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I need some advice
Ok guys I need some advice about something. The IRL friends thread got me thinking about how I really need to make more of an effort when it comes to making new friends and putting myself "out there". I've always struggled with social anxiety and never been a super outgoing person. How do you guys go about meeting new people? Or even more importantly, have any of you ever powered through social anxiety? If so, how do you get through it and use that as an advantage to make new friends?
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I always stand around at parties and family gatherings barely being social. I don't have social anxiety, but I'm just a very introverted person by nature. I'm not THAT guy that goes and does outgoing things unless I'm really feeling it. But I always end up starting to loosen up and get more social around the end of events and then I regret being so introverted the whole time. Sometimes you just gotta nut up and do it and not worry.
I don't try very hard to make new friends, but sometimes I click with people and want to talk all the time. Maybe just take a deep breath and put yourself out there. Worst that can happen is getting rejected, but if remaining stagnant bothers you, then the risk is worth the reward. |
I'm right there with ya, I literally get shaky just telling someone I like their jacket or something mundane. I won't lie, ever since leaving school it's been a bit more of a challenge making friends just because you don't see the same people everyday outside of work.
I find going to meet ups or volunteer events are a good way to test the waters on saying hi to people, etc. I also try and speak to at least one person everyday during work. Whether it's asking how their weekend was or how they're doing. I wish I had better answers, but I'm in the same boat. I do think the benefits outweigh whatever awkward/anxious feelings you're going through to make new friends though. |
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I haven't made a new IRL friend in a while. I'm not too sure on how to do it, either. I think I'd have to go back to school. |
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best way to make friends if you have social anxiety is through your other friends. if you can have a friend accompany you when meeting others it will help you feel more comfortable and relaxed. you'll be more likely to be yourself.
also to your last response: if you've already made some in between classes friends you can make out of classes friends! take the initiative with these friends and do something outside of class |
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well last semester this girl randomly came up to me and just asked if i'd walk with her to get coffee... it can literally be that simple! ask to do something on/around campus most people wont say no
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WHY WONT YOU GET COFFEE WITH ME I DESERVE YOUR PRESENCE no i don't im pathetic booo *sigh* |
it's cliche, but if you don't take the chance it either won't happen or it will be very slow to happen. honestly unless you're a TERRIBLE person most people won't reject a platonic offer to do something simple and if they do with an excuse it's probably because they really do have to do whatever said excuse is or they're even more nervous than you ;D
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basically don't sound like a beat down dog "uhhh do you want to hang out sometime..." DON'T ASK THAT WAY instead ask like this: "Hey would you like to hang out sometime!" "I know a cool/cute/fun/ [insert place] that has really good food/drinks/views/music" say it with excitment and smile make it like THEY DEF ARE MISSING OUT AND SHOULD GO TO THIS AWESOME PLACE WITH YOU!!! also don't pause after you say, "hey would you like to hang out sometime!" go directly into the next part. |
Summers coming giving you the advantage and allowing you to do many more things. If you're 21 it's a lot easier, tho going to a social event like a bar without knowing anybody can be intimidating (especially with anxiety). The easiest way I've found to make friends is getting involved in some sort of social event (if you know nobody) or going to a social event with a friend or 2.. Is there a music scene like an open mic where you're at? If so you can meet people there. Just get involved in groups or near by clubs, something that interests you. In my case, I'm a musician so I try to meet people with the same interests by going to music shows in my area. I even know people in different states.
A majority of people will talk to you if you approach them right unless they're just a complete asshole. Start there. The hardest thing is initiating conversations. It just takes a little bit of practice and doing this will boost your confidence and just move on from there. Once you meet someone you may get along with their mutual friends and friends of their friends.. Approaching someone due to social anxiety can be frightening(I sorta suffer from this depending on my mood and my surroundings) but that's because you're paranoid of what they're going to think of you or you are afraid of rejection. You overcome this by just initiating a conversation. Approach someone and compliment them or just introduce yourself (shake their hand and exchange names). There's really no secret to meeting new people. It just comes with experience and motivation. |
I know a thing or two about anxiety, considering I was just officially diagnosed with it, but I also just made a new friend, so I think I can help a little bit.
