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Inky May 10th, 2022 1:16 PM

Oh I can relate to the last one and it’s my go-to answer whenever therapists ask about intrusive thoughts of self harm or such. I don’t have any real tangible thoughts down those lines but I find myself often kinda sat in a cloud of not really enjoying existing, or seeing the point in it. Waking up and wishing you hadn’t but also not having any real desire or want to do anything about it.

Fun stuff :femme:

Hyzenthlay May 11th, 2022 3:53 AM

The current state of the world terrifies me. The world has just gone insane. I thought last year was bad. 2022 is shaping to be a nightmare with no happy way out, with all that is happening around the world -- I feel like humanity is peddling backwards into the worst of our recent history as fast as possible. I'm just constantly shaking my head in disbelief and questioning the future I dreamed of. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all faith in society making a positive change. And this decade is a critical point for making change. That's even scarier. Especially with threats of war/fear mongering...

I try to hold onto hope, because I know good things are happening out there, but when you never, ever see them, when all you ever hear about is sheer disaster and tragedy and greed and psychopathy, hope is very easily forgotten.

Still. I have to keep reminding myself to take each day as it comes and enjoy the present without drowning myself in worry. I find that stepping out into nature helps... especially hidden little gems. Everything is silent and peaceful and life goes on around you. These moments are so precious.

I suppose a huge part of my anxiety is being in a long-distance relationship, where world events can keep us apart for years longer, potentially (as the pandemic has done--we were going to meet up in June 2020...). So I keep desperately wishing he could come here to Australia. :(

Fairy May 11th, 2022 4:53 AM

I’m.. not well.

Learned of yet another person who I introduced into the drug culture has died of “addiction related reasons”. Even worse, I just discovered that one of the people I already knew had passed (around 2020) had a son. There is now a fatherless child in this world, and I contributed to the reason he has to live with that trauma.

I just haven’t felt right since. All of my instincts say, “this is all your fault,” but at the same time my own self loathing doesn’t allow me to pretend I’m important enough to have played any significant role in the lives of these people. Still, somewhere in there is a middle ground that represent the truth, and that inescapable fact is.. agony.

VisionofMilotic May 19th, 2022 5:19 AM

Money is a trigger for me rn. Having the economic insecurity that I do makes me experience a lot of worry and tension. I have student loan debt, medical bills and a disabled dependent mother to carry the cost of living for, besides all the usual utility bills. I'm really feeling the price of inflation as well when I go to the store and try to buy groceries and other necessities. Everything has gone up, except wages. The money I earn is in fact less this month than I needed because my hours were reduced.

Some extra expense is also always coming up, the roof needs to be fixed this month, dental work next month, last month my dog had to have labwork done and surgery. What little money I try to save is constantly decimated. I do things on the side to make ends meet like customise dolls, consign some of my clothes, sell old books, but things are still bad right now and I'm getting overwhelmed. I felt scared and miserable looking at my bank account last night. I want to scream from frustration and anxiety.

In the past my dad has helped me with money, but he has problems of his own atm with legal battles and lots of taxes he owes, so I'm on my own until I get paid at the end of the month.

May is also one of those terrible times of year for me like the Christmas season because it exerts so much pressure to go out and buy gifts, graduations presents, Mothers day and birthdays-- every other woman in my family would be born during this time of year. The strain of shopping for presents pretty much every week, even small things like 20 dollars worth, is accumulating. I'm dreading invitations to activities like going to the movies or dinner because it will cost me an arm and a leg, yet I don't want to not celebrate with loved ones on a special day. I'm stuck in lose-lose siuations, and things that should be happy occasions become sources of worry, irritation and guilt, and I don't like having to preoccupy myself with small petty things like this, it's not who I am.

Nah May 19th, 2022 5:59 AM

I kinda know how you feel Sam, financial insecurity is something that has been eating at me for years, and has only gotten worse in recent months.

I've never made much money in my life (I think the most I've every made in a single year is like $12,000, which is practically nothing), my income has never been a stable one, and attempts at getting a job that pays a decent, stable income have not gone well. And it was one thing when I still lived with my parents, but now that I don't anymore, the pressure has increased like 10-fold. There's all these new expenses that I have to pay and the only reason I can live in this apartment in the first place is because I'm sharing it with my sisters so we're splitting the bills. But then there's the inflation, and how gas prices are the highest they've been in years for no good reason. Like, I'm legit worried that someday I'm just gonna die a miserable death starving to death in the streets or something.

And besides the fear, anxiety, and worthlessness this makes me feel, I also sometimes get a bit pissed off thinking about we live in one of the wealthiest countries the world has ever seen, yet millions of people seriously have to worry about if they can afford the most absolute bare minimum basic necessities like food/water/shelter.

And that's hardly the only problem that is or could be affecting (the mental health of) you or me or anyone else on this fucking planet

Megan May 19th, 2022 7:16 AM

@Sam and Nah:

I'm so sorry to hear. It's already hard enough having to deal with all these crisis as is. You living in a country that is so utterly broken that you feel like you're trapped in hell just breaks my heart. I do hope you two find something good happening to you that can lift your spirits at least a little bit. :(

VisionofMilotic May 21st, 2022 2:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nah (Post 10504879)
I kinda know how you feel Sam, financial insecurity is something that has been eating at me for years, and has only gotten worse in recent months.

I've never made much money in my life (I think the most I've every made in a single year is like $12,000, which is practically nothing), my income has never been a stable one, and attempts at getting a job that pays a decent, stable income have not gone well. And it was one thing when I still lived with my parents, but now that I don't anymore, the pressure has increased like 10-fold. There's all these new expenses that I have to pay and the only reason I can live in this apartment in the first place is because I'm sharing it with my sisters so we're splitting the bills. But then there's the inflation, and how gas prices are the highest they've been in years for no good reason. Like, I'm legit worried that someday I'm just gonna die a miserable death starving to death in the streets or something.

And besides the fear, anxiety, and worthlessness this makes me feel, I also sometimes get a bit pissed off thinking about we live in one of the wealthiest countries the world has ever seen, yet millions of people seriously have to worry about if they can afford the most absolute bare minimum basic necessities like food/water/shelter.

And that's hardly the only problem that is or could be affecting (the mental health of) you or me or anyone else on this fucking planet

Can I give you a Zekrom hug Nah?

https://i.postimg.cc/brsq5t8V/reshiram-and-zekrom-hugging-by-scub4-da51usi-fullview-1.png

I'm so sorry to hear about your worsening financial straits, the anxiety it's bringing you and toll on your self-esteem. I think to be afraid is reasonable and basic survival instincts, because these are situations where we're not really safe, if hunger or homelessness seems like something that it could potentially come to.

I have struggled with feelings like I'm nothing too, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that with a media and society constantly communicating that our buying power is what counts. Our worth isn't in our monetary value though, and not having money isn't something to be ashamed of, it's the system that's the shame because It shouldn't be this hard in a world superpower for everyday people like us to try to carve out an existence with some dignity. You have every right to be angry about how corrupt the structure, and it's good to remember how many of us are going through similar things because it puts into perspective the kind of world we have, so that we're not so hard on ourselves because what's wrong is bigger than just us.

I appreciate you telling me some of what you've been going through, and having the chance to relate to eachother and reach out here. Though things are difficult, they can improve and I'm glad that you and your sisters have eachother at least, and I'm hoping that things start looking up for you in the near future. <3
Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10504919)
@Sam and Nah:

I'm so sorry to hear. It's already hard enough having to deal with all these crisis as is. You living in a country that is so utterly broken that you feel like you're trapped in hell just breaks my heart. I do hope you two find something good happening to you that can lift your spirits at least a little bit. :(

Come here Megan! I'm giving you a Slowpoke hug. Thanks for giving me some love, I want you to have some back.
https://i.postimg.cc/635B8b3X/tumblr-35142649ab9742b5f9a7fbbc83a5d4b0-67adfbf4-1280.jpg

I feel more clear-headed now. Having uncorked a little of what I've been bottling up this month. The problems are still there, but there are other things in life that I can focus on and enjoy like you mentioned, even in times of hardships. Both of you lift my spirits. <3

Megan June 9th, 2022 10:20 AM

Sometimes just the smallest things can remind me of the sad reality that is my eternal entrapment in loneliness and solitude. I can appreciate other people making new friends and sometimes even more. At the same time it also hits me like a hammer.

