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Psychic Poker
-Prologue-
The Meowstic walked up to the store counter using telekinesis to carry a carton of eggs. "I'd like to buy this... again." The Pidgeot clerk squinted at the cat. "I... didn't you just buy eggs yesterday?" "Pff yeah. I just had some cooking errors, that's all." He bought the eggs. He walked home, merrily humming some random tune. He lived in a treehouse. It was rather clean and all that with about 4 pictures on the walls depicting him and his sister. You hardly would ever see the sister. She was always out doing something either shady or ridiculous. The Meowstic turned on his stove and plopped a frying pan(YES ITS A FRYING PAN) onto it. After all that he just cracked two eggs on the pan and slowly watched them. This is taking forever... Maybe I should just use my psychic powers on the egg. He remembered what his sister said the other night. "Stop cooking eggs! You keep burning them or worse! And also stop eating eggs! They taste terrible!" Pff yeah right sis, i'm all grown up and mature. The look on your face when you get home... ...is gonna be terrible. A Swampert was spraying water all over the treehouse while a Slowking was questioning Meowstic, filling out a clipboard. "Annnddd how did this fire happen?" The Meowstic lied. He did not want his sister to hear any of this. "I don't know, some fire-type was probably messing around or something. I just came back from the Pokemart." The Slowking squinted a lot with his semi-psychic powers. "Surrrrrrrrre." "Please don't tell anyone about the fire, okay?" Meowstic said. A Kadabra randomly appeared between the two. "Hey guys. The tree got lit up from a cooking accident." Oh crap. I'm gonna lose my favorite stove. |
Blank. Edited because I regret things.
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Another part I really liked was the jump from "The look on your face when you get home..." to "...is gonna be terrible". It's a very visual style of comedy which I can definitely appreciate. The mental image of a Meowstic cooking eggs with a smug look on his face cutting to a blazing inferno with the same Meowstic watching on is simply great. There's a couple little parts which could be touched up like adding a line breaks between certain dialogue paragraphs and description paragraphs, but you'd probably catched it with a bit of proofreading. On the whole though, I really liked it. Hope you stick around! |
AN: Due to the fact that I removed the details of Jasper's sister, I have touched up on the intro a bit.
Part 1: Mischief Forest of Makan, Night Jasper was sitting on the couch, covering his face. [I]Whisper is gonna kill me...[I] The fire was gone, though a gaping hole in a section of the treehouse had appeared. Always a troublemaker, as if that was a bad thing. Someone knocked on the door, but Jasper just randomly knew it was a stranger. Danger. He walked over to the door and opened it anyway. "Who're you?" A shiny Anorith was on the porch. "I'm here to collect your rent." The Anorith said. Jasper frowned. "Are you Makan the Anorith?" "Er- yes!" Jasper then smiled. "If you are Makan, of the Forest of Makan, then you would know why the Forest of Makan is called the Forest of Makan, right?" "Because I brought the idea of treehouses into Kalos." The Anorith replies. You might've read some books but you're just an apprentice on this sort of thing. "Correct." Jasper cleared his throat. "And you would know that you are not Makan and Makan doesn't charge rent. Also, I am not Makan but I charge rent." The Anorith, who wasn't Makan got a little irritated. "Can it." "Nope." Jasper gave the shiny Anorith a hard kick, sending it several yards into the air. "That was difficult. I need some shuteye." He closed the door and laid on the couch. Baloney. A few minutes pass, or was it an hour? But Jasper heard someone climbing up the treehouse. He opened his eyes and just stared at the door, uninterested. A female Meowstic unlocked the door(which used an ID based magic lock thing) and entered, holding a phone to her ear. "Yeah, I'll see you in a bit, then." She tossed the phone into the air a few feet, which just disappeared in a pink burst of energy. Whisper, Jasper's older sister looked at the hole in the ground. She face palmed, like she was used to spontaneous combustion in her house. "Jasper, what are you doing..." "What did I do?" Jasper asked. “Did you try frying another egg?” Whisper said, searching through the kitchen drawers. Jasper relaxed, as if he didn’t nearly cause a forest fire. “Definitely did not.” Whisper found what she was looking for: A twisted spoon. “Now I have to use a timewarp on the tree house again; because there’s now a big hole in the wall again!” Jasper raised an eyebrow, looking at the spoon. “What’s with the bent spoon?” “It’s a twisted spoon. It gives me more powerful psychic energies if I use it.” Jasper blinked, because that didn’t make any sense. Whisper shook her head and sighed. “I don’t need to explain this to you because you’ll forget it.” “Nah, you should explain because i’ll be questioning the powers of a utensil my whole life. And why can’t it be a fork?” “Forks are dangerous.” Whisper replied. She then proceeded to unfold her ears, letting out her intense psychic energies. Jasper barely paid any attention. Within a few seconds, the charred section of the treehouse was fixed. “Now, Jasper. I’m going to ask again. Did you try frying an egg this morning?” “No.” Whisper walked right in front of Jasper and leaned up in his face. “Okay that’s it. We’re doing this the hard way.” Whisper’s ears unfolded once again, and she started trying to read Jasper’s mind. Jasper countered by unfolding his ears. Despite the fact that he was having to concentrate dangerous psychic energies, he was smiling anyway. After about 10 seconds, Whisper gives up and just says: “You were cooking eggs.” Jasper scoffed. “Tch. You didn’t even read my mind correctly that time and you let up earlier than usual.” “Because you’re stopping me.” “I’m stopping you because of priv-” “SHUT UP! I’m so tired of dealing with whatever nonsense you make up whenever I come home! So tonight, you’re coming to the Honchkasino whether you like it or not and you’re wearing a tie!” Jasper rolled off his chair and knelt down on his knees, looking at the roof of the treehouse. “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Whisper ignored Jasper and checked the nearby clock. “Alright we’re going in 67 minutes and 13 seconds. Better get ready. I gotta run an errand now." She ran out the front door to the nearby town. Grocery Store The Pidgeot waved Whisper as she entered. “Heya.” Whisper looked at him for a few seconds, then calmly asked: “Hey, has my brother been buying cartons of eggs from you?” The cashier thought for a second. “Does he look like you, but blue?” “Yes.” “Yeah he bought plenty of eggs from-” Whisper jumped up onto the counter and grabbed the cashier, pulling his face up to hers. “OKAY, listen very closely. Don’t sell my brother any eggs ever or you’ll regret it, GOT IT!?” The Pidgeot whimpered. “Okay, okay I got it scary lady!” Whisper calmed down and acted like nothing happened. “Thank you.” Then proceeded to leave and walk home. When she opened the door to the treehouse Jasper had his face to the floor. “Wsssprr. Mfff mfh mrrk mmmrrw.” After a delay he lifted his head and said: “I got work tomorrow.” “Deal with it. Now stand up please, because that’s not sanitary.” After Jasper stood up, whisper pinned a tie to Jasper. ……… It took him a few seconds to register what just happened. Then he fell to the floor and started flailing around wildly. “OH GAWD HELP ITS CHOKING ME GAAAAAH ARCEUS HELP ME PLEASE ASUHDYUASDUBFHSDIUHFISYDG-” Honchkasino Whisper walked to the casino a bit slower, since she was dragging Jasper by the tie he was wearing. “Cmon… almost there.” A few minutes passed as Whisper slowly walked over to the receptionist, a Kricketot. “Okay… Phew. Okay, Carl. I got a guest today since I can’t be bothered to leave him at home.” Carl the Kricketot stood up to find Jasper laying on the floor. Then cleared his throat. “How old is he?” “Sixteen.” He replied. Carl sighed. “Sorry Whisper, but we can’t let this juvenile in if all he’s gonna do is just laze around. We can’t have kids loitering around.” “I’m not a kid.” Jasper said quietly. Whisper giggled humorlessly. “That’s not a problem. He’s fine with waiting outside.” She walked her brother outside and then started threatening him like the perfect sibling she was. “If you try to leave or go home then I WILL KILL YOU!” Jasper rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” And so, he was just standing outside the casino aimlessly, scrolling through his phone. He sent a message to his friend in Hoenn. ‘How do I fry an egg?’ The response was lame. ‘I don’t know, ask someone else! I don’t know anything about cooking!’ From a cranky Gardevoir who got cranky from being ridiculed for being male. He sighed and put the phone back into his pocket dimension. … ...then he started looking around mischievously. There were a few people nearby. Maybe he should prank them. Nah. Suddenly, his tie actually started to try and choke him. “OH ARRRUAUGH HRUUU HELP ITS CHOKING ME FOR REAL THIS TIME ARCEUS HELP AKAKAKAKAKAKAKAK HELP ME GAAAAAHHH-” |
Part 2: Another Charlatan
Jasper’s tie kept choking him. Nobody cared, they thought he was just making it up until the tie started dragging him into a nearby alley. He was opened his eyes to see who dragged him. A butterfree. Probably some cranky lady. “Hey! I know you cheated during that one poker match! Give me my money back!” Jasper took a few breaths, then stood up nonchalantly and fixed his beret. “Or what, you’re gonna use X-Scissor on me? In fact the only bug-type move you know is String Shot.” The butterfree psychically picked up Jasper and slammed him against the wall. “Shut up! Give me my money back or i’ll beat you up!” He reacted by holding out a twisted spoon. “Nah-ah-ah. I got a twisted spoon.” “A what?” Jasper sighed. “Do I have to explain this everytime someone asks?” Despite the fact that he didn’t know what a twisted spoon was earlier, he easily explained. “A spoon takes an immense psychic energy to bend and twist into pasta, when the spoon gets bent, the psychic’s power is imprinted onto the spoon, which starts to radiate psychic energies until it’s unbent. But what do I know?” The butterfree tried tackling Jasper, but his form disappears. She turned around to see 9 Meowstic facing her. “Double team!?” “It’s my special move.” “Where are you!?” “That’s a secret. Anyways, now that the cameras have seen my own tie choking me-” Jasper takes a second to unclip the tie from his body and throw it on the ground. “You’re going to get arrested for some reason.” “For some reason?” “Pfft, I don’t care about reading boring books. My sister just reprimands me and i’m fine.” Jasper said as if it wasn’t a problem, which it likely wasn’t. The butterfree got angry and started using useless tackles on the clones, but Jasper started making more than she could count. “Watch it lady, you wouldn’t want to slip.” “What’s going on over here!” A giant Metagross loudly walked up to the two. “And you! Meowstic! Disable your Double Team now!” Jasper complied, actually getting slightly intimidated for once. Every one of the illusions faded, leaving Jasper standing on a nearby lamp. He teleported down in front of the Metagross. “Explain yourselves. The security cameras recording you-” The metagross somehow pointed at Jasper with one of his appendages. “-saw that you were getting choked and dragged into an alley.” Jasper cleared his throat before talking and then pointed at the butterfree near him. “She accused me of cheating in a game that I don’t play. My sister is the one playing Poker, not me.” The butterfree frowned. “Wait- hey!” The metagross concentrated for a second, then stared hard at the butterfree. “I’m going to have to detain you for assaulting another Pokemon.” “As if- you can’t-” The metagross psychically grabbed the butterfree and started moving her inside. “This isn’t over yet! Your sister is gonna pay for cheating!” ...Jasper walked back to the front of the casino and checked his phone. He got text messages from his friends in Hoenn, because he asked them all if they knew how to cook an egg. ‘What’s an egg?’ An Aggron. Just tanks and doesn’t do much else. ‘You burn it with fire.’ A powerful Salamence, who was somehow able to type a text message despite not having any opposable thumbs or hands. ‘I can do anything but cook an egg.’ Slade the Linoone. He was a handyman. He could… cut, flash, rock smash, and surf. Especially Surf. ‘STOP MESSAGING ME!’ Oh. He already messaged cranky Gardevoir. ‘I don’t know.’ That was the most useful response ever. He didn’t even remember who he texted to. “Ugggggh.” Jasper sighed and stuffed the phone in his pocket dimension. Meanwhile… “You’re gonna lose so hard that you’ll be paralyzed just thinking about me.” Whisper said to the opposing Alakazam. He looked at his cards for a second. He was getting a little nervous… He wished he had Synchronize. He folded. “Hah.” Whisper showed her cards. Useless King high. The Gallade at the table started laughing aimlessly while the Alakazam slammed the table in anger. “Come on then, boys. Still think you can beat me?” Whisper taunted. The Alakazam wasn’t nervous anymore. “This isn’t over yet.” They played hard. Bets were made. Texas Hold ‘em was getting intense. Wait what’s Texas? ...nevermind. With four players still playing with the other four having folded, the Gallade bet a hefty 500(Everyone starts with 1000). Whisper’s competitive ability wasn’t just for battles. She gave an angry expression to the rest of the players, then unfolded her ears. “Woah, what’re you doing?” Said the random Cradily at the table. Intense psychic powers were beginning to emit from whisper visibly. After a brief delay, she teleported all of her chips into the pot and then folded her ears. ...too dramatic? Everyone but the Alakazam folded. “No, she’s bluffing! Just watch!” He went all in too. “You’re screwed.” They both flipped their cards over. Alakazam had two pairs, 8 and a 9, but Whisper had a full house somehow. 7, 8, 9, 10, Jack. Whisper smiled. “ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!” Due to annoyance of our guests by your extreme noise, you have been temporarily kicked from the casino. ~Security Chief Mobius, Honchkasino Saturday night special. Within minutes Whisper had dominated everyone at the table: Cocky Gallade, Meh Cradily, Adamant Yanma, and a random Natu. Nobody questioned the fact that Whisper was able to cram all the chips into her pocket. “Thank you.” was all she had to say. ...her ear twitched a bit. “Wait wait stop stop don’t move!” The security Metagross looked around, sensing something. “Hmm…” Chips started floating in the air, with several occupants looking in disbelief. One chip, ten chips, one hundred chips. “There are Ghost-types stealing the chips!” Whisper yelled. “Attention security, I need backup NOW! Ghost-types are stealing!” Metagross said on his ‘earpiece’. Some of the gamblers started to use their non-normal/fighting attacks or ran away with whatever money they had in their possession while security started to roll in. Starting with a fedora-wearing Swellow. “Take ‘em.” A dozen Murkrow, all wearing Black Glasses, started to come flying in through the door and windows. They immediately started attacking the ghosts, which turned visible. Sableye. Whisper sensed a presence behind her, and sucker punched it. It revealed itself: a Mega Sableye. Not this crap… Whisper’s only attack that was useful against it was Sucker Punch, and she wasn’t the best at punching, but whatever. She kept punching the Sableye. ……… ...Jasper was still standing outside. ~Hey Jasper! Help me! We’re being attacked by ghosts trying to steal our chips!~ He chuckled and crossed his arms. They’re ghosts. They can’t eat chips. ~Shut up and help us!~ Jasper teleported into the casino, without his tie(because it was so ugly). “Heyyyyy guys what’s up?” Sableye everywhere stealing chips and using sand attacks and smokescreens on the customers. Jasper whistled. Loudly. Very Loudly. It got everyone’s attention, even the ghosts’. “Watch outtt!” Jasper started to envenom all the Sableye with Toxic carefully, easily. And soon, through all the chaos, the only Pokemon in the casino were the Metagross, Swellow, Murkrows, Sableyes, and the Meowstic. Jasper was casually running around spamming Double Team and Thunderbolt, because he could. Whisper and the Metagross were using whatever worked against the Mega Sableye. The Security team was just pecking everything that they didn’t like. Too bad. “ENOUGH.” The Mega Sableye said. It evaded Whisper’s next punch and grabbed her, then disappeared out of sight, along with all the other Sableye. “Whisper!!!” Jasper yelled. All of his Double Team illusions faded as he ran around, panicked. “Those idiots stole most of our Poker Chips.” the Swellow said. The Metagross carefully walked around all the broken tables and chairs. “They teleported very far away from here somehow. You; kid.” Jasper ignored him and kept checking around nervously. “HEY!” He got his attention. “You have a telepathic link with your sister, right?” “...she’s not responding.” “Now what’re supposed to do?” the Swellow angrily said. Jasper rubbed his ears for a second. “Well there is one thing I could try… but i’ve never done it before…” “What?” “I could try traveling through the pocket dimension.” |
I would appreciate if someone made a character for this story. It's boring when I just have characters that only I have bland interactions and comments.
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Like Miz En Scene, I thought the first part/prologue started off strong humor wise. The transition from Jasper cooking to then being question makes for an amusing scene. Part two I feel the humor was a bit flat, though, whenever Jasper screams about the tie being tight. As for the last part, the humor was a bit better (the text messages and Whisper's poker game) and there's actually some plot going on. Shall be interesting, and loads of shenigians, over Jasper going to try to open the pocket dimension.
With the character signups, me personally I rather either just try your best coming up with other characters your main ones can interact with or maybe in private brainstorm with your friends. When you ask for signups in public like this, unless you're doing forum roleplaying, sometimes you run the risk of portraying someone else's character the way they don't like, but that's just me. I also would rather have the threads here be feedback on the stories themselves and not overflow with signups. |
AN: Unfortunately, all my stories seem to transition from Comical to either Dark or Unintelligible, because I just like semi-edgy stories. Hopefully it’s not the latter.
Part 3: Killing Ghosts (So, you want names, huh? Okay, so the Swellow’s name is Mobius, or that’s his nickname or whatever. And the Metagross’ name is Stanley. The owner of the Casino, the head Honchkrow calls herself ‘Jade’, though I believe that that’s not a real name.) “So, you’re telling me that you might be able to find those Sableyes by travelling through another dimension?” Jade asked, she was smoking a pipe. Jasper facepalmed. “I said that.” “Okay, Mobius. Go with this kid, because those ghosts aren’t weak to anything except for Fairy and we don’t have that.” Mobius nodded silently. “I’m gonna need to stand outside.” Jasper walked out with Mobius and Stanley right behind him. It was raining outside, and there were several Murkrow perched on the lampposts, their hats being waterproof. They watched as the Meowstic and Swellow stood out in the rain. “This will ruin my fantastic beret.” But Jasper started his teleportation anyway. He threw out a twisted spoon into the air and unfolded his ears. It started to float and spin around. Mobius stared at the spoon, bored. “Any minute now…” The spoon stopped resonating and untwisted itself, releasing an intense psychic energy that enveloped Mobius and Jasper. A pink brightness filled everyone’s eyes. When it cleared, they were in a pink dimension. “So this is your Pocket Dimension, huh?” Mobius said, looking around. “Yep.” They were both standing on a platform, with a giant pile of Jasper’s possessions in the middle of the platform. “How do we leave when we want to?” Jasper shrugged. “You use psychic powers to leave. If we leave right now, we’ll be sent to my treehouse in the Forest of Makan.” “Who’s Makan?” Mobius asked. Jasper rummaged through the pile of junk that was in his pocket dimension. “Makan the Anorith. The most powerful Anorith in existence, he’s like… Level 100. He’s not as powerful as a legendary, but still- hey what?” Mobius turned and flew over to look at what Jasper found. There was an Anorith casually eating Jasper’s supply of cotton candy. “What’re you doing? That’s mine!” The Anorith spoke in a deep voice. “Apologies. I just found it.” Mobius looked a little confused. “What, did you cram that bug into your pocket dimension?” Jasper proceeded to pull out his stove out of the pile and started to fry an egg on it. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………… nope. Maybe he’s Makan the Anorith.” “Bugs don’t have Psychic powers.” “I am he.” the Anorith said. “The one you call… Makan the Anorith.” “We’re being messed with here.” Mobius said, not believing it. “And why are you cooking an egg?” Jasper looked at Mobius and Makan the whole time he was cooking the egg, and didn’t realize that the drying pan was on fire. “I’m hungry, I haven’t eaten my favorite food in forever.” Mobius pointed at the pan with one of his wings. “The frying pan is on fire.” Jasper looked at the drying pan for a brief moment then stepped back, surprised while still holding it. Then carelessly tossed it over the edge. “If you don’t believe me then try to peck me. I resist all… but not Freeze.” Makan said. Mobius prepared to use Peck on Makan, but hesitated before he hit him. “Wait wait you’re a Bug/Rock type. Peck won’t work.” The Swellow’s wing solidified into steel, and then he smacked Makan in the side. After rolling around from the hit, Makan shook his head and just said: “Eh.” “Okay I believe you. Wait wait we are getting off-topic here where are those ghosts?” Jasper scrounged through his stash to look for another frying pan. “What? I can’t hear you.” Makan cleared his throat despite being a shrimp. “You are able to teleport to other Pokemon through the Pocket Dimension by finding their Pocket Stash. Mobius adjusted his fedora. “That sounds like it’s easy to steal from.” “That’s no problem.” Jasper said, not finding a frying pan. “There’s forty-eight factors that limit theft and kidnapping. Or was it forty-one?” “Okay whatever; where is Whisper’s Pocket Stash?” Mobius asked. Jasper thought for up to a minute. “You can try flying around… if I-” One Psychic Explanation Later. “So… I just fly around until I find something?” Mobius asked. “Probably.” “Okay then…” Mobius walked near the edge and looked at the abyss. “This is safe, right?” “Yes.” Makan said. A smoking frying pan fell from the sky, almost hitting Makan. Mobius recoiled from random kitchen utility falling from the sky. Mobius motioned Jasper over. “Okay, hop on my back.” Jasper and Makan hopped on Mobius’ back. “Uhh… what’re you think you’re doing?” “The business of Makan the Anorith.” he responded deeply. Fly! Mobius flew with both a random cat and shrimp on his back, with Jasper occasionally saying “Go left!” or “Go right!” Eventually………………………… They found Whisper’s pocket stash, with about only 4-9 possessions and a barrier surrounding it. “I’m so tired of flying… Gimme a sec, kid.” Mobius took a few deep breaths. Jasper looked through the barrier. There was a cabinet with a glass door, which had 4-9 letters in it. “Why do you have to be so bland.” he mumbled. Oh, and there was a stack of chips, which apparently had a total value of 1028 PokeCoins. Makan looked at the cabinets. “Your sister is more organized than you.” Jasper rolled his eyes. Mobius finished resting. “Okay, let’s go.” Spoon spell. Pink Nova. Blinding Light. They were in some sort of glass room. Some sort of spore or ash was floating in the air. “What is…? Sis!” Whisper was in the room too, with her ears binded and she was sleeping for some reason. Mobius took a few seconds to register it. “It’s sleep… pow… der.” Jasper faceplanted into the ground before Mobius finished, and then Mobius slumped to the ground, snoring. “Eh.” Makan said. He used Metal Claw on the glass walls, shattering them. Then used X-Scissor on the nearby Sableye, beating it. And then used Hyper Beam on the nearby mechanism that was transmitting Sleep Powder into the room. “Eh.” ……… …… …? “Wake up…” “Jasper wake up…” “Jasper, you are so lazy, wake up!” Whisper? Are you there? He opened his eyes very slowly. Then just rolled over and kept sleeping. “Makan wake him up. Use Hydro Pump or something.” “Eh.” Makan was about to use Hydro Pump on Jasper, but Jasper teleported out of the way while he was sleeping. “Five more minutes.” Jasper barely said. “Of course he won’t wake up. He sleeps at night.” “Don’t you sleep in the day?” “Yes, we have different sleep schedules. I’m nocturnal and he isn’t.” “Eh.” “Makan, why do you keep saying that?” “Eh, I just like to.” “You mean Makan the Anorith from the Forest of Makan? “Yes Makan the Anorith from the Forest of Makan.” Jasper interrupted. He stood up and dusted himself off. “Makan, why did you come with us anyway?” Makan pulled out a piece of oran berry bubble gum and started to chew it. “I have psychic powers, as you know. I can read into the future. Your future, Jasper Stick, is an interesting one.” “How’d you get my last name?” Jasper asked. Mobius stifled some laughter. “Wait- your name is Jasper Stick?” “A better question is how an Anorith knows Hyper Beam, and Sableye knowing Teleport.” Whisper said. Makan started to chew the bubble gum louder. “It’s called magic powers. Don’t question my logic. Now can we please leave.” “Poker chips first.” Mobius said sternly. “Right, let’s! ...where's the door?” Jasper said. Whisper pointed at the obviously different colored piece of wall in the room. “There.” “...right.” Jasper was eating cotton candy, they opened the door into a hallway that was one of the blandest hallways they’ve ever seen. Grey everything and the lighting fixtures were literally lightbulbs. “Lame.” After a couple seconds of walking they found a sign, it literally said: [<- VAULT] Makan said the most obvious thing ever. “Turn left.” “Thank you very much, Captain Obvious.” Whisper said with some slight annoyance. They opened the door on the left. There were like… a number of chips on some table. “Okay, Whisper. You take the chips because you have a pocket dimension.” Jasper interrupted. “I have a pocket dimension t-” “Shut up.” Makan turned toward the door. “There are Sableyes.” Makan started to store… Sunlight. The door opened. The lead Sableye spoke in some extremely weird voice. “Stop them!” BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- Mobius gave some sort of confused expression. “How do you know five moves?” “I know eighteen moves.” Makan said nonchalantly, as if everyone knew eighteen moves too. “Those are Shadow Pokemon.” “You mean Ghost-Dark? I guess they’re shadows. Except for those weird pieces of glass for their eyes.” Jasper was eating another cone of cotton candy. Makan jumped onto Jasper’s cone of cotton candy and started munching on it. “Eh. No. They are Shadow-dash-Pokemon. That MEGA Sableye that you’ve been thinking about; it’s a shadow pokemon that knows Teleport and Dragon Pulse.” Whisper squinted at Makan. “Shadow Pokemon don’t exist.” “Eh. They exist. Because I am Level 100, and can use Hyper Beam, Solarbeam, Hydro Pump, Fire Blast, Metal Claw, X-Scissor, Psychic, Shadow Sneak, Dark Pulse, Dragon Claw, Thunder, Stone Edge, Magnitude, Ice Cream, Cross Poison, Brave Bird, High Jump Kick, and Anorith Laser.” “Anorith Laser?” “Anorith Laser.” |
Hoenn Recording 1
Gardevoir: Hello, is this thing recording? Good, great. Aggron: Hey, is someone watching us? Hellllllooo??? Gardevoir: Shut up. I’m trying to record here. *sigh* You ruined my train of thought. Salamence: Hey guys, you want Pizza or Chinese tonight? Gardevoir: Just get Pizza. Alright I remember now; oh for [email protected]#$ -static- Gardevoir: Okay, I’ve had a rough day with these idiots in the house. We just want to hear from you, *static*. Aggron: Yeeeaah! Come eat Chinese Pizza with us! Salamence: Hey, who’s texting us? Gardevoir: It’s that idiot again. He wants to know how to fry an egg. Salamence: Ehh- ehh I can’t hold this phone! Aggron: What’s an egg? Gardevoir: Ask him yourself, okay *static*, what do you want to tell him? Salamence: You burn it with fire. That’s how you cook everything, right? Gardevoir: That doesn’t include noodles. |
Makan is sure a very unique Anorith, heh. I do admit him saying "Eh" did get annoying a bit even though it was brought up by the other characters. Feel bad for him being whacked by Steel Wing, pfft.