I met this friend through an old friend, and I think that's honestly the best way to do it without putting yourself in a high stress scenario. We started out by playing D&D together, and we became friends through that. If you like to do something that requires other people to do as well, then see if you have a friend of a friend willing to come along. It makes the beginning awkwardness so much easier to deal with, since there's someone there who knows both of your interests. If you're in college, try joining a club. I made a few friends in Writer's Club, and it was definitely worth making that first trip. There should be a wide variety available, so see what people are doing. |
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I'm a really introverted person out there but I've learnt that it all comes down to proactivity. You can't just expect people to flock to you all the time and want to be your friend, you have to equally proactively go out to other people and try and strike up conversations, get to know people, etc, to get that friendship started. Tagging along with friends of friends is good because then you're in a group setting so it's potentially less awkward than trying to make friends one-on-one, and then you have a greater number of 'options' (ok that sounds weird) of people that you can become friends with. I was just talking with someone yesterday about this. I was mentioning how I have social anxiety and she mentioned that she never would have thought, because she always sees me being so warm and social. It feels super weird at first to be social and really put yourself out there because you're making yourself vulnerable, but like with anything, once you take that first step it becomes so much easier - you naturally relax and things just flow naturally from there. And it's not like you have to be social all the time - it's perfectly fine and acceptable to chill on your own and have some alone time, to decline some event invitations etc, your friends should understand (: Sorry lots of random ramblings but hope that gives you some insight! If you have any questions or want me to elaborate please let me know! (: |
everyone else has talked about how to find people and then vague stuff about what to do with them so i'll be a bit more specific
i tend to find that watching a movie either at cinemas or at a person's house is the number one way to begin a friendship or break the ice with someone you don't really know, or just a fun activity that doesn't place much stress on anxiety or your wallet while allowing for all kinds of personal interactions it has yet to fail for me honestly |
A good start is often to just suggest grabbing a pizza with a few people or so after you've been in school or wherever you met. Eating something sloppy like that makes you relax and that makes it easier to talk freely about things you like (:
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I've always found that it's easier becoming friends with someone you have something in common with/ or see often. I see everyone before me saying the same thing, because it's true. the easiest comes down to school or work, depending on your age. Sounds cheesy as heck but you can get away with something like "Did you hear what the homework was, etc"
Overthinking is also VERY dangerous, imo. If i see a pretty girl or some popular guy who's obviously cooler than me, I usually get really nervous and basically map out a conversation in my mind, trying to see all the possibilites and trying to avoid embarassment. If you do this, then being able to do something as simple as saying "Hi" will become a huge deal that you stress about. It's not only until someone does it to you, that you realize how easily things flow and that no, they're not going to hate you/think you're weird (unless you give them reason to). Talking to a someone you haven't interacted with before isn't as hard as it seems. In example, a previous poster said that a girl walked up and asked him for coffee. Doesn't have to be that direct, but you get the gist. SENSE THE MOOD if it's a social event or area then they're going to be more open to talking to and meeting new people. If they seem to be in a bad mood or just a downright bad person before you even approach them, just steer clear. Also learn to sense when you're not wanted or if you're distracting someone. If someone isn't giving you most of their attention, then they're probably wishing they could be somewhere else. They could have a lot on their mind, or they just genuinely don't like you (who cares though... brush it off and On the other hand, show interest in what other's have to say. PEOPLE SENSE YOUR MOOD TOO sorry, but no one wants to talk to a quiet and mumbling person who just makes everything awkward. It sounds dumb but 'fake it till you make it': if you act confident and outgoing then you probably will start to feel this way. Similarly, practicing power poses makes you feel more confident, forcing yourself to smile makes you feel a little happier. Have good posture, talk clearly, and give eye contact. Science shows that having eye contact with someone you're talking to automatically boosts their connection a bit, maybe even into romantic levels if that's what you're looking for. Don't stare into their eyes, but act like you're interested. you can practice these things in the mirror, the shower, whatever. Enunciate your words, train your eyes to not glance away at every uncomfortable moment. Last but not least, practice makes perfect. Be aware that you're going to have to step outside of your comfort zones to get anywhere new, and you might get shot down sometimes. Brush it off and view it as a learning opportunity: now you know what not to do. Even if you practice everyday and read 50 books on being social, it won't help unless you've had IRL experience that's all i can think of right now, hope i helped |
I was not expecting so many fast responses to this 0.O
Thank you all for the advice though. There are a lot of things that I can take from your responses :) |
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Trust and loyalty are always 2 traits you need to look out for. These are sacred traits you need for a friendship. If your friends not loyal you can't trust them and vise vera, I learned that from experience and real quick. But as we all said, go to places that would interest you and set a goal for yourself. If your agenda is to meet someone then talk to someone, it's that easy. If you click you click, if you don't you don't, move on to the next soul. What the worse that could happen if you at least try talking to someone? What's the worst if you don't? Just go for it man. |
My powering through social anxiety developed into me being overly sexual towards others. It wouldn't ever be an immediate advance, but if I knew the person or the person had heard about me or talked about some things I had done then that would open the door for me to progress down that route. After the initial couple of interactions like that though then we would get into a more comfortable territory of I know a little about you, you know a little about me now let's share a little bit more. And then that would progress bit by bit until we knew enough to be able to strike up conversations out of nowhere.
Not saying you should be sexual towards people as that's obviously not an acceptable approach as an adult and would get you into more trouble than it would help you (because it did me), but the concept of having something that is very you that you would use to break the ice is good. When I started with those interactions I didn't think, I just let my body and subconscious go about doing what felt natural or the easiest. I appeared to be outgoing because I was always all over people and tried to be awkward. As far as where or how to make friends, just go to places that have things you enjoy. Go to some concerts, go to a hookah bar, yknow whatever. Follow your interests. Go to the game store on a daily basis and get to know the clerks there, more than likely at least one of them has some more friends who are also gamers. |
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Social Events, clubs, groups etc. are always a good help. They help break down that anxiety barrier over time, and they're also a great way to meet people with similar interests to that of your own. If you're new to the whole scene, just ask a friend to go to some event/club/group with you. It'll be shaky at first but that shaky feeling will subside shortly after as you start to introduce and talk to more people.
Another great way to become more outgoing is to get a job in customer service (Store clerk, food service, etc.). Through highschool I worked at a Starbucks inside a grocery store (Harris Teeter for those wondering) and it helped me a great deal. You eventually get used to just seeing new people everyday and trying to start conversation with them that you end up excelling at meeting new people without even knowing it. By the end of my senior year I was going to parties and chatting up everyone I met! |
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anyway, in regards to the Overarching Topic, it's relatively easy to meet people once you get over yourself and put yourself out there in whatever way you do so. it's a whole different thing to have a continued bond with those people and takes a lot more effort than meeting them, if less initial anxiety. reminds me when people focus on getting to the marriage altar and not the marriage itself. you have to consistently work at it to a point where it doesn't feel like work, get to know them in various different settings. friendship isn't exactly hard to do, it's just time-consuming initially. apparently getting high always works wonders for bonding friendships long as you don't have a meltdown |
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