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Starlight January 30th, 2022 4:00 AM

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Originally Posted by Eleanor (Post 10462206)
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Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10462227)
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Originally Posted by Hyzenthlay (Post 10462228)
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Originally Posted by VisionofMilotic (Post 10462752)
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Originally Posted by Fairy (Post 10463159)
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Originally Posted by ZeoStar (Post 10463710)
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I just want to say thank you to all of you. I am a bit too overwhelmed right now to make detailed replies to you all at this time, but I will do it as soon as I can, either in an update here or via private messages. Seriously, I can't thank you all enough 😭❤

Quote:

Originally Posted by tenfrogs (Post 10463581)
C-Can I join?

I put on a very brave front, but I'm struggling quite a bit at the minute. I've just done a year in the UK and got into a relationship over there which ended quite dramatically, and I lost quite a lot of the friends I made there because they were all his friends. Then when I moved back home to Australia all of my old friends have moved on with their lives and have started families, gotten married, into relationships, etc. I feel very very alone most of the time, and it doesn't help that my anxiety has been stopping me from going to the gym and meeting new people.

Spoiler:
I've also stopped smoking weed and drinking during the last year, and while I feel a lot healthier for it, those were my go-to vices for when I was feeling down and depressed. Now, I just sort of sit here and spend money frivolously online and it's really not good for my health or my mental wellbeing.

Welcome Tenille! It's awesome that you have quit those things, and I hope that you can keep the spending under control too. I know all too well how bad comfort shopping can be. I promise not to encourage you to buy all those steam games you don't need 😉

tenfrogs January 30th, 2022 4:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlight (Post 10464034)
[SPOILER]Welcome Tenille! It's awesome that you have quit those things, and I hope that you can keep the spending under control too. I know all too well how bad comfort shopping can be. I promise not to encourage you to buy all those steam games you don't need 😉

Thankyu 😊

Nearly had a baaad day yesterday, mum came over with ginger beer and I immediately thought I'd be right back at square one, but it turns out they were non alcoholic ginger beers and I'm a very happy frog! Nearly been a month without alcohol now, and I'm feeling better than I ever have.

Spoiler:
Has been almost 4 months without marijuana, too. It's amazing how much a change of scenery and a different group of friends can completely impact your life. I'm still feeling rather alone, but this community is helping a lot with that and the fact that I'm learning more about myself and the things I like is helping, too. One day at a time :)


Hope you're feeling okay Starlight ♥ and thank you for the game-buying discouragement, I'm going to really need it as I've just bought 3 new games on Steam within the last hour D:

Fairy January 30th, 2022 6:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tenfrogs (Post 10464037)
Thankyu 😊

Nearly had a baaad day yesterday, mum came over with ginger beer and I immediately thought I'd be right back at square one, but it turns out they were non alcoholic ginger beers and I'm a very happy frog! Nearly been a month without alcohol now, and I'm feeling better than I ever have.

Spoiler:
Has been almost 4 months without marijuana, too. It's amazing how much a change of scenery and a different group of friends can completely impact your life. I'm still feeling rather alone, but this community is helping a lot with that and the fact that I'm learning more about myself and the things I like is helping, too. One day at a time :)


Hope you're feeling okay Starlight ♥ and thank you for the game-buying discouragement, I'm going to really need it as I've just bought 3 new games on Steam within the last hour D:

Welcome to the club and congratulations! A month is fantastic, you should be super proud of yourself! Same with any other substance. :)

Mmm, your brain is still reeling for a dopamine release of some kind to replace the rush. Super normal for this point in your sobriety, so don’t feel too guilty about it. It took about a year before I was chemically balanced again. Just relax and use the same restraint you use everyday to combat that desire to spend!

Hyzenthlay January 31st, 2022 3:11 AM

Thank you all. <3 I'm quite proud of myself - I didn't do any harm, so don't worry. That massive bout of depression/despair has "settled" into high stress and anxiety but I'm on a healthier trajectory now, at least. :) One thing I actually like about myself is that I can bounce back really fast under the right circumstances. In this case it was "virtually" falling into my boyfriend's warm, loving arms. He somehow makes me laugh even when I'm at my very worst. He's truly my lifeline during these moments.

While I don't think issues like this should be stigmatised/hidden, I deleted my post out of privacy.