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The Hoenn recording something about it is a bit stale compared to last chapter. Still though, I could go for Chinese Pizza. Before I go, want to mention a bit the way you punctuated the dialogue. Whenever you have dialogue like this- "It's, funny, I know," he said, there should be comma before the dialogue tag (he said, etc) not period. Only time you can use a period is if the dialogue wouldn't follow up by the dialogue tag. Hope this makes sense. |
AN: Thank you for your words, people. You’ve likely told me things that I already know, and that makes me feel slightly worse. My writing is imperfect, and it’s likely gonna stay that way for awhile.
Part 4: Anorith Rising (They call me… Makan the Anorith. They wanted to call me Makan the Armaldo, but in a strange event an everstone was fused into my carapace. I cannot evolve. But no matter. As a result of my weakness I have strived to become more than an Anorith. I became… Makan the Anorith.) XX Years Ago... “Alright guys! Who’s the legendariest of Pokemon?” Dialga said. Darkrai pointed at himself. “Pffft, im the best, obviously.” “I got a stat total of 600…” Shaymin said. “SILENCE!” Arceus yelled. He stomped into the room. “I have a stat total of 720! All shall bow before me!” Kyogre and Groudon, who were in the general vicinity at the time, were enjoying their naptime. “I am ancient. Can I be the legendary?” Anorith said. “No.” Palkia said. “You’re a shrimp.” Anorith jumped onto Palkia’s head. “But I am Bug/Rock. Isn’t that ancient.” Giratina grabbed Anorith with his telekinetic powers and held him up in the air. “NO, ANORITH! I’m a Ghost/Dragon type! That makes me extremely ancient!” “What about me?” Bulbasaur said. “I’m the first Pokemon.” Arceus facepalmed through all the bickering. “Bulbasaur! You are a useless dinosaur! Get lost!” “I still want to be the legendary. I got X-Scissor.” Anorith said. Aerodactyl shrugged. “You know what, Anorith? I think Arceus is the legendary. He’s got a stat total of 720.” “YES!” Arceus yelled. “Finally someone votes for me!” Anorith poked Arceus out of envy. “That’s not fair. I don’t have a stat total of 720.” Arceus kept yelling. “Anorith! I’m so tired of your whining! That’s it! I am going to curse you forever, so that you can’t evolve ever!” “Isn’t that a little harsh?” Shaymin said. “Do not care. Arceus promised me that if I vote for him then I get my own dimension.” Giratina said. ---------- “Anorith Laser?” “Uhh; what?” Makan said. “You have a move called Anorith Laser?” Jasper asked. Makan had lost his train of thought for a few seconds. “Oh, uhh… yeah.” Jasper shrugged. “That’s fine, I guess. After all I have a move called Walk-on-Walls.” “As if.” Mobius said. “Anyways can you hurry-” “Hey guys look i'm walking on walls!” Jasper had walked up the walls and was now standing off the ceiling, jokingly. “Told you so, Mobius!” Whisper psychically pulled Jasper back down to the ground. “Let’s go already. I’m gonna teleport us all out of here.” Whisper started to concentrate for a moment, and then stopped. “It’s not working. I’m being restricted by a Dark energy.” Makan cleared his throat. Again. “Shadow Pokemon.” “There’s literally a move called Shadow Ball.” Mobius said. “Can we hurry up now?” Makan looked at the nearby Sableye. “See that Sableye? He’s going to use Shadow Rush.” Mobius walked up to the Sableye in response to Makan’s prediction. “Umm… it doesn’t look like a shadow pokemon to me.” The Sableye started glowing purple, and then tackled Mobius. He fell back from the hit. “Woah! You got tackled by a ghost!” Jasper said in awe/sarcasm. Whisper rolled her eyes. “Whatever, i’ll deal with this.” She shot the Sableye with a Shadow Ball, which one-shotted it. “Nineteen more sableye in the building. They’re in that one other room.” Makan pointed to the door nearby. Jasper gasped. “What? What kind of building only has three rooms?” Whisper facepalmed. “About every convenience store and lame restaurant. Regular room, storage slash kitchen room, and bathroom.” “JUST HURRY UP! CAN WE GO ALREADY!?” Mobius yelled. “Eh…… yes.” They kicked the nearby door open, only to realize it was an automatic sliding door. The nineteen sableye in the room automatically looked at the team, including one mega sableye. Jasper was still hopping around in pain, nursing his foot. “Stop them! Don’t let them escape with the inconclusive evidence that we are the shadow pokemon!” The mega sableye said. The minions looked at their boss in confusion, with the best expressions ever, and then just looked back to the team and started to use annoying Ghost-Type moves. Four sableye surrounded Mobius with shadow sneak, and then dived… through him. “Pwahahahahaha, Haahahahahahaha!” Mobius started to fly up four feet into the air, and then recklessly started spamming brave bird on all the ghosts. Makan was using Solarbeams on the sableye. “Eh.” Jasper walked on the ceiling, spamming either double team or toxic. “Commme get meee!” Whisper had aggressively teleported near the mega sableye, and started punching it as much as she could. In about a minute half of the sableye had fainted, with Whisper still punching the mega sableye, avoiding shadow balls and dark pulses. The mega sableye jumped back, and then shot a confuse ray at Whisper, who dodged it. Which then flew through the room and hit Jasper. He fell off the ceiling and faceplanted onto the floor. “Hey kid, are you okay?” Mobius said, ignoring the ghost attempting to rake him. Jasper lifted his head up. “Nope, i’m dead. Bleah.” He then started to eat some cotton candy. “Oh wait, I have Moonblast too.” Makan said. He started to fire white lights at all the ghosts, which all got one-shotted due to their horrid stats. Soon enough, everyone was coming at the mega sableye, which was running around the room. Jasper and Makan stayed in the middle of the room, casually eating cotton candy. “You can do it, guys. I’ll just stay over here and encourage you.” Jasper said. “Jasper, just use Thunderbolt already!” Whisper yelled. “Too tired.” was his response. Makan accidentally got his face covered in the cotton candy. “I’m stuck. Darn.” The mega sableye shot a confuse ray at Jasper, who was trying to dislodge the cotton candy from Makan’s face. It hit him. “Ach!” Makan got the cotton candy off his face by X-Scissoring it. “Hey Jasper, you’re gonna-” Against his will, Jasper unfolded his ears and started floating in the air from the confusion. “Argh!!!” He was out of control. “What’s he doing?” Mobius said, ignoring the fact that the mega sableye ran away in the confusion. Whisper’s eyes widened. “He’s exerting an extremely dangerous amount of psychic energy! Enough to level this whole place, but without his control!” “Oh f-” Jasper accidentally started to create an intense, destructive nova enveloping the room. “Jasper, no!” Whisper started running towards Jasper through all the debris around the room. Makan was blown away by the psychic blast into a corner of the room, and was still eating cotton candy. “Hey, stop. If you try that you’ll break-” She slapped him. He stopped destroying everything, and dropped to the floor. … ...blackness. A voice came. “Your arm. Welp, too late for that.” The voice sighed. “Alright, go home. All of you.” Another, slightly harsh voice responded. “How? We have no idea where the heck we are!” The first voice answered. “You’re in Sinnoh. I’m gonna teleport you back to your residences, see you later.” A flash of blue light. *gasp* Jasper woke up. He was curled up in his cot. He was in his treehouse. “What…?” He heard someone using his stove. He looked at whoever it was. It was his sister. “What happened?” Whisper turned around to look to Jasper. “You broke my arm.” She was wearing a cast. “Whoops.” He responded sarcastically. Then he sniffed a bit at the stove. Those are those worthless pancakes she’s cooking. “Your response to that is to cook those horrid pancakes, huh?” Whisper flipped the pancake easily, with Jasper’s eye twitched. “Nope. I just like pancakes.” Jasper pulled the blanket over himself and turned to the wall. “What time is it.” Whisper checked Jasper’s phone, which she pickpocketed from him. “1 PM.” “I’m late for that kid’s birthday party. Now what are they gonna do without the magician?” “Eat cake and hit a pinata.” “No, that’s not it! They’re not gonna have any fun without me around doing magic tricks!” Whisper thought for a minute. “Meh, i’m sure it’ll be fine.” Meanwhile… The Torchic was chatting to some other Pokemon. “I want to be a Blaziken when I grow up!” “I want to be a Feraligatr when I grow up!” the Totodile said. “I’m gonna be a Gallade when I grow up.” a Ralts said. Nearby, a Rhyhorn whispered into a Gallade’s ear. “That’s your daughter, right?” The Gallade sweated a little. “Yes.” A Chansey had walked up to the Ralts and told them that they couldn’t evolve into a Gallade. “That’s fine, then I can evolve into a Shedinja!” The Rhyhorn frowned. He kept silent. The Gallade’s eyes widened, he sweated some more and started shaking. “I uhh…” |
Woah, before I get to commenting on the latest part, I want to say in no way, shape, or form did I say your fic sucks and you need to stop. I admit to being blunt on some parts that weren't amusing to me, but it's because well comedy is hard. I tried it before, and after a few chapters it was evident a lot of my jokes were forced and such. That doesn't mean you should stop, though. Takes practice to get comedic timing right and all that jazz. Your story still has some amusing parts here and there, hence why I'm still here.
Anyways, onto the story. I like the flashback of Makan with the other legendaries, funny comparison between the fossil Pokemon and the more powerful legendaries. Guess that curse still has its benefits, huh? Quote:
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I'll admit, the transition from the battle with all the Sableye to Jasper and Whisper's residence is awkward. Mostly it's weird to me the two not wonder what happened to Makan and Mobius. Perhaps next part they'll remember? I'll admit the next part with Gallade and his daughter is amusing, although I too wonder how she got the idea of she'll evolve into Shedinja. ._. They're like totally different Pokemon species lol. |
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I'm just lazy. |
Part 5: Name of the Game
“Er… hello?” Jasper said, he was calling someone on his phone. “Yeah?” a voice said. He cleared his throat. “My sister told you that i’m taking a sick day, i’m gonna tell you that that’s not a prank call by the way. “The birthday party started like an hour ago and you’re going to say that you weren’t lying about being late.” “...yes. I just have to for some odd reason.” Jasper hung up. He sighed. The grocer was threatened last week so he couldn’t buy any eggs, so there was nothing to do. He looked around the house. Whisper was sleeping, because she was nocturnal. She switches Breakfast and Dinner around, saying that Breakfast is at PM and Dinner is at AM. Gasp. He felt something on his shoulder. Jasper slowly turned to look at what it was, and… “Eh.” “Wah!” Jasper spazzed and shook the Anorith off his shoulder, which rolled around on the ground aimlessly. Whisper stirred. “Jasper shut up, i’m trying to sleep.” “I uhh… okay.” “I said shut up.” Jasper shrugged and motioned Makan to walk outside, then opened the door and walked outside himself. Unbeknownst to him that he closed the door before Makan got a chance to walk outside the treehouse. Makan teleported to the porch of the treehouse. “Good day, Jasper.” “Uh, Makan, what happened? I just blacked out.” Jasper asked. Makan somehow had more cotton candy and was eating it. “Well, after you got confused, you started releasing your ultimate powers, yunno. The one you can’t control. So Whisper had to Wake-Up Slap you to stop you from nuking a tenth of Sinnoh.” “Sinnoh?” Makan threw the paper cone left from the cotton candy off the treehouse. “Yes. A mysterious figure is making a Nasty Plot. He’s kidnapping and turning innocents into aggressive, reckless whatchamacallits.” Jasper adjusted his beret, which he was surprisingly still wearing. “Hey Makan, how did you get my address?” Makan frowned. Somehow. “After my tree was burnt by an accidental fire I looked to see who accidentally burnt it and it was you, and then I heard that you accidentally burnt your own tree.” Flashback Jasper was cooking an egg outside. Broken egg shells and whites were scattered all over the ground. “Alright, this is the 78th egg flip today, let’s… DO THI-” -s again? Fire. A psyduck was spraying the burning tree down with a crappy water gun. “Whaddya think it means, Erin?” The mexican stereotype(Ludicolo) said to the Roserade. She stared at the random eggs scattered all over the ground. “I think it might’ve been a vandal. He probably was throwing eggs at someone’s treehouse, and then threw a molotov.” The Ludicolo turned back to the tree. “Looks like we have a firebug in the neighborhood.” Erin facepalmed. “Your boss is a Volcarona, Reed. Don’t say that in front of him.” [B]Present[B] “That never happened.” Jasper said in a singsong voice. “Did too.” “Did not.” “Did too.” “HEY!” A whimsicott climbed up onto the porch of the treehouse, with a paper cone stuck in her hair. “Who threw this at me!?” A few seconds of silence passed. Then Jasper pointed at Makan. “He did.” The whimsicott threw the paper cone at Makan, which did nothing, and then took off. Makan threw the paper cone off the treehouse again, and then turned to Jasper. “The point is, there’s an evil person who’s making an army of shadow pokemon.” Jasper came to a quick conclusion, despite not having any supportive evidence. “I know! It’s an evil Lugia! Big, evil, and differently colored!” Makan shook his head. “Nope, that would be too awesome.” They didn’t have anything to say for a few minutes… Until a Murkrow flew in and perched on Makan. “Hey cat, the boss needs you at the casino.” “I have a nam-” “Don’t care.” The murkrow flew away. Makan shrugged. “Okay. Let’s go.” He fell off the porch, since he was too small to use the ladder. “Ow.” Jasper looked over the edge at Makan. “Okay Makan, i’ll be right there,” And then looked around the porch. “After I accuse one more person…” He grabbed a scatterbug scuttling on his railing and then started blabbing at him. “Are you a shadow pokemon!?” The scatterbug was a little confused. “I dun noe wut a sadoe poffymon iz!” Jasper put the toddler back on the railing. Honchkasino He knocked on the locked door. A voice came out. “We’re closed, come back in 8 to 10 hours!” He knocked on the locked door. A voice came out. “Hey, idiot! We’re CLOSED!” He knocked on the locked door. A voice came out. “Oh my god if you keep knocking on this door I swear i’m gonna kick your a#$!” He knocked on the locked door. A Kriketot opened the door. “Goddamnit you idiot! Why didn’t you say anything!?” Jasper looked at Carl as if he did something wrong. “Isn’t the door bulletproof and soundproof?” “Yes the door is bulletproof but it’s not soundproof since you could clearly hear my voice!” Carl sighed. “Stop loitering and go.” He stepped aside for Jasper to enter. Jasper shrugged and walked past. As he walked past the arcade machines and poker tables, he heard voices in the office. “Why does your security consist of several useless dark-flying types?” He could hear Jade responding angrily. “They get the job done! There’s nothing wrong with them!” “Your entire security team is weak to electric type moves.” “Eh. I have Magnitude 19.” “Wait one moment, I sense that someone is on the other side of the door,” A Suicune opened the door, looking at the random Meowstic in front of him. “What do you want, kid?” Jasper readjusted his beret. “I got called here?” Jade, Makan, and Stanley were in the office, along with the random Suicune. Jade seemed to have an angry expression, but it changed when she saw Jasper. “Oh hey, kid… Come in, come in.” “Okay, kid. This is the chief of the police f-” The Suicune interrupted. “Kid, I am the chief of the police force, Chief Lionel. We’ve-” “Hey.” Makan said. Lionel looked at Makan. “What?” Makan cleared his throat. “Can I do the intro for you?” “What, you have no idea who I am.” Makan chuckled a bit. “Watch and learn. Hey Jasper, this is the big cheese of the police his name is Lionel or something but i’m pretty sure he looks nothing like a Lion.” Jade burst into laughter. Lionel sighed angrily. “Alright, if there’s no more interruptions then I would like to-” “Mister Lionel.” “What!?” he said to Jasper. Jasper was slightly intimidated, but asked his question anyway. “Why are you wearing ribbons?” … “They’re… just a part of me, okay?” Lionel said with a little frustration. “Now, kid,” ”My name is Jasper.” “I need you to tell me everything you know about the shadow pokemon.” Jasper took a deep breath. “Alright……… I need to go to the bathroom.” -static- Jasper took a deep breath. “Alright… I don’t know why but some Sableye teleported into the casino and then took a bunch of chips and then one of them grabbed my sister and teleported away so I used a dimbrenzional wrap to teleport me and some other fellas to my sister and then we attacked the sableye and they knew teleport and one of the sableye said that they were a shadow pokemon and-” Jasper took a few deep breaths, then continued. “-then we started fighting them but Mobius the bird was immune to ghosts so he beat a bunch of them up. And then Makan and I ate some cotton candy while sis punched the head honcho and then it used confuse ray on me and then I accidentally exploded a bunch of things and whoops I accidentally broke my sister’s arm and apparently we were in Sinnoh but then I got teleported back to my house where I was sleeping and my sister was making pancakes and then Makan told me to walk outside and also one of Jade’s cronies told me to come to the casino and then Makan went and jumped off the treehouse and then I accused a kid that was possibly 2 days old and I put him back and then I walked to the casino and I talked to the Mexican while I was on the way there and then I walked and a teleported a few spaces and then I reached the casino-” Jasper stopped; that was a pretty long explanation. But surprisingly, nobody interrupted the part where he talked about walking to the casino. “So I knocked on the door a couple of times until Carl or was it Karl with a K? Anyways I walked to the office where I heard you talking about something and then I walked in and you blabbed about a bunch of blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah get good you doofus learn to talk like a normal Pokemon blah! And then you walked me about the shadow pokemon and then I started a long explanation.” … Jade was sleeping in her chair, and Stanley seemed to be… sleeping too? His eyes were closed but he was still standing up. Oh, and Makan was…! Oh he’s also sleeping. Lionel was still wide awake. “So… that means the only useless- I mean useful thing to tell me is that they teleported you to Sinnoh?” Jasper thought for a few seconds, but honestly he was just taking deep breaths. *sigh* *pant* *sigh* *pant* “...Yes.” “I’ll get some men on this, then.” Lionel said. Then he walked out of the room. … “Huh. Hey Makan? Can you uhh… wake up?” No response. Jasper just picked up the Anorith and put him on top of his beret. “Hmm… I guess Stanley needs his beauty sleep. Hey Jade, are you awake?” Nope. Jasper tried taking Jade’s hat, without noticing that she was whispering: “Are they gone yet?” Her eyes snapped opened. “DON’T TOUCH MY HAT!” Jasper was knocked back by Jade’s yelling. “You don’t touch the Head Honchkrow’s hat! Now get lost!” Makan woke up. He yawned. No Makan, not that yawn, the other Yawn. Jade became drowsy… It was super effective. Jade fell asleep. |
Hoenn Recording 2
Linoone: Alright guys, I just finished mowing the lawn with my handy Cut HM. But when I looked out the window it all grew back. Oh. *ahem* So, *static*, how have you been? It’s been like… two weeks since you, *static electricity error* all moved to Kalos. Can you uhh… respond to us? Thanks. Flygon: Ooh, who’re you talking to? Linoone: *static*, on the webcam. Remember him? Flygon: Nah. Linoone: Anyways, we’re still the Hoenn League Champions. Flygon: I’m literally just Level 55. After I beat that Wailord I got swapped out for bacon. Linoone: Err, it’s Bagon. Aggron: Did someone say bacon!? Linoone: N-no, please don’t come over here i’m trying to record this. Flygon: Charles, get out of here; you’re gonna ruin our conversation with the mudkip! Aggron: What??? Linoone: Charles just- Aggron: HEY GUYS COME EAT PIZZA- *static* |
One little grammar mention, I notice often you have "i'm" without the "I" capitalized so "I'm" is the proper way to spell. Taking some time to proofread you should catch that.
Onto some thoughts on this part. Oh okay so Makan is back heh. I do admit the part with the firebug pun is cute and I chuckled. With the part where Jasper and Makan talk to the police chief, I feel the "I have to go to the bathroom" and then static is unneeded and Jasper talking all fast about what happened is good enough. Otherwise, with Makan's lion joke the debates whether the legendary beasts are felines or caines will neve stop huh? =P I wonder what's going to happen next, then. And just as I was wrapping up this review, you posted another Hoenn call lol. Yeah, Bagon and bacon does sound familiar heh. Now I want bacon pizza. |
Act II
Part 6: Septic Agent -Lumiose City- (So, apparently my segment of the story seems to end here, does it not? Oh well, I guess we’ll look at someone else’s story, preferably this Roserade which investigated the tree which I- I mean, an Exeggcute burned down, because it was such a rebel, right? Let’s get to it. So meanwhile…) Erin. Police officer. Undercover. Sells flowers. The hardest part was selling flowers. Roserades were known to be poisonous, and despite the fact that she said that she grew them herself and that they aren’t actually her hands clipped off to be sold to suspicious shady individuals, people rarely bought them. Xian. Police officer. Pancham. Literally carries a leaf in his mouth. But he’s just sleeping on the job. And nobody cares about his story why am I even explaining this- *static* A meowstic(Yes this is still Jasper) walked by the flower stall. “Hey mister, want to buy flowers?” He looked at the sets of blue and red roses. “Uhh… how much do they cost?” “One Pokecoin for a rose and two Pokecoins for a rose!” The Meowstic shrugged. “Meh, my sister is probably and likely allergic to flowers.” Erin rolled her eyes. Sure… “Meep.” The Meowstic ignored the fact that he heard an extremely foreign sound, and just walked away. Then he came back. “Why are you wearing a cape?” No answer, save for a slightly angered expression. The Meowstic walked away for real this time. “Meep!” Erin searched through the batch of flowers, and picked up a tiny Spritzee. “What am I supposed to do with you…?” The Spritzee’s name was… well Erin actually forgot the name of the kid. She sighed. Then looked up into the air, as if an imaginary spotlight was shining onto her, in the middle of a grand performance. “Oh if only I had a better job than running this flower stall, if only I didn’t have to take care of this baby bird, oh why, oh why?” “I’ve fallen, and can’t get up!” Erin’s attention was caught by a nearby Spinda, who tripped over a brick. “Help me help me!” Erin shrugged. “I’m too short. I can’t help you.” “Help me help me!” After a while, he managed to stand up and start walking around like a klutz again, almost accidentally walking into Erin. *static* A Dunsparce slowly inched his way over to the flower stall, with Erin grudgingly waiting for him to finish moving forward. Any day now… He took about an entire minute to move to the flower stall. “Phew, that was really strenuous.” “It really wasn’t,” Erin said. “Now would you like to buy some flowers?” “What color are they?” “Blue. And red.” The dunsparce was probably blind, that or he just seemed to keep his eyes closed all the time. “How much does blue cost?” Erin thought about scamming him, but of course that would likely be one of the most terrible ideas ever. Even if it was just scamming some weirdo snake thing. “One Pokecoin.” She wasn’t sure how, but the dunsparce threw a pokecoin onto the ground. Erin picked up the coin, then put one of the blue roses in front of the Dunsparce. No, seriously. I’m not lying about this part. He literally ate it. He just swallowed it without chewing it. Now, I don’t want to know where you got that coin from. The dunsparce started to inch away. Verrrrry slllllooowwwwwly. Erin looked at the Spritzee. “I’m bored, do you know about anything that’ll make me less bored?” “Meep.” “...yeah. That’s what I thought.” Erin’s cell phone got a message. [We have some strange reading in that abandoned house across the street. You need to check it out.] The abandoned house across the street? There is none. He must’ve meant the one four feet away from me. Erin walked into the abandoned house. “Okay kid, make sure nobody steals any of the flowers while i’m out.” she said to the Spritzee. There was a strange sound coming from within the house. She walked past several collapsed beams and planks, and found something most strange. A floating butterfree. It was emitting a hostile, purple aura. “H… hello? Are you okay?” Erin said a little nervously. The butterfree looked at Erin angrily. “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.” “What?” The butterfree rushed at Erin, who narrowly dodged the attack. “Woah! That wasn’t a tackle!” The butterfree grabbed Erin with a psychic, and then threw her around the room. “There can be no witnesses.” The roserade stood up, injured. “N… no witnesses? You’re a shadow pokemon… aren’t you?” “That’s right… Ugh!” Erin interrupted the Butterfree with a Giga Drain. But it didn’t seem to do anything. “You think you can stop me.” Erin started to run away, but she was lost. The abandoned house itself seemed to be intent on blocking her exit. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Am I gonna die here? Someone help me! The hallways were all blocked by debris, the walls all looked the same, and there were hazardous holes in the wooden floor. She turned around, the Butterfree was back. “No! Stay away you freak!” Erin tried a quick poison jab, but it was easily dodged. The butterfree countered with a Shadow Rush, ramming Erin in the back and knocking her down. Ugh… can’t move… Somebody… please help. “Pl… please don’t…” It was no use. “I’m going to kill you.” The butterfree used psychic on Erin again, and ruthlessly slammed her into a nearby support beam. Stopped moving. |
Couple grammar stuff first.
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The comedic side is somewhat underwhelming compared to your last chapter, but the dunsparce eating the rose was kinda amusing and yeah I think Erin is better off not knowing where he got the coin from, Nice use of bringing back Shadow Pokemon there, didn't think that's the last we've heard of them. I bet the police won't be happy about this. |
I forgot to move this Author's Note when I made Part 6, so I'll just put it here.
Because it's unlikely that you're gonna notice this if I inserted this into Part 6 correctly. AN: Roserade has a small alteration in this story. Whenever they want, they can twirl around in a circle, their cape concealing them, and when they finish their blossom dance the roses which their hands are made of are switched with small, frail hands. |
AN: Yes, I know that all legendaries are genderless for some random reason, but this is my story!Legendary pokemon have emotions like regular pokemon and are forced to have genders like regular pokemon!
