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More nitpicks, grammar and otherwise.
Spoiler:
With that out of the way, some thoughts on this chapter. Oh so we're going back to the thing concerning the red and blue codenames. I feel Lionel's escape is a bit rushed there, but I guess it's expected. Jasper's next dream with Flappy Fletching is cute, and we get an appearance from Derek there. I probably said this before, but I'm more curious now if you have any other plans for him since Whisper's break up with him seems to be a big focus in Jasper's dreams. |
(The days are nothing but a slow crawl as we just sit around in this mansion. I've already forgotten the sense of adventure we once felt, fighting Gym Leaders... Stopping Team Magma and Aqua. All of those adventures are just pleasant memories now. We're lost now... Without our friend and leader, we have nothing to do. I better keep the rest to myself, for now.)
Hoenn Recording 5 Shaymin: ……… Gardevoir: Hey, who’s there? Shaymin: Eek! Gardevoir: Hey, who’s in our house! Is that my camera? *running noises* Linoone: What the- hey hey hey! Stop! *teleport noise* Gardevoir: Was that a hedgehog? Linoone: Looked like a hedge, but not a hog. Gardevoir: So…? Linoone: I know what a hedge and a hog are, but not a hedgehog. Gardevoir: Oh. That’s just great. |
Jasper stared at the void. Hard. He just didn't like how it looked for some reason.
Skyla appeared in front of him. “Hello, Jasper!” Jasper kept staring. Not quite what it seems. “Err… Jasper? Are you okay?” He shook his head. “You look funny today.” Skyla was confused. “What do you mean?” “You're stuck. Stop trying to help me. Help yourself.” Jasper said in a rude tone. He leaned his head forward in an intimidating manner. Skyla gasped, her happy expression waning. “Oh… okay. But first!” She started radiating with power, and then blasted Jasper with a seed flare. Act IV Part 17A: End of the Line (Part I) 12:54 AM Gasp! Jasper snapped awake. His right hand felt like it was burning. He looked at the back of his hand. Patches of ink? They form a symbol of some sort, but I can’t quite tell. ...how long have I been out? Jasper hopped off the couch he was sitting on, and looked around. “Sis? Whisper? You there?” No answer. He walked around the house, limping. “Gah.” He stepped on a pen. Safety hazard. Whisper didn’t put this on the table. Why did she have a pen out? Writing is boring. He noticed some sort of notebook on a nearby table. He picked it up and inspected it. A burning spider. He knew exactly what it meant. One that causes trouble. They poison those close to them and burn them. But at the peak of crisis they’ll save those they actually care about with their venom, and become ash, leaving the memory of all those they have hurt. Jasper carefully put the sketchbook back on the table, and walked outside of his treehouse. “Whisper? You out here?” Jasper looked over the edge of the balcony, and saw Whisper’s body there. “Sis!” Jasper teleported next to her and lifted her head up. “Answer me, Sis! Wake up!” “Mnnnn…” Whisper stirred a little. “Wha…” “What happened? Are you okay?” Whisper’s eyes opened a little, then widened. “...Jasper?” She suddenly grabbed and hugged him. “I was so worried!” Jasper coughed a little. “Yeah, i’m fine though. I’m fine.” I got one very important question. Have you seen my hat? “Hey sis, what were you doing at the bottom of the ladder?” Whisper looked away a little, slightly embarrassed. “Well… I tried drawing some sort of emblem on your hand, and suddenly my hand started burning.” She then looked at her own hand, which somehow also had some patches of dried ink on it. “I don’t understand…” Jasper looked at his right hand and grinned, realizing what happened. “Sis, don’t you remember?” “Remember… what?” “When you caught a cold, Mom drew this on your hand and you were fine the next day!” Jasper said. Whisper didn’t understand quite as much, though. Whisper shook her head and sat up. “That’s impossible. Drawing things doesn’t do anything.” Jasper stood up and pointed at his hand. “But it did work! I’m me again!” Mom and Dad… they never wanted us to be hurt. “Fine, fine. Whatever you say.” Whisper stood up. “Now what do we do?” “We…” Jasper considered not saying what he was about to say. “I guess… we have to stop the shadow pokemon?” -Honchkasino- Jade, Mobius, and Makan were casually relaxing in the office. They really didn’t have anything useful to talk about. “So… Makan. How are our friends in Hoenn?” Mobius said. Makan was stuffing his face with more cotton candy, which was getting ridiculous at this point. But it was delicious. “They’re pretty much bored. Frost is pretty much stuck there and everyone else is clueless.” “What a shame,” Jade said, smoking a cigarette. “They should come by for a nice game of Poker.” “Nope.” Mobius said quickly. “Charles, Healy, and… that other person can’t play Poker.” Makan tossed the empty paper cone into a trash bin. “Shouldn’t you be thinking about how to deal with those shadow pokemon?” Mobius shook his head. “Why don’t you do it, Makan? You’re one of the most powerful pokemon in the world, so why don’t you just go to Cellalight Isle yourself?” “Arceus’ rulebook, as usual.” Makan replied. Jade sighed. “Whatever. Gonna have to open the place up tomorrow.” “Y’know, Makan. I liked your fake voice better.” Mobius said. “Like this?” Makan changed his tone to an extremely nonchalant one. “Eh. There’s a big giant dragon. I’ll save the day, eh.” Jade and Mobius snickered a little from hearing that. “Pffffahaha…!” A metagross(Stanley or whoever it was) opened the door to the office. “Pardon, madam. Alba is sick today.” Jade stopped laughing, and wiped a tear off her face. “Ooh… group formation is gonna be off.” -Lumiose Police Department- 9:07 AM “What the hell do we do now?” Xian said. He and the rest of the crew, along with Reed and Felix were seated around a table. “We’re stuck.” Reed was texting three ludicolos and a dragonite about a second siesta. Then looked up after a brief delay. “What? I wasn’t listening.” “You should try Lionel’s computer.” Felix suggested. Xian shook his head. “Can’t. Lionel used a 24-character password.” Erin shrugged. “Don’t people usually leave their passwords somewhere in case they forget?” “Nah. He’s not the type to just leave random things about.” Xian replied. “Why don’t you try guessing the password?” Charlie asked. “You’re kidding me.” Erin said. “You think we can guess. A twen-ty-four let-ter. Password.” “Well, there’s only 620448401733239439360000 different combinations!” …? Nobody at the table actually said that. Xian looked towards the owner of the voice, and sees Jasper. And so did everyone else. “Woah!” Xian exclaimed, after seeing the cat. He stood up out of his seat quickly. Jasper scratched his head. “Was it something I said?” Obviously really easy! “Nope.” Whisper entered the room from a door behind Jasper. “You were a shadow pokemon last night, how did you change back?” Erin said. Jasper looked at Whisper with some slight nervousness. Will they believe it? Whisper gave a subtle shake of her head. Nope, they won’t believe it. What do I say, then? Just say you ‘just did’ or something. “What’s with the delay?” Felix said. Jasper just did a shrug. “I dunno.” “Okay.” Charlie said. Xian sat back in his chair. “Do you know the password to Lionel’s computer or not?” He’d say, bored. “I dunno.” Jasper replied. “You’re supposed to give me a yes or no.” Seriously? Why? Erin facepalmed. “Just try the computer.” Jasper looked around. “Where…?” Xian motioned his head towards