VisionofMilotic June 9th, 2022 9:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10514080)
Sometimes just the smallest things can remind me of the sad reality that is my eternal entrapment in loneliness and solitude. I can appreciate other people making new friends and sometimes even more. At the same time it also hits me like a hammer.

I consider you my friend Megan, and think myself very lucky for that friendship. I think you are one of the most unique people I have come across, and you're one of the people that keeps me coming back to this forum. This is for you.

https://i.postimg.cc/Njr63QQ7/ab4b0b1b0fc09a19a61926083e938f56.jpg

Neb June 10th, 2022 12:26 AM

It’s been a long time since I posted here, so I figured I’d make an update.

I moved to a new city and started college. I’ve had to drop all of my classes twice because I still haven’t adapted to the workload. As a result I probably won’t graduate until I’m at least 24. I’m a Japanese language major, which means I have to study it constantly, even when I’m not taking classes. A part of me wants to quit, but I feel like I’m too deep into this path to just give up. I really want to become an embassy employee and translator, so I don’t have much of a choice.

Living in the city has been fun. It has a lot of problems, but it still feels like home. Although that might be because it’s within an hour of my hometown.

Getting back into reading books after a two year break has made a massive difference in my mental health. The same could be said for my daily walks. I started doing them as a New Years resolution. Not only does it keep me in shape, but it also clears my head.

I’m also taking antipsychotics with my antidepressants. Thanks to them I can go in public or think about my past without having heart palpitations. They also seem to fix my overly sensitive hearing. Slight noises don’t make me jump anymore.

I still struggle with ruminating about the people who have hurt me. It’s a deep trauma that will take years to mend. Sometimes when I have conversations with people online I get panic attacks if they say something similar to my ex or high school bullies. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but it can be quite debilitating. Thankfully my medication keeps my body under control.

Despite everything I think my life is going in the right direction. I just need time to adjust to adult responsibilities and process what happened in my adolescence.

ZeoStar July 10th, 2022 7:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10514080)
Sometimes just the smallest things can remind me of the sad reality that is my eternal entrapment in loneliness and solitude. I can appreciate other people making new friends and sometimes even more. At the same time it also hits me like a hammer.

Sadly relatable. If I'm lucky I see my family once per year around Christmas. I'm not good at making friends either. I can feel okay most of the time with my own company, yet there are days having nobody to speak with takes a toll.

On the fortunate side I have a good relationship with my siblings. They don't mind when I send 10 random texts in a row, and almost always respond within a few days.

Megan July 10th, 2022 10:17 PM

It's definitely good when you have a good relationship with at least some of your family members. I can't actually even relate to that, though. ^^"

I don't really talk that often to my sister (been a couple months already, she's mostly living her own life with her friends and friend) and the only reason why I write a message to my mother once a week is because she demands it.

My relationship to my family is actually so bad that I still have problems understanding why others would mourn over losing a relative whom they were close to. Like, other then reminding myself that others do indeed feel something positive (or negative when something negative happens) when they think about that person to a point where they have an emotional response, there is just no understanding on my part. It's easy for others to see me as very cold, when I react to their loss, sometimes. ^^"

On very rare occasions I may even think to myself "good riddance", especially when it reminds me of past trauma...

All in all: I'm always trying to rationalize why me dying young is good for everyone. Because it means one f-ed uo person less in the world. xD

Retek July 11th, 2022 5:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10525870)
Spoiler:
It's definitely good when you have a good relationship with at least some of your family members. I can't actually even relate to that, though. ^^"

I don't really talk that often to my sister (been a couple months already, she's mostly living her own life with her friends and friend) and the only reason why I write a message to my mother once a week is because she demands it.

My relationship to my family is actually so bad that I still have problems understanding why others would mourn over losing a relative whom they were close to. Like, other then reminding myself that others do indeed feel something positive (or negative when something negative happens) when they think about that person to a point where they have an emotional response, there is just no understanding on my part. It's easy for others to see me as very cold, when I react to their loss, sometimes. ^^"

On very rare occasions I may even think to myself "good riddance", especially when it reminds me of past trauma...

All in all: I'm always trying to rationalize why me dying young is good for everyone. Because it means one f-ed uo person less in the world. xD

I don't know about that last bit Megan, what I do know is that you're a really nice, caring and fun-to-hang-out-with person, and you really shouldn't think of yourself like that!

hugs 💛

ZeoStar July 11th, 2022 4:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10525870)
It's definitely good when you have a good relationship with at least some of your family members. I can't actually even relate to that, though. ^^"

I don't really talk that often to my sister (been a couple months already, she's mostly living her own life with her friends and friend) and the only reason why I write a message to my mother once a week is because she demands it.

My relationship to my family is actually so bad that I still have problems understanding why others would mourn over losing a relative whom they were close to. Like, other then reminding myself that others do indeed feel something positive (or negative when something negative happens) when they think about that person to a point where they have an emotional response, there is just no understanding on my part. It's easy for others to see me as very cold, when I react to their loss, sometimes. ^^"

On very rare occasions I may even think to myself "good riddance", especially when it reminds me of past trauma...

All in all: I'm always trying to rationalize why me dying young is good for everyone. Because it means one f-ed uo person less in the world. xD

I'm not sure about the relationship to your mother, although demanding messages sounds like her way of showing she cares. People aren't always expressive. (my family definitely isn't) but certain things such as that are ways of knowing. Nobody would demand messages or updates from someone they despise.

But hey, your always welcomed here on Pokecommunity. Might not be much coming from me as I'm not exactly the most loud or popular person, but from what I can tell from frequenting similar sections together, you seem pretty well received.

I hope things will look up for you.

Megan July 31st, 2022 5:15 AM

@Dawn

Your problems and feelings are valid no matter what others may think or say.

Ngl. I can see a lot of things in what you said that also are very similar to my own experiences (of my self). But as I struggle with these things myself I don't have an answer to any of that. ^^"

There's like one thing that heavily contributes to the whole misery, at least from my own observations of my self: something that seems like an easy solution to a lot of my problems ends up failing (often even before it could start). Not because it doesn't work. But because part of my subconscious doesn't want it to work; not necessarily out of fear. But rather because of this desperate need to prove people wrong. Just to prove people that I am in fact a miserable, doomed, train wreck.

I sincerely hope you'll find a way out of that. You deserve better and it doesn't matter if some people say otherwise. It doesn't even matter if your inner self says otherwise!

pkmin3033 August 1st, 2022 2:19 AM

Well...thank you for your response. I am grateful, because it's more acknowledgement than I deserve.

Spoiler:

To be honest, it certainly doesn't feel valid when people go out of their way to flat-out deny me and basically tell me to shut the fuck up whenever I express myself, be it on this or basically anything else. Although being told I'm wrong about myself is the thing I find it difficult to deal with. Resilience to being told you're wrong is something you build up when the matter is subjective (after all, opinions are opinions) but when you consider the matter objective - and I do consider my personal definition of my identity to be objective; nobody should be able to tell me who/what I am but myself - it's very difficult when your entire existence is basically denied by others. Repeatedly. Should it matter what others say or think? Of course not. Does it? Not really, it's the internet, nobody really cares. But it's very isolating and it builds up over time.

You would think that I would choose a more "positive" self-identity if I consider my personal definition of my identity to be the only correct one, but...well, in my experience, being "positive" never gets you anywhere other than feeling worse than you already did, because states of being aren't constant. I'd rather live in apathy as much as possible than constantly go looking for happiness and experience frustration, disappointment, and sadness when I never find it...which, of course, I rarely do, because everything that can go wrong does go wrong. That, plus toxic positivity is a thing. Hearing "no you're not what you say you are" is basically the definition of that, at least for me personally. It's nothing but semantics to me anyway; I am who I am, there isn't anything inherently positive or negative about me. Just things about myself I can tolerate, and things I can't. The latter vastly outweigh the former, and there's nothing I can do about most of them because they're tied to things I have no control over. Things I SHOULD have control over, but don't.

As for proving to others that I'm as fucked up and worthless as I say I am...I kinda get that, but to me it's more...expressing my personal identity, I guess? I don't really need to prove it - it doesn't matter if other people believe me or not, it's an objective reality to me and since it's my personal identity/state of being, that is basically it, it's as true as saying that I need to breathe in order to live - but I would like to express it, and myself, without being told I basically have no right to.