By the way, to anyone who sometimes has toxic thoughts overpower them: draw those thoughts/feelings. Even if it's just an angry black squiggle. By drawing out my urges to self-harm, I quelled them just enough to stop it from actually happening. Free-drawing this way can be quite cathartic. I've drawn a number of my traumas.

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@Fairy you hit the nail on the head - I have little to no control over so many aspects of my life, and that can drive anyone mad. The worst part is, I don't even have the control to do something about my lack of control! All I can do is the bare minimum; just slog on with my degree and hope new opportunities open up to me (in positive ways. I'm tired of big change only occurring after awful things happen). My struggle along the way is avoiding my triggers. I have PTSD and a lot of triggers. :(

@Megan I'm very grateful for this community because I genuinely feel like I can entrust the people here with my feelings, and be listened to. So thankfully I do have people in my life I can go to in times of need, it can just feel like the opposite when I'm devastated, like the whole world's against me, so I tend to forget that. I suppose a lot of us do.

@ZeoStar, you're absolutely right. These is still a stigma around seeking help in many places, since a lot of people don't understand how much strength and courage it takes to divulge one's deepest pain, worst secrets, life traumas. I imagine in cases as devastating as school shootings, the shock alone is a big factor. Sometimes it's like being trapped in time and we just clam up and keep things frozen. The brain's defence mechanisms against trauma are varied and fascinating. It seems mine is to wall off my memories until my brain receives a trigger.

VisionofMilotic February 1st, 2022 5:51 AM

I like this direction that the conversation has been going in recently, seeing the strong support for others and kindness inhabiting this space, and reading about constructive ways of dealing with different problems.

I am inspired by Hyzenthlay's suggestion to draw images of what is on your mind, when you're feeling troubled. I will have to give that one a try next time I am feeling blue. I usually color in different prints of mandalas, things that are more abstract and tranquil, but it could be good to let it all out and draw something really different put the feelings to pictures!

I think it would be nice to keep cool, creative ideas like that coming. So I am going to post it as a topic question, I don't think our club owner will mind :)

Share a coping mechanism!

For me listening to music can change my mood, oddly it's not necessarily peaceful, bubbly or romantic music that is the most helpful to me if I am downcast. That tends have the best impact on me when I am on the upswing, I try to listen to music that matches my mood at the time. When I am unhappy I find that music that's actually moody, angry, melancholy or self-depricating can be my release. It might not work for everyone, for me it's cathartic, the things that weighed me down all are channeled into the song and I am better off, like a weight has been taken off my shoulders, and can onto a better state. Emilie Autumn's music and writings are my go-to.

Megan February 1st, 2022 1:11 PM

Very dark thoughts warning, I suppose.
Spoiler:

It's been kinda rough lately. I suppose the "season of love" also kinda adds to my current situation. That and the fact that I'm currently feeling isolated again. Not too long ago I had a lot more interactions with a certain person. But of course them having their own problems they need to attend to results in that not being a thing anymore. But that's also partly due to the dynamics changing. Imagine being on staff and you have one person you talk to a lot but then that person leaves and the others are simply not up to it.

Anyway, one recurring thing in my life is that "outsider view" I have on my life. I'm basically just watching a movie that's supposed to be my life. My own influence on my actions always seems very limited. Often times I'm not even aware that I can do certain things. They never seem like a logical thing to do. Even though, every other person does them no problem.

It's pretty normal for me to watch other people to have fun. On the other hand having fun is something I have a hard time with. Even when others try their hardest it just doesn't happen. It's very stressful often times.
I guess when having fun is no fun then the only way I think I can find meaning is by working...

I have no positive outlook on life. During my 20s I always thought about never wanting to reach 30. When I reached 30 I was very disappointed and ever since I've been hoping things will end at least before the 40s.
There were two times when I had some kind of moment where I was just ready to go. The first one was when I got bullied while waiting for the bus home after school. Another time was during university. We were heading for a meeting in regards to a programming thing. I was the driver but ended up in a minor accident. Afterwards we were just walking a little bit and at that time I had another one of these moments.
The first one got prevented by others, the second one just didn't end up happening. What I learnt is that I'm too much of a coward to do it without one such moment.

Life has never been something I enjoy. Being in the work force doesn't make things better. I get up around 4:30 AM, go to work, work until after 3PM, go home and then I'm too tired to do anything. But even without work I'd just feel useless. I always try to be useful. Not as much as to feel useful, but rather in hopes to find a way to belong somewhere. It's hard for me to feel like I belong. When I do find someone I can talk to regularly that's probably the closest to something being "fun".