the nearby office. Jasper just silently entered the office with Whisper following him. The PC looked really boring. With a gigantic password box. This is impossible. “So… do you know the password?” Jasper asked. “Nope.” Whisper said, sitting on a random cardboard crate. Ah well, I’ll figure it out myself. This actually looks pretty hard, how am I supposed to figure out a password that I don’t even know about!? “Let's see here…” There was a password hint for some reason. And it wasn’t even a hint at all, it just said ‘Imbeciles’. Whisper glanced at the computer briefly, then turned her head away. “Any day now.” Still couldn’t figure out a 24-character password which he shouldn’t know about. “Who are those guys outside? I recognize two of them, but I don’t know the rest.” “How do you recognize any of them? You were completely insane and trying to throw wrenches and lightbulbs everywhere.” Jasper leaned back, sifting through his thoughts and ideas. “I had a bunch of weird dreams. The pancham was named Schenze, and the roserade’s name is Erin.” “Er, Schenze?” Whisper shook her head, and gave Jasper a you're-wrong look. “His name is Xian.” Jasper just said 'meh’. He's a police. Maybe that dream was fake. “Oh, and then I had a dream about Derek. Remember him?” “Who’s that?” Honestly, Whisper likely didn't know what he was talking about. “Forget about it.” Jasper tried a random password, which didn't work. “Okay, so who are those other fellows? I know Reed, he’s a firefighter.” Whisper pulled a deck of translucent playing cards out of her pocket dimension, and started bridge shuffling them out of boredom. “The pumpkin thing is Charlie. I don't think she talks much. And that big fiery bug… I dunno.” “Wait wait I got it I think.” Jasper typed in seemingly random words. INFERIOR WILL GIVE UP!!! Invalid STRICT, SECURITY, ENABLE Invalid. RED & GREEN HAVE NO WILL Password accepted. “What!?” Whisper hopped off the boxes. “How did you figure that out?” Jasper wasn't sure. “I think I read it somewhere.” All the files were corrupted via an advanced virus. Except for two. |
So the burning hand reference from a chapter or two ago was Whisper's doing. Also probably makes sense she wouldn't get Jasper's dreams, though I would have thought she remembers Derek even if she doesn't want want to talk about him. Also I do wonder about those files.
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Part 17B
Jasper clicked a file labelled ‘Cellalight’. It failed, because it was just corrupted two seconds ago. Uhh… He clicked the other file: ‘Last Plan’. That also failed. “What!?” “Wow…” Whisper said, barely frustrated. Jasper facepalmed. “If… I was a little faster…” Whisper rolled her eyes. “Calm down. The computer is useless anyway.” “Sup.” Is that? Jasper turned his swivel chair around, finding Makan on a pile of boxes. “.........what is with you randomly appearing?” Are you going to give us random hints? “I need to help you with Lionel.” “Who is Lionel, anyway? I’ve never heard of him.” Whisper asked. Anorith pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket dimension and wiped some colored sugar off of his face before starting. “Eh. Lionel is a suicune. I don’t know why he has that name, because he probably has nothing to do with a Lion.” Whisper didn’t like that answer. “What do you know about lions? You’re just some random shrimp who just keeps appearing randomly, and you keep saying sentences in such a choppy way!” “You know… that’s a good point.” Makan said, in a slightly more normal voice. “The fake voice i’ve been doing really isn’t good for my throat.” He coughed a few times. “What.” Jasper was a little shocked by the change in Makan’s voice. “You don’t sound like Makan.” Makan shook his head in disappointment. “Jasper, I am Level 100 and have 19 moves. Do you think that something like having an accent is beyond me?” Whisper still wanted more answers. Explaining an accent wasn’t a good enough one. “Why are you even helping us anyway? And what do you mean you need to help us?” “This explanation will be a long one.” Makan cleared his throat. “Man, all this sugar isn’t good for my throat either. Anyways, there was a trinity of three legendary pokemon, of grass, fire, and water. They actually don’t have much importance, only maintaining a slight balance in the world. However, the one known as Lionel betrayed the trinity and stopped every bit of resistance against him. Unfortunately, Arceus leaves it up to a bunch of kids, because legendaries can’t jump in to stop problems like these directly.” “You’re not a legendary, though.” Jasper said. “Well i’m very much a legendary. And Arceus will leave this up to a bunch of kids, got it? Good.” Makan was about to teleport when Jasper interrupted him. “Wait!” He waited a briefly before speaking. “I didn’t understand a single thing about what you said, but… what's Cellalight?” “Its an island, southbound…” Makan said, now sleepy for some reason. “Really, really south.” Blink. Makan disappeared, leaving some dust behind. Jasper stood up and left the office after a full minute of doing nothing. Whisper followed him. Erin wasn't at the table. Felix looked at Jasper. “You spent like… what, more than 4 minutes in there. Did you find anything?” “I guess… uhh…” Jasper said, a little nervous. Whisper stepped forward. What are you so nervous about? “There's an island called Cellalight south of Kalos and there's probably something there, okay?” “Rude.” Reed said. Xian put his feet on the table. “What if it's a trap?” “Then you improvise?” Jasper softly said nervously. “Improvise, huh? Whatever you say. Okay… Charlie. Let's go deal with this. Anyone else, come if you want.” Xian stood up and left, Charlie lagging behind. The two meowstic followed him outside. Felix moved behind Xian, but didn’t follow him. “That’s unorthodox.” Xian shook his head, because he didn’t care. “You know what is unorthodox? Being a filthy traitor.” He kept walking. Felix and Reed stayed behind. Is his name actually Xian? Better ask him, just to make sure. “Hey Mister Xian, is your name actually Xian, or is it S-” Xian immediately turned around and clamped Jasper’s mouth shut. “Sh sh sh sh sh. Shut up for a second.” He looked at Charlie, who seemed to be dumbfounded. “Okay, both of you, give us a minute.” This is starting to hurt a little, can you let go of me? Whisper teleported out of sight, and Charlie just walked away. Xian took his hands off Jasper’s mouth. “Okay, what were you about to say?” Jasper seemed a little scared, but asked his question anyway. “Is your name Xian, or Schenze?” The pancham angrily looked away. “How did you get that name.” he muttered. Oh, so it IS Schenze, isn't it? “I don't think you'll believe it… but I had a dream about you. You met that Erin person by kidnapping her.” Xian crossed his arms, not sure what to think. “...Yes, that's right. But I changed my ways and my name. I'm Xian now, got it?” Jasper backed up slightly. “Yes sir.” “Don't call me sir.” -Cyllage City- 11:01 AM A smeargle ran up to a victini minding her own business. “Hey, are you Victoria?” Victoria greeted Shady with a big smile. “That's right! How did you guess?” “I just did. Hey, where are your bear guards?” Victini took a few quick glances around the city, then looked back at Shady to answer his question. “They were really annoying, so I fired them.” Shady shrugged, because he really didn't care enough about that. “Okay. Anyways, can I have your autograph?” EVIL STARE INTENSIFIES “Surrre! Here ya go!” She scribbled her name on Shady’s notebook, in a fancy cursive. “Now