Part 7: Umbral Agent Police detective Xian, the Pancham. He still hasn’t evolved despite the fact that he’s been mingling with shady types occasionally, but honestly he just thinks that having a branch in his mouth will be annoying. The sun was slowly and steadily dropping below the horizon. Soon... “So Reed, have you seen any Shadow Pokemon lately?” Xian asked. The Ludicolo wasn’t paying attention. He was texting three other Ludicolos and a Dragonite about a Siesta. “Wh- wha?” Xian and Reed were just sitting at some table in a cafe. For some indiscernible reason. “I said, have you seen any Shadow Pokemon lately?” He said, leaning in closer with a bit of hostility. “Don’t you need some special glasses for those?” Xian thought about the briefing for a moment. (“Make sure that you use this special Shadow Detector to check if anything is suspicious.” Lionel said, holding up a pair of shades.) “Nope.” “Oh, so they’re just radiating an all evil aura all the time, then?” Reed asked, sending the same paragraph of text to the third ludicolo. “Yes! You can tell because they act extremely and blatantly evil! They do evil things like evil laughs!” “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YES!” Reed and Xian turned their heads to the nearby Volcarona holding a phone somehow. “I leveled up.” “Boss, what’re you playing?” Reed asked. The Volcarona put the phone away. “None of your business. Get back to work.” Reed walked away with a Yessir. “And you, Xian!” “Yeah?” “Aren’t you supposed to be searching for those shadow pokemon?” “Yeah…” “Then you get lost too.” “Jeez, what a killjoy.” Xian mumbled, standing up and also walking to the streets. I wonder what Erin is up to. He tried calling Erin… but no response. “Xian.” Volcarona was right next to him. “Wah! Whaddya want?” “You’ve only moved like… 9 steps. I think you should stop lollygagging.” Nasty plot. “You just don’t want me to see that beauty contest app that you’ve been using, huh?” “Very funny.” Volcarona said. He leaned in closer to Xian’s face to intimidate him, then hit his leaf on fire. Xian tried pinching the fire, but it didn’t go out. “Ow!” Ugh, why do you have to be such a nut? “Alright, fine, i’m going!” Xian walked a distance until the fire stopped. Xian walked some more distance. Yunno, because walking was good exercise. Better than running. Someone ran into him, knocking them both down. “Oh! Sorry, mister! This might sound crass but can you give me 3 pokecoins please!?” it was a Smeargle, holding a bunch of painting equipment. Well… just a color palette. Xian stood up, rubbing his head. “Owww… that kinda hurt… What was that again?” The smeargle looked more desperate as the time passed. “I just really really need 3 pokecoins, please please please!” “Okay…” Xian patiently gave the smeargle 3 pokecoins. “Why do you need 3 poke- oh okay you’re gone.” He ran after the smeargle who was dashing in another direction. … “Ladies and gentlemen… please give a roaring cheer, for Vic ‘Vicky’ Victoria!” a crowd of people screamed and cheered for some short figure in a stage, situated in a special theater. He could hear the voices while standing outside. That would probably annoy anyone that lived lived nearby. The smeargle bought a ticket from the Bidoof and ran into the theater excitedly. Xian bought a ticket for 20 pokecoins(because the Smeargle is special for some reason) and casually walked into the theater. Honestly, I would’ve liked to watch Robin Hoopa instead. The stage was dark, with the only person that was illuminated by spotlights was the star of the show, a Victini.(I have no idea what the theater with the stage with the theater is called. Was it Ambitheater? Ampitheater? Ambipomber?) Vic ‘Vicky’ Victoria was doing intense magic tricks magic tricks of the likes that nobody has seen before. The smeargle was painting Vicky’s moveset somehow, changing pages within a few seconds. Xian made a suspicious hand motion. “You must be Shady the smeargle, who travels around the world, sketching the moves of everything you can.” Shady didn’t falter in his artistry. “Oh wow, how’d you get my name?” “I pickpocketed you.” Xian said nonchalantly, holding up a wallet. “What!?” Shady turned around and swiped his wallet back. “That’s it, I’m calling the cops!” Xian shrugged. “And ruin this fantastic show?” Vicky was now throwing around fiery dragons. “You can’t possibly do that. Plus, i’m an undercover cop.” Shady had at least 14 more papers to go. He pocketed his wallet and resumed his sketching. “Some cop you are.” Vicky did a lot of things. Create dragons out of fire, stand on those dragons, fly around with those dragons, mimic blast burns, walk on fire, mimic selfdestruct, and then use Calm Mind. Xian thought of the possibility of the audience accidentally getting burned, but the audience was probably being protected by a psychic water barrier. This lasted for an entire 30 minutes. Vicky leapt down to the stage off one of the dragons. “Thank you for coming all my adoring fans! I’ll see you all next time!” With a few last fireworks and a puff of smoke, she left. Backstage. Xian’s phone got a message. [We have some strange readings in the building you’re in. You need to check it out.] Sighing, the pancham walked up to the nearby Ursaring with the security cap. “Hey buddy, which way leads to backstage?” “What’s it to you?” he responded in an intimidating tone. Xian held up his badge. “This is all I gotta say to you.” The Ursaring motioned in another direction. Xian gleefully went that way. After showing his badge to another security guard, Xian fumbled around the hallways of the theater, finally finding the room Vicky was in. He just knew somehow. *knock, knock* “Who is ittttt?” Vicky sounded a little annoying for some reason. “This is the doc- *ah frik* -police. We think there’s a shadow pokemon here.” Xian wore his shades. He heard Vicky using a Contest App on her phone. “What’s a shadow pokemon?” Xian sighed with some frustration. “Just open the door.” “I need to get dressed firrrssst!” “No you don’t.” “Well aren’t you such a dear?” the door opened. Xian thought that Vicky wore ugly makeup for some reason, but he was wrong. “Okay, what’s a shadow pokemon?” Xian gave the best description that he possibly could. “They’re evil pokemon that like harassing and harming people.” “Like that poochie that’s been stalking me in all my shows?” she gasped with a slight hint of sarcasm. “And you’re here to take care of him for me? Ooh, you’re such a sweetie!” Please shut up… your voice is so annoying! “Can. You. Please. Take this seriously?” He noticed that Vicky wasn’t even looking at him. “Hey, can you pay attention for at least ten seconds?” And furthermore, he noticed that Vicky was suspiciously looking at the ceiling. He looked at the ceiling too. It was a Yanma, radiating a purple aura of evilness. “Hey, why does he look like he got lit on fire by a Chandelure?” Vicky asked. Xian slowly took off his shades. “That’s a shadow Pokemon…” “HEY!” Vicky yelled. “This is MY dressing room! Get lost!” “Naw.” the Yanma said. Vicky charged up an ember. “You asked for it, then!” The Yanma quickly used a poison sting on Vicky’s face. She stopped using the ember and started registering what just happened. “Oh second thought, be right back!” She opened the door and ran out of the room. Wow… no wonder you’re famous. Xian tried jump punching the Yanma, but it just clung to the ceiling. “Get down here you oversized pest!” “Eheh. Loser.” “Grrr! HIGH JUMP KICK!” Xian did a slow motion high jump into the air, then struck down the shadow Yanma with a kick. “Damnit! I’ll kill you now!” The Yanma hit Xian with a wing attack, which was kind of lame, and then followed up with a U-Turn. Xian dodged. “Ha! You missed!” The Yanma started breaking through the walls with shadow rush and leaving. “Catch me if you can, shorty!” his voice echoed. “Say your prayers!” Xian ran through the holes in the wall after the Yanma. … “Never fear, Vicky is here!” Vicky swiftly opened the door, now with a bandage on her face. Her face wilted when she saw that the pancham and yanma were gone, with two holes in the wall. “Aww man… I wanted to be the hero…” The security Ursaring’s face leaned in from one of the holes in the wall. “Hey, Mrs. Victoria? The guy that attacked the theater left.” Vicky gave the security guard an angry look, from the ridiculousness of what he just said. “Gee, thanks a lot, Captain Obvious!” … “Hey, Cap! I got a suspect here and i’d like some backup pronto! He should be heading towards Erin’s post!” “Negative.” Lionel said, as if that was completely fine. “All our other units are busy.” If it didn’t waste his energy Xian would’ve facepalmed. “You useless idiot!” He put his radio away. He ran a pretty annoying distance, past several citizens… a random spritzee, and into some spooky abandoned house. Almost knocking over that random spritzee, by the way. Spooky. As if. Xian could destroy the dark easily, and ghosts? He IS the dark. “Come on out you doofus, I haven’t got all day.” “I’m right here, idiot!” the Yanma came out from behind a support beam and throw a molotov at Xian. Xian ran away, because if he wanted to beat this sob story, he’d need to live first. He dialed up Reed’s number. “Reed! REED! I need the fire station at spooky abandoned mansion now at the southeast quadrant of town!” “What? What’s happening?” “One of those damn shadow pokemon is trying to burn me along with the house! It’s a firebug, and it’s not your boss!” “Oh, okay! I’ll be right there!” The Yanma came from behind. “Where do you think you’re going?” -Battle Transition Fade Through?- Shadow Yanma would like to battle! Yanma used Villainous Taunt! “You think you can beat me? You’re gonna burn here, pal!” It wasn’t very effective. “Quit sucking!” Pancham used Punch! It wasn’t very effective. Yanma used Annoying Wing Attack! It was super effective! Pancham used High Jump Kick! It missed… Yanma used Poison Sting! Pancham was poisoned. “That’s it, that’s it! Now you’ve gone and done it!” Pancham used Molotov Cocktail! “Wait what-” It was super effective! Yanma fainted! Shadow Yanma was defeated! Got 14 Pokecoins for winning! “Ungh……” “Wha?” Xian heard someone’s voice. He ran around until he found what he was looking for. Something that wasn’t orange, brown, or black, but green. Buried under some rubble. “Erin? Is that you?” He moved all of the planks and debris off, and indeed it was Erin. Bruised all over her body and badly injured. “Oh no.” He panicked for a moment, but calmed down quickly. “Reed, you there?” “Loud and clear.” “I…” Xian hesitated for some odd reason. “Bring an ambulance over. Erin’s hurt.” He ended the call, and then picked up Erin’s limp body. Aw [email protected]#%. This isn’t gonna be fun. The fire was spreading at a hazardous rate. It’d probably engulf the building within two minutes. Damnit, shouldn’t have thrown that bottle. Xian tried any way out, but either the building was too big to move through or debris was blocking the way. Move as close to the entrance as you can, Schenze. With luck, the fire team will have arrived. Xian ran towards to where he thought the entrance was, which was being burned to ashes. “Reed! If you are out there, call out to me!” ...no response. “Reed!” “That, you, Xian!?” “Yeah! I’m in here!” “Lionel just called me. He says that if I try to extinguish this fire, the house will collapse!” “I don’t care! If you don’t extinguish this fire it’ll still collapse!” “But-” “DO IT, REED!” Reed shot a torrent of water at a section of the burning house. It started to crumble from all the pressure, ready to collapse at any moment… “Alright Erin, you’re gonna have to trust me on this.” Xian sprinted forward, and slammed through the wall. Blackness covered his vision as he collapsed on the floor, the sounds of fire clouding his thoughts, except for one. Thank you. |
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The battle with Yanma and Xin, I do have to scratch my head over where he got that Molotov Cocktail. Probably during Vicky's show, heh. Am curious what further plans you have for the Shadow Pokemon here. |
Your nitpicking makes me feel half bad.
Your compliments make me feel half good. Eh. |
Part 8: Incendiary Agent
(“We need you- and you! To investigate Sinnoh for any possible shadow pokemon. Our one slightly unreliable source tells us that there were shadow pokemon here so get to it! Failure is not an option.”) Sinnoh Waters: S.S. Bayleef “Land ho, fellas!” the captain said. Raymond the Pyroar and Charlie the Gourgeist were standing on the deck, mostly bored. Along with a few other Pokemon, including Shady. “I am seasick. Please hurry this up, cap.” Raymond said. His normally calm voice was replaced with an annoyed tone. The captain’s head poked out of the window of the bridge. “Officer, you’ll have to wait a few minutes. Up to 20, maybe.” “Ugggggh.” “Hey, lady with the cat ears!” Captain said. Charlie turned around and looked at the captain, because she indeed did have cat ears despite being some animated pumpkin with an extra head. “Yeah?” Also, Charlie sounded slightly feline. Captain grabbed his hat with a vine and started waving it around angrily. “Tell your friend to shut up!” Charlie shrugged, if she could, then turned back to Raymond. “Hey, I think he told you to-” “Yes, I heard.” Raymond interrupted. The gourgeist peered over the side of the boat, looking at her addled reflection. “Ray, how are you getting sick? It’s just water. Water’s great.” Raymond just plopped himself onto the deck. “Terribad. Cannot tolerate water.” he coughed. “Now you’re just being silly, boyo!” Captain said. Raymond glanced at the captain Bayleef, with a slight ‘ugh’. “You’re a grass type. You’re a grass type. You are living plants.” Shady, who was wearing shades, was relaxing on a folding chair, silently listened to the conversation. “I’m not a grass type or a living plant, nor is the chef Luxray.” “Shut it, Shady. You’re probably making me feel worse.” “Raymond…!” Charlie said; “It’s just a few more minutes.” “That’s REAL assuring, Charlie. That reminds me of the part where I take the ferry back to Kalos!” He snorted. “Should’ve brung Erin for this instead.” Charlie’s happy demeanor waned a bit. “Ray… you know both Erin and Xian are in the hospital, right?” “Nope.” “LISTEN, Officer! You may be a part of the law but you should start acting more mature!” Captain shouted. Shady scratched his head and fixed his beret, noticing the chef walk up next to him. “Think he’ll last for the next 18 minutes?” he said. “Doubt it.” “Think they’ll be the most traumatic minutes of his life?” “Oh yeah, definitely.” the chef chuckled a bit. -18 Minutes Later- (Wait, they’re still unpacking the boat, docking, weighing anchor, and disembarking and all that, fast forward some more.) -9 Minutes Later- Raymond was taking several deep breaths to calm himself down. “Haaah. Okay. We’re... *huff* ...in Slateport City, right?” “We’re in Sinnoh.” Charlie said. "In... I don't know where the heck we are either." Raymond frowned some more. “Do not care. I am just happy to get off that wretched boat.” “Hey…” Shady said. “I think that guy is going to bump into you, just like in the last episode.” Charlie looked at Shady with a confused expression. "What was that?" Shady shrugged, acting like that was natural. "Errr... forgettabout it." Raymond moved a few steps left, and an Infernape ran into Charlie. “Ow! Watch where you’re going! I’m gonna have to fine you!” “Fine me? You ran into me, and you’re not a police officer, I am!” Charlie said, who then took like 30 seconds to stand up. The Infernape just shrugged and ran away. Shady who was nearby, gave a slight chuckle. An Empoleon ran up to the officers. “Hey!” she said. “Where the monkey that stole my hat!?” “Uhh… that way.” Raymond pointed at the direction of the Infernape. “Though he wasn’t carrying a hat, he was carrying a sock.” “Ugh! What’s with that idiot? He stole my hat!” the Empoleon shouted. Raymond looked at the Infernape, who was still running away. “Don’t worry, madam, i’ll catch him!” He sprinted after the Infernape. “...so i’m guessing your name is Dawn?” Charlie asked. The Empoleon’s eyes lit up a bit. “Yeah, how’d you get my name?” “Because Professor Rowan has one assistant with a sock hat. Oh, and I read the one tiny name tag on your ‘hat’.” Charlie said humorously. Dawn sighed. “Why does everyone call it a sock?” Meanwhile… “Got you now!” Raymond pounced on the Infernape. “Ow, watch it! Do I have to fine you some more?” the Infernape said. Raymond let the Infernape go. “Alright, boy. Why’d you steal the soc- *er-hem* hat.” “She bumped into me and she didn’t pay the fine that I gave her so I had to fine her somehow!” Raymond shook his head slowly. “You are ridiculous.” The Infernape sighed, putting his head down. “Alright... i’ll give the sock hat back.” “One more thing,” Raymond said. “What's your name?” “I’m-” “Barry, isn’t it?” “Uhh… how’d you get that?” “I just did.” -static- “Hey, you know what we should do right now?” Barry said. “Go home and relax because that will make me feel better?” Dawn replied. “No, let’s have a battle!” Raymond shook his head. "No. I am really not in the mood." "Battle time!" Barry said, as he probably didn't hear that response. [Insert Rival Battle Music Here, but no cool transition into a turn-based battle] "NO!" [Cut Rival Battle Music] Raymond sighed a little angrily. "Listen, we're just looking for... I can't remember crap." "We're looking for Ever Grande City." Charlie said. Dawn walked forward. "Sure thing!" She pulled out a map and gave the officers the fastest way(if possible) to Ever Grande City. While leaving out the possibility of random encounter! -1 Hour Later, Somewhere Else- “One macaroon; yeah, that one.” Shady paid the cashier a pokecoin, and got handed a red macaroon. Suddenly, a strange dimensional rift appeared in the air near Shady. “Uhhhhhhhhhh…” A small orange hand came out of the portal/rift/thing, and made a waving motion. Shady kept staring at the rift in confusion, when the hand made a peace sign, and then poked Shady’s eyes with them. “Ow!” Then it grabbed the macaroon and darted back into the dimensional rift, which closed. Shady rubbed his eyes, then looked at his empty hand. “My macaroon…” ---------- "Still seasick, Raymond?" Charlie said. Raymond rolled his eyes. "A little. Let's just get this over with." The two officers were walking on a route to Ever Grande City. Without a map of course. Raymond stepped forward, into the line of sight of a Plusle. "Hey! You walked in front of me, so you gotta fight now!" Charlie shook her head. "Is this going to happen every ten steps we take?" "Probably. It's going to be terrible." Raymond tried ignoring the Plusle, but he walked in front of him. "Hey! You're supposed to battle me!" Charlie thought for a second. "Hey, I think that if you keep walking, he'll give up!" Raymond considered that. "Really? I guess that should work." He walked forward, knocking over the Plusle and skipping the fight. Charlie followed right behind Raymond. The plusle, really sad just knelt to the ground and started to weep dramatically. "Noooooooo!!! Expee waste!!!" Unfortunately that wasn't it. After a few more seconds of walking, there was a road, full of pokemon looking forward for some reason. "Hey Raymond, I think they're going to challenge us to a battle if we walk in front of them." "YES, Charlie. I think I understand that." Raymond said angrily. "Okay, so all we gotta go... is run as fast as we can to prevent their death stares from freezing us in place!" Charlie gave Raymond a confused look. "Death stares?" Raymond broke into a run without answering. "Just run!" Charlie ran after him. "Hey, I challenge you to a battle!" They ignored it. They ignored all of the expee. They ran for a good long while. Would've been better if they had a bike. Though it worked out in the end, all the people asking for battles blurred together, and the officers reached Ever Grande City. "Oh cool, this place is big, just like in Lumiose!" Charlie exclaimed. Raymond didn't seem to care that much, though. "Let's just go." He just went to find the police station. Charlie reluctantly followed him. "Here it is." They arrived at the police station in only a few steps. "Are they closed or something?" Charlie said. "Try knocking." Raymond knocked on the door. No response. He knocked on it some more, which would presumably annoy anyone inside the station. A muffled voice was heard. ”Heyhey, keep it down! We don’t want anyone to hear us!” ”Eheheheheh… this’ll be fun. ”Shut it, shut it! Get rid of those idiots already! The rest of us will escape through this teleport. Rendezvous at the meeting place, got it!?” ”Roger, boss.” A psychic pulse was released in the station. Raymond banged on the door. “Hey! Who’s there!” “Let me check.” Charlie walked through the door, then came back out. “Ehh, nevermind.” Raymond banged on the door some more, then broke it down. “Alright who’s there!?” There was a Houndoom in the dark, unlit station. He slowly turned his head towards Raymond and Charlie. “Hello, meat.” “You’re a shadow pokemon, aren’t you!?” Raymond demanded. The Houndoom laughed evilly. “You want to know, guess i’d better show you!” He pulsed with a dark aura, then shot a bright purple light into the sky, causing a flashing light to rain everywhere outside. “Charlie, go hide somewhere. I’ll deal with this hooligan.” Raymond said. “Yeah, go. After that i’ll just brutally kill your stupid friend.” The shadow Houndoom said with a wicked smile. Charlie shook her head. “What? But he looks really dangerous!” Raymond shoved Charlie a little. “He’s extremely dangerous to you. I can take care of him just fine.” Without any further words, Charlie just ran into the dark police station, staying away from the flashing lights. “Right then… Let’s go, Meat!” |
Okay, the last comment there concerning my nitpicks is a bit off putting there to be honest. That time I just pinpoint some minor mistakes that could be easily fix if you read through your work again before posting. I did that as some readers might be off put by mistakes that could be easily fixed. I also noticed you still make mistakes with punctuating dialogue, so perhaps someone else can help you with that. All right, onto the story.
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I'll be honest, I feel the battle with Raymond and the others was filler. I know you're trying for the immune typings joke, but it didn't held my interest probably because you're using the bare bone description for writing battles. Otherwise, things didn't really get interesting until the very end with Houndoom's appearance. I apologize if I'm going down hard on you this chapter, the humor didn't really do it for me. |
Had my phone not screwed up you would of listened to my rant about how mentally impair I possibly am!
But instead you just have to listen to my responses. *grumble* The static is pretty much a quick transition that skips arbitrary segments. I know it doesn't make sense sometimes but sorry, that's all I got. And yes I know I could've done something like "And so the crew of the S.S. Bayleef waited a hefty 18 more minutes listening to Raymond's whining..." Or something similar. The Houndoom isn't named Meat. I usually have the name of the speaker in the line of which he speaks. like this. They saw the man in the shadows. "Hello, Akali." Or... They saw the man in the shadows. "You of all people, Schenze?" Akali said. So the houndoom is just nameless. Forever. So to top it all off... I hardly have feelings. Yeah. I give off an aura of misery, and absorb that way faster than others. |
I want to first apologize for mistaking Houndoom there. I went ahead and edited my reply there.
Concerning static, I thought you're probably doing that. Usually with skips I see other uses likes the asterisks (***), an underline, or some sort of other line breaker. Once more, I apologize if I went too hard on you there. I pointed out scenes I feel didn't work and how to improve on those. |
Victoria and her two guards, a Usaring and a Beartic... Marched down a hallway. It was calm, calm, too calm, was it not?
No matter. She stopped next to a door. "Wait here, both of you." The bears silently took positions on both sides of the door. Victoria opened the door and entered the room, locking it as it closed. I really should've gotten a smaller desk. The desk was about 4 times as big as her, and the chair was only a little less than that. She hopped up and grabbed the edge of the chair, scuttling up onto it. Then she climbed up to the desc and powered on the PC on it. It turned on instantly. She shoved the mouse around and opened a website, strangely titled: 'Pub297'. It was supposed to be a simple chatroom. It wasn't popular, though. She logged on. Username: Red Password: •••••••••••• The chatroom that she entered labeled 'Strict Secrecy Enable' had one other person using it. Blue. There is a new influx of strange shadowy pokemon coming into the regions. Do you somehow have anything to do with that? Absolutely not. Why would you think about such silly things? Because one of them traced me. The shadow pokemon are being used to debilitate the police force, and you think I did any of this? I got my eye on you, blue. Of course you do. Goodbye, then. Ah ah, you forgot to say the magic phrase. We never had this conversation. Blue has left the chatroom. Red has left the chatroom. Victoria sighed. Admins of the chatroom. How special. If the third admin was here. She looked at the third administrator name: Green. |
AN: I didn’t mention it earlier… Raymond and Charlie are now in Ever Grande City.
Part 9: Cursed Agent Hide in the shadows… that was how the ghost lurked, to put fear into your enemies! But how could you make your enemies fear you, when you are the one feeling fear? Charlie thought a little as she ran through the hallways of the station. Two more lifeforms are detected, besides Ray and that mutt! One big one small, they’re shadow pokemon, too, aren’t they? There was a light running sound nearby. Then the sound of someone shivering. Charlie made her best effort to stay away from the sound. Nobody could be trusted in a dim environment. She turned and walked away, keeping her attention focused on the sound. Why do I feel scared now? I’ve died once… fearless… reckless! I wish I never did what I did in the past, this makes me feel pressured. Too much. The shivering stopped, as the pokemon crawled through the darkness, trying not to be seen. “C… come out, stop hiding!” Charlie said as best as she could. The other pokemon didn’t respond, but started shivering slightly again. (“Shadow Pokemon are powerful pokemon, but it comes at an important cost to them. Their hearts are tightly closed. They feel no sense of joy or sadness. They’re nothing but wretched drones now.”) Who was it that told me that? Who exactly told me about them? Whatever. “I guess you can’t learn some manners.” a confident, cocky voice echoed through the station. “Introduce yourself instead of hiding in the shadows. I can see you just fine.” “Who’s there!?” Charlie said. No response from what seemed to be the second person. The smaller shadow moved. “Yaaaaah!!!” A sneasel jumped out from behind a table and ran at Charlie, preparing to claw her. Charlie reacted by jumping through the floor, then reemerging several feet later. The sneasel was just some kid, probably no older than 11 years. She trembled, looking at Charlie, then ran at her again. A talon emerged from from the shadows and grabbed the sneasel kid by her arm, then swiftly threw her onto the floor. The bird’s talon clamped onto the sneasel’s back, preparing to harshly rake her. “Nooooo! Stopstopstop no no please!” the sneasel kid screamed and cried a little. The bird picked up the sneasel with his talon, then hopped forward, revealing his face. He was a swellow with a fedora. “Good day.” Charlie was a little surprised at the sudden spontaneousness of the situation. “What… who are you?” The swellow shook his fedora a bit, then leaned his head into a wall a bit to fix its position. “My name is Mobius, and… someone told me to find you here. He said he needed your help?” “Lemme go, lemme go!” The sneasel said. “What about my friend?” Charlie asked. Mobius twisted his neck a little in reluctant consideration. “I’ll uhh… come back for him.” Charlie shook her head. “No! Just go help him right now!” “I can’t restrain this crook and help your friend at the same time though.” Charlie stepped forward. “Okay then.” She pulled a pair of ‘one-size-fits-all’ handcuffs and cuffed the sneasel kid to a nearby desk. Without any further words, Mobius flew off in the direction of the sounds and fire. There was just the sounds of fire. No fighting now. Mobius saw the houndoom, catching his breath. “I’ve seen your type before. Mainly, because you use that HORRID COLOR PURPLE!” Mobius dived for the houndoom. The houndoom was too weak from combat to dodge, he took the full force of the attack, getting knocked down. “Argh…!” A starmie appeared next to the houndoom in a burst of light. “Hehehe. We’ve already captured that burnt pooch. You’re too late!” He teleported both himself and the houndoom out of the station. ...but it was still raining lights outside. Mobius growled, then ran back to where Charlie was. “Your friend was captured by the shadow pokemon.” “How do you know about the shadow pokemon?” Charlie asked. “Firsthand experience. Now come with me, it’s still raining lights outside. I’ll fly us outta here.” Somewhat of a delay, but Charlie eventually uncuffed the sneasel kid, then hopped on Mobius. “You’re coming with me, too!” Mobius picked up the sneasel and walked to a nearby window. The sneasel kid started to flail around. “No! Let me go! I… i’m afraid of heights!” He stepped back a little. Then rushed through the window, shattering it. And he soared through the flashing lights. They might’ve stung a little, but soon Mobius had seemed to develop a gravitational field that was deflecting all the lights. Mobius leaned his head down a little to check the kid. She was covering her eyes, and was trying to curl up, probably crying like a baby too. They really were scared of heights. Soon they burst through the rain of lights. Charlie looked back at the police station. The flashing lights raining down upon it weren’t so sinister looking anymore. In the sky, Ever Grande city looked dazzling at dusk. What nasty plot had this Mobius character planned for them, now? He landed on the roof of a tall building. He lightly dropped the sneasel on the ground, who was either sleeping or fainted… which were both probably the same thing. He had Charlie handcuff the kid to a nearby antenna. Charlie hopped off Mobius’ back and looked at him suspiciously. “Okay, I would like some answers. Who are you exactly and what do you want?” Mobius sat down, leaning against one of the short barriers on the roof. “You want to know what I want? To go back to Kalos and play a nice game of Poker. But my boss says that I have to investigate the shadow pokemon too.” “How did you find me?” Charlie asked. “Quintangulation.” Quintangulation? “What?” Mobius shrugged. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand. My friend called his method that.” Charlie relaxed a little. “Okay… who’s your friend?” “You’ll see. Now stop asking questions, I really would like to sleep.” Mobius took his fedora and put it on his face. Ugggh… How am I supposed to find Raymond? I have so much more questions to ask… but I guess i’ll just… sleep. Charlie closed her eyes. And opened them in a new place. It was some tall mountain. That looks familiar. She floated up, finding the top of the mountain. That’s the sound of someone humming. That sounds familiar too. And then, she saw some Purrloin climb up to the top of the mountain. Then laid down and took a breath. “Phew… that was hard.” The Purrloin stood up after a few minutes and looked down at the bright cities in the distance. “Look out, world! I’m going to conquer you now! I’m going to conquer everything!” She turned around and walked into a cave, which Charlie didn’t notice earlier. “Hey, who’re you?” A Darkrai wearing a tie came out into view. “You’re not supposed to be up here!” “Look out, Darkrai!” The Purrloin said. “I’m going to defeat you and then take over the world with your powers!” Darkrai shook his head. “No. I have to play a 50 out of 99 Chess match with Cresselia in 16 minutes.” “I am going to take over the world!” The Purrloin scratched Darkrai. Darkrai sighed, then grabbed the Purrloin and put her outside. “The world can never be conquered. The sooner you realize that, the better.” He floated back inside. The Purrloin dusted herself off and turned to look at the city. I know what you’re going to say next. You’re going to laugh, evilly. Thunder effect. “NYEH! Heheheheheheheheheh! Soon…” The storm drew ever so closer, and soon it was right above Darkrai’s ‘castle’. “Nyeheheheheheheheh!” A lightning bolt struck nearby. And soon, one of them struck Charlie. That’s… that’s me! The purrloin dropped to her knees, and fell off the mountain. But a pitch black hand grabbed her foot, and pulled her up back onto the mountain. A minute of silence passed. The Darkrai knew that the cat was gone. “...I am sorry.” Charlie gasped. The stormy peak was now replaced with the lights of Ever Grande city. She looked around. The sneasel kid somehow obtained a cushion and was still sleeping. I died as a Purrloin. That explained my cat ears. When I died… a burning vengeance consumed my soul, and I possessed something so that I could keep living… Charlie looked around for Mobius. Mobius was talking to an Anorith a distance from Charlie, in the darkness. “Do you honestly think your plan is going to work?” “Grey, when have you ever doubted me?” “About all the time. From the time you were reborn from the fossil, until now. Your plans never seem to work. That idiot cat has been taken by Cipher and you think you spastic plans will save him?” “Come on. I am Level 100 now. I know 19 moves. What more could you want?” “The last time I knew you in Hoenn, you were Level 92, knowing 18 moves. That’s not much of a difference. Also that’s irrelevant.” “Pffft. Grey, you always have to be like this, do you? Just go through this plan. It’s worth a shot.” “Fine. But only because you can use your 19 moves to get us out of a pinch.” “Oh, and one more thing. Five sableyes are coming. If they try ‘that’, then you’ll have to…” the Anorith whispered something into Mobius’ ear. Mobius readjusted his hat. “Alright.” “Hey…” Charlie said, getting their attention. “Who’re you?” “Makan… the Anorith.” the Anorith said nonchalantly. Charlie twisted her neck a little bit. “What was that plan you were talking about? And why was Makan calling you ‘Grey’?” Mobius grinned. “I won’t be answering the latter. But as for the plan… well, you’ll see.” |
The last two parts I feel are much better even though the comedy is light this time around. The scene with Victoria I think it's a nice cliffhanger over the "green" administrator and makes we wonder what's going on.