It's difficult to really explain. I suppose because I don't really think about it, I just accept it as truth and carry on. Sometimes it's upsetting and frustrating. Sometimes it's strangely comforting, because if I'm worthless and nothing I say or do matters, then it doesn't matter how badly I fuck up because I have nothing to lose. That thought has stopped me from going over the edge more than once. But...yeah. I suppose the easiest solution is for me to just not infect other people's space with my presence. But I felt like I should try and respond, since you took the time to reply to my now-deleted post. Which I'm grateful for, even if I probably don't seem like it.

Megan August 1st, 2022 2:54 AM

Honestly, when people harass you to that degree that says a lot more about them than it does about you. You really have to be the lowest of the low in order to tell people how little worth they have in your opinion. If anything, it just goes to show that you have the patience of a saint. I probably would have offed myself a long time ago if people did that to me. ^^"

And it's true that identity is a difficult thing to grasp. But I do think that identity isn't necessarily what you are (or what you think you are) at a certain point in time. It's constantly evolving. Acknowledging that there are things about you that you wish were different is already the first step to a better self. And it's not something that others need to approve of. All that is needed is that you feel comfortable with it.

I don't know if you're in therapy. But if you aren't then it may be worth considering.

Fact Checking Gardevoir August 1st, 2022 8:47 AM

Just came back from an appointment with a psychologist.
At the beginning of this year, I went through a several weeks long practical training. It did have good moments, but it was still agitated, hard and stressful, especially for me. We tend to think that this is the source of the funk I was in afterwards, until may : Joining this forum and meeting you all has helped me a lot, but I still have that global feeling of continuous apathy pulling me down.
We also think that, with more time and talking, this apathy will finally go away.

For your warm welcome on this forum, your friendship and the fun times we have had - and will continue having -, my friends, I thank you even more.

Retek August 1st, 2022 9:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fact Checking Gardevoir (Post 10533270)
Just came back from an appointment with a psychologist.
At the beginning of this year, I went through a several weeks long practical training. It did have good moments, but it was still agitated, hard and stressful, especially for me. We tend to think that this is the source of the funk I was in afterwards, until may : Joining this forum and meeting you all has helped me a lot, but I still have that global feeling of continuous apathy pulling me down.
We also think that, with more time and talking, this apathy will finally go away.

For your warm welcome on this forum, your friendship and the fun times we have had - and will continue having -, my friends, I thank you even more.

I'm sorry to hear that Grace, apathy sucks a lot, but I also am really happy for you that we were able to put even a tiny bit of smile on your face!

hugs!

_confused_piplup_ August 5th, 2022 10:15 AM

I felt like sharing a little bit of something that kinda makes me often sad, which is the relationship with my body.

Spoiler:

Well, I won't even talk about all the dysphoria I get everyday from the smallest things. That's about gender identity issues. Anyway, I have never liked my body, most of it, like 90% but I can't even say what's the 10% that makes me feel at least "ok" about it. Anyway, I had a harsh growing up but I won't get too much into it. It gave a bad time with my body and with my gender identity issues.
What is getting me really down lately is not much about dysphoria and how my body is so far away from looking feminine, but involves the luck of my body, like all the little things that most of us pretty much have, but growing up I had several of those and I am still showing some, so I honestly feel really down because those things are just a plus to my normal hatred towards my body. So, as a child I didn't have a tooth and I got an implant like 8 years ago maybe, but it required a lot of years of dentist appointments and tech. I have visited the dentist way more than my uncles lol. Then, I have problems with my sight. I started wearing glasses at 5 and only a couple of years ago I stopped loosing sight (for now).
Then, back related problems, because I grew up earlier than usual: my biological age was often tested and it didn't correspond to my actual age. When my biological age was 18, I was like 16, which doesn't seem too much but going back yeah it was. So yeah, my back tended and still kinda tends to be a little curved because I grew up really fast. Same goes for my feet. I need to wear plantar, otherwise I might get some little things under my feet when I walk too much and they kinda hurt.
I mean, I am used to these things and they're part of my everyday life, but when I look at them as a whole, it's a lot added to how bad I also perceive my body because of being trans.
But why I am saying this today? Today I had an appointment at the hospital to check something about my teeth and it turns out I have something that I am too lazy to medically describe. Synthetically, I will loose a tooth at some point (could be in months or years) but permanently. So I might need another implant. It kinda made me feel down because it's something really rare at my age, I guess. So, yeah I had my daily dose of sadness about my body and I just felt to share to vent for a while. Thanks.

Fact Checking Gardevoir August 5th, 2022 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _confused_piplup_ (Post 10534826)
I felt like sharing a little bit of something that kinda makes me often sad, which is the relationship with my body.

Well, I won't even talk about all the dysphoria I get everyday from the smallest things. That's about gender identity issues. Anyway, I have never liked my body, most of it, like 90% but I can't even say what's the 10% that makes me feel at least "ok" about it. Anyway, I had a harsh growing up but I won't get too much into it. It gave a bad time with my body and with my gender identity issues.
What is getting me really down lately is not much about dysphoria and how my body is so far away from looking feminine, but involves the luck of my body, like all the little things that most of us pretty much have, but growing up I had several of those and I am still showing some, so I honestly feel really down because those things are just a plus to my normal hatred towards my body. So, as a child I didn't have a tooth and I got an implant like 8 years ago maybe, but it required a lot of years of dentist appointments and tech. I have visited the dentist way more than my uncles lol. Then, I have problems with my sight. I started wearing glasses at 5 and only a couple of years ago I stopped loosing sight (for now).
Then, back related problems, because I grew up earlier than usual: my biological age was often tested and it didn't correspond to my actual age. When my biological age was 18, I was like 16, which doesn't seem too much but going back yeah it was. So yeah, my back tended and still kinda tends to be a little curved because I grew up really fast. Same goes for my feet. I need to wear plantar, otherwise I might get some little things under my feet, when I walk too much and they kinda hurt.
I mean, I am used to these things and they're part of my everyday life, but when I look at them as a whole, it's a lot added to how bad I also perceive my body because of being trans.
But why I am saying this today? Today I had an appointment at the hospital to check something about my teeth and it turns out I have something that I am too lazy to medically describe. Synthetically, I will loose a tooth at some point (could be in months or years) but permanently. So I might need another implant. It kinda made me feel down because it's something really rare at my age, I guess. So, yeah I had my daily dose of sadness about my body and I just felt to share to vent for a while. Thanks.

I am sorry to hear you feel like this, and that you will loose a tooth... I wish I could be of more help, but your friends are there for you if you need a friendly ear. We love you for who you are.
*Embraces*

Fact Checking Gardevoir August 9th, 2022 7:33 AM

After several days to make sure, I think I can say that, by talking about it, being aware of it and what caused it, and letting time do its part, my apathy is gradually receding and I am on the path to feeling normal and good again!

LucarioBread August 9th, 2022 5:22 PM

Hello, my first time visiting here!
I am Lucario and for the vast majority of my life, I never had any real mental issues, apart from mild social anxiety. At least not that I was aware of. Sure I had an edgy phase in my early teens, but that really was "just a phase". Anyways here are my mental health adventures over the past year (in the spoiler since it is a lengthy post):

Spoiler:

The last year chewed on my mental health pretty hard. It all began when I decided I was going to leave Biology and pursue a career as an elementary school teacher. My love for birds and nature did not disappear and I still want to volunteer in field research and education, and I do still get offers for those. However, this is where an issue I've actually had for the most of my life started to really surface and intensify - the Imposter Syndrome.
For those not in the know, Imposter is when you believe you're not good enough/deserving of your current circumstances and fear that people will at some point see you're not up to scratch and will view you as a fraud.
From what I've read, it is ironically not recognized as a mental disorder on its own.
I began feeling like my spot on many of the activities I take part in is wasted on me. After all, "why on earth would a teacher need a ringers license? We should've trained someone else" or "I don't want to take him. I put so much hope into him and now he's just gonna walk away". I began "saving them the trouble of shooing me away" and stopped showing up to most things, always with an excuse that I'm either not feeling well or I already have some other plans.

Eventually, the Imposter spread its ugly tentacles into my relationships with other people. Parallel to this, my social circle kind of "shattered" and now I have a social "spaghetti" and have to be mindful if one of my friends has beef with another. My priority became to make it so no one feels betrayed by me hanging out with someone else. It started to stress me out because I had a feeling I wasn't being "good enough of a friend". And that a single mistake could cause people to abandon me. Or it doesn't even have to be a mistake, maybe they'll realize now that I'm on my own with them, I'm not that fun to be around and will gradually just stop hanging out.