leave me alone, I got important things to do.” “Thanks!” Shady ran off to also do whatever. Victoria’s smile slowly turned into a sad frown. “Makan. Are you stalking me?” “Yup.” Makan was on a sack of flour behind Victoria. “What do you want today?” “I'm here to tell you, that the bunch of kids and police are moving to Cellalight island.” “Kids!?” Victoria exclaimed, obviously not liking that fact. “You think that some kids can beat Lionel?” “Yes, because a kid named Brendan defeated Team Aqua and Magma, and then became the Hoenn Champion.” “Screw it. I'm dealing with Lionel myself.” Makan shook his head swiftly. “That's not a good idea. One, you can't do that. Two, Lionel beats you in the starter triangle.” “I don't care.” Embers surrounded Victoria, and she teleported away in a burst of flames. “Eh.” Makan disappeared in a burst of ashes. -14 Minutes Later- “Where'd Erin go?” Jasper asked. Xian was really tired of answering pointless questions. “Can you shut up?” “She went home.” Charlie answered. “Said she didn't want to deal with this.” It's just a harmless question, calm down. Jasper kept silent. The team of 4 just approached the docks, with Xian trying to convince the Captain Meganium of the S.S. Bayleef to take them to Cellalight. “Do you know where that island is, lad?” “Nope.” “Then no, boyo. I ain't going to an island that is in your imagination!” The Captain walked past the rest of the team, and left. This is sooo boring… Xian facepalmed. He was getting more and more frustrated. “Ughhh…” “Hey! Hey you!” Who said that? Jasper looked at Whisper. Do you know who's talking to us? Whisper shook her head. No, and why are you using telepathy when I'm right next to you? Charlie walked closer to the voice, and it was apparently coming from the water. She looked over the edge, and… “BOO!” “Wah!” Charlie stepped back and fell over. A Linoone sprang out of the water. “Pfahahahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha! Heh… that never gets old.” “Who are you!?” Xian said with hostility. He ran over to Charlie, but ignored her attempts to stand up. The Linoone combed his fur a bit before speaking, because it made him look more stylish. “I’m Alex Slade. Grey- err… Mobius! Yes, told me to find you.” “Mobius? For what?” Jasper asked. “I can take you to Cellalight Isle!” Slade answered. Whisper eyed Slade, a little confused on how a raccoon was able to swim. “Did you come from the sea?” “Uh huh. I’m no Bibarel, but I am a good swimmer.” he jumped into the water, staying buoyant easily. “Okay, hop on, people!” “Oh cool! You look like a surfboard!” Jasper jumped onto Slade, almost falling into the water. Charlie jumped on next. And Xian did too, but reluctantly. Slade looked at Whisper, who was just standing there. “You coming?” Whisper stepped back. “I don’t think you can support our weight.” Slade chuckled. “You scared? I’m not an elevator ghost, I swear. Heheh… that was terrible. It’s fine, I can carry a wizard, acrobat, dinosaur, dragon, and a serpent no problem!” “Okay, fine.” Whisper stepped onto Slade’s back, stumbling a little bit. “It’s a little crowded. Really crowded.” Xian said. Slade started swimming at a surprisingly decent speed. “Hold on tight, if you fall off i’m not coming back for you.” |
Some description nitpicks.
Spoiler:
Besides already mentioned the scene with Jasper and Xian, hey well Linoone can use Surf so lol. As for Cellalight Isle, sounds like there will be a big showdown there. Maybe Shadow Pokemon, too? Kinda felt like it's been a while since they appeared, although I probably lost track. |
Part 18
Slade had been paddling along for a few minutes now. “Are we there yet?” Jasper said, which annoyed everyone. Slade wasn’t annoyed, though. “I’d probably be there if I wasn’t still swimming.” Whisper pointed forward. “What is that fog?” “Cellalight Isle is armed with a big fog machine. They use it to keep unwanted visitors away.” Slade answered. Fog? Who uses fog machines? “How do you know that?” Xian asked. Slade tried his best shrug while swimming. “Makan told me. He knows everything.” Within a few more seconds, Slade landed at an island of bright sand. “Welp, we’re here. Now get off me. I’m getting cramps from carrying you all.” The island had one distinct feature. A giganto mountain with a cave. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Charlie muttered. Xian didn’t seem to care. He walked forward. “Whatever. Good ideas are always short in stock.” Everyone but Slade followed. Jasper turned around. “Slade, are you?” Slade wasn’t there anymore. He just left. “Shoot.” This might be a trick. Maybe Slade is an actual elevator ghost. Jasper turned back to the group and hurried towards them. “Heyey, wait for me!” Cave was dark. Couldn’t see anything. Luckily nobody was bumping into anything. “Why does the ground feel cold? And the air is, too.” Whisper commented. *chink!* “What was that.” Xian tried his best to whisper. *chink!* Jasper felt a slight rumble beneath him. “Hey guys, I think something moved under me.” *chk-k-k-k-krkkk* “I think it’s-” The ground under them collapsed, causing everyone to go plummeting to the dark depths. Nooooo!!! Help!!!!! “Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh-” ----- “Wake up.” “Wake up, idiot.” Jasper found himself faceplanted into the floor. The floor was ice! The room was lit up, too! Who said that? He looked up to see a Rattata, wearing some sort of sash. “Who’re you?” “Rafe.” The rattata said, in a mature, fancy pants tone. “Where am I?” “You should be in the same place that you were at 30 seconds ago. As in Cellalight Isle.” Rafe gave a cocky grin. Jasper stood up. He shivered a little, the cold was getting to him. “It’s really cold…” Rafe slowly walked forward in an intimidating manner. “You know… none of us expected anyone to find a stupid cure for shadow status outside of Orre.” Jasper backed up. Rattata with a sash? Rats don’t wear sashes, or do they? “You’re a shadow pokemon, aren’t you?” “You can see us for who we really are, now, can’t you?” Rafe started walking faster. “Well now, you’re too dangerous to leave alone.” You think you’re intimidating me, aren’t you? You just have Run Away. Jasper quickly fired a Thunderbolt at Rafe, who seemed to disappear and reappear a few feet away. Rafe just stopped moving. It’s as if he was just waiting to be attacked. “What are you doing?” Jasper tried walking near Rafe, but still, nothing was happening. But Rafe was just waiting for an opportunity. He started glowing purple, and ran at Jasper to tackle him. “Got you now!” That wasn’t a very good move, however. Jasper slipped on ice at the last second, narrowly avoiding the attack. “I don’t know why you think being a shadow pokemon makes you more powerful, because you don’t seem to be doing much.” Rafe said nothing, and soon copies of him started appearing around the room. I have absolutely no idea what you are even doing. Jasper fired an arcing thunderbolt, which intercepted each and every Rattata in the room, striking Rafe as well. “Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!” Rafe collapsed from the first hit. But he refused to admit defeat, and was barely able to stand up. “Try that again.” That sash! It’s THAT strategy. Rafe started to shift around the room at an incredible speed despite being badly injured, and pounced on Jasper, knocking him down. As soon as that rodent shoved him, Jasper felt all of his energy leave him. All but the smallest bit left. He reluctantly stood up, clutching his right arm. “That’s not very nice. You’re… a FEAR Rattata.” “That’s