Charlie a Purrlion from another life I got taken aback there. Even though it's meant for comedic effect, trying to go against Darkrai, huh? I most likely missed some clues here, but I'm interested Darkrai's role there if they do have one (their design does kinda look like a suit now I think about it, heh). Seems like it's been a while since the Meowstic siblings appeared, but with Moibus and Makan's appreance there I'm assuming they'll come back soon. |
Hoenn Recording 3
Salamence: Alright, a zigzagoon literally challenged us to a One on One match yesterday, well… he challenged Slade to one, anyway. That Zigzagoon was really powerful, but he was still no match for Slade. He used Flash, which blinded Chucky and the Zigzagoon. Aggron: Turn the lights off!!! Help!!! Linoone: Charles, just close your eyes for a few minutes, it’ll be fine. Salamence: We’re like… Level 78. Well I am, anyway. Aggron: Hey Frost is that you!? Salamence: Frost is out buying groceries. And how are you still blinded? Linoone: Hey, Charles! Aggron: Whaaaaat? Linoone: Your… your eyes are closed, you know? Aggron: What? Oh? I can see! I’ve been cured of my blindness, guys! Salamence: Do I have to babysit you, everyday? Aggron: I’m not a baby, guys. |
AN: I wish someone other than Alex Bayson would write posts commenting about my fiction. I feel like I have an empty audience, despite having 500 something views.
Part 10: Undying Forest of Makan, Dusk (My brother hasn’t been around lately. He hasn’t been responding to my telepathic communications, either. I asked Makan about it, but he refuses to tell me about anything. Did something happen to him?) Whisper was cooking more pancakes. Unlike Jasper she could cook food better than he could. Because girls could cook better? Oh the things that she’d do when people would say that. *knock knock* Whisper froze the pancake in time, and then walked to the door and opened it. Jade was standing on the porch a little nervously. “H-hey, Whisper. How’s your day?” Whisper scratched her ear for a bit. “There was no day. I just slept and i’m about to eat breakfast. That probably applies to you too.” “Right…” Jade said. “Anyways, have you seen Mobius around?” Whisper shook her head. “Nope. I haven’t seen Jasper either.” She went back to cooking her pancake. Jade fixed her hat. “Can’t you talk to him with… your telepathy or something?” “Nope. He’s inactive.” “Oh. Can’t you… travel through your pocket dimension?” “You’d expect that, wouldn’t you?” Whisper flipped the pancake onto a plate, using her telekinesis to make it land correctly. “While he can intrude on other people’s privacy, i’m just better at teleportation. I can teleport further than he can, and I have better reflex when it comes to that.” Jade sat on the only couch on the house, and started lighting a cigarette. “So what are we supposed to do, then?” Whisper thought for a second, pouring some slightly different maple syrup on her pancake. “Let me borrow your phone, I can give him a ring.” Jade handed Whisper her cell phone and she punched in Jasper’s phone number. *ring! ring* The meowstic scrounged through her pockets and found Jasper’s cell phone. “Oh right… I took his cell phone when he was asleep.” She gave Jade her phone back and just relaxed on the couch, eating her pancake. “Mobius turned his phone off, so I can’t find him either.” Jade crammed her phone into her feather coat. Whisper didn’t seem to care, she just ate her pancake. There was a delay on the chatter, since Whisper took several seconds to swallow her food. “What a shame. By the way, the casino is going to open on 27 minutes.” “The casino is still closed.” “Why? That sableye attack was only about 2 days ago.” “I don’t know. Maybe because all the clients can’t play Poker and Blackjack when about half the tables are broken!” Whisper finished her pancake, and used her telekinesis to drop the plate into a sink. “Ugggh. What am I supposed to do today, then?” “Let’s… just go out for a walk, or rather, a flight. I haven’t flew around for a length longer than 2 minutes for a long while.” Whisper shrugged and followed Jade outside. She hopped on the honchkrow’s back and harshly clung on. “Don’t drop me.” “What’s the matter, you afraid of heights?” Jade said, laughing a little. “I’m not very comfortable flying around hundreds of feet above the ground.” ……… (Your plans never seem to work. That idiot cat has been taken by Cipher and you think your spastic plans will save him?) Ugh… damnit. Where am I? Where are those clowns? Jasper seemed to be lost somewhere, he couldn’t move his body. I was just buying flowers. After talking to that weird blue lion thing with the ribbons. Why can’t I move? Jasper opened his eyes. He was strapped to a wall, his ears seemed to be duct taped, there were wires attached to his head. He saw some random Staryu typing in commands into a console. “H… hey…?” “Oh, you’re awake.” The Staryu said in some slightly distorted voice. “Had a great sleep, didn’t you?” Jasper was really drowsy. “Wh… who?” The Staryu went back to typing in commands. “Yeah. They always ask that. And I got only one answer. We’re going to turn you into a shadow pokemon.” “Nooo…!” Jasper started to struggle against his restraints. The Staryu would’ve laughed if he could. “There’s nothing you can do. Accept your fate, fool. Soon we’ll have every Pokemon as a shadow pokemon.” Jasper panted a bit and stopped struggling. “Haaa… hahaha…” He smiled a bit for some odd reason, then looked at the scientist. “Why aren’t you a shadow pokemon?” No answer. Staryu finished inputting commands. “This might hurt a lot, but that’ll be irrelevant within a minute.” He pressed a big red button on the console. Jasper received a jolt in his head. He felt a little angry. “Excellent,” Staryu said. “This’ll go smoothly.” He turned up a dial and held down the big red button. More jolts. More pain. Damnit you stupid star, i’m gonna kill you! UGH! Hurts… too… much! The longer he felt the electricity the more pain he felt. The more he wanted to hurt someone. Whisper, you incompetent sibling, I’m… going… to… stop… stop… It stopped. Jasper’s eyes were closed, he was tearing up a little. “Alright. Answer these questions. Do you have any friends?” Tekot said. “No.” “Good. Is there anyone that you care about?” “No.” “Yes, perfect. Final question. Are you willing to do anything; and everything, that we ask of you?” “Y… No! No! No! Stop it!” Staryu activated the button one more time. “Nnnngh. No…! You… I-” Jasper lost all will to resist. Stop it… stop it… The pain… He closed his eyes… and didn’t open them again. ”When he wakes up, make sure to send him to the interrogation room.” Jasper woke up. He was in some sort of cell. Clowns, clowns, where are those clowns!? I’ll kill them, I’ll… kill…. He collapsed. ”Make him stand up, he’s awake.” The cell door opened. His limp body was dragged out of the cell. ”Take this one to the interrogation room. He knows too much.” He was dragged around several corridors and hallways, doors were opened… And Jasper was plopped onto a chair. The weak, shadow meowstic slowly opened his eyes. There was a Starmie sitting across a table with a notebook. “You will answer any question that I will give you truthfully, correct?” “Yes.” The Starmie(which will be referred to as ‘Tekot’) started. “What is your name?” “Jasper Stick.” “Are you willing… to do anything, and everything that we ask of you?” “Yes.” Jasper, you are so lazy, Wake up! “If you are captured by the authorities, then what are you supposed to do?” F… forget it. Let’s just get this over with. “Poison… myself.” Well aren’t you such a dear! “Last of all, why do you obey us?” The frying pan is on fire. “Because… because… I…” The look on your face when you come back home is going to be… “ANSWER!” I can’t lose to you. Because i’ve never lost to you! “You’re a filthy...!” Jasper stood up of his own accord and tried attacking Tekot, but his mind was clouded by shadow influence once again. Tekot wrote some notes down. “This is a tricky one. Maybe I should save the effort and kill him instead.” Jasper resisted again. And he unfolded his ears. “I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!” He unleashed a blast of mixed psychic and shadow energy. ……… “What was that?” Whisper noticed a disturbance somewhere, along with some sound. Jade slowed down her flight a bit. “What do you mean? I don’t hear anything but the wind.” Whisper pointed in a seemingly random direction. “That way. In that forest.” Jade flew in closer, keeping an eye on the wild pokemon, the ones which didn’t conform to city life which was completely fine. “Whisper, I don’t see anything.” “Right there. Something is different about that spot.” Whisper pointed at a slightly suspicious patch of greenery. “Alright then.” Jade slowly landed, and just noticed the dull building in front of her. “Woah. What is that.” Whisper scratched her ear a bit. “There was some sort of extreme psychic disturbance here. Maybe it belongs to those shadow pokemon. But to find out we have to get in somehow.” Jade’s eyes lit up. “Ooh, I got an illegal keycard scrambler on me!” “...how?” Jade walked up to the door(which could barely be differentiated from the wall) and pulled out a keycard, swiping it through the door’s scanner. “I just do.” It didn’t work. Whisper shook her head slightly. “No, where did you get that?” “Black market. You never know, huh?” Jade swiped the card some more until the door actually opened. “You’re so unladylike.” Jade gave a charismatic wink and walked through the doorway, stepping on some Starmie on the ground. “Woah- oh.” “Ugggh… ha… ha.” the Starmie mumbled. His len was cracked. “You’re just in time… for the party.” He seemed to have blood on his limbs, despite being some sea star thing. “What’re you talking about?” Whisper demanded. The Starmie spoke in a raspy, debilitated voice, which gradually was becoming worse. “One of the shadow pokemon… *urk* ...is enraged. He’ll destroy… e-everything.” Jade observed the corridor. Some of the lights were broken, and there were alarms blaring, with automatic voices on the loudspeaker ordering all available units to capture the rogue pokemon. There was likely to be no response. And one Houndoom’s body on the floor, beaten to death and bloody. The Starmie laughed hysterically. “Aha… this is just… the tip… of the ice… berg. Uuuh…” The light on his face dimmed. |
Okay, so I got mixed feelings over your comment on wanting readers. (spoilers because it's long).
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Okay, now some feedback on the latest chapter. Quote:
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Well, this took on a much different turn than last chapter, especially with Jasper's thoughts and the interrogation. I did chuckle though at the part where Jade mentioned getting the keycard scrambler from the black market. Looking forward to what happnens next. |
Honestly, writing 'Alex Bayson' was a complete accident.
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Part 11: Next Track (Part I)
Lumiose City PokeCenter 2 Hour Ago... Xian sat on a guest chair, sleeping. Yesterday he had to get Erin out of that fire. He remembered it like it was just a few minutes ago. Lionel was attacked by a shadow Manectric this morning. The chief dealt with it just fine, but the Manectric managed to escape. Raymond and Charlie are at Sinnoh, haven’t they? They’ve probably been there for several hours and Raymond still won’t answer his phone. Prick. Sleeping in a hospital bed. (In what she calls her ‘Calm Forme’, where she has hands and her red and blue flowers are moved to the back of her cape.) Erin was still in a coma. Sleeping, lost, but safe. Don’t ever leave me alone again. Please. Xian woke up slightly. Can’t sleep ever. Not without sleep medicine. His hand fumbled around, grabbing a cup of coffee. He drank some of it. Tasted more like chocolate than actual coffee, but whatever. “Mmmh…” Erin stirred a bit. Xian hardly reacted. He just kept drinking his coffee. The roserade went back to sleep. Xian wanted to keep it that way. It was fine by him. Safer. Safe. He stopped drinking his coffee, and walked to the door. He’d just barely touched the handle. "Xi...an.” Xian slowly put his hand down, and turned his head. “Erin?” Erin kept her eyes closed, but she held up her right hand a bit. Xian turned around and calmly walked over to her side, holding her hand. “Are you okay?” ”Any… thing… but.” Xian smiled lightly. “I almost missed you.” ”Don’t. Say that.” The pancham sighed. “Why won’t you look at me?” Erin smiled, with some slight strain. ”I don’t want to, not until I can hug you, cry in your arms, ha… ha…” She gave a faint cough. “I’ll be waiting, then.” Xian let go of Erin’s hand and turned to leave. “Xian?” “Yes?” Erin turned away from him, and opened her eyes a faint bit. “Can… you find my keys…?” Xian rolled his eyes. “Maybe. Where are they?” “Flower stall.” Erin shed a single tear from one thought. “Right.” Xian opened the door. “Sleep tight, Erin.” He went. Past an uninviting section of guests, into a lobby. Which didn’t smell that much better. Outside into the cold night. Almost. The sky was still losing it’s color. He walked. He knew important places by heart. Heart… Clueless shadow pokemon. Xian dialed up Reed’s number. “Hello?” There was some smoke rising from the charred house. “Did you find the Yanma?” “Err… yeah, we did. He was dead, burnt to a crisp.” The house was nothing more than a pile of darkened planks. “Damnit.” “What? What’s wrong?” Some soot and ashes covered Erin’s flower stall. “That was a shadow pokemon. If he wasn’t flying then I could’ve captured him.” “Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m sure you’ll get another chance.” Xian opened a secret compartment in the flower stall, and pulled out a ring of keys. I’m missing something, aren’t I? (“Her name is Mia. My mother said that she’s a long distance relative, apparently. I have to take care of her for some reason.”) That little bird, wasn’t it? Where is it… Xian looked around the stall, near the broken house, but he couldn’t find any trace of the bird. Still carrying Erin’s phone, too. Dangit. Xian sat down on a chair near the cash register(also in the secret compartment) and sighed. Can’t find the baby bird. “Looking for something, honey bunches?” Xian turned his head. It was Victoria, without any guards this time. “Wha?” She was had ‘Mia’ perched on her fingers. “...yes.” Victoria calmly passed Xian ‘Mia’. “Thanks for getting rid of that bug, sweetie.” Thanks for getting rid of that bug, sweetie. Xian scowled. “Don’t flirt with me.” He racked his brain, because he seemed to have been reminded of something. “Anyways, I got one question to ask you.” She stayed the same silly person as before. All the time. “Yesssss?” “Have to been referred to, as Red?” Victoria stopped smiling. “Who gave you that name?” Despite that, your voice is still a little annoying. “Oh, so it’s true, isn’t it?” Xian smiled with overconfidence. Victoria crossed her arms. “Yes, i’ve been called Red by two people. Now tell me, who gave you that name?” Xian shrugged a little. Because he wasn’t sure that he had a correct answer. “A shrimp.” “Of course it was. Now i’ll be taking my leave, if you don’t mind.” “Not so fast.” Xian stepped forward. “Why is that name important?” A few embers surrounded Victoria. “You’ll see me later, dear. You should learn how to talk to a lady.” The flames grew intense, bigger. “I do.” Victoria smiled one last time. The flames enveloped her, then dissipated. Leaving nothing to follow. ---------- Back to the PokeCenter. Xian whistled, walking over to the room Erin was in. He looked through the window as some doctor-person; a Lucario was talking to Erin. “How many fingers am I holding up?” the doctor asked. “Three.” “That’s incorrect, sorry. It’s five.” “You don’t even have five fingers.” The Lucario looked at his hand. “Whoops.” He opened the door without noticing Xian was looking through the window. “Whoops.” He rubbed his forehead a little, because he goofed his voice a bit. “Eheh, sorry.” He walked past Xian. “Meep.” Erin noticed the spritzee’s chirp and turned to look at Xian. “...hey.” she smiled. Xian grinned. “I don’t you didn’t want to see me until you were out of bed.” “Haha… shut up.” Xian put the spritzee on the side of the bed, and put Erin’s keys on the nearby table. “Meep.” Honestly, i’ve forgotten the name of the bird and can’t be bothered to remember it. “Please don’t leave me again.” Xian held Erin’s hand. “Don’t worry. I never will.” The silence was broken. By Erin’s phone receiving a ring. Xian pulled it out and looked at the caller’s name. “It’s for you.” Erin grabbed it and frowned. “Mother.” Xian just sat back in one of the chairs. The conversation was really, indecipherable. Xian couldn’t tell what Erin was talking about, but she seemed to be adding sarcastic effect into her sentences. “Yes, mother. She’s right here.” She’d say, annoyed. “I am fine. “Yes, I told you. I am fine.” “Mother, we’ve been over this.” There were other things that she would say, but Xian paid no attention to most of them. “Thanks, Mother.” Erin said, irritated. She handed the phone to Xian, who put it on the nearby table next to her keys. Xian yawned. “What was that about?” Erin gave a short sigh. “My mom asks too many questions. Half the time she asks them again just to make sure.” Xian leaned back in his chair. Several seconds of silence passed. The panda was daydreaming. But he let that one thought go. “So! What happened in that abandoned mansion?” Erin spoke sadly. “I felt fear for one of the first times in my life. A butterfree attacked me, tried to kill me. She thought she killed me.” Xian didn’t dwell on it any longer. He wanted the shadow pokemon to stop plaguing their lives. The lucario doctor opened the door to the room. “Good day. Okay, officer...s. I got some news for you.” He flipped through the pages his clipboard. “You’ll be able to leave in about… half an hour or so.” That’ll kill us of boredom. They waited awhile. Hospitals were boring. They killed the mood. ...sigh. 8 minutes to go. Ring-a-ding. Xian answered his phone. “Yeah?” “Hey, Xian? Is Erin okay?” It was Charlie. Xian had his eyes closed while he was talking. “Yeah, she’s fine.” “Really? That’s great! Now listen up, this is important. You’re still in Kalos, right?” “No, i’m in the distortion world, negotiating random crap with Giratina. Yes i’m in Kalos.” Charlie ignored the sarcasm. “There should be a forest west of Lumiose, I was told that there’s a shadow pokemon operation happening in there, so you should shut it down!” Xian opened his eyes. “Uhh, don’t we need clearance for that?” “I don’t care about clearance, you have to look into it!” “Waitwait who told you about the shadow pokemon?” There was a little bit of a delay. “An Anorith.” “What!?” Xian got Erin’s attention. “Uhh… is there something wrong with that?” Xian noticed Erin looking at him funny, and lowered his voice a bit. “An Anorith earlier, told me about some Person Of Interest for some random reason.” “It’s a teleporting Anorith.” That sounds really, really stupid. “Anorith can’t teleport or use any psychic powers.” Charlie just hung up. Just flat out hung up in the middle of a conversation. “Who was that?” Erin asked. “Charlie. Calling about some shadow pokemon hideout.” “Where’s Raymond?” “I have no idea.” The lucario doctor knocked on the door(for once) and came into the room. “Alright then, you can probably leave now. Can you stand or do you need a wheelchair?” Erin scowled. “I’ve been able to move freely for at least ninety hours now.” She tossed the blanket off her and got up off the bed. “Check out at the front desk.” The doctor left the room. ---------- Cold breezes went past the two. “So…” Erin started. “What’s that Shadow Pokemon place?” “I don’t know if you should come…” Xian said. “I’ll be fine, Xian.” She smiled and put her hand on his shoulder. “I’ve got my knight in shining armor to protect me.” This won’t end badly. It can’t. “Alright then.” He directed and walked Erin to his apartment. Why do I do this. Why do I risk my life for everything? Very dark. The blackness blanketed everything. Xian had a motorcycle at the apartment's parking lot. He saw it, as he walked slowly behind Erin in thought. “Hey...” Erin said, concerned. “Why are you slowing down?” Xian looked at Erin uncomfortably. “I have a question.” Erin's expression darkened, as if she knew what question was coming up. “Xian…” “Do you still love me?” “...” “...?” “...yes, Schenze.” |
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This is more of a laid back chapter but it's fine after the past few ones went on a more different direction than it first start. Nice to see Xian's thoughts over all this and his feelings towards Erin. |
I would've posted this earlier but I felt uninclined at the time.