As a cherry on top, I started getting episodes of crushing loneliness. The cure is simple: just go hang out with one of my friends. But what if no one is available? I had a particularly bad episode last month where throughout the whole day, I felt like I could start crying at any moment, but no tears ever came, just the feeling of misery and thinking that if I was a better friend, maybe someone would've asked ME to hang out that day instead.

My mental health has improved lately. It began with my supervisor (whom I was quite friendly with) from the research organization I volunteered and interned at randomly gave me a call about 3 months ago, asking if I'm alright, why don't I come to the office anymore, am I mad at someone? I told her how I felt I don't deserve the opportunities, to which she told me that was nonsense and that my desk in the office is currently full of random stuff, but it is still waiting for me whenever I feel ready to return. At that moment, the dam inside me broke and the tears I had bottled up for so long started flowing. I don't think she noticed I was crying and I honestly don't care. We met for a coffee recently and talked about a lot of different things. And throughout that, not only did I realize that most did not care if I had a science degree or an education degree and would love for me to come back, I also realized that a potential close friend was hiding in plain sight for a very long time.

As for my paranoia when it comes to my "friend spaghetti", it also took a drastic turn for the better last week actually. You see, one of my friends (who isn't on speaking terms with a few of my other friends) has been dating this girl for the past year or so. I personally find her to be very annoying and he acts a bit differently when she's around. Since he would bring her to most hang outs, I kinda stopped inviting him because I would hate to make him choose between me and his girlfriend. This came with an immense feeling of guilt over the fact I've abandoned him over my own selfish desires. I couldn't take it anymore, so I invited him for a beer. Luckily his girlfriend didn't come. I got straight to the point and told him how I want to hang out, but he keeps bringing her along and I don't really like to be around her and that it's fine if he doesn't want to hang or thinks of me as a shitty person, I kept on rambling and rambling and apologizing and all the while... he was laughing his ass off over the fact I thought he would be mad at me. He told me I'm stressing over dumb things and this isn't me being selfish, it's just me expressing my own needs. If I don't want her around and should've just said so long ago, he wouldn't have brought her along. After all, he sees her and talks to her much more often than with me, they don't have to be together 24/7.
It has also occurred to me through a combination of people's comments and self-reflection that my friends don't have any beef or resentment towards me and view me a pleasant and kind person, therefore, I would have to do something absolutely outrageous to drive them away.

I don't think my problems are gone, but the future is at least looking a lot brighter. Past couple of nights I've slept really well with much less worries over "what I deserve and not".

Poke fan number 489 August 12th, 2022 6:02 AM

Going to update my last post.
After much reflection turns out my childhood sucked. My grandmother extorted my family, her husband tried to stab my sister, and they had my dog put down for no real reason. Realizing this has had a negative effect on my emotional state.
I miss apathy.

I am not going to stop my normal stuff. Not sure if I enjoy it or if it's a sense of duty, but either way It's something to do.

Sheep August 25th, 2022 10:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poke fan number 489 (Post 10537418)
I am not going to stop my normal stuff. Not sure if I enjoy it or if it's a sense of duty, but either way It's something to do.

Hey, just want to wish you the absolute best. Life is super hard sometimes but I appreciate you. <3 How have you been feeling lately?

Inky September 3rd, 2022 4:45 PM

Part of me hates posting here because my default position when it comes to my own mental health is “nobody cares,” but I lack any other outlet since I’ve given up therapy and I don’t like bothering others with my moping. Not a massive wall of text but I'll spoiler it anyway

Spoiler:
But yeah, my mental health has taken a ridiculous nosedive over the past few weeks. Maybe it’s been longer and I just didn’t notice the earlier signs, or maybe it’s just been a more significant drop recently. In any case, I’m a depressed mess atm lol, and it feels like things aren’t looking up? I wake up basically every day wishing I could just go back to sleep and retreat into whatever dreams I’d had the night before. I rarely have any energy, any drive, any motivation. The most basic, bare-bones hobbies that I used to find some pleasure in are now just insurmountable tasks I procrastinate and avoid.

I feel drained. And empty. Like some kind of hollow shell of whatever, or whoever, I used to be. I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel like this. I’m devoid of the things that once lifted me up. I do enjoy things, and more recently I’ve been seeing people that make me happy more often. But whatever temporary benefit that gives me just fizzles out as quickly as it arrived. I drift through the day-to-day, I guess as a somewhat functioning depressive, but I never get any real enjoyment out of anything. Nothing lasts.

I’m more self deprecating than ever, and there’s a part of me that wonders if deep down there is some piece of me that means some of the things I say as an otherwise seemingly throwaway dark joke. I feel like those comments just annoy people though, which is a pain for me since I rely on that a lot of the time. But then I also feel like talking candidly about how I feel is impossible because more often than not people don’t know how to respond, at all. Which is fine! But it sucks to just have all this bottled up and feeling totally isolated with it all. I also hate to feel like some kind of burden unloading it all on someone.

There’s no real point to this, no concluding remark, I’m not looking to act on any of it. It’s just frustrating to be stuck in this spiralling rut, seeing it, and being unable to pull myself out of it.

But yeah, idk. I just wanted somewhere to dump this. I’m moving in a few weeks to a different part of the country, so maybe that will spark some change in me.

Fact Checking Gardevoir September 4th, 2022 4:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dawn (Post 10543599)
I am really asking for it by sharing this publicly, and I feel terrible for posting in here again, but I have been doing a lot of self-reflection over the last couple of days and I...just need to get this down. If this reads like a long-winded apology, then I guess it probably is, although I don't know how sincere I'm really being...I'm still struggling the process this.

I know I'm not really a significant person here, but I've been here a long time, and I've interacted with a lot of people here at one point or another. So I...feel the need, I guess, to try and...say something. Maybe it'll explain a few things if anyone has ever thought "what the fuck is your problem?" after talking to me, or seeing something I've said. I don't know.

I haven't had much occasions to interact with you, but I will say this. We all have our own personality and nature, and nobody can tell us to change them. But we can always work on trying to get some control on it. We don't need to be completely alike to be friends, we just need to share some common interests. You definitely should not hate yourself for something you didn't choose. I genuinely wish you to feel better and be well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inky (Post 10545649)
Part of me hates posting here because my default position when it comes to my own mental health is “nobody cares,” but I lack any other outlet since I’ve given up therapy and I don’t like bothering others with my moping. Not a massive wall of text but I'll spoiler it anyway

It is alright. We all need a friendly ear sometimes. I think I can relate, with the continuous funk and apathy. I have been there for almost half a year, and I didn't know why... It took me a while to realize it was not just a succession of feeling down moments, and another to determine its cause, something I hadn't suspected (a tough, stressful, practical training course who lasted several weeks)...
What I mean is that there may be something unsuspected causing you to feel like this, that had effects you might not have thought. I recommend you to talk about it, to your close ones, to a psychologist, and to try and find the source.

That is what I did, and gradually from there, I have felt better and better. So, I hope you too will find the cause too, and feel better with time going as you talk about it.
Best wishes for you to feel better!

Megan September 4th, 2022 7:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dawn (Post 10543599)
...

Self reflection is a good thing. But it can sometimes be misleading, as I've experienced many times over the years. ^^"

Now, I'm definitely not an expert in terms of psychology. And I don't have a good grasp on the topic of narcissism. But I still can't really picture you as a narcissist, tbh. Maybe it's just me and maybe I'm just projecting (my sincere apology in that case). But you seem to act a lot more out of a defensive state? At least here on PC that seems to be the case.

I guess a tip you could try: turn your conclusion upside down. If you're a narcissist then the opposite shouldn't be true. Sorry for the cryptic advise. ^^"
But even if it is true, it still doesn't matter as long as you keep working on your self.

Megan September 7th, 2022 12:14 AM

I yearn for the day when I finally don't have to exist, anymore. <_<

_confused_piplup_ September 7th, 2022 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10546801)
I yearn for the day when I finally don't have to exist, anymore. <_<

I am probably not the right person to reply to this because I relate to this a lot, but at the same time I feel like I should.
I won't bother talking about life, but I just want to say how I kinda manage to go through this. I think that I am 22 and that I still have to write my life, that there are chances it might get better, because future is unknown and I am not an optimistic person, but there's the time to do so.
To get over it for a while, I free my mind with all the stupid interests I have: I listen to music, read about something, write stuff, whatever and then I move on. It's a great way to put away the bad vibes and get back on track.

ZeoStar October 4th, 2022 9:24 AM

I have felt revigorated today.