right!” Rafe said like a complete douche. He looked to be beaming about his cheating-ness. “Now take this!” He quick attacked Jasper, knocking him out. Returning him to the dust from whence he came. “Damn!” Rafe looked behind him, there was a flash of yellow light, which Rafe barely moved out of the way of. “Double team, huh? Looks like my time is up here, then. You little brat.” A hidden psychic teleported Rafe away. “Phew. Glad that’s over.” Jasper started to rest. Until a Manectric was teleported into the room. “This is not fair.” It looked like the Manectric had suffered some injuries already, though minor. “Well? Come on, then! I’m just warming up!” He shouted, obviously too excited. He started shadow rushing around the room, occasionally trying to hit Jasper with it. Jasper kept his double teaming up. “Yunno… I think Rafe’s strategy was better than yours. Jeez, i’m tired of this double teaming.” Eventually, the Manectric wiped out all of the clones. “I’m right here.” “Rrrrragh!” The Manectric seemed to be insane or something, because he had the crazy eyes. He ran at full speed to attack Jasper, but was stopped by an abrupt dose of toxic poison being forced into him. “Urr… ugh… what did you do!?” He started bending over in pain, twitching uncontrollably. “I’m sure you saw. I think I blew a bubble at you, if I remember correctly.” Again, the shadow pokemon was teleported out of the room. For now. Tired, Jasper sat against a wall, breathing heavily. There’s gonna be a third one, isn’t there? There’s always gotta be a third one. Sleepy… sleep. Can’t sleep. Don’t sleep. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- What am I thinking? Am I just hearing things? “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-” A voice above him. Someone is falling. Jasper quickly stuck his arm out. As soon as a blur appeared in front of him, he used his telekinesis on it. It slowed down. “-aaaaa…..” It was Erin. “Wha?” She opened one of her eyes slowly, looking around with a blatantly scared expression. Jasper put his hand down, dropping Erin on the ice. “Oof! Wah!” Erin immediately stood up upon contact with the ice. “Cold shoulder, huh?” A voice said intimidatingly. Soon, the wind started to whistle, with a bisharp falling out of the darkness above, sticking into the ice. “I’ll deal with that just fine.” Jasper stood up. Man, how does getting shoved by a rattata hurt so much? “Are you trying to tag team us to death?” The bisharp shrugged, with a cocky look from his face. “Pretty much. That means you’re going down.” “We’ll see about that!” Jasper fired a thunderbolt at the bisharp, but he instantly raised one of his arms, and he somehow deflected it. Come on. That’s not fair. The bisharp stepped forward and smirked. “I’ve seen what you can do. And that’s why i’m gonna beat you, you insolent pest.” “No. You can’t!” Erin brandished a knife. “Because i’m right here!” The bisharp shook his head in disbelief. “Oh you kids never learn when you’ve been stepped on.” Erin growled, and ran at the bisharp. They both swung their blades, but they were both cancelled out. He’s immune to poison and psychic. That’s blatantly and obviously not fair. Furthermore, thunderbolt doesn’t seem to have any effect on him. What do I do? Jasper just aimlessly stood back while Erin and the bisharp took precise swings at each other, resulting in sparks flying everywhere. “Why don’t you help me?” Erin shouted. She was walking backwards while blocking attacks. She probably wouldn’t be able to keep that up forever. “What do I do? None of my moves work on him!” Jasper put a lot of thought into a good plan, but unfortunately, nothing was coming up. “Oof!” He slipped on the ice, face planting onto the cold, slippery floor. The bisharp laughed. “See? None of you can beat me. You’re just struggling down there. And soon…” The bisharp ran towards Jasper, who was trying his best to stand back up. “...one of you is gonna learn your lesson!” Jasper teleported out of the way of the bisharp’s slash, and swiftly stood up. “Waitwaitwait. You’ve forgotten one very important thing!” “And what is that very important thing, you little brat?” Jasper shrugged, and then started blowing a raspberry. “Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbtttthhhh-” ”What the hell are you-” “-bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbttttthhhhh-” ”Kid, shut up alre-” "-bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbttttttthhhhhhh-” ”That’s it, you’re- gah!” Erin scored a hit on the bisharp, slashing him across the back. “Got you now!” The bisharp angrily tried clawing Erin, who darted backwards. “You’ll pay for that, princess!” He managed to tear Erin’s face slightly. “No, stop!” Jasper pulled a dart gun out of his pocket dimension and fired all six rubber darts at the bisharp. It didn’t work. “What… are you even doing?” Erin asked. She covered her face with her free hand, and began to run away to annoy the bisharp. Jasper threw the dart gun away. “If that didn’t work… then try this!” He pulled what appeared to be a flintlock out of his pocket dimension and aimed it at the bisharp. “What the hell. Is that.” The bisharp relaxed. A flintlock, duh! “A pirate thing. Yohoho! I'll make you walk the plank?” Jasper was pretty sure that the flintlock wouldn't work, but he kept a confident face. The bisharp laughed, not concerned in the slightest. “Hehe… hahahaha! Make me, little man.” He started to slowly walk towards Jasper. “Well? You gonna shoot me or-” *BANG!* The flintlock jolted and flew out of Jasper’s hands, dropping to the ground after a spinny flight. Heavy smoke billowed out of its barrel throughout that short journey. Jasper slipped from the recoil in a coughing fit, waving some of the smoke out of his face. He opened one of his eyes when it stopped stinging, seeing the shadow bisharp dropped to one knee. Woah… did that actually work? “Urrrgh… I'm not… finished… yet!” The bisharp slowly started trying to stand up, visibly shaking. “Are you okay? You look a little shaky.” Jasper didn't bother thinking of standing up, he just kept staring at the bisharp. Huh, where did that Erin person go? As if reading his mind, Erin lunges fiercely at the bisharp, who grabbed the knife in response. “Just…..!” “Still can't get the hang… of that thing. Amateur.” The bisharp wasn't making any progress. “Oh yeah?” Erin jumped, slowly front flipping over the bisharp, forcing the weight of the knife through his hands, and eventually stabbing him in his shoulder. ...the bisharp stopped trying. His hands dropped as he fell to the ground, unconscious. Erin pulled the blade out of his shoulder, taking deep breaths for air. Silence. But after a few minutes, Jasper spoke. “I thought you went home.” “The anticipation was getting to me.” Erin put the knife away as her breathing normalized. “Good job, by the way. Now where's Xian?” "I dunno. I think we all got separated." We got here via floating raccoon, how did you even…? Forget it. I can still hear you thinking. Jasper stood up quickly after hearing Whisper’s voice. Sis? Hey, where are you? Learn to call me by my actual name, by the way. Oh shoot, gotta go! Sis? You there? Jasper took a few glances around the ice room. “We’re gonna need to leave now.” |
At the very beginning where you have "Slad had been paddling" you could probably have one or two sentences describing the setting more. are they at the ocean, lake, etc? Your description was very vague. Also at the part where you mentioned everyone annoyed at Jasper, you could have showed that like everyone slapping their heads.