But anyways im just here to say that I dont like working on the fanfic during weekends and fall break. Because I usually write up the story during school hours. When I don't have access to Bulbapedia to get my facts straight. |
Part 11.5: Next Track (Part II)
(“But i’ll never be anything more than the flower girl.”) ("Dropped off that bird at the fire station for now.") ----- Xian was speeding through the empty streets of the night on his motorcycle, with Erin along for the ride. No one but a few nocturnal pokemon remained out in the streets. Outside of town, into the forest. Filled with random idiots like Bunnelby, Dedenne, and Chespins. He drove through the forest lazily. Avoid the trees, avoid running over wild pokemon who liked living in the tall grass, and slow the hell down. Eventually, the forest was too dense to drive through, and Xian eventually stopped. “Looks like we’re going to have to hoof it from here.” “I don’t mind.” Erin says, she got off the motorcycle, ignoring the fact that Xian picked it up and then crammed it into his ‘inventory’. They walked through the forest, trying their best not to step on anything suspicious. Eventually, then found a dark grey structure of extreme suspicion, hard to see. “Wow. They even piled leaves onto the roof.” Xian said. He walked up to the wall and put his ear to it. No sound, likely more than two inches of cement and steel. “Guess we should find the entrance.” They found the entrance by simply walking over to the other side of the building. It was open, with the bright light of it repelling the cloaking darkness. “What is that sound?” Erin and Xian heard sounds of thrashing and other hostilities. He looked through the doorway. One Starmie and a Houndoom. Dead. “Ah hell.” He backed up and covered his eyes. What… what…? “What's in there?” Erin walked closer to the door, then instantly walked backwards after she saw enough. ... “I'm calling Lionel for backup.” Xian dialed Lionel up. Knowing him, he'll be useless as ever. “Hello?” “Captain, we need some backup. We have found a remote structure in the forests west of Lumiose.” Xian said. “Negative, Xian. We're currently investigating another matter at the moment, call back-” Hung up. Don't. Just don't, you moron. Xian put his phone any. He didn't want to hear it. Erin scratched her head. “So what's the plan now?” “We'll have to just do this stealthily.” Xian looked through the doorway of the complex. He looked back at Erin. “Okay, follow me.” Erin quickly followed Xian's movements, darting through the doorway and into a nearby room. “What is that thrashing sound I keep hearing?” She whispered. Xian shrugged. “I don't know, but we better find it before it finds us.” The officers analyzed the room they were in. Empty power generator, complex map, maintenance tools, probably a storage room. “Heyhey, shh shh.” Erin saw a slight shadow coming down the hallway. She pointed at the shadow for Xian. “How did you miss this room? It was right by the entrance.” He slowly crept towards the doorway and waited as came closer… That's right, keep walking. Xian quickly grabbed the owner of the shadow: a Meowstic. She started struggling frantically, psychically grabbing tools off the shelves and throwing them everywhere. “Hey, stop that!” A honchkrow dashed into the room and slashed Xian, causing him to let go of the meowstic. Erin slugged the honchkrow in the face with a rose, who recoiled greatly. The meowstic psychically grabbed Erin and threw her at Xian before he had a chance to attack with a roll dive. “Alright, alright! Stop it before I beat you two too much!” The meowstic shouted. “Now, *huff* you are going to answer my questions, got it?” Damnit… No response, but that meant a yes for some reason. “Who are you and what is the purpose of this place!?” Uhh… what? “We're… we were… gonna ask you that same question.” Erin said softly. The meowstic calmed down a little. “Oh really, ...why are you here?’ Xian stood up and dusted himself off. “We are police officers of Lumiose,” he showed his badge(Erin did too). “We were just investigating this complex, which might've been related to the shadow pokemon incidents.” “I can tell you're not lying.” The meowstic straightened her tie, for whatever reason. “I'm Whisper, and this is my friend Jade. And you're names are…?” Schenze. “Xian.” “Erin.” “Okay then.” Whisper said. Jade hadn't said anything the whole time. “Hey Whisper, we should split up.” Whisper turned to look at Jade. “We should not- okay fine. You two, get lost or something.” Xian thought for a few seconds. “One thing. Do you know what that ruckus is all about?” “It must be a rampant shadow pokemon.” Jade answered. “Try not to get in it's way.” “I guess we should be going, then?” Erin asked. Whisper crossed her arms. “Yeah, you do that.” You're a little short on respectfulness. Xian walked out of the room, and turned to see another meowstic, except this one was male and looked real mad. Oh f- The crazed cat started sprinting towards Xian on all fours, wanting to kill. “Xian what're you-” “Look out!” Xian dived out of the way, and Erin stepped back into the room. Whisper darted out of the room, and saw the meowstic. “Jasper!?” “What?” Jade said, not equally surprised. Xian stood up and straightened himself. “He a friend of yours?” Jasper fiercely raked at Whisper, who reacted by jumping and walking on the ceiling. “He’s my little brother! Don't hurt him!” Erin just ran out of the room and dashed down the hallway. Xian ran after her. “What're we supposed to do?” He yelled. “Figure out what to do because I have no idea!” Erin responded. That’s not very helpful. Xian skidded to a stop. “Hmm…” (“Typically, the power grid of a building is located in the basement. Use that for the purpose that you require.”) Xian darted into a random room and tried looking at the walls for a map. Instead, there was a Staryu cowering in one of the corners of the room. “Alright you,” Xian grabbed the Staryu. “Where’s the power unit!?” “B-b-bottom floor! Stairs are on the right!” the Staryu quickly said, trying to avoid a beating. Xian tossed the Staryu on the floor and ran to the stairs. After some more running around aimlessly. He heard muffled speaking above him. “Hey, flower girl! Don’t come any closer, we can deal with this just fine!” “Nope no you can’t he’s shooting more shadow blasts at us!” “Jasper wake up! Jasper! Stop trying to shoot me! Stop!” “What am I supposed to do, then?” It was dark, for whatever reason. But Xian found the main power unit just fine. Unfortunately, he couldn’t figure out how to deactivate it. He dialed up Erin. “Hey, hey Erin I found a power unit. How do I shut it down?” “I’m in a middle of something here, this kid is throwing chairs everywhere!” Xian growled. “Erin, I need to shut the power down to stop him, how do I work this thing!?” “Isn’t he nocturnal, though?” There was the sound of the phone being moved. “No, he’s not nocturnal.” Whisper had the phone now. Presumably by taking it through telekinesis. “Listen, if you’re stuck, just break it!” “Uh- break it?” “Burn it or something! Punch it! Destroy all the wires for all I care just do something!” That seems sensible. Xian put the phone down and ran up to a nearby generator. He unscrewed the lid of it and crammed a random rag he found into the gas tank. Then, he pulled out a lighter and started trying to burn the rag. *click, click, click* *click, click, click, click* Come on, come on… work damnit! An orange light formed on the rag. Xian bolted up the stairs. What he just did was really unorthodox, but he didn’t care. …! ……!! ………!!!!! *BOOM* Xian was knocked down from the building shaking suddenly. The lights flickered wildly, and then died out. The ringing wouldn’t stop. The ringing won’t stop. The ringing stop. Stop it. The blur in Xian’s vision corrected itself. He was a little dizzy. Focus, foxus, foxes. Xian shook his head. He felt a little better, and walked throughout the dark hallways. Erin was sitting against a wall, covering her ears(if she had any). “Erin. Erin it’s me. Are you okay?” Xian tapped Erin a few times to get her attention. “...” Erin looked at Xian as if he seriously did something wrong. “Xian, are you crazy!?” Xian moved back a little, because he seriously did do something wrong. Then Erin hugged him. He kept silent, looking around. Jade was unconscious, looking like she fell forward after slipping on ice. Jasper was also unconscious. He actually looked like a normal pokemon. Whisper stepped forward from some dust clouds. She was unharmed, with some sort of light barrier protecting her. “H-hey. Jasper, wake up.” “Don’t.” Xian said. He stood up and put on a pair of special shades. “He’s still a shadow pokemon.” “Give me those.” Whisper grabbed the shadow readers off of Xian’s face and wore them. She sighed and tossed the glasses on the ground. “Alright… let’s go home.” |
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“Alright, alright! Stop it before I beat you two too much!” The meowstic shouted. “Now..." She let out huff before continuing. "You are going to answer my questions, got it?” Quote:
Xian tossed the Staryu on the floor and ran to the stairs. After some more running around aimlessly, he heard muffled speaking above him. Despite the big bang at the end there, good thing no serious harm was done on everyone. I'm going to assume what happens next is getting Jasper not be a Shadow Pokemon anymore. Should be fun. |
Part 12: Epiphany
Sinnoh: Ever Grande City (It’s me, Mobius.) (And Makan.) (Sure, sure, whatever. But it’s about me.) (Eh, and Makan.) (Sigh…) Calling. Xian picked up. “Yeah?” “Hey, Xian? Is Erin okay?” Charlie asked. Xian sounded real relaxed. “Yeah, she’s fine.” “Really? That’s great! Now listen up, this is important. You’re still in Kalos, right?” “No, i’m in the distortion world, negotiating random crap with Giratina. Yes i’m in Kalos.” Charlie ignored the sarcasm. “There should be a forest west of Lumiose, I was told that there’s a shadow pokemon operation happening in there, so you should shut it down!” Makan said so, and Charlie suddenly trusts everything that these guys say! “Uhh, don’t we need clearance for that?” “I don’t care about clearance, you have to look into it!” “Waitwait who told you about the shadow pokemon?” There was a little bit of a delay, this would sound pretty stupid. “An Anorith.” “What!?” Xian said, as if that was a major breakthrough. “Uhh… is there something wrong with that?” Charlie asked, with the thought of there being an organization full of Anorith… that was just silly. Xian lowered his voice a bit. “An Anorith earlier, told me about some Person Of Interest for some random reason.” “It’s a teleporting Anorith.” Charlie said, feeling even more stupid than before. “Anorith can’t teleport or use any psychic powers.” “Heyhey!” Mobius, who was nearby said. “Hurry up, we’re on a tight schedule.” Charlie frowned. “Hold on, i’m gonna finish this call with…” the phone’s screen was black, out of batteries. “...nevermind.” “My schedule’s never tight.” Makan said casually. You don’t even have a schedule. Mobius sighed angrily. “Just hurry up so we can get this over with.” Sneasel was still tied to an antenna. “Alright, why’d you attack me?” Charlie said angrily. The kid whimpered. “Th-they told me to. They said they w-would kill me if I didn’t do what they said!” Charlie lowered her head a bit. “Hmm… who’s they?” “I… I don’t know! They’re just really mean!” the kid said. “Eh, I guess you’re not lying. If you were then i’d have to bite you.” Makan said. Mobius rolled his eyes. I would like to go back to sleep sometime soon. Charlie calmed her voice. “Okay, okay then. What’s your name, by the way?” “Sierra… ouch!” Makan had bitten her free arm and was still clinging on. “Owowowow aggggh get off get off!” She started shaking her arm with tears in her eyes, trying to throw Makan off. “Makan, what the hell are you doing!?” Mobius said. Now you’ve probably infected her with Toxic Poison and she’s gonna die! Eventually, Sierra threw Makan off the roof. Who then teleported back onto the roof. “Apologies. I thought she lied for a second.” “Owwwwww…” Sierra was nursing her arm injury, which was also slightly bleeding. “Why does it hurt so much!?” “I’m Level 100.” “Makan!” Charlie said. “Do you always bite people you think are lying!?” Makan shrugged. “Not really. Only about half the time.” Mobius facepalmed. “This is absolutely ridiculous.” “They’re… agh…!” Sierra started panicking and agonizing over her injury at the same time. “They? What about they?” Mobius demanded. Sierra looked up at a nearby shack on the roof(which had stairs to the lower floors). “They’ve found me! They’re here for me!” Charlie looked at the stair shack. “I don’t see or hear anything.” “Ghosts ghosts they got fifty ghosts!” Sierra was now trying to pry the antenna off so she could find a better corner to cower in. Mobius stepped up to the stair shack and opened the door. ...nothing was there. Hahah, very funny. The swellow kicked with his right talon anyway, colliding with an invisible enemy. A sableye appeared as Mobius kicked it, and despite being a ghost it fell down the stairs. “Good show.” Makan said. “There’s still forty ghosts coming please don’t let them get me!” Sierra began saying jibber-jabber while panicking, annoying everyone. I have a feeling that you’re exaggerating on the number here. Charlie was a little more alert. “Hey Mobius, there’s at least fifteen of them coming up the building.” “How do you know that?” Mobius asked. “As ghosts can detect fear, they can also detect life and unlife signs… I think.” Makan scurried towards the door, detecting whatever he felt like and shot a powerful solarbeam down the stairs, hitting three invisible sableye that were coming up. “How do you know Solarbeam?” Charlie asked. Makan acted like that was normal. “Well it takes a lot of effort-” He took the time to shoot down the stairs again with a hyper beam. “-but it involves something either called determination, hacking, or bootleg.” Where do you even get these things? “I-I didn’t get the last two.” Charlie said. “Because it’s better off if you didn’t.” Makan responded. Sierra started randomly clawing at the air in front of her. “Nooooo! Stay away from me!” Charlie shot some razor leaves at the invisible sableye near Sierra, knocking it down. “How’d they get past us?” Mobius nonchalantly raked another sableye in front of him. “I don’t know. Maybe they’re ghosts that went through the roof!?” Twelve sableye materialized on the roof. That’s not my fault. “Wah!” Sierra started yanking at the antenna some more until Charlie took her handcuffs off. She started running around, trying to avoid everything. Makan started to rapidly shoot moonblasts at the sableye, one-shotting all of them. Mobius used brave bird some more because it was a cool move. Charlie really didn’t do anything useful. She shot the sableye with some razor leaves but they weren’t very good. “You jinxed it.” Makan said. “I jinxed it!?” Mobius said with annoyance. “Why don’t you teleport us out of here if you care!?” “That’s a good idea.” Makan said. He used his psychic powers to teleport everyone… to an adjacent roof. Charlie seemed shocked despite the fact that she already knew that Makan had Solarbeam and Hyperbeam. “Wow!” The sableye came back. In about a minute. By going through the roof. I jinxed it, huh!? “I’m sure you know that I meant for you to teleport us farther.” Mobius said, a little frustrated. “Eh, we can take ‘em.” Makan said, charging his ultra power. “BLAAAAAAHHH-” He fired an intense beam of power at the sableyes! Correct me if i'm wrong, but I think you’re using Hyper Beam here. Sierra, panicked, ran up to a random sableye, and punched it. It’s face got frozen in a block of ice. “Waaaaaaah!!!” Charlie just shot several barrages of leaves at random until they stopped attacking, or until she got tired. She breathed heavily, despite being a ghost. Mobius flew up a few feet, and grabbed one of the sableye by their head, and then started to whack the others with it. That hyper beam is really loud. I’d appreciate it if you’d stop it. Makan ran out of PP for his Hyper Beam. “It worked. I took them all out. MVP Anorith.” ----- They weren’t being pursued by sableye anymore. They tossed all them off the roof because everyone knows that ghosts can’t take fall damage. (Ahem ahem ghost that fell down the stairsss?) Sierra, despite being given the chance to leave, stayed with the group. Still paranoid about more ghosts coming. Mobius spoke quietly with Makan again, while Charlie tried to calm Sierra. “Yunno, if you’ve got all these powers and you’re level 100, why don’t you just stop the shadow pokemon yourself?” Makan had possession of more cotton candy, as if he was able to duplicate Jasper’s supply of it. “Well, it’s complicated… actually, it’s not.” Makan nibbled on some more cotton candy. “It’s not exactly my fight. I don’t belong as a hero, but a manipulator.” “I knew you spoke some English, and what is that supposed to mean?” Mobius asked. Makan sighed. “Do you know why I can’t evolve?” You told me it was Arceus’ doing, but I don’t believe it for a second. Mobius shrugged. “Because you’re level 100 and are incapable of gaining any more experience?” “That may be half of it, but no. It was Arceus. He fused an Everstone into my carapace, so I am permanently unable to evolve. But that’s fine. I’m not a fan of standing on two legs.” “Okay, let’s just say for a minute that Arceus actually did prevent you from evolving,” Mobius said, looking like a complete jerk while saying so. “How is that relevant?” Makan looked at Mobius a little angrily, because it WAS true. “He’s prevented me from interfering too much with the affairs of the people. I’m too smart, I could probably change the future if I wanted.” “What about Rayquaza? We pretty much stopped the world from drowning when we awoke him.” “Well… that was different. He can’t sleep when Kyogre and Groudon make a fuss.” Mobius got a little frustrated. “But you’re not a legendary.” “I am very legendary like.” Makan said, more frustrated than Mobius. “I know 19 moves and can annihilate whatever I want. Do you know anyone else that can do that!?” Maybe Arceus? But there’s only 18 types, so no. “...nope.” “Alright then.” Makan said, relaxing. “Now that we’re over this, are you ready to teleport to Kalos? I’d really like to rid us of this useless minor character that keeps screaming.” What is up with you, still? You can’t speak English, ever? Mobius threw off the notion of trying to translate what Makan’s gibberish. “What’s that? You’re speaking in tongues again.” Makan spoke in a smug tone. “It’s not tongues, it’s what we call breaking the fourth-” “Nah, nah. That’s too cryptic for me to understand.” Whenever you talk like that, it hurts my brain. “Fine. Alright people!” Makan interrupted the slightly awkward, but boring conversation between Charlie and Sierra. “I’m teleporting everyone to Kalos because I can! Any objections!?” Sierra raised her hand. “But Sinnoh is my home…!” Makan thought she would say that. “No problem, when this is all over i’ll just teleport you back to Sinnoh.” “Okay…” “Now then, ladies... Prepare yourselves!” Makan radiated with energy, and a bright blue light enveloped everyone on the roof. And with a quick flash of light, they all were gone. |
Hoenn Recording 4
Anorith: They call me… Makan the Anorith. Aggron: Whoa, Makan! How did you get in here? Anorith: I am Level 100 and am the most powerful Anorith in the world. I have psychic powers. Eh. Gardevoir: Hey, Makan is that you? Anorith: Yes, Frost. Gardevoir: Okay, where have you been for the last month? Anorith: Kalos. Aggron: Woah what’s Kalos? Gardevoir: Shut up Charles, anyway Makan what have Grey and Jade been doing? Anorith: Jade owns a Casino in Kalos. Grey is also part of the casino, and has a new nickname. He calls himself Mobius. Gardevoir: What about *static*? Anorith: I know nothing about him. |
So we're going back to a bit more lighthearted. Makan is MVP for sure with all those Hyper and Solar Beams, among other things..
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Act III
Part 13: Blank Void Jade took a few deep breaths, landing on the porch after another flight. “You’re both a little heavy.” “No we’re not.” Whisper hopped off of Jade’s back. Jade was tired from carrying Jasper’s body, but walked into the treehouse normally. “Good day, ladies!” There was a Victini leaning against one of the walls of the treehouse. Mobius and Makan were in the house. And some Gourgeist. Whisper rolled her eyes, because hardly anything surprised her anymore. “Who’re you? Wait, don’t tell me. I recognize you from somewhere.” You’re Victoria, and you decided to also be called Vic and Vicky because you think that makes you special. “You’re Victoria,” which Victoria actually said. “-and you decided to also be called Vic and Vicky because you think that makes you special. Is that what you were gonna say?” “That was a little rude, but eh.” Makan said. Jade walked over to the couch and dropped Jasper on it. “Alright, Mobius. What’s going on?” Mobius adjusted his fedora. “This’ll take awhile to explain, but you’ll just tell me you can wait.” Mobius explained and the rest of the group chatted later. They had their affairs set. Introductions ran about the place, with the occasional argument. Victoria had apparently located Makan and was able to group up all of the pokemon of the manipulated story, they talked about the why, how, and where. Whisper didn’t have any interest in talking. Same as ever. Charlie walked away, out of the treehouse out of boredom. “Xian? Erin? That you?” She jumped off the porch of the treehouse, because she didn’t have any hands. “Hey, Charlie. Where’s Raymond?” Xian asked. “Oh no...” Charlie got nervous. “He was captured by a shadow pokemon!” Erin didn’t move, because she was tired from the events that transpired. “What? Who captured Raymond?” Charlie took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. “It was a Houndoom, and the police station was-” “A houndoom!?” Xian interrupted. “We found a houndoom at that shadow lab you told us about, but… no Raymond.” “...oh. Well, you got any suspects?” Charlie asked. Xian thought for a moment. “Well, unfortunately they’ve all been... beaten to death. Wait a second! There was one guy I found there, but I forgot about him when we left, damnit.” “Wellll… we were being attacked by that one crazy cat.” Erin commented. “Who?” Erin yawned. “He’s that Meowstic that’s sleeping.” “So I guess we’ll have to interrogate him, then?” Charlie said. “Nah.” Xian said, bored. “He’s just an innocent. And i’m afraid he still wouldn’t answer, because he’s still a shadow pokemon, and we have no available way to cure it as of right now.” ---------- “Hey.” Whisper said. “We’ve all had a long day, so i’d appreciate it if you’d all get lost so everyone can sleep.” She hadn’t been paying attention to any of the noise, but it was annoying her. “What about Jasper?” Mobius asked. Whisper crossed her arms. “I can deal with this myself.” Mobius yawned. “Okay.” He walked out of the treehouse and took off in flight, with Jade following him. Victoria pointed at Makan and looked at him intimidatingly. “You’re lucky that your name calling antics are approved of this time!” She disappeared in a burst of harmless flame. Makan walked forward and looked at Whisper. “Whisper. Jasper is either going to have some very strange dreams, or some nightmares.” “That’s not helping.” Whisper said. Makan also teleported away. Whisper sat in a different chair, sighing. What am I supposed to do now? My little brother, lost both his hat and his mind! What what what am I supposed to do? She just decided to… just close her eyes for a second. Getting a little sleepy. ......... Sis! It’s cold here, my tail is freezing up! Oh, you’ll live. ...Huh, who said that? Where am I? I feel like i’m floating in space! Sis, where are you? Help me! Help me! Can’t think straight… sleepy… 9 Years Ago… “What’s this dot mean?” Jasper said. He was a short Espurr, in some classroom looking over some papers. An Axew looked at the papers in front of Jasper. “I think that’s the multiplication sign.” “Multififation?” The Axew laughed. “No, silly.” He’d say. “Mul-tee-plee-cay-shun. It’s where you get one number, and make a bunch of it!” Pffft, that’s lame. “I can just add stuff a lot, too!” Jasper said. The bell started ringing. “Last one out is a rotten egg, Nick!” He darted out the door, leaving the papers on the table, because none of his was his homework. “H-hey! Wait!” Nick the Axew ran out, along with a bunch of other kids. Jasper ran past a bunch of kids, teachers, and administrators, one of which tried telling him to stop running in the hallways. He ran out the doors to the yard of the school. “Ha! I win!” “Haaa… phew.” Nick walked behind Jasper a few seconds later, gasping for breath. He took a few more seconds to rest. “That’s not… fair. I didn’t know when the bell was gonna ring!” Jasper patted Nick on the back. “That must mean i’m really smart!” “Cheater! You used your magical powers to teleport to the finish!” Nick said. Jasper moved back a few steps. “My magical powers aren’t good enough, watch!” He took a deep breath, and prepared to use his psychic powers… “Hey, don’t do that!” Jasper looked up at a Gardevoir across the street. Though he could’ve sworn she sounded like a guy. “If you try that you’re gonna break something, probably yourself!” Wow, it’s a guy in a dress! It wasn’t really arranged like a dress, but more like a trench coat. Nick looked at the Gardevoir too. “Hey, are you wearing a dress?” “Alright then, i’m leaving. Don’t blame me if you blow up your house!” The Gardevoir walked away. “What’s his problem?” Nick said. Jasper snickered a bit to himself. “Maybe he wants to be a girl!” A bus finally drove next to the two kids. They boarded the bus and took seats. “I wish my sister was still in this school. I’m lonely now.” Jasper said. Why do you keep talking about weird things, too? Whisper had ascended to the top of her classes, and was easily able to skip two grades. She was just that smart. “Don’t worry, i’m here for you!” Nick said. Jasper laughed. “Haha, thanks Nick!” They chatted each other up the entire bus ride, until they reached Lumiose City. Nick didn’t live in Lumiose, unfortunately. So Jasper slowly left the bus as a slightly claustrophobic Mareep walked out the bus. Slowly. “Bye, Nick! See you tomorrow!” Jasper walked to the apartment where his family lived. He waved at the Talonflame at the front desk and then walked up the stairs up to the third floor, because the elevators were out of order. He walked up to Room 316 and knocked on it, because he didn’t have a room key. “Mommm! Daddd! I’m hommme!” A male Meowstic wearing a tie, opened the door. “Hey Jasper, how was school today?” “I learned a new word, it’s… Mulfitivaporat-shunnnn.” Jasper tried saying as professionally as possible. Dad made some muffled laughter. “You mean- heheh, you mean multiplication, right?” “Y-yeah, that’s what I meant, yeah, Dad!” Jasper took an Oran berry from a fruit basket and started eating it. “Hey, where’s Mom?” “She’s working a little late again. It’s fine. In the meantime, how about we get started on your homework?” The new teacher didn’t give us homework, they must be really new! Jasper didn’t realize that there was no homework today. “Oh no! I didn’t get any homework because the new teacher forgot!” Dad was pretty sure that Jasper didn’t have any homework. “Eh, I don’t know about that, here, i’ll just pull up the website and see if you do actually have homework.” Someone knocked on the door. “Dad, it’s me!” “Can you go open the door for your sister? I’m still looking for your homework.” Dad asked. Jasper pulled the handle and tried opening the door. It didn’t work. “Hey Dad, why can’t I open the door?” “You’re supposed to pull it, son.” “I knew that!” Jasper pulled the door open, with a little strain. His sister, also a Meowstic walked into the apartment room. She was a little taller than Jasper, but shorter than her Dad. She seemed excited for something. She dropped a handbag on the table. “Dad! Dad! Derek asked me to the dance!” Why can’t I go to the dance? Dad closed the laptop he was using and looked at Whisper. “Oh, that’s great, Whisper! You're going to have an exciting night, aren't you?” “Who's Derek?” Jasper asked. “He's such a dashing young man, he must think I'm cute!” Whisper said. Dad looked at Jasper. “By the way Jasper, you don't have any homework. And you had a substitute teacher.” Hooray! No homework today! Jasper's vision seemed to start going blurry. “Woah… why can't I see? Dad? Sis? Anyone?” Nobody seemed to answer. Jasper was back in a dark place, floating in the void. Alone. (One month later, Whisper stopped talking about this Derek character. She even talked less. The dark side of me she is today.) |
Some backstory with Jasper and Whisper there is cute, am curious how important this flashback is. I'm assuming the the flashback is in Jasper's POV as the majority of his thoughts are there. There's one part where Jasper asks to himself why he can't go to the dance. I think you could have written a sentence or two on his reaction towards that. Did he whine and/or pout, for instance
The end lines though, "The dark side of me she is today" I'm totally confused. Is that like supposed to be Jasper saying he's the reason Whisper is who she is today? If so, I'm assuming we'll get more flashbacks concerning that. |
Part 14: Game of Treason
Whisper opened her eyes again, Jasper was still out cold. Damnit… this is nerve wracking. She got up off the chair she was sitting on, and started searching through their possessions from a drawer. Eventually, she found something. Not quite what she was looking for, but she wasn’t looking for anything in particular. It was a sketchbook, which belonged to Jasper. She looked at the first drawing. A decent attempt at a family picture. Whisper smiled faintly. An Axew dressed as a pirate. Must’ve been some halloween party. A spider. From a bird's eye view? Not even a Spinarak. She kept flipping through the pages, looking for something... ---------- Jasper still seemed to be floating in some sort of space. Still unconcious. But conscious at the same time? Ugh. What am I thinking? Random nonsense? “Bacon pizza!” What? Bacon isn’t healthy. “Arr! I’m a pirate!” Pirates? I wish I was a pirate. “Damnit, Schenze. Before this is all over, I WILL find you.” Who’s Schenze? “The shadow creeping up on you.” What!? Who’s talking to me? And with that, Jasper had another strange dream. -----Schenze----- (Note: Schenze is pronounced Shawn-zei.) 4 Years Ago... A dimly lit room. One poisonous dragon awaited under a useless lamp, waiting. A pancham walked out of the shadows, to the dragalge. “What is it this time, boss?” “There’s a new job today.” The boss’ voice sounded dry, like he ate cereal made of gravel, and then washed it down with sand. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you did eat such things. “...alright.” The pancham said, expecting the boss to just continue after his last sentence. The dragalge waited a couple of seconds after the pancham spoke to respond, for some reason. “This client isn’t providing anything other than a name, picture, and address. They want the target alive, got it?” The boss tossed the pancham a file. The pancham took a quick glance at the file and then put it away. “I got everything, and so should you.” “Okay, Schenze. Go then.” With that, the pancham, or Schenze left. Looking for one flower girl, okay then. Through a hidden passage, Schenze was not in a hideout anymore, but an abandoned gas station. He climbed over one of the broken window frames, avoiding a few shards of glass. He took a minute to light a cigarette. And then looked at the city near him. Lumiose was about half a mile away from the gas station. After waiting enough minutes, Schenze tossed the cigarette on the floor and stepped on it. He then casually strolled behind the gas station to find his motorcycle. Might be a little dusty. I gotta get out more often. Schenze found his motorcycle, inserted the ignition keys, and set off. The world seemed to come to a blur as he drove, muffling the revving of the motorcycle’s engine. Until a Masquerain flew into Schenze’s face. Gah- that wasn’t very pleasant you damn pest! He swatted it away and continued. ---------- Jasper seemed to find himself back in the space. Why am I having these strange dreams? I… I just want to go home! He felt the emptiness of doubt clawing away at him. “Don’t give up Jasper, you can’t!” A child’s voice said. Jasper spoke, still feeling quite doubtful. “I feel like giving up though. I can’t do anything, i’m useless!” A shaymin seemed to appear out of nowhere in front of Jasper. “Jasper, you can’t give up! You have friends waiting for you!” she said. “Who are you?” Jasper said, now feeling some fear. “I’m Skyla, the embodiment of compassion!” The shaymin said. Jasper shook his head. “I… don’t feel any good. I might’ve hurt someone.” Skyla smiled. “You can’t give up. Please, Jasper!” “I… can’t…” Jasper started to feel dizzy. The dream randomly resumed. ---------- Schenze was in one of several apartments in Lumiose. He had taken the elevator up to the 2nd floor, and was holding some sort of electronic device in his hand. He found the room he was looking for. Number 237. Knock, knock. Schenze pressed his ear against the door. He heard some really faint steps walking towards the door to open it. 3… 2… Schenze flicked a switch on the device. As the door opened, all the lights went off via a jammer. Schenze then punched the person who opened a door: A roserade. But it missed, in a split second her eyes widened and then she jumped backwards. That’s not gonna cut it, huh? Schenze quickly advanced, doing a swing with a forward jump. The roserade ran away into another room; with Schenze closely trailing her to see if she made any really hostile movements. In fact she did, the roserade now was holding some sort of survival knife, but with a longer edge. “Stay back! You come any closer and I’ll cut you!” Schenze shook his head defiantly. “Heh, sorry. But I don’t take orders from a little girl that doesn’t know how to use a knife, Erin.” He waited, anticipating an attack. Erin lunged with the knife, but Schenze dodged and grabbed her arm. Then, he easily lifted Erin into the air, and slammed her onto the ground. “If you want to make this easier for yourself then you should just give up on trying to fight me.” “No, you insane criminal!” Erin managed do a handstand and flip herself upright. And started running away again. Damnit, they didn’t tell me she was fast. Grrr… I should’ve known that. Schenze ran after Erin, as she hopped through the window and started climbing up the balcony stairs. Surprisingly, the roserade he was chasing wasn’t able to outspeed him. Erin leaped up to the edge of the roof, and clambered up onto it. Schenze was barely able to climb up to the roof, and wasn’t attacked during his ascent for some reason. “What do you want from me!?” “I don’t need anything from you. But I get paid by a client if I capture you.” Schenze lit a cigarette nonchalantly. This is annoying… what am I thinking? Erin pulled out a phone and looked at it. “Wh… why isn’t my phone working?” “It’s an electronic jamming device. You should’ve figured that out when all the lights in the building powered off.” Schenze stepped forward. Erin walked near a stair shed, her fear being obvious. Then, as a final resort, she jumped into the air, and kicked the stair shed, launching her forward in a vicious lunge attack. Too bad, though. Schenze shoved the blade out of the way, which cut his hand and made a grazing wound under his eye. With his other hand, he swung his fist at Erin’s face. In two seconds, Erin was lying unconscious on the ground, with the knife out of her hand, Schenze felt a little tired, but fine. You got me a little… Man, I thought you had me for a moment. Schenze straightened himself, ignoring the fact that both his hand and face were bleeding. That took a little too long. This’ll get a little more complicated. -----Erin----- A dragalge floated over to his office, noticing a note on his desk. He picked it up and read it. Boss, I’ve captured the target as requested. However, I believe that this may be a slight mistake. As that doesn’t matter to you, then that’s fine. When you’re ready, send me a ‘check’. You got any other jobs, then you ask someone else for now. I’ve gotten a cut on my hand. ~Schenze ……… The roserade woke up, in some sort of cell. She was sprawled across the floor, from some random thug tossing her in, probably. Oh no, where am I? I… i’ve been kidnapped, haven't I? Why am I here!? I haven’t done anything! There was a pancham outside of the cell, sitting on a chair and sleeping. Is… he holding the keyring in his left hand? In front of the cell? Erin stood up a little, and snuck forward. Focused on the keys, in a myriad of colors like pink… and blue… Those are plastic keys? “Hey, you!” “Yeah?” The Pancham instantly responded. Erin grabbed the bars and moved a little closer to the guard. “Why am I here?” Schenze shrugged. “I don’t know.” Then he tossed the plastic keys at a nearby key rack, which missed. “I almost had it. “If you don’t know then why did you kidnap me!?” Erin said angrily. Schenze looked at Erin. “Orders of the boss. We get quote; customers and that’s pretty much how I make my living.” He scratched his chin. He had a cloth crap around his right hand, but the wound under his eye wasn’t bandaged. Just covered by some fur. “Though honestly, I don’t think you’re the target that our client is looking for.” “I’m not!” “If you’re not then…” Schenze took a second to yawn. “...my boss is just gonna tell me to kill you.” Erin gasped. “Wh…” “Shh shh…” Schenze lowered his voice to a whisper. “Listen, if you actually aren’t the right person, then i’ll let you leave.” I’m gonna die here, aren’t I? Erin kept silent, in frustration. “Your silence is fine.” Schenze said. He stood up and walked out of the room. Erin hopped on the nearby bed, which was scarcely better than the floor, and slowly closed her eyes. (The next week of my life was a blur. Waiting. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t talk to anyone I cared about and I just slept in the cell for days. I just had a simple ‘meal’ of just bread and water. Of course, I just threw all the bread out of the cell and survived via chlorophyll from the one patch of light in the cell... Useless. This is hell, somebody… help me. The guard acted like a nice guy, passing me a few bits occasionally, but I… am literally... dying here.) 1 week later… “You needed to see me, boss?” Schenze said. The dragalge was reading over some papers. “Yes. I just got a fax from our client from a week ago.” Schenze sighed. “Yeah, and?” The client only gave out half the payment, as he needed to… verify something. “His source was incorrect. He had us capture the wrong person.” “Oh really…” The dragalge tossed the papers on the table. “That’s right. Now go take care of the prisoner, quickly. The client has the real target and he’s willing to pay the full amount this time.” “No problem, Shade.” Schenze said in a slightly hostile tone. He walked out of the room. “...hmph.” ……… Erin heard steps again. What is it this time…? Someone whistled, then whispered. “Psst, hey. Wake up.” “Mmmmh… is it day… or midnight?” “It’s 6 AM. Now hurry up, my boss just ordered me to kill you.” Schenze was fumbling for some keys. Erin opened her eyes a little, but didn’t actually move. “Yunno, at first I thought you were lying about not killing me.” Schenze opened the door, which got Erin’s attention. “That’s not funny, now follow me.” Erin got off her bed, a little tired, and followed Schenze a little slowly. He opened the door of another cell, and pried a tile off the ground, revealing some sort of trapdoor. “Come on, this way.” “Hey… I never got your name.” Erin said. “It’s Schenze, now hurry!” Erin went through the trapdoor, followed by Schenze. It was dark, but Schenze seemed to know his way around. He kept pushing Erin forward. “Come on, faster. There’s no rocks to trip over.” They ran forward, reaching a dead end eventually, but finding a ladder. They climbed up, with Schenze shoving on a trapdoor on the top. “Er- it’s stuck.” Erin didn’t say anything. Please, just open it faster! Just let me leave! “Damnit, I think we blocked it with rock last month.” Schenze said. Erin tapped Schenze. “Hey… do you have my knife?” “Yeah, here you go.” “Where is it?” It’s too dark. “Here, right-” There was the sound of something landing on the wet floor. “What was that? Did someone find us?” “Ow… that hurt.” “What happened? Are you okay?” Erin climbed down the ladder, stepping on Schenze’s foot for a second. Whoop, sorry. Schenze groaned in pain. “I fell off the ladder, just- find the knife. It’s somewhere on the ground.” Erin found and picked up the knife, after stepping Schenze several times. “I got it.” Schenze stood up and dusted himself off a little. “Alright, find the hinges of the trapdoor and cut them off.” That is probably a really bad idea. “Won’t the rock above it fall on us, though?” Erin said, climbing the ladder anyway. “There’s no choice and we’ve got no time to think about it, do it!” Schenze yelled. Erin located the hinges, and started cutting them with her knife. After she cut one of them off, the trapdoor buckled and started to creak dangerously. I… “Get back!” Erin hopped off the ladder, and a boulder fell through the trapdoor, ignoring whether a door pushes or pulls, falling to the ground. Erin fell several feet and hit her head on the ground. Th… that hurts! Ow... help me, help me! “You okay?” Not okay not okay not okay. “No, my head…” Erin had lost all will to stand up. Schenze growled. “Damnit…” He grabbed Erin and started to carry her up the ladder. They were soon outside, near what looked to be some sort of abandoned gas station. Silently, Schenze found his motorbike and drove off, with Erin in tow. This… is all a dream, isn’t it? “Hey… why did you help me, anyway?” Erin asked. Schenze shrugged. “...you’re too pretty to die.” Erin made a slight chuckle. “Very funny.” (Now that i’ve betrayed my boss, something bad could happen to me. Shade could find me and kill me, or the police will find me and indirectly kill me.) (However it was all fine. I left Erin at the hospital, and she dealt with her business herself. I changed my identity to conceal myself, changing my name to… Xian.) (Erin left Kalos some time later to return to her home in Sinnoh, but we met each other again by an extreme chance… as police officers.) |
This is a nice little flashback how Xian and Erin met. Am interested over how Erin decides to join the police force in Kalos (I think it's briefly mentioned before, but I can't remember). I'm assuming Jasper is able to "dream" other Pokemon's pasts besides his and his sister's? Guess it's not too far fetched due to him being psychic. I'm a bit confused though with Shaymin's appearance and if they'll have a role in the story later on.