Could be attributed to better sleep or change of season, but it's like a new feeling of life. I'm grateful for it.

Megan October 9th, 2022 8:52 PM

Lonely, depressed and stuck in an every ongoing loop of my day to day life; that's what's going on and what's pulling me down at the moment. And that doesn't even consider the ongoing doom and gloom that's going on in the world right now.

Fact Checking Gardevoir October 9th, 2022 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10558070)
Lonely, depressed and stuck in an every ongoing loop of my day to day life; that's what's going on and what's pulling me down at the moment. And that doesn't even consider the ongoing doom and gloom that's going on in the world right now.

Sorry to hear that. I wish for you to feel better soon, Megan.

VisionofMilotic October 20th, 2022 9:23 PM

I hope that everyone is doing well. I was reading a self-improvement book recently that had an exercise in it that I found helpful.

Identify someone or something in your life currently that you enjoy/feel grateful for, and then imagine if it was taken away from you suddenly. It could be a friend for example, lover, family member, pet, your home, school, job, health, mental capabilities.

I think that it's an interesting question, because even if you are not happy with your situation or with yourself, it's still a constructive way of thinking that can help you to appreciate what you do have, and relish those moments while they are there.

I thought of my mother, and was glad that she's still with me. She and I chatter like parrots every day. For somebody else it may be a different thought that comes to mind, but usually there is something when we stop to think about it. I wanted to share this tip with the mental health club in case others could use it when they're having a rough time.

Neon Pink October 24th, 2022 2:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VisionofMilotic (Post 10563346)
I hope that everyone is doing well. I was reading a self-improvement book recently that had an exercise in it that I found helpful.

Identify someone or something in your life currently that you enjoy/feel grateful for, and then imagine if it was taken away from you suddenly. It could be a friend for example, lover, family member, pet, your home, school, job, health, mental capabilities.

I think that it's an interesting question, because even if you are not happy with your situation or with yourself, it's still a constructive way of thinking that can help you to appreciate what you do have, and relish those moments while they are there.

I thought of my mother, and was glad that she's still with me. She and I chatter like parrots every day. For somebody else it may be a different thought that comes to mind, but usually there is something when we stop to think about it. I wanted to share this tip with the mental health club in case others could use it when they're having a rough time.

Wow. This is...helpful. I mean, I have a roof over my head at night, and I can still walk/talk/breathe/etc. I have my day-hab, but these days, that place could be a hit or miss. I have "some" musical talent. And finally, my dad. Even though we don't talk as much as we used to, we still have unconditional love and understanding. I was going to rant about something bad in my life just now but....thanks for the small handful of hope Sam. *hugs*

pastelspectre October 25th, 2022 1:14 PM

im doing, okay i think? for the most part. ive been stressed from various things in my life, but i am going on vacation soon so hoping that will help a little. its been hard to even think or focus on my mental health tbh bc i work so much and on my days off the last thing i wanna do is think abt stuff like that, i guess?

Sothis October 25th, 2022 7:29 PM

I have a tumor in my chest, sitting on my airway.
I want it out, but idk if they will. They're booking tests and I'm so frightened. Just...having it in there, not knowing if it's malignant.

Megan October 25th, 2022 8:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10565027)
I have a tumor in my chest, sitting on my airway.
I want it out, but idk if they will. They're booking tests and I'm so frightened. Just...having it in there, not knowing if it's malignant.

So sorry to hear that! We all hope for the best! <3

VisionofMilotic October 26th, 2022 8:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10565027)
I have a tumor in my chest, sitting on my airway.
I want it out, but idk if they will. They're booking tests and I'm so frightened. Just...having it in there, not knowing if it's malignant.

I understand being afraid, I had a tumor-related scare for a loved one in 2020. They discovered that my mother had one in the sinus area. It was not malignant, thank goodness, and I am hoping for the same outcome for you, my partner and friend, and that you get all the medical care and support you need. I'm giving you a hug too!

https://i.postimg.cc/wTt3kWvJ/tumblr-psn2v4wx2-Q1useuheo1-500.png

Fact Checking Gardevoir October 27th, 2022 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10565027)
I have a tumor in my chest, sitting on my airway.
I want it out, but idk if they will. They're booking tests and I'm so frightened. Just...having it in there, not knowing if it's malignant.

I am sorry to hear that, Sandalphon...
Best wishes for things to get well for you as soon as possible!

WillowHallows666 October 27th, 2022 6:51 PM

Honestly this community is so much better than Relic Castle mainly cause when i tried to talk about my mental health during the time in their discord server i immediately got told to stop…

Side note: Honestly the feedback here for my project has been really good (I’ve had some really bad feedback i didn’t like like “oh don't be edgy” or “oh this offends that maybe don’t do that” which makes me want to just..scrap the thing all together..)

colours October 27th, 2022 7:47 PM

i hate myself. a lot. and i dont feel like i belong anywhere, including here.

alas.

Sheep October 27th, 2022 9:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10565836)
Honestly this community is so much better than Relic Castle mainly cause when i tried to talk about my mental health during the time in their discord server i immediately got told to stop…

Side note: Honestly the feedback here for my project has been really good (I’ve had some really bad feedback i didn’t like like “oh don't be edgy” or “oh this offends that maybe don’t do that” which makes me want to just..scrap the thing all together..)

I'm really sorry about your experience. Life and mental health can be so hard. I've been struggling with anxiety and overthinking for a very long time too and can understand the stress, it is honestly just awful sometimes. Hope it improves for you soon. <3

Quote:

Originally Posted by colours (Post 10565872)
i hate myself. a lot. and i dont feel like i belong anywhere, including here.

alas.

hugs!!

WillowHallows666 October 27th, 2022 9:24 PM

1 Attachment(s)
Thanks i just don't like when people advise me things like “don't do a religious worldview cause its offensive” because i’m just sat here like”well what else am i freaking supposed to do besides like i need help with things and yet you just like decide to point out things ya know Dont do this don't do that heck on reddit one user decided to point out like my grammer

Attachment 103502

This just feedback bought me to tears and just made me feel like my project wasn’t good enough with the effort input into my project so it’s difficult to find people that just don’t give negative feedback in a way.

Like i felt like just scrapping the whole thing due to this and i don't really enjoy negative feedback like the fact they pointed out my grammar like that is just mean.

Fact Checking Gardevoir October 29th, 2022 2:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10565836)
Honestly this community is so much better than Relic Castle mainly cause when i tried to talk about my mental health during the time in their discord server i immediately got told to stop…

Side note: Honestly the feedback here for my project has been really good (I’ve had some really bad feedback i didn’t like like “oh don't be edgy” or “oh this offends that maybe don’t do that” which makes me want to just..scrap the thing all together..)

I am happy to hear it is going well for you on PokéCommunity! I agree with you here, there are better ways to point typos, punctuation, ... than in this post you showed.
Again, best of luck with your project!

Quote:

Originally Posted by colours (Post 10565872)
i hate myself. a lot. and i dont feel like i belong anywhere, including here.

alas.

Sorry to hear you feel this way... You do belong here, and we are happy to have you with us on PokéCommunity.
*Hug*

WillowHallows666 October 29th, 2022 6:53 AM

1 Attachment(s)
I really hate how they always say or try to tell me to avoid the freaking religious route like it makes me just want to cry because I hate that type of feedback so much

Like on the relic castle version of the comic it was like “oh its incoherent worldbuilding or offensive” - like thats not freaking helpful to me besides maybe realise some people have a different perspective than you…

Arcaneum October 29th, 2022 6:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10566337)
I really hate how they always say or try to tell me to avoid the freaking religious route like it makes me just want to cry because I hate that type of feedback so much

Like on the relic castle version of the comic it was like “oh its incoherent worldbuilding or offensive” - like thats not freaking helpful to me besides maybe realise some people have a different perspective than you…

In this instance I really do think the critique is somewhat valid. They've advised why it's to avoid doing something and then in the event you wish to pursue it, tried to give a compromise.

Just saying because I think that due to the actual bad experience you've been having, everything is starting to feel like an attack now. It may even be good to just take a break from that for now and maybe focus on something else - more things for your project for example! - to come back to things with maybe a clearer head, as you've not had to deal with it.

WillowHallows666 October 29th, 2022 7:08 PM

I know it’s just my mental health hasn’t been that great besides i’m only doing this project for fun and stuff so like ya know i don’t know how to respond to that type of feedback.

Like I may be creative with my ideas but that typw of feedback/criticism i don’t know how to respond to that.