Call it abandonment issues, call it "being clingy", but I can be very attached to other people simply because of these things. And I can get very annoying when I get the feeling that I might be losing that; trying all I can to save as much as possible, for better or worse. Some people are just better at letting go, I suppose. ^^"

When people talk about being with their partners and enjoying each others presence and even having a day dedicated to that it just sometimes makes me want to say something inappropriate, be rude, burn some bridges in the process. But of course that's dumb and only contributes to my isolation.

The scary thing isn't the thought of committing suicide. It's the knowledge that I kinda want it; the reality that I'm waiting for such a moment...

Nah February 1st, 2022 1:40 PM

@Meg, I know how you feel on a thing or two you said

Fairy February 1st, 2022 4:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10465087)
Very dark thoughts warning, I suppose.
Spoiler:
The scary thing isn't the thought of committing suicide. It's the knowledge that I kinda want it; the reality that I'm waiting for such a moment...

Spoiler:
I remember feeling this way a lot; knowing that at any point I could just overdose and die. And I just sort of resigned myself to the idea that if it happens, it happens. I was miserable anyway and addicted to so many opiates that if I could just get enough money I could override my tolerance and peacefully slip away.

I’ve been on the precipice too, where you feel yourself go under and your circulatory and respiratory systems slow to a crawl. I wouldn’t call it a near death experience so much as just a bunch of overdoses.. but it’s a feeling I distinctly remember. I was lucky to have someone with me each time to bring me back, but in that darkness I was just so.. fine with it. It’s terrifying to think about now.

Aslan February 9th, 2022 1:02 AM

Replying to the topic above about coping mechanisms:

I find talking it out the most effective coping mechanism. No expectation of solutions or advice, I just think it can be helpful to have someone who cares and listens. Therapy helped. Therapists do this as their job and this helped me detach a bit more from the toxic mentality that opening up was weak to do. It was a double standard I didn't realise that was super toxic to hold myself to. I realised that I would never think negatively of anyone else opening up and that I should respect myself also. I have tried to be more open but it's still difficult, and I would like to stop hiding how I feel because it's not healthy.

I learnt a lot of coping strategies from previous therapy that have helped. At first I won't lie, it was so uncomfortable talking about any type of trauma and having a lot of it resurface through talking about it. But I learnt a lot and some of it, I still use today. I mainly went to help with my ED, depression and hypochondria when I was younger. Everyone's experiences are different and it might take a while to find a good therapist but I think it was helpful. Not an overnight change at all but I did notice things improving after seeing a therapist. I noticed things would relapse without a therapist for the first year or so afterwards but I learnt enough from it to self-manage things somewhat OK. Thinking of going back and also maybe starting medication though as things have been feeling really hard lately. I know everyone's experience with medication is different but it would be interesting to hear how people have found medication helpful for their mental health.

Outside of that, there are a few small coping mechanisms I turn to if things aren't gong well. Music and exercise if I have the energy for it, help me. I like forms of escapism like reading, playing games, watching TV and so on to take my mind off things but if things are super bad and I just don't have an interest in anything, then the first two I mentioned above are the most helpful.

Fairy February 9th, 2022 5:25 PM

So like, I’m not even sure where to post this but I just got some really awful news and I don’t want to just stew in it alone.

Spoiler:
My family is all fucked up. Every single one of us, from every branch of the tree, is currently, has recovered from, or has simply died from alcohol/drug problems or complications related to addiction. This goes back so far that I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the generational trauma.

I just found out an hour ago that my cousin got a liver transplant last Monday. Apparently he had been sick for a while and avoided going to the doctor - but last December his health had gotten so bad that between Christmas and New Years, he gained 65lbs of pure fluid retention because his liver had essentially failed on him. It was cycling toxins in his blood, up to his brain, and just shutting down his whole system. Don’t even ask me how he got to the top of the donor list, let alone how any of this is being paid for with his preexisting conditions - I have no idea.

Now, this comes as no surprise to me because of course alcoholic parents raise children predisposed to alcoholism. He and his brother were already heavy drinkers in high school. His dad (my uncle) is nearly 70, bedridden, wheelchair bound, oxygen dependent, and 600lbs from his own alcohol abuse that isn’t being addressed. And that description is from ten years ago when I last saw him in person. His mother, (my aunt) lost her job as an RN for being drunk on duty.