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Alright, now that I feel like it, several errors in previous parts of the story are gonna get fixed.
Though it's kind of unlikely that people are going to go back and read them again. Starting with the Barry and Dawn fight which will get replaced with an entirely different segment which will be better at filling in empty spaces. |
Part 15: A Revenge Plot to Remember
Whisper found the picture she was looking for in the sketchbook. It was an intricately drawn spider, that was on fire. What an interesting picture. It seems so familiar, too. She had drawn it a few times in the past, but for reasons unknown. Taken art classes, and Jasper did too, both with flying colors. Still, after many years of not drawing anything ever, the emblem looked easy to draw. Somehow, I remember this being really hard to draw in the past. Whisper left the book on the table, then she took a black marker. ...and started to draw something on Jasper's hand. ---------- Jasper cried a lot, his tears dissipating as they fell off his face. “I’m useless! Everyone knows that i’m just a useless cat!” “No, you can’t be!” Skyla said. “You’re useless! You’re useless! You’re useless!” Several voices chanted. Jasper got angry now. “Don’t say that! I’m not useless you mean jerks!” Somehow, the area started flooding. Skyla started flailing around, panicking. “I can’t swim! Help!” “Nooo!” Jasper waddled towards Skyla and picked her up, placing her on his head. “Are you okay?” Skyla shook all the water off of her. “Yes.” The water in the room kept rising, up to Jasper’s neck. “I got an idea!” Jasper concentrated slightly, and soon a bubble appeared around his head. Skyla laughed. “Yes! Great job, Jasper! You aren’t so useless after all!” “Wait what?” Within a second, all the water in the room drained out. “Aww… i’m all wet, I hate swimming.” The voices in the background stopped. The space was quiet again. Skyla jumped off of Jasper’s head, popping the bubble. “Jasper, you’re dreaming. Wake up.” “What’s a dream?” Jasper started feeling dizzy again. His vision started to get blurry. -? Years Ago, Emerald- -Hoenn Victory Road- One gardevoir with a satchel and a minun were walking through the dark caves of the victory road. “I can’t figure out where we’re going. Phineas, do you know?” “Nope.” Phineas said. “This place is a maze, what are we supposed to do, Aliyah?” Aliyah thought for a moment. “Hm. Okay Phineas, you go back to the PokeCenter. I’ll figure this last bit out.” “What?” Phineas said, a little shocked. “What if a dark pokemon attacks you while you’re alone?” Aliyah shrugged. “Well… I got Ice Beam.” Phineas didn’t think that was enough. “What if it’s a Sharpedo?” You worry too much. “Then I got Thunderbolt, look Phineas, i’ll be fine. I’ll just find the PokeCenter at the end of this place and you can get Liam to fly the rest of us over here.” Phineas nodded. “Okay, you be careful!” He threw a rope he had at the black ceiling, which pulled him up and out of the cave somehow. Alright, I just have to find the exit and i’ll be fine. That was fast, Aliyah found a light within the place and followed it, into a room with light falling from the ceiling of the cave. She must be close to the exit. But there was one last obstacle in the way. Aliyah gasped when she saw who it was. “Frost!?” She recognized him by his dress configured to look like a coat. There was another gardevoir in the middle of the room, examining a wilted rose embedded in a rock. He threw the rock down, and spoke without turning around. “I knew you’d be here.” “How did you get here before me?” Aliyah asked. “It’s simple, really.” Frost turned around. He looked vicious, with a dark red neckerchief. He even had a strange stripe of blue across his head, some sort of shiny spot that Aliyah never understood. But most intimidating of all, unlike Aliyah’s eyes, which were blue, Frost had dull grey eyes, showing emptiness. “I just ignored the trivialities as much as I could.” Is that… what… you’ve been... Aliyah felt a little sad at what she just heard. “So… you didn’t enjoy yourself? You just wanted to fight me this whole time?” “That’s right.” “Why?” “Why!? Because you’ve tormented me as a child!” The fierce bark intimidated Aliyah, and she stepped back a little. “It was terrible! From that i’ve hated you my entire life.” He sighed, but kept his angered expression. “You think… that i’ll just let that go, Aliyah?” Yes, I was mean, but… i’m different now. Aliyah looked down a little, being reminded of that. She kept her voice down. “That was long ago, Frost. We… we were just kids.” Frost scoffed. “Tch, Even though that is true, i’m still not letting you through today. So come at me, and let’s see what you’re made of.” “Does this have to happen? Do we have to fight!?” Aliyah said, a little angry with Frost. Why do you have to be this way? Frost shrugged uncaringly. “No, we don’t have to fight. But if you want to try reaching the Elite Four, then you’ll have to go through me.” Fine, then. Aliyah reluctantly mumbled a few words, then, after a delay, fired a fast arc of electricity at Frost. It hit him square in the chest, knocking him down. That was too easy. “Close, but no cigar.” A voice came from behind. Before Aliyah could turn, Frost kicked her in the back, knocking her down. Aliyah stood up and dusted herself off. “That was a dirty trick!” Frost still didn’t care. “You should’ve known that i’d be playing in such a way when I used double team.” And with that, Frost projected clones of himself all around the cave. “Heheh, I can’t even tell which one of them is you.” I’ve gotten used to this sort of tomfoolery. Aliyah fired an ice beam at one of the clones, which didn’t do any damage, and then willed the beam to shatter. It exploded, scattering icicles everywhere in the room, ricocheting off the walls, scratching everyone slightly. She turned to look at the last person in the room. “This will be ridiculous.” Aliyah took her satchel off and tossed it on the ground. Frost gave a wicked smile. “But it’s also gonna be quite fun.” He fired a Shadow Ball at Aliyah, who barely dodged it. He followed up with another one, which Aliyah didn’t anticipate. “Agh! What is with you now, you sick psychopath?” Aliyah said angrily. She fired an arc of ‘thunder’ at Frost, who was somehow able to sidestep it. Frost chuckled. “You better watch those thunderbolts, it’s gonna be worse for you if one of those hits me.” Worse for me? If he gets paralyzed… then he he’ll… synchronize it. But… I can trace it too! Aliyah straightened herself. “I think I got it now.” “Oh really?” No, that won't work. “Like- this!” Aliyah tried a thunderbolt again, but then she stopped it from moving, then attempted attempted to shatter the bolt. “Ow!” She breathed heavily, as one of the sparks zapped her. The bolt eventually exploded, scattering light sparks everywhere. Frost was a little confused, until he was jolted himself. He was lowered to one knee, but unharmed. “Nice, you hurt yourself so you could paralyze me. But you’re paralyzed too and you’re on the verge of losing.” “No… I’m not.” Aliyah used a Full Restore on herself. I think… I might have this. Frost stood up, sparks still surrounding him. “I’ll deal with you just fine. Next time try using something safer like Thunder Wave.” He fired a shadow ball. It grazed Aliyah as she was dodging. “Don't just dodge all day, fight me!” “Don't think I'm falling for that.” Aliyah tried firing another thunderbolt at Frost, he took it, but he didn’t seem to feel it. “What? Nothing happened!” Frost yawned. “Something did happen. But I feel fine.” He tried standing up, but a jolt dropped him to his knee. “...mostly fine.” How are you so powerful!? What am I supposed to do? “Frost, you’re paralyzed, you can barely move, can you please just give up?” Aliyah asked. Frost silently glared at Aliyah angrily. She reluctantly fired an ice beam at Frost. It failed, though. Frost quickly held up his hand to stop the ice beam in front of his face. Then he willed the ice beam to shatter, firing out icicles all around the room. Aliyah braced herself, receiving a few scratches. “Wh… what?” Frost stood up slowly, seeming to shrug the paralysis off. “Not quite.” He teleported out of view. Instinctively, Aliyah turned around. But there was nobody behind her. But there was somebody behind her right now. When she turned her face back, Frost was right in front of her. “Woah!” She stepped back, almost tripping. He looked real angry. “No, not this time! I’m never going to lose to you again!” A furious orange color flooded his eyes, and his right hand started to emit a dark glow. What? What is that? What are you doing!? Aliyah was frozen with fear for some reason. Quickly, Frost punched Aliyah in the face, knocking her down. “-Eeah!” It felt more like a slash than a punch. She covered her cheek with her hand, and it felt a little bloody. No… stop… please. Frost eyes widened, and all the color from his eyes were drained. He calmed down. “I…” Aliyah coughed, and continued to breath heavily. “No, Frost. I’m… sorry.” “None of that; any of that, made me feel any better.” Frost said. Hurting anyone isn’t gonna make you feel better. Frost breathed heavily, still covering her cheek. “That’s fine, i’m not in charge of your feelings. Frost stepped forward and held out his hand. “Here.” With a little delay, Aliyah grabbed Frost’s hand and stood up. “Thanks.” “I guess you’re not good enough for the Hoenn League yet, then.” “Maybe not, but there’s nothing wrong with trying.” Aliyah inspected her slightly bloody hand for a moment. Frost turned towards the exit, making a subtle wave. “Alright, whatever makes you feel better.” With that, he left. “Yeah… whatever makes me feel better.” Aliyah mumbled to herself. She stepped forward a few steps, still tired. My face hurts so much… i'm out of full restores. “Ugh…” Aliyah collapsed on the spot. …! …? “Aliyah! Aliyah! Are you okay?” Yeah, I'll live. “Ow… my head…” Aliyah lifted her face off the ground. There was a Luvdisc in front of her. Oh hey, Bella. I didn't think that you'd find me here. “What happened?” Bella asked. Frost shook her head, her vision blurry. “Frost… he was waiting for me.” “Who's Frost?” “He's another Gardevoir. I knew him as a child,” Aliyah felt my cheek, it had some relatively dry blood on it, but it still needed to be fixed. “...I bullied him back then, and now he came back… to get me.” Bella was about to give a bandage when Aliyah said that, then dropped it. “How rude! You can't let him get away with that! Let's go get him!” No no no, that's the last thing you want to do. “No, let it go.” Aliyah said, patching up her wound. “But…!” I was immature. I didn't know how to actually make friends. “It's not his fault.” Aliyah picked up her satchel and equipped it. “It's mine.” |
Some nitpicks under spoilers.
Spoiler:
With that out of the way, Aliyah and Frost's battle sure was intense. Me personally I think it's somewhat petty Frost kept that grudge for so long even if Aliyah's bullying was very bad back then. You don't have to forgive them, just there's a better way to deal with that kind of emotion (this is more me not agreeing with Frost's actions and not how the way your story is going). |
Aliyah you mean? Noticed you used Frost's name again a few paragraphs later.
Dangit. I should've seen that coming. Because... One. I kept getting thrown off because of two of the same pokemon in one room(somehow) and Two, Frost is a girl in my other stories. Anyways, I'm not good at details, unless I want to be. |
Part 16: Cabin Fever
Looking for one Blue. Don’t get in my way. And most importantly, don’t underestimate me. Xian was walking down a hallway. Followed by Erin and Charlie. They had such a dramatic walk, well… except Charlie. She didn’t seem to care that much. Xian walked up to a door and opened it. As he walked into the room, his friends lined up next to him. “Captain.” One Suicune took his paw off his telephone. “Ah, Xian and company. I was just thinking of calling one of you over.” Reed and Felix better be listening to this. “No you weren’t.” Lionel growled a bit. “Alright then, how can I help you ladies and gentlemen?” “I’d like to ask you a few questions.” Xian said smugly. “I got a certain pokemon telling me of a person named Red. Then after that I assume that you have a codename of Blue, seeing as you both are legendary, and should be typing corresponding to your color.” “...and?” Lionel started to look antsy. Erin stepped forward. “Hey hey wait a second, Lionel. Where’s the backup that you keep withholding from us?” Lionel straightened himself. “You can answer that question yourself. They’re all currently busy investigating the shadow pokemon threat.” “Ah ah.” Xian said. “There’s a fatal flaw in your response. If they actually were investigating the shadow pokemon, then you should’ve sent them to back us up against a shadow pokemon, but instead you just barked like a moron.” “Are you accusing me of something, sergeant!?” Lionel said angrily. “That’s exactly what I am doing.” Xian pulled out a file. “When you weren’t looking, I bugged your computer. And I found some extremely incriminating evidence. Therefore… You are the mastermind behind the shadow pokemon attacks.” Lionel gave an evil grin. “Damnit… that’s right, you fools. I did create the shadow pokemon. And you wanna know why? Because we’re all imperfect! We can be better than we are now! Something that none of you will ever understand! And you fools have no authority! Nobody will ever believe you!” Erin and Charlie laughed, and then the gourgeist stepped forward. “We recorded this entire conversation, Lionel! And not only that, but the file isn’t even evidence!” Erin took the file from Xian, and opened it. “It’s just a catalog for flowers!” Lionel roared. “Especially… WHEN YOU’RE DEAD!” Suddenly, a Volcarona(who is called Felix) burst into the room. “Captain Lionel, I just got word 14 seconds ago that you did all this shadow pokemon business! You’re under arrest!” Felix fired a few needles at Lionel, who dodged. “You know what’s also wrong with you!? You’re all weak to Flying. And you’ll all be decimated when you face me!” Lionel teleported away in a burst of icy water. “Damnit.” Felix said. “I am weak to flying. And ground, even though i’m floating. Stupid…” Erin crossed her arms, looking at Felix. “So much for subtle.” “Correct me if i'm wrong, but i’m pretty sure firefighters can’t fight water.” Charlie said. We’ll be back, you can count on that. ---------- Jasper was thinking hard. Dream, dream, dream… what exactly is a dream. This is your dream. You must wake up from it. This… is MY dream. “It’s my dream… I can do anything I want in my dream.” Jasper said. “Hey, Skyla, I-” Nobody was near. He was just in a blank void. I want answers. Jasper closed his eyes tightly, and when he opened them, a Fraxure was standing in front of him. “N… Nick?” “Yeah, it’s me! Except I can fly!” Nick started to float around the place. “Nick, are you able to answer my questions?” “I don’t make the rules here, Jasper. Do you know who does?” I make the rules. This is my dream, right? I can do whatever I want! “Nick.” Jasper said, stepping towards Nick. “Why… am I having these dreams?” “It’s your willpower. You are resisting the nightmares of the shadow corruption by dreaming parts of the past!” “What… what does that mean?” “It means that you can’t dream bad dreams. They can be good dreams, or just… dreams.” Jasper put his hands on his head. He felt a burning sensation. “I don’t… want… to keep dreaming like this…!” Nick stopped floating around the place and landed in front of Jasper. “Then wake up, Jasper. Nobody will replace you as my best friend!” ---------- 3 Years Ago… A young meowstic walked to a house, bustling with noise, and rang the doorbell. The door was opened, by a Fraxure. “Hey, Jas!Are you a pirate?” The Fraxure was wearing a suit and a tophat. “Yeah, i’m a pirate this halloween!” Jasper said. He was wearing a striped shirt, a pirate hat, and an eyepatch. “So Nick, how’s the evening been?” “Oh, it’s been real fun this evening.” he opened the door some more and stepped aside. “Come in, we got lots of soda!” Jasper walked in the house and grabbed a can of unnamed soda off a nearby table. “It would’ve been nice to go trick-or-treating, though.” Nick scoffed. “Psssh, you’re too old for that. If you want to eat some unhealthy junk food then you can go to the store.” “Sue, alright then.” Jasper opened the can and drank some of the soda. He then walked around aimlessly, observing the costumes that everybody seemed to be wearing. To say the least, they were uncreative. Jasper accidentally bumped into someone. “Whoop, sorry.” He looked at an emolga, who didn’t have a costume. I’ve seen you before, haven’t I? The emolga silently went back to doing his own business, and Jasper just walked by. Like he knew the house like the back of his hand, Jasper easily walked past all the guests and to the upstairs rooms. “BOO!” “Wah!” Jasper fell back, a little bit close to the stairs. “That’s not funny, man!” The prankster took off his mask of giratina off. It was a Frogadier. “Heh, you should’ve seen your face! It was the absolute best!” “Yeah yeah whatever.” the meowstic stood up and dusted himself off. “Ready to lose again?” The Frogadier laughed a little. “I’ve been training. Prepare to eat your words.” “Oh jeez what have you done?” Nick walked up the stairs. “Who spilled the soda on the floor?” Jasper looked behind him. He spilled his can of soda when he got scared and forgot about it. Whoops. “Oh, uhh… my bad.” Jasper picked up the soda can and repositioned it. “You’re lucky that this isn’t close enough to drip onto the heads of the guests.” Nick walked past Jasper into a bathroom, then came out with a towel and cleaned the mess up. Then he just tossed the towel into the bathroom aimlessly. “I thought you might just walk past everyone and go upstairs again. Are you just addicted to Splatoon?” Hm, I should go get that for myself. Jasper shook his head with an innocent grin on his face. “No, no… we were just discussing… Flappy Fletchling.” “Oh, so that’s what you’re addicted to, huh? Alright. Do whatever then.” Nick walked downstairs. Jasper turned to the Frogadier. “Alright Zeddy, you’re going down for sure!” Zeddy gave a cocky smile and pulled out his phone. “Alright, standard rules?” “Yeah, say them to me.” Jasper said. “Three rounds, and the total determines the winner!” “That’s right, now start!” Zeddy started the flight of the fletchling, he was doing real good, until his finger twitched out of anticipation, and the fletchling hit a pipe. “Twenty-seven points. Not bad for a first attempt, huh?” Come on. Just lose already so I can dominate you. A little farther this time. “Thirty-one points. I got Fifty-nine points now.” “Fifty-eight, Zeddy.” Not so great, but decent. Maybe. “Damnit- Twelve!” Zeddy said, like losing was the end of the world. Jasper pulled out his own phone. “Watch a master handle this one.” Alright, all or nothing, let’s do this. The fletchling started its flight. First pipe, second pipe, third- NO! “NU! How!?” Zeddy started laughing. “Hahaha! Have you actually been practicing?” Shut up shut up shut up! Jasper was now really nervous. He’d have to achieve gold twice. “Alright… I can still do this.” Unfortunately, there was no gold. “Ooh, twenty points. What’s gonna happen now, you’ll suddenly get forty-eight points to beat me?” Yunno what, I probably will. Jasper started the third flight. Third time’s the charm, some lucky pika probably said. One… two… four… eight.... sixteen… thirty-two… “That’s a little better, but… I don’t think-” “SH SH SH.” Jasper was focusing hard. Obvious way too hard, though. Sixty-four… Eighty-three. Eighty-three, people! “Yeah! How’d you like that!?” Jasper said triumphantly. Zeddy looked a little pissed. “How!? Were… were you just messing up intentionally at the start?” “Yeh.” “Really?” “No.” Jasper took a few semi-deep breaths. “Phew. That was stressful.” Zeddy gave an angered motion with his hand. “I’ll beat you next time.” “Now what should we do?” Jasper asked. ... They didn’t think of anything immediately. How about… Jasper looked at Zeddy. “You wanna play Splatoon?” Zeddy shrugged. “Eh, sure.” “Okay, let me go get a soda first.” Jasper was about to walk down the stairs, but then he had the idea of just using his telekinesis on the soda. Alright, last time didn’t go so well. But this time… “Found you.” A hand grabbed and clamped one of Jasper’s ears shut. He turned around, and Whisper was standing there. Jasper scowled. “What’re you doing here? I thought you didn’t like parties.” “Still don’t.” Whisper let go of Jasper’s ear. “But last time you went to Nick’s you stayed until ten on a school night. That, and I assume you’ll do something extremely stupid with your psychic powers.” Oh jeez… “I… uhh...” Jasper rubbed the back of his head. Whisper kept the same nonchalant look, as always. “Just go get the soda yourself.” Jasper walked downstairs reluctantly. He grabbed another can of nameless soda and turned around. The emolga from earlier was in front of him, with a cocky expression. “I’ve seen you before, Mr. Eyepatch, haven’t I?” “So have I. You’re… Derek, right?” Jasper said. “That’s right, now where do I know you from?” Jasper didn’t like the look of him. In fact, a third of the partygoers didn’t have a costume. You’re making me uncomfortable. Can I go now? Derek gave his best answer. “Oh right, you have an older sister by the name of Whisper, right?” “Yep.” Jasper didn’t make eye contact with Derek, because he seemed like a jerk for some reason. “And I also remember that you two broke up for some reason.” Derek looked up to the second floor, and saw Whisper, who shook her head and walked away. “I think she hates you for some reason.” Jasper said. “I did nothing wrong.” Derek said angrily. Seems like you’ve went from prettiest boy in school to the whiniest. Eh, I probably shouldn’t say that. Jasper shrugged and walked up to the second floor. “Whatever, i’m just gonna go have fun now.” (Why am I feeling like i’m burning all of a sudden? My right hand, it’s on fire??? But… it’s not on fire, but it’s still burning. This hurts. Why.) (Somebody stop this. Stop… the pain…) |
More nitpicks, grammar and otherwise.