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Your description of the action with Jasper and Erin I think is a little better than the beginning, you're able to mix in everyone's body language and reactions better there. The part where Jasper did the raspberry, that's some distraction there heh. |
Part 19
The floor under Whisper’s feet had just shattered, and she was falling into a void. While normally she’d be mature enough for this sort of thing, it was a rather sudden turn of events. “W-woah! Wah!” It’s not every day that you fall down a bottomless pit. Though at least Whisper didn’t do something incredibly useless like scream. Whisper absolutely hated when people scream. Is there a caterpie on you? Scream, surrrrre. Is the oven on fire? Scream, because that totally makes everything better! Oh well. At least the mental rant meant that she was incapable of panicking. Alright, if all goes well, you’ll survive with only a sprained ankle. Whisper focused. She was still falling. The wind sounded really slow. Oh right, time is being slowed or whatever. I can’t really tell. She focused on where she thought the ground was gonna be, and within a few seconds, it appeared in the form of more ice. In a split second, Whisper used telekinesis on herself, falling within a few feet of the ground. To be honest, she wasn’t sure that was gonna work. But it did, so good. She slowly lowered herself to the floor, trying her best not to slip on the ice. Okay, we’re stuck in an ice cage. What am I supposed to do now. Whisper took a single step forward, and she slipped, “Oohf!” falling onto her back. That… wasn’t really that much of a problem. Until Whisper could see something falling from the sky above her. Oh sh- She tried standing up, but too late. The falling object clipped Whisper in her side, which hurt a LOT. “Ow!” Whisper rolled over in pain, trying not to scream. The thing that fell on Whisper was Charlie, who probably didn’t feel a thing. “Where am I?” she asked after rolling around. Whisper groaned. She glanced at Charlie, a little pissed, even though it wasn’t exactly her fault. “Hey, are you okay?” Charlie walked over to Whisper, leaning over here. Whisper shook her head slightly. “No.” she took a deep breath to make herself feel a bit better. “Did you know… you… fell on me?” “Wait, really?” Charlie said, completely oblivious to the fact that she could’ve broken one of Whisper’s bones. “I guess that makes my job easier.” Damnit… I would’ve liked to play poker instead of this. A bisharp had appeared out of thin air(probably not) and was walking towards the two. He was all shadowy, or something similar to that. “What, you gonna say something or not?” Whisper said either the best or worst thing that she could’ve. “Yeah. [email protected]#$ you.” That was enough to set him off. He broke into a run, getting ready to slash as hard as he possibly could. Haha, you’re easy to anger, aren’t you? I’ll keep that in mind. Whisper quickly stood up, and used her telekinesis to move Charlie away, and took the full force of the attack. “Nnn…” “Double team. Is that all you psychic idiots are capable of?” The bisharp rested his claws as the meowstic he was looking at burst into dust. “Pretty much. You resist like… what, 12 types?” Whisper was leaning on a wall on the other side of the room. “Twelve types!? What’re we supposed to do then?” Charlie shouted. Whisper scratched her chin, ignoring the bisharp walking towards Charlie. “I’ll think of something.” ----- Mobius flew at an incredible speed over the waters south of Kalos, making waves as if there was a speedboat going through it, being only a few feet above it. Soon, the mist started becoming thicker and thicker as Mobius kept his high speed. He continued, on and on as the mist became so thick that he had to slow his speed down. But not for long though, he found the island of Cellalight Isle soon enough. Mobius slowly landed in front of the big, dank and cold cave. Just dark enough. But he could see his way around the place easily. He was able to detect the ice pit, and walked around it. The tunnel continued, until a big column of ice blocked his way. There was something trapped in the ice, a shape that Mobius recognized well. He raked the column twice with his talons, weakening the ice. Then, he stepped back and charged, jabbing the column with his right talon. It shattered apart. ...and a Victini dropped out of the ice, collapsing to the ground. He stepped forward and checked on Victoria’s condition. Cold, hypothermia was probably going to come in soon. He grabbed his phone and dialed up a number, holding both it and Victoria while he was starting a flight. ----- Xian had his face to the floor. He snapped awake after feeling the coldness on his body for a few seconds. “Gah!” He was in a chamber of some sort, with rocky walls and a floor of ice. There was a Manectric standing across the room, tapping one of his paws impatiently. “You…” Xian cleared his throat. He stared at the manectric as hard as he felt like. “You’re one of those shadow pokemon, aren’t you?” “Beats me. I don’t even care anymore.” The manectric shifted his stance, ready to dash. Xian just stood there, and spread his arms out in a taunting manner. Heh, you are not gonna believe what kind of mistake you’re going to make. The manectric burst forward, sparking, and the electricity turned purple as he prepared to shadow rush Xian. It whiffed. Xian jumped into the air a few feet, and swiftly tossed out his motorcycle, because at least he didn’t have to deal with a professor’s interruptions! The motorcycle briefly crushed the manectric under it’s weight, and then fell off. The manectric lay quite still. Getting hit by a motorcycle really takes it out of a pokemon. A minute passed before Xian stepped forward and looked at the manectric suspiciously. “Ooh… my back.” He didn’t look in the mood to stand up. He looked up at Xian with a pained expression. “How’d you…” Xian shrugged. “Well…” He took his motorcycle and placed it back into his inventory. I’ve done it before, and it was fun. “I was feeling lucky