I’m not trying to sound mean or anything ya know - i just hate that i can’t handle negative feedback die to my freaking autism (yeah i don't really give myself self-care or love)

WillowHallows666 October 30th, 2022 8:45 PM

Ok sort of updates:

1. Only gonna take the feedback that actually helps me in a way
2. I sort of got the offensive thing but like for the wendigo pokemon i did (though it is mostly based on winter wendigos from Until Dawn crossed with a fan-art depiction of one) which got me upset but i’m sort of ok now in a sense
3. I’m gonna try asking for design ideas this time so that i don’t end up with something that makes me upset and focus on like i said - feedback that helps

My mental health is still meh though but i’ve been talking with friends and family and they support whatever I do so ya know could be better days.

Retek November 19th, 2022 6:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10566977)
Ok sort of updates:

Spoiler:
1. Only gonna take the feedback that actually helps me in a way
2. I sort of got the offensive thing but like for the wendigo pokemon i did (though it is mostly based on winter wendigos from Until Dawn crossed with a fan-art depiction of one) which got me upset but i’m sort of ok now in a sense
3. I’m gonna try asking for design ideas this time so that i don’t end up with something that makes me upset and focus on like i said - feedback that helps

My mental health is still meh though but i’ve been talking with friends and family and they support whatever I do so ya know could be better days.

I'm glad you're taking steps regarding the feedback you get. People sometimes go really far with those, often not understanding how it affects the person asking for them and rather looking on them as someone to dump their "wisdom" on.

I'm also glad to hear that your family is supporting you, that's really sweet!

I'll pray that you feel better though, if you need someone to talk to feel free to hit me up yeah? :)

Fact Checking Gardevoir November 19th, 2022 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10566977)
Ok sort of updates:

1. Only gonna take the feedback that actually helps me in a way
2. I sort of got the offensive thing but like for the wendigo pokemon i did (though it is mostly based on winter wendigos from Until Dawn crossed with a fan-art depiction of one) which got me upset but i’m sort of ok now in a sense
3. I’m gonna try asking for design ideas this time so that i don’t end up with something that makes me upset and focus on like i said - feedback that helps

My mental health is still meh though but i’ve been talking with friends and family and they support whatever I do so ya know could be better days.

I am happy to hear you are feeling better and better. Best wishes for it to keep getting better!

WillowHallows666 November 20th, 2022 2:08 PM

Yeah they’ve always been supportive of anything I do really so that helps me push on with my creations.

Right like a few times it got me close to quitting my project but i didn’t thankfully plus i love my creations so much and what i’m doing with my project because my ideas are strong with what i’m doing with it so ya know when people say those types of things it’s like “ok but you really shouldn’t speak for other communities it’s rude and insensitive in a way”

I try and ask for help and look for feedback from people that don’t like try and speak for other communities - like i can see why they’d say things but at the same time it’s best not to speak for a community unless you’re part of said community in a way.

Anyways,thanks for the wishes and prayers!!

Retek November 23rd, 2022 9:45 AM

I wanna cry. I just wanna cry. I'm tired. Of everything. I'm tired and I hate it.

Fact Checking Gardevoir November 23rd, 2022 1:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Retek (Post 10576068)
I wanna cry. I just wanna cry. I'm tired. Of everything. I'm tired and I hate it.

Sorry to hear that, Retek... We are with you. *Big hug*

WillowHallows666 November 28th, 2022 8:28 PM

Update 2: My mental health is worst,ive started to have headaches and nausea plus i’m trying to have fun with pokemon and completing the dex but as ive posted recently i’m starting to give up on it so i just don’t feel like continuing the game.

Havent had the energy to do anything really because some random person added stressful scenarios to a roleplay we are doing and it makes me feel like i can’t have fun anymore

Retek November 28th, 2022 9:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10578145)
Update 2: My mental health is worst,ive started to have headaches and nausea plus i’m trying to have fun with pokemon and completing the dex but as ive posted recently i’m starting to give up on it so i just don’t feel like continuing the game.

Havent had the energy to do anything really because some random person added stressful scenarios to a roleplay we are doing and it makes me feel like i can’t have fun anymore

Aww, that really sounds awful. :(

hug

Say, what do you like to do? Maybe you can pursue a hobby, or get a new one? The mind feels fresh when we do what we enjoy. :)

That said, if you need to talk about stuff, shoot a DM here okay? ^^

Wishing you feel better soon!

WillowHallows666 November 28th, 2022 9:51 PM

I honestly love drawing more than anything - mostly bout my Original Character because i love developing her and giving her lots of new outfits speaking of that - need to design a villain vibe type of outfit for her inspired by like the spider legs on clothin idea one friend gave me and medusa from soul eater.

I know i want to add goth and necromancer vibes but idk how.

Retek November 28th, 2022 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10578186)
I honestly love drawing more than anything - mostly bout my Original Character because i love developing her and giving her lots of new outfits speaking of that - need to design a villain vibe type of outfit for her inspired by like the spider legs on clothin idea one friend gave me and medusa from soul eater.

I know i want to add goth and necromancer vibes but idk how.

Oh nice! Well, practice makes perfect!

I too wanna draw but I don't get time for that at all lol!

WillowHallows666 November 28th, 2022 10:31 PM

I see!! Well hopefully I can figure out something because i really wanna draw it sometime but havent had chance to think of a good idea for it so!

Retek November 29th, 2022 1:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10578192)
I see!! Well hopefully I can figure out something because i really wanna draw it sometime but havent had chance to think of a good idea for it so!

If you do come up with something, I would love to see it! :)

WillowHallows666 November 29th, 2022 11:42 AM

Will do - though update on the koraidon thing: still no luck and honestly i just need it for the dex…

It makes me feel like giving up again seriously im starting to just breakdown knowing i wont get it anyways for the dex

Retek November 29th, 2022 8:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10578348)
Will do - though update on the koraidon thing: still no luck and honestly i just need it for the dex…

It makes me feel like giving up again seriously im starting to just breakdown knowing i wont get it anyways for the dex

hug

Feel better. :)

WillowHallows666 November 29th, 2022 9:15 PM

A little thanks - i just want to complete my dex but its so difficult like i understand if they don’t want to trade it but still some people need to complete the dex too fr

Sheep November 30th, 2022 11:13 PM

Does anyone here have TMJ issues? I developed jaw clicking on my left side when opening my mouth a few months ago after using a nasal mist (and probably tensing my jaw without realizing?) and suddenly keep thinking about it. No pain or anything usually and no one else can hear it/it's not picked up on recordings. I know the vast majority of cases stay stable or improve over time but I worry it will get worse after doing TMJ googling. Having an easily-anxious personality that catastrophizes things is so exhausting, even if I understand people sharing their horrible experiences with health stuff are the odd ones out since most others get better and don't bother talking about it online lol. :x

Hyzenthlay December 3rd, 2022 11:58 PM

Had such a scare on Friday. I really don't know how I keep myself from falling apart when everything else around me seems to be. I guess I'm just programmed that way because of the role I grew up with. But people mistake that as being easy. It's never been easy, yet I somehow carry on, for their sake.

This song speaks so truthfully for people in my shoes, so much that I can't listen to it with my siblings around because it makes me cry lol


ZeoStar December 4th, 2022 4:20 PM

Not jaw related, but my throat will go completely numb when dealing with bad anxiety.

Makes it difficult to or drink eat anything. This isn't happening frequently anymore (thankfully).

Arcaneum December 5th, 2022 1:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10578348)
Will do - though update on the koraidon thing: still no luck and honestly i just need it for the dex…

It makes me feel like giving up again seriously im starting to just breakdown knowing i wont get it anyways for the dex

It's worth remembering that with it being Pokémon, that trade is almost DEFINITELY going to come up in the future, but also that in reality it is something fairly inconsequential; like the world isn't over if you don't have that dex completed right this second! Have you considered asking for a touch trade already, just so it's in the dex, or maybe someone who actually might swap for the other box legend? As much as you do want it for yor Dex, you have to remember that other people also want to keep it for theirs and there's no obligation to be helping someone completing their Pokedex by giving prized Pokémon away!

I think it'll be not long before people do decide to start giving it away or such anyway, so I'm sure it will come up soon. If you want just the entry though, have you considered popping into the trade channel on our Discord server? It's fairly active and I'm sure someone would be happy to trade it over to help you complete the Dex - just shout if you want an invite :)

Retek December 5th, 2022 9:20 AM

I feel like a fucking failure, because I am a failure.

