![]() |
Maybe I'm biased because I really like Zoroark, but I found this "pilot" interesting, with sufficient tension building around Seven's escape to keep me invested. ps I also love Spirited Away. Although I do wonder how the scientists haven't already safeguarded against her illusionary powers. I mean, the scientist still knew of the whole escape, so I assume they have some sort of alert for illusions, but Seven doesn't get any physical repercussions?
|
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Also see you still like Zoroark, heh. But anyways, don't know where you'll go with this just yet as it's only the first chapter, but still looks like a promising premise nonetheless. Seven seems like a fun character there, too. |
Okay, so I reread the first chapter and I see you made several changes indeed. I admit the version I read I saved it in Microsoft Word, so the scenes I pointed out conflicted with the changes you did oops. Anyways, I can see some scenes like Seven transformed into a naked woman and the bathroom, while amusing, are out of place. Also with the bathroom scene I thought in particular I enjoyed the dialogue, I can see the workers there were shown to not be bright.
Anyways, onto Chapter Two. Well, things got more interesting now. I do like that one part where Seven ponders what emotion she should show after her illusion. Team Rocket appearing makes me wonder how your take on them will be since I think this is the first time you're writing a canon villainous team. Looking forward to how Seven will deal with joining Team Rocket. |
I do like the added detail with Giovanni carrying hand sanitizer there for some reason. Maybe it's something I don't see too often with characterization there. I do have to wonder why Giovanni is interested in a Unova Pokemon (maybe something bigger?) since Team Rocket is based in Kanto/Johto. I'm assuming that will be revealed later, though.
|
Poor Seven having a hard time figuring out clothing, heh. Does seem though she might have be a bit uncomfortable feeding the Pokemon test subjects there, which is understandable since she's supposed to be one herself. Wonder how long she'll be able to keep this up.
|
So, I was reading both Mask Within Masks and Dusk Brawler, but didn't know you immeditely updated the former lol.
Chapter Five, moreso another snapshot of Seven dealing with working with Team Rocket, but I still like it. Heh poor her riding Bruce, and nice initiative with her dealing with Subject Three. Chapter Six, meanwhile, has more intensity there with Seamus and Seven about to escape and Giovanni making the kill there. I do like the inner monologue there of Seven wanting to earn her freedom. |
Well, I hate it whenever I did typos. >.>; Already mentioned this to you, but yeah went ahead and fixed that.
Anyways, I like the interactions between Bruno and Peter there. That chase there is also interesting, makes me wonder if there's more to those thugs then just the usual. Looking forward to Peter and his Pokemon's roles further down the road. |
The chop shop there does sound pleasant there. I don't blame Seven for feeling really unease there, I would too. Onto the end of the chapter, I can see why the thumbprints are needed for the pokeballs. Shall be interesting how Seven will handle her first assignment as grunt.
|
Quote:
Anyways, Bruno seeing Seven the first time there has some neat description. White Knights huh? Wonder what kind of role that group will have there. Seven's first assignment there she seemed to fumble a bit there, but it's given. |
Looks like the White Knight's appearances gave Seven a big advantage there and she's able to pick up the slack very fast (and impressed Giovanni there too). Looks like Seven will be going to the White Knight's main base, should make for some fun action.
|
The part with Seven noticing Giovanni's scar makes me wonder how he got it in the first place, hm. Since this is more of a calm before the storm type of chapter, don't really have anything else to say except can't wait for the party next chapter also heh.
|
Quote:
Some nice action going on this chapter. Not surprising Dekkard's reaction over Seven's true identity, though oh dear over her getting back at him there. Looking forward to more of this heist. |
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
The last part where Seven bites Lou, like that you have her being unsettled doing such thing. Overall enjoyed this chapter despite going to gruesome territory, looking forward to more! |
I feel Seven's actions last chapter carried more weight than this chapter, most likely because you dug more into her emotions last time. You still did good job here showing Seven's urgency able to keep her illusions and then slipped up after. Also like the part where the Captain pointed out where Seven was hiding, before he drew his last breath, for some reason.
|
Yeah, after the last thrilling few chapters it's nice this one is mroe calm, and with Bruno and Peter. I thought it's sweet Peter refused to watch the movie without Bruno and telling him the two either do everything together or none at all. Not surprising Bruno could sense Seven, wonder if there will be another upcoming meeting between seen soon.
|
The description with Fisher's aggron I like the implication his Pokemon has been through many battles and the scars showed that. The next paragraph with the mention of Fisher thinking of his Mother's cooking I wonder the significance of that. Fisher getting hungry, lol? The part where one of the grunts taking advantage of Kecleon's ability is also neat. Overall I like this different perspective of Fisher during this heist.
|
I do like the scene where Seven shatters the mirror and then says, "I'll be human" to showcase her conflict whether to be Pokemon or human. And yeah, don't think the White Knights would accept her after what happened. Looks like the heist is more or less finished, looking forward to seeing the aftermath.
|
Seven's illusion exposed and her being unconscious for five days, welp things went downhill for her there for a moment. Fisher doesn't look too happy there either. I'm curious to Giovanni's reaction in the upcoming meeting, though I think I remember he was aware/has a hunch over Seven's true identity? Either way, the upcoming meeting should be interesting.
|
Interesting gathering with Bruno and his friends there. Each one seems to have their own interests and hobbies there. I like the details over how Bruno can sense the color of everyone's souls, him being a Lucario and all. Yeah, he does sound a bit lovestruck over Seven there, poor him.
|
Ah, so Giovanni makes a bargin with Seven, and this mission looks to be more wild than the last one. Giovanni wanting to promote Seven to admin was also a bit of surprise there. I do like their conversation concerning what Seven wants.
One minor thing, I noticed you referenced Giovanni's green eyes several times. One or two mentions of his color is fine, otherwise don't think you need to stress that detail out often. |
So Colson and Seamus are brothers, huh? Seamus having a DUI does make me want to know why a professor would be driving drunk. Curious also if there will come an opportunity that Seven will do that "trade" with Colson.
|
Quote:
Quote:
Bruno still can't stop thinking of Seven, huh? As much as I love that slow burn romance, I hope there would be some kind of interaction between the two again. |
I do like some bits of personality you gave to Set, like when the Haunter takes great pleasure in using Hypnosis and Dream Eater. I also find it kinda cute Kenny is a Star Wars fan, heh. I can see why you have Seven lose there to make her have some self doubt how she'll be able to handle the upcoming prison heist. Looks like this will be tougher than the last out at the warehouse.
|
Finally Seven and Bruno get a proper chat, which was cute. "even among countless stars, it burns so brightly..." Way to be poetic there, Bruno heh. And the part where he realizes why Seven was hesitant towards him, I wanna say yup that's exactly why.
|
Quote:
I enjoyed Set and Thoth's banter this chapter, Thoth's more serious personality works in line with Set's more unpredictable nature. Thoth's reaction to Set getting the guard's pants was the most amusing. Looking forward to more of the prison break in! |
| All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:55 AM. |
![]()
© 2002 - 2018 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2016 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.
Acknowledgements
Use of PokéCommunity Assets
vB Optimise by DragonByte Technologies Ltd © 2023.