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I haven't read this yet, but just by skimming through this I have came to a (potentially early) conclusion that this is scores better than your first submission.
I look forward to reading it in it's entirety soon, and I will most certainly leave feedback again. ~TBOL |
Hey! After reading your flash fics I decided to check one of your other fics. Okay, let's get started!
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I think you went a bit much on the description of the kitchen. I know you're introducing the world and such, but it seemed to drag the chapter a bit. After Sam's mom appeared you could go to the backyard scene straight away. So far the chapter has a calming tone to it. The interactions between Sam, his mom, and his Pokemon is pretty cute. You did however mentioned this will be darker than your other fic, so that peace probably won't last long. D: I don't have an idea what kind of plot you're going for yet, although the beginning and end has references of Sam doing school assignments. Chapter Two An underground Pokemon brawl, huh? Reminds me of a fan-made Pokemon movie trailer where the concept is very similar featuring the Pokemon anime characters, haha. Anyways, this chapter gives a much better sense of the story now. I like the mention of Sam jotting down notes of some Pokemon while observing the brawls, thought that was smart of him to do that. I like the battle between Eevee and Combusken and the fast-paced action you have going on. I think the description of the moves are handled nicely. Jason didn't show good sportsmanship there. :P I did notice you referred Combusken as "it" instead a male or female. Then again, Sam probably doesn't know the Pokemon's gender. Chapter Three Quote:
Feel bad for Sam not getting the scholarship. The tuition for that school does sound very expensive. @[email protected] And I can see this will be Sam's motivation to keep doing Pokemon brawls. One thing I noticed throughout the fic is you seemed inconsistent with your paragraph formatting. There are times I see you did double space between paragraphs and other times you didn't. Story started out a little slow, but after the Pokemon brawl review things got more interesting. Your idea has a lot of potential, so I'm looking forward to more chapters! |
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That was an unexpected encounter for Jason there. I mostly noticed a couple mistakes here. Shall be interesting if Sam and Lucky Red bump into each other once more. Great chapter, overall! |
Hello there. I think I've lurked for long enough. I was first drawn to this story because the premise - betting on Pokemon battles - reminded me of a series of Pokemon video game tournaments I played in at bars up in Vancouver. Though there was nothing illegal about them, the small number of players coupled with the bar atmosphere gave them the sort of "underground" feel that I get from the fights in your story. And in general I like dark stories, so this one is up my alley.
In terms of the latest chapter, there's not a ton of action, which isn't a bad thing. It seems like it's just wrapping up a few loose ends involving finances and the lack of a mask. I'd assume that it's there to pivot into a big fight in the next chapter. In all, good job and keep at it. |
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I thought it's very nice of Brandon to offer Sam the money for that school, but understandable Sam doesn't feel right about taking it from him. Also good idea for him to get himself a mask if he's going to continue those underground brawls. Even though he's not at the cafe now, his comment on cafes being good study places I can so relate back when I was in university haha. As Pokemon_Master _0 said this feels more like getting a couple things getting taken care of before Sam goes further into brawls, but I can see this as a setup for bigger things to come. Looking forward to next chapter! |
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Ouch over Sam’s lost there. Luna having a broken leg doesn’t sound good either.Yeah, it would be a miracle an Eevee can be able to beat a Poliwrath (it’s possible since Luna was able to beat Pokemon bigger than her, but third evolved forms are probably a whole other league). Makes me wonder if Sam’s Eevee will evolve eventually. Can’t wait to see what happens next! |
Luna is a stubborn little fighter there (even with a broken leg), haha. Since she doesn’t want to evolve into either Vaporeon, Joleton, or Flareon, would be interesting which one she’ll be instead. Heh, I thought Pete is a pretty fun Chaot there. Gotta love parrots being repetitive. :P
Luna able to defeat three Pokemon sure makes for a great comeback! Also the letter concerning getting a better costume does sound intriguing. Spoiler:
Looking forward to next chapter! |
I thought the three-on-one battle was really great. I found it hilarious when the beedrill swatted the makuhita, as it mirrored my own confusion when Sam announced the battle. And with the second chance coming up, I'm thinking that Luna will evolve soon. I have a hunch as to which eeveelution she'll become, but I'll keep that to myself, haha.
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Hm, three thousand does sound quite a bit for a costume, although I guess that's the price to pay to not let your identity known. The costume itself sounds cool, really digging the feathers springing up haha.
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A part of me felt like it would be interesting how Sam deals with Pigeot not listening to his commands, but then again he’s only temporary and probably will slow down the story’s pacing.
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I feel the Luna vs. Machamp battle is lacking a bit compared to the ones before. I guess I can see Luna having the advantage being smaller, but it doesn’t seem Machamp put up too much of a defense there. The overall match between him and Red Crusader is still neat, and I like you gave the Sandslash a couple characteristic quirks. The more detailed stuff concerning renting Pokemon is interesting too, reminds me of the Battle Frontier post game stuff. I’ll admit I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of Sam’s dream there, haha. It seems he inspires to be a Pokemon professor, only for things to fall apart. I will say, though, that yeah I think everyone have those moments that they thought something that’s going on in a dream is real. Looking forward to more! |
Chapter 13
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I got the review for this chapter done, but you then added Chapter 14. XD I might be able to read Chapter 14 tomorrow, so Chapter 14's review will either be added to this post later or in another one, will let you know! Edit: And got Chapter 14 done too! Chapter 14 Quote:
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Sam running the law like that must be very exciting, huh? Something tells me though he'll be over his head and probably will get caught soon. |
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Hey ah na na. By now you know the drill: here come quotes, comments, and jokes.
Spoiler: Click to proceed
Will be back for more of this, yes. :> |
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