today.” The manectric angrily pulled out a Sitrus berry and scarfed it down. Nom nom nom or something. He now had the strength to stand up, and he did. Kinda. “Grrrrr… You’re… deadmeat.” But clearly not enough strength to fight. The Manectric was teleported away. --static-- After getting Slade to take the unconscious Victoria to Cyllage after a long 4 minute wait, Mobius was ready to continue. He was back at the entrance of the cave, since there was actually nothing useful behind the column that he shattered. He peered down the giant pit at the entrance. It was dark, it was cold, and he could hear voices. "Pbbbbbbbtttttthhhhhhh!!!” "Let’s see if you can deal with this!” "Tired… i’m… can’t… keep going.” Those kids should’ve brought me to babysit them. He waited for his eyes to slowly dilate themselves. --static-- This is the second least elaborate plan that I have ever had the misfortune to witness. Whisper and Charlie were facing a Manectric, who looked real tired. “Tired… i’m… can’t… keep going.” the Manectric was struggling to stand up. He looked like he could collapse any second. Whisper shrugged. “If you don’t mind, we’ll be going now. Can’t keep a lady waiting.” She was glad she didn’t have to deal with any more crap. First the bisharp resisted everything she had, and a rattata just dodged all her attacks. Not only that but Charlie was useless the whole time, cowering in a corner somewhere or dodging a lot. “Wait… stop…” The manectric said shakily, he tried expelling some sort of shadow mist from his body, but he was too tired. “Must…” The manectric collapsed. Whisper approached him and examined him briefly. “Toxic poison. Looks like my brother did a number on him.” Charlie didn’t say anything. She just kept a nervous expression. --static-- Come on! This is getting ridiculous! How much more of this crap do I have to take? There was a stupid FEAR Rattata in front of him. The bisharp and the manectric from before weren’t very powerful, but the bisharp countered all of his attacks, annoyingly. “What’s with you idiots sending losers after me?” The rattata cackled, as menacingly as a purple rodent could. “Ahahahahahahahahahah… heh. I’m not stupid, I came prepared.” He whistled, signalling a mega sableye to fall in the ice room from above. “Oh no…!” Xian said sarcastically, also rolling his eyes at the same time. “A mega sableye. What ever will I do about that?” The rattata didn’t like Xian’s tone, and scowled at him. “What’re you going on about!?” Xian glanced at the rattata for a second, then started walking around the room. “Sableye… isn’t very powerful. Sure, he has complete immunity to Normal and Fighting, but he’s just… meh. A purple thing with eyes.” Xian chuckled to himself, then continued. “Not only that, but… your friend has a glaring weakness… to THIS!” Xian shot towards the mega sableye, jumping with a backflip, and ending it with a high jump kick, straight down on it’s face. It connected just fine. The sableye fell back, fainting from a one-hit KO. “What!?” The rattata was angry. “HOW!?” Xian turned towards the rat with a smug expression. “Don’t you know? Rules are meant to be broken.” “Grrrrr! It doesn’t matter!” The rattata shouted. “I’m ready for an endeavor, and you’re going down!” He sprinted towards Xian, who narrowly dodge rolled out of the way. “That’s cheap, real cheap.” Xian said, maintaining his tone to try and anger the rattata more. “Endeavor isn’t a nice move to have.” “Shhhhhut up!” This guy is annoying, how am I gonna attack him without getting my life sapped by him? Xian just kept dodging. “GROUP FORMATION!” “Huh?” The voice came from above Xian. It was Mobius, with 11 murkrows with him. “I’m taking Number One. The rest of you, try not to screw this up.” They started flying around, eventually settling on a dodecagon shape. After that, they all descended at a high speed, creating ribbons behind them somehow. “Yeah! Let’s do this!” “I hope I don’t sprain my wing.” “Wheeeeeeeee!!!” “Who the hell are you idiots!?” The rattata shouted. Within a few feet of the ground, the birds one by one pull up and start slicing through the rattata, with Mobius making the final attack. How flashy did you have to make this? Just attack him twice. For maximum style, Mobius span on the ice with both of his talons while landing, and when he stopped moving, he was looking back at the rattata. He tipped his fedora. Xian didn’t seem to care about how dramatic Mobius’ synchronized attack was. “Are you done yet?” “Are you really not impressed? You gotta admit, that was pretty cool.” “I’ll think about it when i’m not having to deal with a bunch of shadow pokemon, who hardly even use shadow moves.” Mobius shook his head. “Too serious, buddy.” Then he turned to the group of murkrows. “Alright all of you, you can go now.” “Seeya later, Mobius!” The crowd started to fly out of the room, back to where they came from. “Until next time!” “My beak is gonna be broken after more of this.” Xian started walking to the only other exit to the room, which had apparently just appeared. “Let’s go.” “Alright.” Mobius quickly flew after Xian, picking him up. “H-hey!” Xian really didn’t like getting carried randomly. Mobius scoffed and sped up, whether or not Xian was acrophobic he didn’t seem to concerned. He kept flying through the darkness… it was real dark, but Mobius could see just fine. Until… Mobius skidded to a stop, Lionel was there. In a brightly lit room with more ice, facing down the rest of the team and blabbing about random things. “Lionel!” Xian jumped off Mobius and sprinted towards the Suicune, with Mobius slowly following. “You traitor!” Lionel stopped his rant. “No. You can’t learn your lessons, can’t you?” He started glowing blue, pulsing with a chilling power, and then- |
There was some weird formatting going on in the first few paragraphs, so it was hard to follow at first. I wasn't sure if those sentences were supposed to be in one paragraph or seperate. Later on you have the paragraphs spaced out, so I think you could have taken the time to make sure the beginning was more representable like that.