Sometimes I wished I never existed...

Sweet Serenity December 5th, 2022 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Retek (Post 10580583)
I feel like a fucking failure, because I am a failure.

Sometimes I wished I never existed...

No, you're not a failure.

Here is a free hug

snuggles ☺️

WillowHallows666 December 5th, 2022 1:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arcaneum (Post 10580425)
It's worth remembering that with it being Pokémon, that trade is almost DEFINITELY going to come up in the future, but also that in reality it is something fairly inconsequential; like the world isn't over if you don't have that dex completed right this second! Have you considered asking for a touch trade already, just so it's in the dex, or maybe someone who actually might swap for the other box legend? As much as you do want it for yor Dex, you have to remember that other people also want to keep it for theirs and there's no obligation to be helping someone completing their Pokedex by giving prized Pokémon away!

I think it'll be not long before people do decide to start giving it away or such anyway, so I'm sure it will come up soon. If you want just the entry though, have you considered popping into the trade channel on our Discord server? It's fairly active and I'm sure someone would be happy to trade it over to help you complete the Dex - just shout if you want an invite :)



Key note here: I did have two threads on this asking for the dex entry stuff but no one really answered.

I would try the discord server but i’m unsure if it’s ok to even ask in there considering the last time i went into a Pokémon community server (Relic Castle) it wasn’t the best experience so i don’t know if i should even ask in there really..

Plus um i surprise traded the other miradon because like i didn’t know what to do soooo..

Megan December 5th, 2022 9:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Retek (Post 10580583)
I feel like a fucking failure, because I am a failure.

Sometimes I wished I never existed...

Sad to hear. Rest assured that we think otherwise! :D
*hugs*
Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10580656)
Plus um i surprise traded the other miradon because like i didn’t know what to do soooo..

I think touch trading is still a good option for you. There are a lot of other Pokemon others are still looking for, too. Like starters or trade evolutions.

Back in Moon I actually managed to get a large portion of my Pokedex done by throwing a bunch of Haunters into the GTS because I knew people really wanted to get their hands on a Gengar.
That doesn't mean that Haunter in particular is the way to go. You could do the same with Scyther holding a Metal Coat, for example. What I want to say: you still have options!

And I get that you're afraid of joining Discord Servers. Maybe it helps just DMing with some people you already know and maybe some time later they can help you get around the actual server?

Retek December 10th, 2022 8:21 AM

What I wouldn't give to have the final year of my school life erased from my brain.

I hate this year. I hate it so fucking much. Just filled to the brim with trauma and reminders of the fucking failure that I have been reduced to with constant shortcomings.

Seriously, confidence is a huge thing, and I have none, NONE OF IT, AT ALL.

A person can make fun of me for no fucking reason and I would believe all their words about me to be true.

Even now, just thinking about it, thinking about my failures, make me go into an anxiety trip.

And fuck this, I hope I never get reminded of this year in my entire fucking life. I hate it, I hate it, I FUCKING HATE IT. Fuck you, final year of high school.

Just fuck you.

Nah December 10th, 2022 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Retek (Post 10582073)
What I wouldn't give to have the final year of my school life erased from my brain.

I hate this year. I hate it so fucking much. Just filled to the brim with trauma and reminders of the fucking failure that I have been reduced to with constant shortcomings.

Seriously, confidence is a huge thing, and I have none, NONE OF IT, AT ALL.

A person can make fun of me for no fucking reason and I would believe all their words about me to be true.

Even now, just thinking about it, thinking about my failures, make me go into an anxiety trip.

And fuck this, I hope I never get reminded of this year in my entire fucking life. I hate it, I hate it, I FUCKING HATE IT. Fuck you, final year of high school.

Just fuck you.

What exactly is it that you feel you are failing at?

Retek December 10th, 2022 6:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nah (Post 10582120)
What exactly is it that you feel you are failing at?

Exams, no matter how much I try. I'm... done with trying now. It's especially heart breaking when I was in the few students this year that got the gold medal for scoring 80% above GPA. This year is just, despair in its entirety.

Nah December 10th, 2022 8:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Retek (Post 10582175)
Exams, no matter how much I try. I'm... done with trying now. It's especially heart breaking when I was in the few students this year that got the gold medal for scoring 80% above GPA. This year is just, despair in its entirety.

Don't bother basing your self-worth on your grades. I can't claim I know what India's culture is like, and you're talking to some rando drunk bitch right now, but like....

Society places so much emphasis on shit that doesn't matter, and shit that just supports absolutely toxic nonsense. People will give you shit for this and that, but are they really right? Are they not the ones who are wrong?

Retek December 10th, 2022 8:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nah (Post 10582187)
Don't bother basing your self-worth on your grades. I can't claim I know what India's culture is like, and you're talking to some rando drunk bitch right now, but like....

Society places so much emphasis on shit that doesn't matter, and shit that just supports absolutely toxic nonsense. People will give you shit for this and that, but are they really right? Are they not the ones who are wrong?

IDK who is right or who is wrong, what I know is that being a scorer for the past 10 years in this school, it really hurts when you're struggling like this. Gives zero meaning to try again, because deep down I know what it's gonna be like.

I study, I sit in the exam room, and anxiety kicks in and I start to forget everything.

Every. Single. Time.

Starlight December 12th, 2022 9:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Retek (Post 10582818)
...

First of all, as your friend, you are not scum, you are not the worst person on the planet, and I sincerely hope you don't mean that about wanting to die. You have your whole life ahead of you, and things will get better. It might not seem like it now, but life is precious, and so very short.

As a moderator, I will not let some of the language used slide. It's not fair to shout at people trying to help you, and certainly isn't acceptable to call people slurs, no matter how hurt you are. Another wrong will never make a right. I am not going to delete your post for now because this is not my section, but I'm spoilering it and removing the slur. I will let the clubhouse team take it from there.

You are going through a tough time right now and I understand. My teen years were the worst time of my life. I nearly didn't make it past them, but I scraped through and even though life isn't easy, the good times, the tiny glimmers of hope, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, make it all worth while. You need to survive the tough times to make it to the good ones, and they are worth all of the suffering, I promise, but you can't attack others to make your own pain go away, not only will it not work, but it's not fair on everyone else.

Retek December 12th, 2022 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlight (Post 10582852)
First of all...

I'm sorry, something really, really bad happened today which made my anxiety shoot up. It felt like I couldn't breathe.

All of that was written in instinct, with stress that was bottled in for months.

I had to go lie down for a good while to get some of the stress down due to which I was shaking.

That said, I have no excuse for shouting on others. It was the one thing I didn't want to happen, but it got out nonetheless. 😔

I'm sorry PC staff, I let you down. :(
I accept whatever the mods decide for me.

Ninetales December 12th, 2022 11:47 PM

I would like to reiterate what Starlight has already said. There was absolutely no reason to make such a post, regardless of whether or not you intended to delete it. Language like that is not admissible here or anywhere on the else forum. I know that you are fully aware of that. The clubhouse is meant to be a safe space, and posts such as the one you have made are completely inappropriate and unacceptable, as you have infringed upon the comfort and safety of others.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to discuss a hard time in your life or vent, we are all here to offer you support. However, the way in which you expressed yourself does not align with the guidelines implemented in this server. There are healthier ways of communicating, and swearing incessantly whilst tossing around slurs is again, intolerable and distasteful.

I truly do hope that things do get better for you, however you must be cognizant of the fact that behaviour such as what you have displayed will not be accepted in any way, shape, or form. I’m wishing you the very best, and I implore you to be more mindful of the words you use and the way in which you interact with others on this forum.

Retek December 13th, 2022 1:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ninetales (Post 10582874)
I would like to reiterate what Starlight has already said...

I understand. I regret losing control again and I accept responsibility. Will do my best not to let it happen again. 😔

Sorry, everyone.

Sothis December 13th, 2022 3:03 PM

Cycle 2 of chemo down, 4 to go.
I hate it, it makes me sick and gives horrible side effects. I often wonder if I can mentally deal with it.
Having cancer itself gives me grief, I always ask "why me?"

Megan December 13th, 2022 9:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10583116)
Cycle 2 of chemo down, 4 to go.
I hate it, it makes me sick and gives horrible side effects. I often wonder if I can mentally deal with it.
Having cancer itself gives me grief, I always ask "why me?"