Spoiler:
With that out of the way, some thoughts on this chapter. Oh so we're going back to the thing concerning the red and blue codenames. I feel Lionel's escape is a bit rushed there, but I guess it's expected. Jasper's next dream with Flappy Fletching is cute, and we get an appearance from Derek there. I probably said this before, but I'm more curious now if you have any other plans for him since Whisper's break up with him seems to be a big focus in Jasper's dreams. |
(The days are nothing but a slow crawl as we just sit around in this mansion. I've already forgotten the sense of adventure we once felt, fighting Gym Leaders... Stopping Team Magma and Aqua. All of those adventures are just pleasant memories now. We're lost now... Without our friend and leader, we have nothing to do. I better keep the rest to myself, for now.)
Hoenn Recording 5 Shaymin: ……… Gardevoir: Hey, who’s there? Shaymin: Eek! Gardevoir: Hey, who’s in our house! Is that my camera? *running noises* Linoone: What the- hey hey hey! Stop! *teleport noise* Gardevoir: Was that a hedgehog? Linoone: Looked like a hedge, but not a hog. Gardevoir: So…? Linoone: I know what a hedge and a hog are, but not a hedgehog. Gardevoir: Oh. That’s just great. |
Jasper stared at the void. Hard. He just didn't like how it looked for some reason.
Skyla appeared in front of him. “Hello, Jasper!” Jasper kept staring. Not quite what it seems. “Err… Jasper? Are you okay?” He shook his head. “You look funny today.” Skyla was confused. “What do you mean?” “You're stuck. Stop trying to help me. Help yourself.” Jasper said in a rude tone. He leaned his head forward in an intimidating manner. Skyla gasped, her happy expression waning. “Oh… okay. But first!” She started radiating with power, and then blasted Jasper with a seed flare. Act IV Part 17A: End of the Line (Part I) 12:54 AM Gasp! Jasper snapped awake. His right hand felt like it was burning. He looked at the back of his hand. Patches of ink? They form a symbol of some sort, but I can’t quite tell. ...how long have I been out? Jasper hopped off the couch he was sitting on, and looked around. “Sis? Whisper? You there?” No answer. He walked around the house, limping. “Gah.” He stepped on a pen. Safety hazard. Whisper didn’t put this on the table. Why did she have a pen out? Writing is boring. He noticed some sort of notebook on a nearby table. He picked it up and inspected it. A burning spider. He knew exactly what it meant. One that causes trouble. They poison those close to them and burn them. But at the peak of crisis they’ll save those they actually care about with their venom, and become ash, leaving the memory of all those they have hurt. Jasper carefully put the sketchbook back on the table, and walked outside of his treehouse. “Whisper? You out here?” Jasper looked over the edge of the balcony, and saw Whisper’s body there. “Sis!” Jasper teleported next to her and lifted her head up. “Answer me, Sis! Wake up!” “Mnnnn…” Whisper stirred a little. “Wha…” “What happened? Are you okay?” Whisper’s eyes opened a little, then widened. “...Jasper?” She suddenly grabbed and hugged him. “I was so worried!” Jasper coughed a little. “Yeah, i’m fine though. I’m fine.” I got one very important question. Have you seen my hat? “Hey sis, what were you doing at the bottom of the ladder?” Whisper looked away a little, slightly embarrassed. “Well… I tried drawing some sort of emblem on your hand, and suddenly my hand started burning.” She then looked at her own hand, which somehow also had some patches of dried ink on it. “I don’t understand…” Jasper looked at his right hand and grinned, realizing what happened. “Sis, don’t you remember?” “Remember… what?” “When you caught a cold, Mom drew this on your hand and you were fine the next day!” Jasper said. Whisper didn’t understand quite as much, though. Whisper shook her head and sat up. “That’s impossible. Drawing things doesn’t do anything.” Jasper stood up and pointed at his hand. “But it did work! I’m me again!” Mom and Dad… they never wanted us to be hurt. “Fine, fine. Whatever you say.” Whisper stood up. “Now what do we do?” “We…” Jasper considered not saying what he was about to say. “I guess… we have to stop the shadow pokemon?” -Honchkasino- Jade, Mobius, and Makan were casually relaxing in the office. They really didn’t have anything useful to talk about. “So… Makan. How are our friends in Hoenn?” Mobius said. Makan was stuffing his face with more cotton candy, which was getting ridiculous at this point. But it was delicious. “They’re pretty much bored. Frost is pretty much stuck there and everyone else is clueless.” “What a shame,” Jade said, smoking a cigarette. “They should come by for a nice game of Poker.” “Nope.” Mobius said quickly. “Charles, Healy, and… that other person can’t play Poker.” Makan tossed the empty paper cone into a trash bin. “Shouldn’t you be thinking about how to deal with those shadow pokemon?” Mobius shook his head. “Why don’t you do it, Makan? You’re one of the most powerful pokemon in the world, so why don’t you just go to Cellalight Isle yourself?” “Arceus’ rulebook, as usual.” Makan replied. Jade sighed. “Whatever. Gonna have to open the place up tomorrow.” “Y’know, Makan. I liked your fake voice better.” Mobius said. “Like this?” Makan changed his tone to an extremely nonchalant one. “Eh. There’s a big giant dragon. I’ll save the day, eh.” Jade and Mobius snickered a little from hearing that. “Pffffahaha…!” A metagross(Stanley or whoever it was) opened the door to the office. “Pardon, madam. Alba is sick today.” Jade stopped laughing, and wiped a tear off her face. “Ooh… group formation is gonna be off.” -Lumiose Police Department- 9:07 AM “What the hell do we do now?” Xian said. He and the rest of the crew, along with Reed and Felix were seated around a table. “We’re stuck.” Reed was texting three ludicolos and a dragonite about a second siesta. Then looked up after a brief delay. “What? I wasn’t listening.” “You should try Lionel’s computer.” Felix suggested. Xian shook his head. “Can’t. Lionel used a 24-character password.” Erin shrugged. “Don’t people usually leave their passwords somewhere in case they forget?” “Nah. He’s not the type to just leave random things about.” Xian replied. “Why don’t you try guessing the password?” Charlie asked. “You’re kidding me.” Erin said. “You think we can guess. A twen-ty-four let-ter. Password.” “Well, there’s only 620448401733239439360000 different combinations!” …? Nobody at the table actually said that. Xian looked towards the owner of the voice, and sees Jasper. And so did everyone else. “Woah!” Xian exclaimed, after seeing the cat. He stood up out of his seat quickly. Jasper scratched his head. “Was it something I said?” Obviously really easy! “Nope.” Whisper entered the room from a door behind Jasper. “You were a shadow pokemon last night, how did you change back?” Erin said. Jasper looked at Whisper with some slight nervousness. Will they believe it? Whisper gave a subtle shake of her head. Nope, they won’t believe it. What do I say, then? Just say you ‘just did’ or something. “What’s with the delay?” Felix said. Jasper just did a shrug. “I dunno.” “Okay.” Charlie said. Xian sat back in his chair. “Do you know the password to Lionel’s computer or not?” He’d say, bored. “I dunno.” Jasper replied. “You’re supposed to give me a yes or no.” Seriously? Why? Erin facepalmed. “Just try the computer.” Jasper looked around. “Where…?” Xian motioned his head towards the nearby office. Jasper just silently entered the office with Whisper following him. The PC looked really boring. With a gigantic password box. This is impossible. “So… do you know the password?” Jasper asked. “Nope.” Whisper said, sitting on a random cardboard crate. Ah well, I’ll figure it out myself. This actually looks pretty hard, how am I supposed to figure out a password that I don’t even know about!? “Let's see here…” There was a password hint for some reason. And it wasn’t even a hint at all, it just said ‘Imbeciles’. Whisper glanced at the computer briefly, then turned her head away. “Any day now.” Still couldn’t figure out a 24-character password which he shouldn’t know about. “Who are those guys outside? I recognize two of them, but I don’t know the rest.” “How do you recognize any of them? You were completely insane and trying to throw wrenches and lightbulbs everywhere.” Jasper leaned back, sifting through his thoughts and ideas. “I had a bunch of weird dreams. The pancham was named Schenze, and the roserade’s name is Erin.” “Er, Schenze?” Whisper shook her head, and gave Jasper a you're-wrong look. “His name is Xian.” Jasper just said 'meh’. He's a police. Maybe that dream was fake. “Oh, and then I had a dream about Derek. Remember him?” “Who’s that?” Honestly, Whisper likely didn't know what he was talking about. “Forget about it.” Jasper tried a random password, which didn't work. “Okay, so who are those other fellows? I know Reed, he’s a firefighter.” Whisper pulled a deck of translucent playing cards out of her pocket dimension, and started bridge shuffling them out of boredom. “The pumpkin thing is Charlie. I don't think she talks much. And that big fiery bug… I dunno.” “Wait wait I got it I think.” Jasper typed in seemingly random words. INFERIOR WILL GIVE UP!!! Invalid STRICT, SECURITY, ENABLE Invalid. RED & GREEN HAVE NO WILL Password accepted. “What!?” Whisper hopped off the boxes. “How did you figure that out?” Jasper wasn't sure. “I think I read it somewhere.” All the files were corrupted via an advanced virus. Except for two. |
So the burning hand reference from a chapter or two ago was Whisper's doing. Also probably makes sense she wouldn't get Jasper's dreams, though I would have thought she remembers Derek even if she doesn't want want to talk about him. Also I do wonder about those files.
|
Part 17B
Jasper clicked a file labelled ‘Cellalight’. It failed, because it was just corrupted two seconds ago. Uhh… He clicked the other file: ‘Last Plan’. That also failed. “What!?” “Wow…” Whisper said, barely frustrated. Jasper facepalmed. “If… I was a little faster…” Whisper rolled her eyes. “Calm down. The computer is useless anyway.” “Sup.” Is that? Jasper turned his swivel chair around, finding Makan on a pile of boxes. “.........what is with you randomly appearing?” Are you going to give us random hints? “I need to help you with Lionel.” “Who is Lionel, anyway? I’ve never heard of him.” Whisper asked. Anorith pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket dimension and wiped some colored sugar off of his face before starting. “Eh. Lionel is a suicune. I don’t know why he has that name, because he probably has nothing to do with a Lion.” Whisper didn’t like that answer. “What do you know about lions? You’re just some random shrimp who just keeps appearing randomly, and you keep saying sentences in such a choppy way!” “You know… that’s a good point.” Makan said, in a slightly more normal voice. “The fake voice i’ve been doing really isn’t good for my throat.” He coughed a few times. “What.” Jasper was a little shocked by the change in Makan’s voice. “You don’t sound like Makan.” Makan shook his head in disappointment. “Jasper, I am Level 100 and have 19 moves. Do you think that something like having an accent is beyond me?” Whisper still wanted more answers. Explaining an accent wasn’t a good enough one. “Why are you even helping us anyway? And what do you mean you need to help us?” “This explanation will be a long one.” Makan cleared his throat. “Man, all this sugar isn’t good for my throat either. Anyways, there was a trinity of three legendary pokemon, of grass, fire, and water. They actually don’t have much importance, only maintaining a slight balance in the world. However, the one known as Lionel betrayed the trinity and stopped every bit of resistance against him. Unfortunately, Arceus leaves it up to a bunch of kids, because legendaries can’t jump in to stop problems like these directly.” “You’re not a legendary, though.” Jasper said. “Well i’m very much a legendary. And Arceus will leave this up to a bunch of kids, got it? Good.” Makan was about to teleport when Jasper interrupted him. “Wait!” He waited a briefly before speaking. “I didn’t understand a single thing about what you said, but… what's Cellalight?” “Its an island, southbound…” Makan said, now sleepy for some reason. “Really, really south.” Blink. Makan disappeared, leaving some dust behind. Jasper stood up and left the office after a full minute of doing nothing. Whisper followed him. Erin wasn't at the table. Felix looked at Jasper. “You spent like… what, more than 4 minutes in there. Did you find anything?” “I guess… uhh…” Jasper said, a little nervous. Whisper stepped forward. What are you so nervous about? “There's an island called Cellalight south of Kalos and there's probably something there, okay?” “Rude.” Reed said. Xian put his feet on the table. “What if it's a trap?” “Then you improvise?” Jasper softly said nervously. “Improvise, huh? Whatever you say. Okay… Charlie. Let's go deal with this. Anyone else, come if you want.” Xian stood up and left, Charlie lagging behind. The two meowstic followed him outside. Felix moved behind Xian, but didn’t follow him. “That’s unorthodox.” Xian shook his head, because he didn’t care. “You know what is unorthodox? Being a filthy traitor.” He kept walking. Felix and Reed stayed behind. Is his name actually Xian? Better ask him, just to make sure. “Hey Mister Xian, is your name actually Xian, or is it S-” Xian immediately turned around and clamped Jasper’s mouth shut. “Sh sh sh sh sh. Shut up for a second.” He looked at Charlie, who seemed to be dumbfounded. “Okay, both of you, give us a minute.” This is starting to hurt a little, can you let go of me? Whisper teleported out of sight, and Charlie just walked away. Xian took his hands off Jasper’s mouth. “Okay, what were you about to say?” Jasper seemed a little scared, but asked his question anyway. “Is your name Xian, or Schenze?” The pancham angrily looked away. “How did you get that name.” he muttered. Oh, so it IS Schenze, isn't it? “I don't think you'll believe it… but I had a dream about you. You met that Erin person by kidnapping her.” Xian crossed his arms, not sure what to think. “...Yes, that's right. But I changed my ways and my name. I'm Xian now, got it?” Jasper backed up slightly. “Yes sir.” “Don't call me sir.” -Cyllage City- 11:01 AM A smeargle ran up to a victini minding her own business. “Hey, are you Victoria?” Victoria greeted Shady with a big smile. “That's right! How did you guess?” “I just did. Hey, where are your bear guards?” Victini took a few quick glances around the city, then looked back at Shady to answer his question. “They were really annoying, so I fired them.” Shady shrugged, because he really didn't care enough about that. “Okay. Anyways, can I have your autograph?” EVIL STARE INTENSIFIES “Surrre! Here ya go!” She scribbled her name on Shady’s notebook, in a fancy cursive. “Now leave me alone, I got important things to do.” “Thanks!” Shady ran off to also do whatever. Victoria’s smile slowly turned into a sad frown. “Makan. Are you stalking me?” “Yup.” Makan was on a sack of flour behind Victoria. “What do you want today?” “I'm here to tell you, that the bunch of kids and police are moving to Cellalight island.” “Kids!?” Victoria exclaimed, obviously not liking that fact. “You think that some kids can beat Lionel?” “Yes, because a kid named Brendan defeated Team Aqua and Magma, and then became the Hoenn Champion.” “Screw it. I'm dealing with Lionel myself.” Makan shook his head swiftly. “That's not a good idea. One, you can't do that. Two, Lionel beats you in the starter triangle.” “I don't care.” Embers surrounded Victoria, and she teleported away in a burst of flames. “Eh.” Makan disappeared in a burst of ashes. -14 Minutes Later- “Where'd Erin go?” Jasper asked. Xian was really tired of answering pointless questions. “Can you shut up?” “She went home.” Charlie answered. “Said she didn't want to deal with this.” It's just a harmless question, calm down. Jasper kept silent. The team of 4 just approached the docks, with Xian trying to convince the Captain Meganium of the S.S. Bayleef to take them to Cellalight. “Do you know where that island is, lad?” “Nope.” “Then no, boyo. I ain't going to an island that is in your imagination!” The Captain walked past the rest of the team, and left. This is sooo boring… Xian facepalmed. He was getting more and more frustrated. “Ughhh…” “Hey! Hey you!” Who said that? Jasper looked at Whisper. Do you know who's talking to us? Whisper shook her head. No, and why are you using telepathy when I'm right next to you? Charlie walked closer to the voice, and it was apparently coming from the water. She looked over the edge, and… “BOO!” “Wah!” Charlie stepped back and fell over. A Linoone sprang out of the water. “Pfahahahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha! Heh… that never gets old.” “Who are you!?” Xian said with hostility. He ran over to Charlie, but ignored her attempts to stand up. The Linoone combed his fur a bit before speaking, because it made him look more stylish. “I’m Alex Slade. Grey- err… Mobius! Yes, told me to find you.” “Mobius? For what?” Jasper asked. “I can take you to Cellalight Isle!” Slade answered. Whisper eyed Slade, a little confused on how a raccoon was able to swim. “Did you come from the sea?” “Uh huh. I’m no Bibarel, but I am a good swimmer.” he jumped into the water, staying buoyant easily. “Okay, hop on, people!” “Oh cool! You look like a surfboard!” Jasper jumped onto Slade, almost falling into the water. Charlie jumped on next. And Xian did too, but reluctantly. Slade looked at Whisper, who was just standing there. “You coming?” Whisper stepped back. “I don’t think you can support our weight.” Slade chuckled. “You scared? I’m not an elevator ghost, I swear. Heheh… that was terrible. It’s fine, I can carry a wizard, acrobat, dinosaur, dragon, and a serpent no problem!” “Okay, fine.” Whisper stepped onto Slade’s back, stumbling a little bit. “It’s a little crowded. Really crowded.” Xian said. Slade started swimming at a surprisingly decent speed. “Hold on tight, if you fall off i’m not coming back for you.” |
Some description nitpicks.
Spoiler:
Besides already mentioned the scene with Jasper and Xian, hey well Linoone can use Surf so lol. As for Cellalight Isle, sounds like there will be a big showdown there. Maybe Shadow Pokemon, too? Kinda felt like it's been a while since they appeared, although I probably lost track. |
Part 18
Slade had been paddling along for a few minutes now. “Are we there yet?” Jasper said, which annoyed everyone. Slade wasn’t annoyed, though. “I’d probably be there if I wasn’t still swimming.” Whisper pointed forward. “What is that fog?” “Cellalight Isle is armed with a big fog machine. They use it to keep unwanted visitors away.” Slade answered. Fog? Who uses fog machines? “How do you know that?” Xian asked. Slade tried his best shrug while swimming. “Makan told me. He knows everything.” Within a few more seconds, Slade landed at an island of bright sand. “Welp, we’re here. Now get off me. I’m getting cramps from carrying you all.” The island had one distinct feature. A giganto mountain with a cave. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Charlie muttered. Xian didn’t seem to care. He walked forward. “Whatever. Good ideas are always short in stock.” Everyone but Slade followed. Jasper turned around. “Slade, are you?” Slade wasn’t there anymore. He just left. “Shoot.” This might be a trick. Maybe Slade is an actual elevator ghost. Jasper turned back to the group and hurried towards them. “Heyey, wait for me!” Cave was dark. Couldn’t see anything. Luckily nobody was bumping into anything. “Why does the ground feel cold? And the air is, too.” Whisper commented. *chink!* “What was that.” Xian tried his best to whisper. *chink!* Jasper felt a slight rumble beneath him. “Hey guys, I think something moved under me.” *chk-k-k-k-krkkk* “I think it’s-” The ground under them collapsed, causing everyone to go plummeting to the dark depths. Nooooo!!! Help!!!!! “Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh-” ----- “Wake up.” “Wake up, idiot.” Jasper found himself faceplanted into the floor. The floor was ice! The room was lit up, too! Who said that? He looked up to see a Rattata, wearing some sort of sash. “Who’re you?” “Rafe.” The rattata said, in a mature, fancy pants tone. “Where am I?” “You should be in the same place that you were at 30 seconds ago. As in Cellalight Isle.” Rafe gave a cocky grin. Jasper stood up. He shivered a little, the cold was getting to him. “It’s really cold…” Rafe slowly walked forward in an intimidating manner. “You know… none of us expected anyone to find a stupid cure for shadow status outside of Orre.” Jasper backed up. Rattata with a sash? Rats don’t wear sashes, or do they? “You’re a shadow pokemon, aren’t you?” “You can see us for who we really are, now, can’t you?” Rafe started walking faster. “Well now, you’re too dangerous to leave alone.” You think you’re intimidating me, aren’t you? You just have Run Away. Jasper quickly fired a Thunderbolt at Rafe, who seemed to disappear and reappear a few feet away. Rafe just stopped moving. It’s as if he was just waiting to be attacked. “What are you doing?” Jasper tried walking near Rafe, but still, nothing was happening. But Rafe was just waiting for an opportunity. He started glowing purple, and ran at Jasper to tackle him. “Got you now!” That wasn’t a very good move, however. Jasper slipped on ice at the last second, narrowly avoiding the attack. “I don’t know why you think being a shadow pokemon makes you more powerful, because you don’t seem to be doing much.” Rafe said nothing, and soon copies of him started appearing around the room. I have absolutely no idea what you are even doing. Jasper fired an arcing thunderbolt, which intercepted each and every Rattata in the room, striking Rafe as well. “Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!” Rafe collapsed from the first hit. But he refused to admit defeat, and was barely able to stand up. “Try that again.” That sash! It’s THAT strategy. Rafe started to shift around the room at an incredible speed despite being badly injured, and pounced on Jasper, knocking him down. As soon as that rodent shoved him, Jasper felt all of his energy leave him. All but the smallest bit left. He reluctantly stood up, clutching his right arm. “That’s not very nice. You’re… a FEAR Rattata.” “That’s right!” Rafe said like a complete douche. He looked to be beaming about his cheating-ness. “Now take this!” He quick attacked Jasper, knocking him out. Returning him to the dust from whence he came. “Damn!” Rafe looked behind him, there was a flash of yellow light, which Rafe barely moved out of the way of. “Double team, huh? Looks like my time is up here, then. You little brat.” A hidden psychic teleported Rafe away. “Phew. Glad that’s over.” Jasper started to rest. Until a Manectric was teleported into the room. “This is not fair.” It looked like the Manectric had suffered some injuries already, though minor. “Well? Come on, then! I’m just warming up!” He shouted, obviously too excited. He started shadow rushing around the room, occasionally trying to hit Jasper with it. Jasper kept his double teaming up. “Yunno… I think Rafe’s strategy was better than yours. Jeez, i’m tired of this double teaming.” Eventually, the Manectric wiped out all of the clones. “I’m right here.” “Rrrrragh!” The Manectric seemed to be insane or something, because he had the crazy eyes. He ran at full speed to attack Jasper, but was stopped by an abrupt dose of toxic poison being forced into him. “Urr… ugh… what did you do!?” He started bending over in pain, twitching uncontrollably. “I’m sure you saw. I think I blew a bubble at you, if I remember correctly.” Again, the shadow pokemon was teleported out of the room. For now. Tired, Jasper sat against a wall, breathing heavily. There’s gonna be a third one, isn’t there? There’s always gotta be a third one. Sleepy… sleep. Can’t sleep. Don’t sleep. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- What am I thinking? Am I just hearing things? “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-” A voice above him. Someone is falling. Jasper quickly stuck his arm out. As soon as a blur appeared in front of him, he used his telekinesis on it. It slowed down. “-aaaaa…..” It was Erin. “Wha?” She opened one of her eyes slowly, looking around with a blatantly scared expression. Jasper put his hand down, dropping Erin on the ice. “Oof! Wah!” Erin immediately stood up upon contact with the ice. “Cold shoulder, huh?” A voice said intimidatingly. Soon, the wind started to whistle, with a bisharp falling out of the darkness above, sticking into the ice. “I’ll deal with that just fine.” Jasper stood up. Man, how does getting shoved by a rattata hurt so much? “Are you trying to tag team us to death?” The bisharp shrugged, with a cocky look from his face. “Pretty much. That means you’re going down.” “We’ll see about that!” Jasper fired a thunderbolt at the bisharp, but he instantly raised one of his arms, and he somehow deflected it. Come on. That’s not fair. The bisharp stepped forward and smirked. “I’ve seen what you can do. And that’s why i’m gonna beat you, you insolent pest.” “No. You can’t!” Erin brandished a knife. “Because i’m right here!” The bisharp shook his head in disbelief. “Oh you kids never learn when you’ve been stepped on.” Erin growled, and ran at the bisharp. They both swung their blades, but they were both cancelled out. He’s immune to poison and psychic. That’s blatantly and obviously not fair. Furthermore, thunderbolt doesn’t seem to have any effect on him. What do I do? Jasper just aimlessly stood back while Erin and the bisharp took precise swings at each other, resulting in sparks flying everywhere. “Why don’t you help me?” Erin shouted. She was walking backwards while blocking attacks. She probably wouldn’t be able to keep that up forever. “What do I do? None of my moves work on him!” Jasper put a lot of thought into a good plan, but unfortunately, nothing was coming up. “Oof!” He slipped on the ice, face planting onto the cold, slippery floor. The bisharp laughed. “See? None of you can beat me. You’re just struggling down there. And soon…” The bisharp ran towards Jasper, who was trying his best to stand back up. “...one of you is gonna learn your lesson!” Jasper teleported out of the way of the bisharp’s slash, and swiftly stood up. “Waitwaitwait. You’ve forgotten one very important thing!” “And what is that very important thing, you little brat?” Jasper shrugged, and then started blowing a raspberry. “Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbtttthhhh-” ”What the hell are you-” “-bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbttttthhhhh-” ”Kid, shut up alre-” "-bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbttttttthhhhhhh-” ”That’s it, you’re- gah!” Erin scored a hit on the bisharp, slashing him across the back. “Got you now!” The bisharp angrily tried clawing Erin, who darted backwards. “You’ll pay for that, princess!” He managed to tear Erin’s face slightly. “No, stop!” Jasper pulled a dart gun out of his pocket dimension and fired all six rubber darts at the bisharp. It didn’t work. “What… are you even doing?” Erin asked. She covered her face with her free hand, and began to run away to annoy the bisharp. Jasper threw the dart gun away. “If that didn’t work… then try this!” He pulled what appeared to be a flintlock out of his pocket dimension and aimed it at the bisharp. “What the hell. Is that.” The bisharp relaxed. A flintlock, duh! “A pirate thing. Yohoho! I'll make you walk the plank?” Jasper was pretty sure that the flintlock wouldn't work, but he kept a confident face. The bisharp laughed, not concerned in the slightest. “Hehe… hahahaha! Make me, little man.” He started to slowly walk towards Jasper. “Well? You gonna shoot me or-” *BANG!* The flintlock jolted and flew out of Jasper’s hands, dropping to the ground after a spinny flight. Heavy smoke billowed out of its barrel throughout that short journey. Jasper slipped from the recoil in a coughing fit, waving some of the smoke out of his face. He opened one of his eyes when it stopped stinging, seeing the shadow bisharp dropped to one knee. Woah… did that actually work? “Urrrgh… I'm not… finished… yet!” The bisharp slowly started trying to stand up, visibly shaking. “Are you okay? You look a little shaky.” Jasper didn't bother thinking of standing up, he just kept staring at the bisharp. Huh, where did that Erin person go? As if reading his mind, Erin lunges fiercely at the bisharp, who grabbed the knife in response. “Just…..!” “Still can't get the hang… of that thing. Amateur.” The bisharp wasn't making any progress. “Oh yeah?” Erin jumped, slowly front flipping over the bisharp, forcing the weight of the knife through his hands, and eventually stabbing him in his shoulder. ...the bisharp stopped trying. His hands dropped as he fell to the ground, unconscious. Erin pulled the blade out of his shoulder, taking deep breaths for air. Silence. But after a few minutes, Jasper spoke. “I thought you went home.” “The anticipation was getting to me.” Erin put the knife away as her breathing normalized. “Good job, by the way. Now where's Xian?” "I dunno. I think we all got separated." We got here via floating raccoon, how did you even…? Forget it. I can still hear you thinking. Jasper stood up quickly after hearing Whisper’s voice. Sis? Hey, where are you? Learn to call me by my actual name, by the way. Oh shoot, gotta go! Sis? You there? Jasper took a few glances around the ice room. “We’re gonna need to leave now.” |
At the very beginning where you have "Slad had been paddling" you could probably have one or two sentences describing the setting more. are they at the ocean, lake, etc? Your description was very vague. Also at the part where you mentioned everyone annoyed at Jasper, you could have showed that like everyone slapping their heads.