Quote:
Xian shrugged. “Well…” He took his motorcycle and placed it back into his inventory. I’ve done it before, and it was fun. “I was feeling lucky today.” The next scene where you mentioned Manectric tired and then Manectric saying that is kinda repetitive. Perhaps you can just have the dialogue "Can't... keep going." The part where Xian and Sableye fought, while you already mentioned that "rules meant to be broken," I think it would be funnier if it's because Sableye is actually holding Ring Target (an item where the holder receives damage no matter the type immunity). and well, should be expected Mobius to bring in his crew there. |
Part 20: Twenty
*WHOOSH!* Lionel unleashed a shockwave of cold, which was powerful enough to knock everyone off their feet. ...they didn’t get back up. “Too easy. You really should’ve doubted yourselves some more.” Lionel said, cackling slightly. Aww man. Jasper thought to himself. He felt fine, actually. Though the room was a little colder. Don’t move a muscle, Jasper. Whisper said telepathically. Secretly, he had commanded Jasper to slowly take cover behind Xian while she stood behind Mobius. The ice wave hardly affected them, but they pretended to be downed as a ruse. “Ugh. I’m talking to myself again.” Lionel turned and left. The two meowstic waited a minute and a half before standing up. Jasper rubbed his head, and then tried tapping Xian. “Uh, hello? Are you… okay?” He didn’t move. A thin layer of frost was forming over his body. “What’s wrong with them?” Whisper poked Mobius, who also didn’t move. “I… I think they’re frozen.” she said casually, with a bored expression. “Frozen!? What!?” Jasper rudely started tapping Xian some more, which obviously didn’t work. “What do we do?” Whisper opened her mouth to say something, and after some delay, started with “Well… you got some of those… berries?” she started waving her hand around as if asking for an answer. “Aspear berries.” Jasper put his hand forward and started scrounging through his pocket dimension, but turned up nothing useful. “I don’t have any berries, just cotton candy. And Makan somehow stole my entire stash of cotton candy.” “Looks like we’ll just have to find that Lionel fellow and stop him ourselves.” Whisper said, and started to walk in the direction that Lionel went. “Woah woah wait!” Jasper ran in front of his sister. “He froze everyone in one second! How are we supposed to stop him!?” Whisper shrugged, tearing up slightly. “I… I don’t know.” Jasper slowly facepalmed as Whisper continued walking. Ever since I was eight, i’ve never lost. Does that mean that i’ll win against this? I don’t know, and I don’t care. Lionel is too dangerous to leave alone. Jasper followed. Reluctantly. Why did I volunteer for this? This is the second worst day of my life. As both of the Meowstic went to face off… Mobius’ talon twitched. As his eyes opened. Easily. “This isn’t over yet.” ----- Still frozen. Still icy. And still cold. Whisper didn’t seem to mind, though. Jasper, on the other hand, was shivering a lot. He didn’t even bother opening his mouth to communicate. How are you dealing with this cold!? It’s terrible! Whisper glanced at Jasper, then just kept looking forward. I don’t feel that much. I haven’t been feeling anything for a long time. Jasper rolled his eyes. You’re so boring. Why are such an ice queen? What? What’s an ice queen? A froslass? Forget it. They’ve been walking for about 4 minutes and the ice hallway looked the same as before. When I asked you about that Derek character you apparently forgot about him. Oh, I remembered him alright. I just didn’t want to talk about it. So you do have feelings! Whisper gave a subtle shake of her head. You should stop trying to mess with my personal life. “Look at you idiots. Just walking and assuming that you’ll beat me!” Lionel’s voice echoed through the cave. “You better watch your step!” The standard dark-cave-light-radius of 6-feet faded. It was now pitch black in the cave. “Stand behind me.” Whisper grabbed Jasper’s hand as he stood behind her. She stood still, and closed her eyes. What’re you doing!? Jasper thought, panicked. Hold on. I’m dilating my eyes, I got better night vision than you. Whisper responded. … “You’re dilating your eyes and you got better night vision than that little brat of yours, huh!?” Lionel’s voice boomed. “I know what you’re thinking, you imbeciles! You think I got my position by just throwing out a bunch of angry pokemon?” Whisper sighed angrily. Do we have to- Jasper smiled, a little giddy. Yeah, you gotta do it! I didn’t make you spend 5 months in that one class for nothing! “Hey! What’re you morons talking about!?” Bien. Haha! Je pensais que tu avais oublié toutes ces leçons de français! Whisper looked a little angry. She could hardly remember what meant what, since she could hardly care less about a second language, despite being really smart apparently. Je doute sérieusement que cela aide. Lionel didn’t say anything else. The two reached a dead end. Jasper squinted. All he saw was some icy walls. “I… I think I see something stuck in that ice, sis.” They weren’t sure what it was. “I have no idea what it is. It just looks like a potato to me.” “Doesn’t matter!” All the lights(whatever they are) turned on, and Lionel appeared behind them. “There will be no more interruptions in my project. As soon as I deal with you.” Jasper stepped back. “Woah! What is the matter with you?” “Clearly he’s brain damaged and needs to get a checkup, since he’s got some delusions of grandeur.” Whisper said. “Shut up!” Lionel unleashed his ice attack again, but this time it trapped Whisper in a giant block of ice. Jasper somehow wasn’t affected. Jasper gasped. “SIS!” then he turned to Lionel. “You monster!” He hit Lionel with a Toxic before he could do anything else. You’re going down! You hear me!? “Damn… that hurts. A bit.” Lionel turned and started running away. Jasper went down on all fours and sprinted after Lionel. “Get back here!” “Grrrrr!” Lionel growled. “What’s it gonna take to get rid of you brats!?” He turned and tried his Sheer Cold attack on Jasper again, but it still missed. He continued running away. “Stop running away you coward!” Jasper was catching up to Lionel. Either the poison or Jasper is gonna take him down. Lionel tried a Surf. But the persistent meowstic teleported through the attack. “How are you dodging everything? You are nothing but a weakling!” “I’m- coming for you!” Jasper leaped onto Lionel and sank his teeth into his side. “Arrrrrrrrgggg-hhhhhhh!!!!!” Lionel started to slow down, and Jasper still wouldn’t let go. The poison; the bleeding… he felt so much pain. Eventually, Lionel slowed down to a walk… and collapsed on the floor. Jasper stood up and coughed a few times. He sat down against a wall, tired. His thoughts felt blank. Lionel could hardly move. He was bleeding, and the poison and slowly making it’s way through his body. “Ugh… damnit, kid. How’d you… beat me.” “I… I don’t know.” Jasper stood up. “And I don’t care. I just want to go home.” And with that, he slowly walked back to the room Whisper was at. ----- The place was significantly colder than usual. Jasper sighed as he walked to where Whisper was. Still stuck in a block of ice. It’s over. I can finally go home. He put both his hands together and closed his eyes. Psychic power was welling up from within him, and he shattered the block of ice Whisper was in. She fell out and landed on the floor, dazed. “Sis! Are you okay?” Jasper ran up to Whisper, who wasn’t standing up. He knelt beside her and lifted her body up a little. “I… it’s so… cold…” Whisper was shivering profusely, and she had a panicked face. Jasper’s smile waned, and a few tears started to gather in his eyes. “It’s all over. We’re… we’re going home.” Whisper was crying a little bit too. “Jas… per. I don’t… think… I can make it.” “What? No! B-but-” “Don’t. It hurts…” He was at a loss for words. He had never felt so sad before. Tears were streaming down his face, freezing as they fell off. “I’m… s o r r y.” Whisper slowly closed her eyes. “No… it’s not… it can’t… be…” Jasper cried. “Please… don’t leave me! Sis! Please…!” … With a shaded figure, watching from a distance. Saving game… please do not turn off the power… Game Successfully Saved. |