They are all racing each other to the grave.

My cousin owns a bar. His career, his friendships, his family, his whole life revolves around alcohol. Everything needs to change - if he even fucking survives. Apparently things are very touch and go but as of today he’s lucid and unventilated. And no one saw fit to tell me about this until today. I don’t begrudge that fact 100% because the reality is I can’t do anything for him anyway, but it still hurts. I hate knowing that this is happening to another family member who is so young. I hate that he has two daughters who now have to worry about whether or not their dad’s going to come home, and that those children are, in turn, genetically programmed to follow in those same toxic footsteps.

I hate that I might be going to another funeral soon. I hate alcohol. I hate the grip it had on me and the way it ruined my life and the lives of my relatives. That’s why this cycle is ending with me. This is why I’m NEVER having children. I’m never bringing another life into this world with the genetic baggage that myself and my cousins have to carry. It’s just cruel.

tl;dr - my cousin got a liver transplant two days ago because of his drinking and no one told me about how sick he was and I hate alcohol and I’m never having children and I can’t believe I put my family through the same thing.

CiCi February 9th, 2022 10:46 PM

So I've been seeing this group here and was initially hesitant to join it. I'm not the most open person, though I've been trying to be more open in the past few years. I tend to bottle things up, like putting mentos in a soda and trying to put the cap back on. These days, it feels like everything is the mentos trying to get me to explode.

Quote:

Spoiler:
I've had a lot of issues with depression, anxiety, and some possible bipolar and autism (runs in the family but it's been so long since I've seen a therapist and been evaluated). There are times when I feel on top of the world, and other times where I'm so spent that I have trouble functioning. I've had a few suicidal ideations with no attempts made yet. Minor self-harm incidents. This has been exceedingly difficult to deal with, and happening more manically and frequently, postpartum. I feel like I haven't bonded with my son. Sure, he's cute, I like making him laugh, and when he's not acting up as babies tend to do then he's okay to be around. But mentally, I am struggling with bonding, I'm continuously drowned by thoughts of my traumatic birth story, and I even had a brief stint with booze again for about a month and a half, just boozed off my rocker pretty much all day.

I've dropped the booze, but I have turned back to weed. And I HATE that I feel like I need to take drugs to get my sanity back, but I spent all damn day being a depressed mess and wanting to kill myself, then I took a few hits off my vape and came back to my baseline. It's really annoying to be dependent on weed (or any other drug, to be fair) just to get through my days.

I'll also be incredibly short-fused with my son and any little thing can plummet my day into shit. At the same time, I have days where I'm okay, and even happy to spend time with him and my husband. I've had a few downright heart attacks when my son was a little limp when I pick him up or doesn't wake up right away when I open his bedroom door (he's still half-asleep, and sometimes he's just passed the hell out because he's a baby and babies are sleepy). It's like my senses are on high alert all the time.

Today, my puppy peed on the floor (he's old enough to hold it but sometimes just pees for what seems like no reason whatsoever), and I went ballistic, shouting and cursing and losing it. Every little thing seems to build up to this. I woke up this morning thinking that there was no way I could stand anymore of this.

December of 2018 is what I call the beginning of the death, because that's when I started experiencing quite a bit of loss all at once. In just 2021, my grandmother died and my recently rescued dog passed just a couple months after. All while I was pregnant and terrified of childbirth. 2021 culminated in a horribly traumatic birth ending in emergency C-section. My first surgery, and one you have to do while you're awake. Honestly, I wish I had been knocked out instead. The smell and feeling of the surgery still makes me feel so sick to my stomach. I've had a few "flashback"-style episodes where I zone out in one place and wind up coming back to reality somewhere else without really knowing how I got there. Vague memories of walking or pacing but that's about it. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in about a month or so, but they were terrifying when they did. I hate my scar and how numb it still feels. I hate washing it because it reminds me of what happened and gets my adrenaline pumping.

I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to be able to AT LEAST take care of my son. But I feel like I'm getting my husband to do most of the work. I can do most of the work for a day or two out of the week before it feels like the world falls in around me. I hate this. I feel like I should have never done this and if I don't get my shit together and SOON, my son is gonna be fucked up because of his fucked up mom.

Just... Trying to make it through my life without falling off the cliff I've so precariously perched myself upon.