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Your description of the action with Jasper and Erin I think is a little better than the beginning, you're able to mix in everyone's body language and reactions better there. The part where Jasper did the raspberry, that's some distraction there heh. |
Part 19
The floor under Whisper’s feet had just shattered, and she was falling into a void. While normally she’d be mature enough for this sort of thing, it was a rather sudden turn of events. “W-woah! Wah!” It’s not every day that you fall down a bottomless pit. Though at least Whisper didn’t do something incredibly useless like scream. Whisper absolutely hated when people scream. Is there a caterpie on you? Scream, surrrrre. Is the oven on fire? Scream, because that totally makes everything better! Oh well. At least the mental rant meant that she was incapable of panicking. Alright, if all goes well, you’ll survive with only a sprained ankle. Whisper focused. She was still falling. The wind sounded really slow. Oh right, time is being slowed or whatever. I can’t really tell. She focused on where she thought the ground was gonna be, and within a few seconds, it appeared in the form of more ice. In a split second, Whisper used telekinesis on herself, falling within a few feet of the ground. To be honest, she wasn’t sure that was gonna work. But it did, so good. She slowly lowered herself to the floor, trying her best not to slip on the ice. Okay, we’re stuck in an ice cage. What am I supposed to do now. Whisper took a single step forward, and she slipped, “Oohf!” falling onto her back. That… wasn’t really that much of a problem. Until Whisper could see something falling from the sky above her. Oh sh- She tried standing up, but too late. The falling object clipped Whisper in her side, which hurt a LOT. “Ow!” Whisper rolled over in pain, trying not to scream. The thing that fell on Whisper was Charlie, who probably didn’t feel a thing. “Where am I?” she asked after rolling around. Whisper groaned. She glanced at Charlie, a little pissed, even though it wasn’t exactly her fault. “Hey, are you okay?” Charlie walked over to Whisper, leaning over here. Whisper shook her head slightly. “No.” she took a deep breath to make herself feel a bit better. “Did you know… you… fell on me?” “Wait, really?” Charlie said, completely oblivious to the fact that she could’ve broken one of Whisper’s bones. “I guess that makes my job easier.” Damnit… I would’ve liked to play poker instead of this. A bisharp had appeared out of thin air(probably not) and was walking towards the two. He was all shadowy, or something similar to that. “What, you gonna say something or not?” Whisper said either the best or worst thing that she could’ve. “Yeah. [email protected]#$ you.” That was enough to set him off. He broke into a run, getting ready to slash as hard as he possibly could. Haha, you’re easy to anger, aren’t you? I’ll keep that in mind. Whisper quickly stood up, and used her telekinesis to move Charlie away, and took the full force of the attack. “Nnn…” “Double team. Is that all you psychic idiots are capable of?” The bisharp rested his claws as the meowstic he was looking at burst into dust. “Pretty much. You resist like… what, 12 types?” Whisper was leaning on a wall on the other side of the room. “Twelve types!? What’re we supposed to do then?” Charlie shouted. Whisper scratched her chin, ignoring the bisharp walking towards Charlie. “I’ll think of something.” ----- Mobius flew at an incredible speed over the waters south of Kalos, making waves as if there was a speedboat going through it, being only a few feet above it. Soon, the mist started becoming thicker and thicker as Mobius kept his high speed. He continued, on and on as the mist became so thick that he had to slow his speed down. But not for long though, he found the island of Cellalight Isle soon enough. Mobius slowly landed in front of the big, dank and cold cave. Just dark enough. But he could see his way around the place easily. He was able to detect the ice pit, and walked around it. The tunnel continued, until a big column of ice blocked his way. There was something trapped in the ice, a shape that Mobius recognized well. He raked the column twice with his talons, weakening the ice. Then, he stepped back and charged, jabbing the column with his right talon. It shattered apart. ...and a Victini dropped out of the ice, collapsing to the ground. He stepped forward and checked on Victoria’s condition. Cold, hypothermia was probably going to come in soon. He grabbed his phone and dialed up a number, holding both it and Victoria while he was starting a flight. ----- Xian had his face to the floor. He snapped awake after feeling the coldness on his body for a few seconds. “Gah!” He was in a chamber of some sort, with rocky walls and a floor of ice. There was a Manectric standing across the room, tapping one of his paws impatiently. “You…” Xian cleared his throat. He stared at the manectric as hard as he felt like. “You’re one of those shadow pokemon, aren’t you?” “Beats me. I don’t even care anymore.” The manectric shifted his stance, ready to dash. Xian just stood there, and spread his arms out in a taunting manner. Heh, you are not gonna believe what kind of mistake you’re going to make. The manectric burst forward, sparking, and the electricity turned purple as he prepared to shadow rush Xian. It whiffed. Xian jumped into the air a few feet, and swiftly tossed out his motorcycle, because at least he didn’t have to deal with a professor’s interruptions! The motorcycle briefly crushed the manectric under it’s weight, and then fell off. The manectric lay quite still. Getting hit by a motorcycle really takes it out of a pokemon. A minute passed before Xian stepped forward and looked at the manectric suspiciously. “Ooh… my back.” He didn’t look in the mood to stand up. He looked up at Xian with a pained expression. “How’d you…” Xian shrugged. “Well…” He took his motorcycle and placed it back into his inventory. I’ve done it before, and it was fun. “I was feeling lucky today.” The manectric angrily pulled out a Sitrus berry and scarfed it down. Nom nom nom or something. He now had the strength to stand up, and he did. Kinda. “Grrrrr… You’re… deadmeat.” But clearly not enough strength to fight. The Manectric was teleported away. --static-- After getting Slade to take the unconscious Victoria to Cyllage after a long 4 minute wait, Mobius was ready to continue. He was back at the entrance of the cave, since there was actually nothing useful behind the column that he shattered. He peered down the giant pit at the entrance. It was dark, it was cold, and he could hear voices. "Pbbbbbbbtttttthhhhhhh!!!” "Let’s see if you can deal with this!” "Tired… i’m… can’t… keep going.” Those kids should’ve brought me to babysit them. He waited for his eyes to slowly dilate themselves. --static-- This is the second least elaborate plan that I have ever had the misfortune to witness. Whisper and Charlie were facing a Manectric, who looked real tired. “Tired… i’m… can’t… keep going.” the Manectric was struggling to stand up. He looked like he could collapse any second. Whisper shrugged. “If you don’t mind, we’ll be going now. Can’t keep a lady waiting.” She was glad she didn’t have to deal with any more crap. First the bisharp resisted everything she had, and a rattata just dodged all her attacks. Not only that but Charlie was useless the whole time, cowering in a corner somewhere or dodging a lot. “Wait… stop…” The manectric said shakily, he tried expelling some sort of shadow mist from his body, but he was too tired. “Must…” The manectric collapsed. Whisper approached him and examined him briefly. “Toxic poison. Looks like my brother did a number on him.” Charlie didn’t say anything. She just kept a nervous expression. --static-- Come on! This is getting ridiculous! How much more of this crap do I have to take? There was a stupid FEAR Rattata in front of him. The bisharp and the manectric from before weren’t very powerful, but the bisharp countered all of his attacks, annoyingly. “What’s with you idiots sending losers after me?” The rattata cackled, as menacingly as a purple rodent could. “Ahahahahahahahahahah… heh. I’m not stupid, I came prepared.” He whistled, signalling a mega sableye to fall in the ice room from above. “Oh no…!” Xian said sarcastically, also rolling his eyes at the same time. “A mega sableye. What ever will I do about that?” The rattata didn’t like Xian’s tone, and scowled at him. “What’re you going on about!?” Xian glanced at the rattata for a second, then started walking around the room. “Sableye… isn’t very powerful. Sure, he has complete immunity to Normal and Fighting, but he’s just… meh. A purple thing with eyes.” Xian chuckled to himself, then continued. “Not only that, but… your friend has a glaring weakness… to THIS!” Xian shot towards the mega sableye, jumping with a backflip, and ending it with a high jump kick, straight down on it’s face. It connected just fine. The sableye fell back, fainting from a one-hit KO. “What!?” The rattata was angry. “HOW!?” Xian turned towards the rat with a smug expression. “Don’t you know? Rules are meant to be broken.” “Grrrrr! It doesn’t matter!” The rattata shouted. “I’m ready for an endeavor, and you’re going down!” He sprinted towards Xian, who narrowly dodge rolled out of the way. “That’s cheap, real cheap.” Xian said, maintaining his tone to try and anger the rattata more. “Endeavor isn’t a nice move to have.” “Shhhhhut up!” This guy is annoying, how am I gonna attack him without getting my life sapped by him? Xian just kept dodging. “GROUP FORMATION!” “Huh?” The voice came from above Xian. It was Mobius, with 11 murkrows with him. “I’m taking Number One. The rest of you, try not to screw this up.” They started flying around, eventually settling on a dodecagon shape. After that, they all descended at a high speed, creating ribbons behind them somehow. “Yeah! Let’s do this!” “I hope I don’t sprain my wing.” “Wheeeeeeeee!!!” “Who the hell are you idiots!?” The rattata shouted. Within a few feet of the ground, the birds one by one pull up and start slicing through the rattata, with Mobius making the final attack. How flashy did you have to make this? Just attack him twice. For maximum style, Mobius span on the ice with both of his talons while landing, and when he stopped moving, he was looking back at the rattata. He tipped his fedora. Xian didn’t seem to care about how dramatic Mobius’ synchronized attack was. “Are you done yet?” “Are you really not impressed? You gotta admit, that was pretty cool.” “I’ll think about it when i’m not having to deal with a bunch of shadow pokemon, who hardly even use shadow moves.” Mobius shook his head. “Too serious, buddy.” Then he turned to the group of murkrows. “Alright all of you, you can go now.” “Seeya later, Mobius!” The crowd started to fly out of the room, back to where they came from. “Until next time!” “My beak is gonna be broken after more of this.” Xian started walking to the only other exit to the room, which had apparently just appeared. “Let’s go.” “Alright.” Mobius quickly flew after Xian, picking him up. “H-hey!” Xian really didn’t like getting carried randomly. Mobius scoffed and sped up, whether or not Xian was acrophobic he didn’t seem to concerned. He kept flying through the darkness… it was real dark, but Mobius could see just fine. Until… Mobius skidded to a stop, Lionel was there. In a brightly lit room with more ice, facing down the rest of the team and blabbing about random things. “Lionel!” Xian jumped off Mobius and sprinted towards the Suicune, with Mobius slowly following. “You traitor!” Lionel stopped his rant. “No. You can’t learn your lessons, can’t you?” He started glowing blue, pulsing with a chilling power, and then- |
There was some weird formatting going on in the first few paragraphs, so it was hard to follow at first. I wasn't sure if those sentences were supposed to be in one paragraph or seperate. Later on you have the paragraphs spaced out, so I think you could have taken the time to make sure the beginning was more representable like that.
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Xian shrugged. “Well…” He took his motorcycle and placed it back into his inventory. I’ve done it before, and it was fun. “I was feeling lucky today.” The next scene where you mentioned Manectric tired and then Manectric saying that is kinda repetitive. Perhaps you can just have the dialogue "Can't... keep going." The part where Xian and Sableye fought, while you already mentioned that "rules meant to be broken," I think it would be funnier if it's because Sableye is actually holding Ring Target (an item where the holder receives damage no matter the type immunity). and well, should be expected Mobius to bring in his crew there. |
Part 20: Twenty
*WHOOSH!* Lionel unleashed a shockwave of cold, which was powerful enough to knock everyone off their feet. ...they didn’t get back up. “Too easy. You really should’ve doubted yourselves some more.” Lionel said, cackling slightly. Aww man. Jasper thought to himself. He felt fine, actually. Though the room was a little colder. Don’t move a muscle, Jasper. Whisper said telepathically. Secretly, he had commanded Jasper to slowly take cover behind Xian while she stood behind Mobius. The ice wave hardly affected them, but they pretended to be downed as a ruse. “Ugh. I’m talking to myself again.” Lionel turned and left. The two meowstic waited a minute and a half before standing up. Jasper rubbed his head, and then tried tapping Xian. “Uh, hello? Are you… okay?” He didn’t move. A thin layer of frost was forming over his body. “What’s wrong with them?” Whisper poked Mobius, who also didn’t move. “I… I think they’re frozen.” she said casually, with a bored expression. “Frozen!? What!?” Jasper rudely started tapping Xian some more, which obviously didn’t work. “What do we do?” Whisper opened her mouth to say something, and after some delay, started with “Well… you got some of those… berries?” she started waving her hand around as if asking for an answer. “Aspear berries.” Jasper put his hand forward and started scrounging through his pocket dimension, but turned up nothing useful. “I don’t have any berries, just cotton candy. And Makan somehow stole my entire stash of cotton candy.” “Looks like we’ll just have to find that Lionel fellow and stop him ourselves.” Whisper said, and started to walk in the direction that Lionel went. “Woah woah wait!” Jasper ran in front of his sister. “He froze everyone in one second! How are we supposed to stop him!?” Whisper shrugged, tearing up slightly. “I… I don’t know.” Jasper slowly facepalmed as Whisper continued walking. Ever since I was eight, i’ve never lost. Does that mean that i’ll win against this? I don’t know, and I don’t care. Lionel is too dangerous to leave alone. Jasper followed. Reluctantly. Why did I volunteer for this? This is the second worst day of my life. As both of the Meowstic went to face off… Mobius’ talon twitched. As his eyes opened. Easily. “This isn’t over yet.” ----- Still frozen. Still icy. And still cold. Whisper didn’t seem to mind, though. Jasper, on the other hand, was shivering a lot. He didn’t even bother opening his mouth to communicate. How are you dealing with this cold!? It’s terrible! Whisper glanced at Jasper, then just kept looking forward. I don’t feel that much. I haven’t been feeling anything for a long time. Jasper rolled his eyes. You’re so boring. Why are such an ice queen? What? What’s an ice queen? A froslass? Forget it. They’ve been walking for about 4 minutes and the ice hallway looked the same as before. When I asked you about that Derek character you apparently forgot about him. Oh, I remembered him alright. I just didn’t want to talk about it. So you do have feelings! Whisper gave a subtle shake of her head. You should stop trying to mess with my personal life. “Look at you idiots. Just walking and assuming that you’ll beat me!” Lionel’s voice echoed through the cave. “You better watch your step!” The standard dark-cave-light-radius of 6-feet faded. It was now pitch black in the cave. “Stand behind me.” Whisper grabbed Jasper’s hand as he stood behind her. She stood still, and closed her eyes. What’re you doing!? Jasper thought, panicked. Hold on. I’m dilating my eyes, I got better night vision than you. Whisper responded. … “You’re dilating your eyes and you got better night vision than that little brat of yours, huh!?” Lionel’s voice boomed. “I know what you’re thinking, you imbeciles! You think I got my position by just throwing out a bunch of angry pokemon?” Whisper sighed angrily. Do we have to- Jasper smiled, a little giddy. Yeah, you gotta do it! I didn’t make you spend 5 months in that one class for nothing! “Hey! What’re you morons talking about!?” Bien. Haha! Je pensais que tu avais oublié toutes ces leçons de français! Whisper looked a little angry. She could hardly remember what meant what, since she could hardly care less about a second language, despite being really smart apparently. Je doute sérieusement que cela aide. Lionel didn’t say anything else. The two reached a dead end. Jasper squinted. All he saw was some icy walls. “I… I think I see something stuck in that ice, sis.” They weren’t sure what it was. “I have no idea what it is. It just looks like a potato to me.” “Doesn’t matter!” All the lights(whatever they are) turned on, and Lionel appeared behind them. “There will be no more interruptions in my project. As soon as I deal with you.” Jasper stepped back. “Woah! What is the matter with you?” “Clearly he’s brain damaged and needs to get a checkup, since he’s got some delusions of grandeur.” Whisper said. “Shut up!” Lionel unleashed his ice attack again, but this time it trapped Whisper in a giant block of ice. Jasper somehow wasn’t affected. Jasper gasped. “SIS!” then he turned to Lionel. “You monster!” He hit Lionel with a Toxic before he could do anything else. You’re going down! You hear me!? “Damn… that hurts. A bit.” Lionel turned and started running away. Jasper went down on all fours and sprinted after Lionel. “Get back here!” “Grrrrr!” Lionel growled. “What’s it gonna take to get rid of you brats!?” He turned and tried his Sheer Cold attack on Jasper again, but it still missed. He continued running away. “Stop running away you coward!” Jasper was catching up to Lionel. Either the poison or Jasper is gonna take him down. Lionel tried a Surf. But the persistent meowstic teleported through the attack. “How are you dodging everything? You are nothing but a weakling!” “I’m- coming for you!” Jasper leaped onto Lionel and sank his teeth into his side. “Arrrrrrrrgggg-hhhhhhh!!!!!” Lionel started to slow down, and Jasper still wouldn’t let go. The poison; the bleeding… he felt so much pain. Eventually, Lionel slowed down to a walk… and collapsed on the floor. Jasper stood up and coughed a few times. He sat down against a wall, tired. His thoughts felt blank. Lionel could hardly move. He was bleeding, and the poison and slowly making it’s way through his body. “Ugh… damnit, kid. How’d you… beat me.” “I… I don’t know.” Jasper stood up. “And I don’t care. I just want to go home.” And with that, he slowly walked back to the room Whisper was at. ----- The place was significantly colder than usual. Jasper sighed as he walked to where Whisper was. Still stuck in a block of ice. It’s over. I can finally go home. He put both his hands together and closed his eyes. Psychic power was welling up from within him, and he shattered the block of ice Whisper was in. She fell out and landed on the floor, dazed. “Sis! Are you okay?” Jasper ran up to Whisper, who wasn’t standing up. He knelt beside her and lifted her body up a little. “I… it’s so… cold…” Whisper was shivering profusely, and she had a panicked face. Jasper’s smile waned, and a few tears started to gather in his eyes. “It’s all over. We’re… we’re going home.” Whisper was crying a little bit too. “Jas… per. I don’t… think… I can make it.” “What? No! B-but-” “Don’t. It hurts…” He was at a loss for words. He had never felt so sad before. Tears were streaming down his face, freezing as they fell off. “I’m… s o r r y.” Whisper slowly closed her eyes. “No… it’s not… it can’t… be…” Jasper cried. “Please… don’t leave me! Sis! Please…!” … With a shaded figure, watching from a distance. Saving game… please do not turn off the power… Game Successfully Saved. |
Part 21: Raz Grey
The ending wasn't necessarily a good ending. There hardly is one. A while ago, I defeated Pheobe of the Elite Four. After a friend, Brendan defeated Steven Stone, we were just lost after that. Nothing to do, and he's taken off and hasn't come back. For years. ----- Mobius talon twitched. As his eyes opened. Easily. This isnt over yet. Because that's all you got. Mobius stood up after only two minutes of being frozen. The others, however, didn't seem to be doing too good. Ice was forming on their bodies after the attack. Mobius normally would've tried waking them up, but he assumed that there was no way that they were gonna be standing anytime soon. Hmm Where'd those kids go? I saw that girl hiding behind me and her brother taking cover behind someone else, so they probably evaded getting hit. Mobius sighed. Those kids were going to get themselves killed. He ran forward and took flight in the direction that Lionel likely went. Oof! Mobius bumped into something that suddenly appeared in front of him. What? Who's there? He adjusted his hat and noticed an angry looking Pyroar in front of him. He was growling a lot. Grrrrrrr Er, yeah buddy. Can you try speaking in a language I understand, like Unown or something? But then again, Unown is a writ- Grar! The pyroar leaped at Mobius, mistaking him for an easy target. He simply took off his fedora and smacked the pyroar with it, which was surprisingly effective. The pyroar was sent to the side from the attack, barely missing the swellow. You gotta be a little faster than that if you want to beat me. Mobius said smugly, putting his fedora back on. *ROAR!* The pyroar tried a flamethrower, but Mobius dodged and hit him with a Steel Wing. C'mon, buddy. I'm the master of dodging right now. Don't mess around. As a last resort, the pyroar overheated, making the room extremely hot, melting any nearby ice. Mobius was still able to counteract, he simply turned around and flew several yards away until the pyroar cooled off. Listen! Are you deaf or are you dumb!? Just let me pass, because I've fought others just like you! Mobius shouted, clearly ticked off. Without waiting for another pointless attack Mobius darted forward and leaped, placing his talon on the pyroar's face. In only a second, he somersaulted while attempting to deal as much damage as possible. When he landed, the pyroar was sprawled on the ground, unmoving. Mobius angered expression was soon replaced with a half-bored, half-sad look. He just looked at the ground and shook his head. I'm sorry. Crap. But he didn't waste any time. He simply walked past the pyroar's body after finishing his thought, as proceeded. This is a little more than what I'm used to. But I just have to save those kids and I'll be all good. But first, Mobius pulled out a phone and dialed Slade. Hello? Slade, I'm gonna need you to come back to Cellalight. Oh come on, man! Slade said in a clearly frustrated tone. Do you know how long it took me to swim to that island? Mobius chuckled a bit, but straightened himself out quickly. Fourteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds. You told me because you felt the need to record the time and mention it to me. Yeah, because I was the handyman back in Hoenn! Okay whatever, just come back! No way man, I'm getting Jade to do it! Slade hung up. Mobius sighed again. Hard. Oh well, Jade could probably get to the island faster, anyway. He took flight once again, but within two minutes, something was in his way again. But not really, since it wasn't exactly blocking him. Lionel. Someone who can be described as the worst person when it comes to contingency plans. Because he was dead. Dee. Ee. Ay. Dee. Mobius looked around Lionel's body some more. Some sort of poison, Jaspers Toxic, probably. And a bite wound? A very harsh one, too. Hm. Where'd those kids go? It wasn't much further until he found what he was looking for at the end of the road. Jasper, and what appeared to be Whisper, who was either unconscious or no. What happened? Am I too late? Jasper was crying. Mobius didn't have to see his face or hear his voice to know that. He walked forward, until Jasper heard him walking. Wha, w-whos there? He said, terrified. Mobius walked forward so that Jasper could see him. Calm down. It's me. The kid sniffled, turned his face to his sister, and just closed his eyes. W-What do you want n now. Are are you just gonna tell me it'll be okay? Huh? No. Mobius shook his head. It's not okay. Why? Why? Jasper said to nobody in particular. A lot of tears were streaming down his face, but not enough, not ever enough, Mobius thought. After that, the two said nothing, and did nothing. The swellow had been all over, and seen a lot of things in his life. He'd seen this sort of thing before, too. A time that felt like an eternity passed, until Mobius finally decided to talk. Kid, Jasper. We should go. You can't stay here forever. Without saying anything, Jasper stood up, wiped a few tears off his face which were replaced easily and climbed on Mobius. Mobius stalled. But he still took off. As fast as he wanted. Out of the horrible place, past the officers who were now unfrozen, past Jade and Slade who were helping the officers, and away back to where they came from. --3 Days Later-- That kid he's just alone now. I don't know how, but he's still able to manage on his own. Mobius said sadly. He was sitting in a chair, in a fancy house. He was speaking to three people. Jade, Slade, and Frost. Wow. That's terrible. Slade commented. Mobius took his hat off. Yeah, it is. I miss the good old days, where we just wanted to evolve, while stopping the forces of Team Aqua and Magma from ruining Hoenn. We're grown up now, Raz. We shouldn't just steal the fun from all the other kids. Frost said. It's fine for me, doing the occasional fight with Steven is pretty nice. Jade scoffed Naw, that's lame. What else do you do in your spare time? Frost kept silent for a few seconds, then said ...Editting a wiki. What's with the delay? Jade asked. Forget it, lady. Frost said, avoiding the question. Anyways, Mobius. Thanks for visiting. It does actually get pretty boring here. Sure, but it wasn't nice to swim while carrying 4 people to an island, Alex said a bit angrily. -then swim back to the town! Mobius chuckled. Heh, you needed some exercise anyway. Cutting lawns isn't great for your back. Of course it is! Whatever you say. Jade leaned forward. Say, Mobius. Did you ever come back to that island? I did, actually. The next day I went back to see if there was anything else there, but there was nothing, and no one there. No one? Of course there's no one, the island is aban- That's not it. The pyroar I attacked, Lionel, and Whisper. The Shadow Pokemon that were in the place. They were all gone. --60 Hours Ago-- A small, green quadrupedal Pokemon was limping forward. Up to the body of a female meowstic. I'm sorry a quiet and slightly squeaky voice said. But this is the only way. A strange light surrounded the stranger, and the room was enveloped in a bright light. |
I still see some formatting problems here and there, but it's much better than the last few chapters there.
Lionel and Jasper's battle there were a couple instances where you could give a bit more detail, like one part you put "Lionel tried a Surf" and have description of water waves (perhaps there was a water source in the cave? I apologize for missing that). Otherwise, I do like the description of Lionel being weaker when poisoned. I take it Sheer Cold hit Whisper and why she thought she wasn't going to make it? Still though, ouch. I admit because it's been some weeks since I last read this I don't remember an appearance by Pyroar. Also seems the mention of Hoenn is getting more significant there, hm... So Mobius and Jasper left Whisper on the island (before being taken away?)? I would have thought Jasper might want to try to save or bury her, even if Mobius did say nothing's okay. I do wonder what's going to happen after Whisper and everyone else being taken away now. |
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