I'm so sorry that you have to go through that process. :(

Sheep December 14th, 2022 9:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10583116)
Cycle 2 of chemo down, 4 to go.
I hate it, it makes me sick and gives horrible side effects. I often wonder if I can mentally deal with it.
Having cancer itself gives me grief, I always ask "why me?"

I'm so sorry, I admire you more than you know. It is a huge struggle to go through this and very understandable to be frustrated and asking why it had to be you. I really hope you get better soon. <3

Fact Checking Gardevoir December 15th, 2022 12:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10583116)
Cycle 2 of chemo down, 4 to go.
I hate it, it makes me sick and gives horrible side effects. I often wonder if I can mentally deal with it.
Having cancer itself gives me grief, I always ask "why me?"

So sorry for you, Sandalphon...
All our thoughts are with you. Best wishes for you to get better as soon as possible.
*Hug*

Starlight December 15th, 2022 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10583116)
Cycle 2 of chemo down, 4 to go.
I hate it, it makes me sick and gives horrible side effects. I often wonder if I can mentally deal with it.
Having cancer itself gives me grief, I always ask "why me?"

Chemo is some of the most vile stuff known to humanity, I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I know it's impossibly hard, but please try to stay as positive as you can, and don't give it any free wins. Soon you will look back on how brave and strong you were as you kicked it's ass to kingdom come <3

Starlight December 15th, 2022 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sheep (Post 10578933)
Does anyone here have TMJ issues? I developed jaw clicking on my left side when opening my mouth a few months ago after using a nasal mist (and probably tensing my jaw without realizing?) and suddenly keep thinking about it. No pain or anything usually and no one else can hear it/it's not picked up on recordings. I know the vast majority of cases stay stable or improve over time but I worry it will get worse after doing TMJ googling. Having an easily-anxious personality that catastrophizes things is so exhausting, even if I understand people sharing their horrible experiences with health stuff are the odd ones out since most others get better and don't bother talking about it online lol. :x

I do yes! If you're not getting pain then try to keep it that way, trust me! So no making irregular movements with your jaw (biting lips, cheeks etc or clenching your teeth) and also be careful with anything that puts pressure on the joint such as headphones. You may also find that inflammatory foods etc can make it worse - mine really doesn't like dairy.

If you look up exercises online then I highly recommend the ones that focus on the jaw going up and down in a straight motion, those are the only ones the hospital gave me that ever worked.

WillowHallows666 December 16th, 2022 4:25 PM

1 Attachment(s)
So mental health update…again:

Great to know that i can’t trace for art for my own project because some people still consider it bad..

For context i was drawing this: Attachment 103992

And appearantly some people went ‘don’t trace it’s bad especially if you don’t credit the artist’

It just made me feel like quitting art…or just Pokémon art in general because how am i supposed to draw body shapes and shit especially when i try and use shapes to help with the body as well as paradox Pokémon i want to draw!

(I’m not trying to be guilt-trippy her i was that close to shutting down my art stuff from what they said)

Megan December 17th, 2022 7:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowHallows666 (Post 10584298)
So mental health update…again:

Great to know that i can’t trace for art for my own project because some people still consider it bad..

And appearantly some people went ‘don’t trace it’s bad especially if you don’t credit the artist’

It just made me feel like quitting art…or just Pokémon art in general because how am i supposed to draw body shapes and shit especially when i try and use shapes to help with the body as well as paradox Pokémon i want to draw!

(I’m not trying to be guilt-trippy her i was that close to shutting down my art stuff from what they said)

For most people it's a combination of learning some basic (abstract) anatomy and using pictures as references. That is, they don't trace over them. Instead they try to envision the referenced thing on the picture as a bunch of shapes and then try to replicate that on the canvas.

Art can be very hard. As someone who's spend 20 years trying to become less bad at drawing I can assure you that much. But no matter how good or bad someone may be: it all comes down to people trying to express themselves. If it makes you happy then you probably shouldn't stop. :)

WillowHallows666 December 17th, 2022 9:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10584540)
For most people it's a combination of learning some basic (abstract) anatomy and using pictures as references. That is, they don't trace over them. Instead they try to envision the referenced thing on the picture as a bunch of shapes and then try to replicate that on the canvas.

Art can be very hard. As someone who's spend 20 years trying to become less bad at drawing I can assure you that much. But no matter how good or bad someone may be: it all comes down to people trying to express themselves. If it makes you happy then you probably shouldn't stop. :)

My college never really helped me with my art or anything i wanted to do with art - they had the whole module thing and taught me things i wasn’t interested in with art so i left and i’m having to self teach myself art at this point. So ya know not easy think to that fact it makes me regret going to college even because like everyone expects me to learn the same thing the other students learn when i’m not interested in it.

Starlight December 29th, 2022 1:25 AM

Like many of us, I find this time of year to be quite tough at times. I just want to wish all of you happy holidays and all the best for 2023, it's gonna be a great year <3

VisionofMilotic January 10th, 2023 3:00 AM

Hi everyone,

I hope 2023 is a good year that brings everybody good mental and physical wellbeing. I am here to make a post that includes resources that may be helpful to members if they are going through a crisis. There are emergency contact numbers and websites in the link below where you can potentially get expert advice and solutions. Help is available is many countries around the world, and for several types of struggles.

https://checkpointorg.com/global/

The Mental health club will always be here for all of us as a source of comfort where different perspectives are exchanged as you tell your story, listen to the words of others and work together to support one another emotionally. But because it's not a replacer for professional help at the end of the day, i have added the contact information of the actual professionals too, if what you or someone you know is fighting is beyond the scope of help you can get in the club, so that you are armed with the best tools.

Stay safe and warm guys, sending my love to you all.

Sothis January 10th, 2023 11:13 AM

Tmi under here

Spoiler:
Earlier this afternoon, I vomited for like 10 mins straight, nearly nonstop. I still have pain where it lifted my hernia. God I hate chemo


It's stressful ;;

Sweet Serenity January 10th, 2023 8:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10593403)
Tmi under here

Spoiler:
Earlier this afternoon, I vomited for like 10 mins straight, nearly nonstop. I still have pain where it lifted my hernia. God I hate chemo


It's stressful ;;

Things will definitely get better for you

hugs 🤗

Megan January 10th, 2023 9:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10593403)
Tmi under here

Spoiler:
Earlier this afternoon, I vomited for like 10 mins straight, nearly nonstop. I still have pain where it lifted my hernia. God I hate chemo


It's stressful ;;

That sounds rough. :(
Let's hope you'll make a quick recovery! <3

Sothis January 11th, 2023 12:23 PM

Thanks everyone ;;

It's just so miserable when it happens. You have no control, it just happens. That's what I dislike most.

Fact Checking Gardevoir January 11th, 2023 1:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10593403)
Tmi under here

Spoiler:
Earlier this afternoon, I vomited for like 10 mins straight, nearly nonstop. I still have pain where it lifted my hernia. God I hate chemo


It's stressful ;;

Sorry to hear that, Sandalphon... I hope the worst is behind now.
*Hug*
Our thoughs are with you.

Ninetales January 14th, 2023 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10593403)
Tmi under here

Spoiler:
Earlier this afternoon, I vomited for like 10 mins straight, nearly nonstop. I still have pain where it lifted my hernia. God I hate chemo


It's stressful ;;

I’m so sorry, love. We are all here to support you through these troubling times. <3 You’re so strong, you’ve got this!

Mintaka☆ January 14th, 2023 3:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandalphon (Post 10593403)
Tmi under here

Spoiler:
Earlier this afternoon, I vomited for like 10 mins straight, nearly nonstop. I still have pain where it lifted my hernia. God I hate chemo


It's stressful ;;

That's horrible! Really hope your recovery is going much more smoothly now. We all know it's not easy, but we're all with you on this!

Sheep February 9th, 2023 3:25 AM

Many hugs to you @Sandalphon <3 I'm so sorry.

My mental health has been pretty poor this week. Just constantly overthinking and every little health issue makes me think it's some horrendous thing. Tired of getting knots in my stomach all the time.

ZeoStar February 20th, 2023 4:40 AM

Tomorrow will be the date of anniversary for my dad's passing. I don't like the word, however it's not easy thinking of a more fitting term.

It's not fun being without a parent, especially on reminders like this. I find it even more harrowing as I've gotten older and became more aware of the circumstances surrounding his death. I hope that anybody who is struggling with mental health here can seek a healthy outlet or find solace through professional help. My dad could not find that comfort in his life.

Despite him being gone, his flowers he had taken care of bloomed a beautiful pink color.



Goodbye Dad.


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