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Clan Wars Trilogy
The Clan Wars Trilogy Part 1: Into the RPG Chapter 1 Spoiler:
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Okay, I'm going to be restricting you on working on further chapters until this one gets polished up a bit.
Right now, my main qualm with it is the spacing, or lack thereof. It's a giant wall of text, which isn't really the most inviting thing to read. Also, it can be hard on the eyes. The first thing I want you to do is space it out. That means hitting that 'enter' button twice whenever you start a new paragraph, or dialogue. I'll give you an example so you know what I mean. Quote:
Quote:
Although this will help a little with the chapter's length, it doesn't solve the problem. The first solution, and the easiest, is to simply keep adding more. Chapters aren't just one story event, they're several conflicts fighting it out for the entertainment of the reader. Right here, I only see one event. If you keep adding more, you'll be fine. However, that doesn't mean there isn't something else to improve on. The main thing here is showing vs telling. I would love to go into more detail, but I have work and that might cause me to be late. So, in the mean time, have this short little article that covers the basics. It's not the best article, but if you have any questions after reading, I'll be more than happy to answer them. http://fychuckpalahniuk.tumblr.com/post/9285901274/thought-verbs-by-chuck-palahniuk Like I said before, I want you to work on this a little bit more before you post the next chapter. If you have any questions or concerns regarding anything, feel free to ask away. My VM/PM box is always open. Once you have edited this, shoot me a message and I'll come take a look. This isn't to be mean, I just want you to be the best writer you can be. Good luck! |
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