Part 21: Raz Grey
The ending wasn't necessarily a good ending. There hardly is one. A while ago, I defeated Pheobe of the Elite Four. After a friend, Brendan defeated Steven Stone, we were just lost after that. Nothing to do, and he's taken off and hasn't come back. For years. ----- Mobius talon twitched. As his eyes opened. Easily. This isnt over yet. Because that's all you got. Mobius stood up after only two minutes of being frozen. The others, however, didn't seem to be doing too good. Ice was forming on their bodies after the attack. Mobius normally would've tried waking them up, but he assumed that there was no way that they were gonna be standing anytime soon. Hmm Where'd those kids go? I saw that girl hiding behind me and her brother taking cover behind someone else, so they probably evaded getting hit. Mobius sighed. Those kids were going to get themselves killed. He ran forward and took flight in the direction that Lionel likely went. Oof! Mobius bumped into something that suddenly appeared in front of him. What? Who's there? He adjusted his hat and noticed an angry looking Pyroar in front of him. He was growling a lot. Grrrrrrr Er, yeah buddy. Can you try speaking in a language I understand, like Unown or something? But then again, Unown is a writ- Grar! The pyroar leaped at Mobius, mistaking him for an easy target. He simply took off his fedora and smacked the pyroar with it, which was surprisingly effective. The pyroar was sent to the side from the attack, barely missing the swellow. You gotta be a little faster than that if you want to beat me. Mobius said smugly, putting his fedora back on. *ROAR!* The pyroar tried a flamethrower, but Mobius dodged and hit him with a Steel Wing. C'mon, buddy. I'm the master of dodging right now. Don't mess around. As a last resort, the pyroar overheated, making the room extremely hot, melting any nearby ice. Mobius was still able to counteract, he simply turned around and flew several yards away until the pyroar cooled off. Listen! Are you deaf or are you dumb!? Just let me pass, because I've fought others just like you! Mobius shouted, clearly ticked off. Without waiting for another pointless attack Mobius darted forward and leaped, placing his talon on the pyroar's face. In only a second, he somersaulted while attempting to deal as much damage as possible. When he landed, the pyroar was sprawled on the ground, unmoving. Mobius angered expression was soon replaced with a half-bored, half-sad look. He just looked at the ground and shook his head. I'm sorry. Crap. But he didn't waste any time. He simply walked past the pyroar's body after finishing his thought, as proceeded. This is a little more than what I'm used to. But I just have to save those kids and I'll be all good. But first, Mobius pulled out a phone and dialed Slade. Hello? Slade, I'm gonna need you to come back to Cellalight. Oh come on, man! Slade said in a clearly frustrated tone. Do you know how long it took me to swim to that island? Mobius chuckled a bit, but straightened himself out quickly. Fourteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds. You told me because you felt the need to record the time and mention it to me. Yeah, because I was the handyman back in Hoenn! Okay whatever, just come back! No way man, I'm getting Jade to do it! Slade hung up. Mobius sighed again. Hard. Oh well, Jade could probably get to the island faster, anyway. He took flight once again, but within two minutes, something was in his way again. But not really, since it wasn't exactly blocking him. Lionel. Someone who can be described as the worst person when it comes to contingency plans. Because he was dead. Dee. Ee. Ay. Dee. Mobius looked around Lionel's body some more. Some sort of poison, Jaspers Toxic, probably. And a bite wound? A very harsh one, too. Hm. Where'd those kids go? It wasn't much further until he found what he was looking for at the end of the road. Jasper, and what appeared to be Whisper, who was either unconscious or no. What happened? Am I too late? Jasper was crying. Mobius didn't have to see his face or hear his voice to know that. He walked forward, until Jasper heard him walking. Wha, w-whos there? He said, terrified. Mobius walked forward so that Jasper could see him. Calm down. It's me. The kid sniffled, turned his face to his sister, and just closed his eyes. W-What do you want n now. Are are you just gonna tell me it'll be okay? Huh? No. Mobius shook his head. It's not okay. Why? Why? Jasper said to nobody in particular. A lot of tears were streaming down his face, but not enough, not ever enough, Mobius thought. After that, the two said nothing, and did nothing. The swellow had been all over, and seen a lot of things in his life. He'd seen this sort of thing before, too. A time that felt like an eternity passed, until Mobius finally decided to talk. Kid, Jasper. We should go. You can't stay here forever. Without saying anything, Jasper stood up, wiped a few tears off his face which were replaced easily and climbed on Mobius. Mobius stalled. But he still took off. As fast as he wanted. Out of the horrible place, past the officers who were now unfrozen, past Jade and Slade who were helping the officers, and away back to where they came from. --3 Days Later-- That kid he's just alone now. I don't know how, but he's still able to manage on his own. Mobius said sadly. He was sitting in a chair, in a fancy house. He was speaking to three people. Jade, Slade, and Frost. Wow. That's terrible. Slade commented. Mobius took his hat off. Yeah, it is. I miss the good old days, where we just wanted to evolve, while stopping the forces of Team Aqua and Magma from ruining Hoenn. We're grown up now, Raz. We shouldn't just steal the fun from all the other kids. Frost said. It's fine for me, doing the occasional fight with Steven is pretty nice. Jade scoffed Naw, that's lame. What else do you do in your spare time? Frost kept silent for a few seconds, then said ...Editting a wiki. What's with the delay? Jade asked. Forget it, lady. Frost said, avoiding the question. Anyways, Mobius. Thanks for visiting. It does actually get pretty boring here. Sure, but it wasn't nice to swim while carrying 4 people to an island, Alex said a bit angrily. -then swim back to the town! Mobius chuckled. Heh, you needed some exercise anyway. Cutting lawns isn't great for your back. Of course it is! Whatever you say. Jade leaned forward. Say, Mobius. Did you ever come back to that island? I did, actually. The next day I went back to see if there was anything else there, but there was nothing, and no one there. No one? Of course there's no one, the island is aban- That's not it. The pyroar I attacked, Lionel, and Whisper. The Shadow Pokemon that were in the place. They were all gone. --60 Hours Ago-- A small, green quadrupedal Pokemon was limping forward. Up to the body of a female meowstic. I'm sorry a quiet and slightly squeaky voice said. But this is the only way. A strange light surrounded the stranger, and the room was enveloped in a bright light. |
I still see some formatting problems here and there, but it's much better than the last few chapters there.
Lionel and Jasper's battle there were a couple instances where you could give a bit more detail, like one part you put "Lionel tried a Surf" and have description of water waves (perhaps there was a water source in the cave? I apologize for missing that). Otherwise, I do like the description of Lionel being weaker when poisoned. I take it Sheer Cold hit Whisper and why she thought she wasn't going to make it? Still though, ouch. I admit because it's been some weeks since I last read this I don't remember an appearance by Pyroar. Also seems the mention of Hoenn is getting more significant there, hm... So Mobius and Jasper left Whisper on the island (before being taken away?)? I would have thought Jasper might want to try to save or bury her, even if Mobius did say nothing's okay. I do wonder what's going to happen after Whisper and everyone else being taken away now. |
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