Megan February 10th, 2022 12:44 AM

I can't really relate to the whole dugs/alcohol stuff because that's not as much of an issue in my family. But I can relate to not wanting children @Fairy

Thing is: my family has a lot of toxic subjects in it. And especially one person in particular fits that bill just a little too much. The problem is that he's pretty hated by my parents (well, my mother now, since my father isn't around anymore). the stupid thing they did during my childhood was whenever they started calling out my behavior by comparing me to him. We barely had money but my parents sure liked to compain about how stingy I was with my money (which is something he did to an extreme). But not just behavior: they even went down the genetics route. Constantly telling my that I had his genes and because of that I would also get hair loss and stuff like that. Even worse: since I have been constantly losing hair for the last couple years to a point where it very well is noticable it just feeds into my self hatred and who I was born as.

Because of stuff like that, I pretty much knew even during my teenage years that I never wanted to have kids. I don't want to spread that curse of toxicity into the next generation. They should not have to go through things like these. <_<

Fairy February 10th, 2022 5:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CiCi (Post 10468513)
So I've been seeing this group here and was initially hesitant to join it. I'm not the most open person, though I've been trying to be more open in the past few years. I tend to bottle things up, like putting mentos in a soda and trying to put the cap back on. These days, it feels like everything is the mentos trying to get me to explode.

Spoiler:
Honey, you need to get professional help immediately. I say that with all the love in the world; but it sounds like you’re experiencing postpartum psychosis and CPTSD with dissociative involvement - on top of whatever existing disorders you had before your son’s birth. I’m no psychiatrist, obviously, but the “psychosis” would explain the rabid mood changes, irritability, intermittent hyperactivity, and difficulty bonding. You don’t need to have hallucinations or delusions to fit the diagnostic criteria.

Again, I’m just some dumb chick on the internet, so it’s not my place to make a diagnosis. I’m sorry for even making these suggestions, but mothers who experience these things also have a 5% suicide rate. I’m not trying to scare you but I can definitely feel through your words that you’re on a steep precipice.

I recommend checking out this website. It has the info and statistics to both back my claim and also a very highly developed support network. You can call or text. They also cover topics like complex grief which might be interfering with your ability to recover.

Please, you’ve become a friend to me since you started posting here almost three years ago and I don’t want to see this escalate any further. You deserve happiness and relief from this trauma.

Starlight February 11th, 2022 9:18 PM

Firstly, I'm sorry I haven't managed to reply to everyone properly yet, I am slowly working my way through but life has not being playing ball lately :)


Quote:

Originally Posted by Megan (Post 10465087)
Very dark thoughts warning, I suppose.

I know a lot of those feelings very well Megan, and it breaks my heart to think of you struggling so much. Hopefully you can find something you love, your joy in life.

I do want to say though that your family is wrong, and what they throw at you is unfair and basically amounts to abuse. You are what you decide to be. I can promise you that your life isn't pre-determined by anyone's DNA otherwise I'd be a thug and a murderer. You might not "fit in" as easily as some do, but I can promise you that doesn't make you any lesser than anyone else. We are all different, we all like different things, and being one of the herd isn't necessary to be a lovely person <3


Quote:

Originally Posted by Fairy (Post 10468457)
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Just... hugs <3

Your decision is perfectly valid either way, but I will say this: the cycle doesn't stop with you because you prevent it from continuing, the cycle will stop with you either way because you are brave, you are strong, and you actually want it to end <3


Quote:

Originally Posted by CiCi (Post 10468513)
So I've been seeing this group here and was initially hesitant to join it. I'm not the most open person, though I've been trying to be more open in the past few years. I tend to bottle things up, like putting mentos in a soda and trying to put the cap back on. These days, it feels like everything is the mentos trying to get me to explode.

CiCi please seek some professional help, for the sake of both yourself and your little one. I know it will feel pointless, but I have known people in your situation that have been helped greatly and who came out the other side feeling much better. You shouldn't have to feel that way, and you don't need to struggle alone <3

Megan February 22nd, 2022 9:24 PM

You know, thinking about my childhood I really end up uncovering more and more emotional abuse. Like, whenever we sat down for breakfast or lunch during the weekend there would be a couch and a seat for my sister and mother and a special seat for my father while I ended up sitting on an old chair on the off side of the table. I would also either get called "the guest" frequently or thrown homophobe remarks at me just to get a reaction out of me (which never worked, of course). I've never considered myself gay. And while I'm nowadays kinda tending towards trans female lesbian territory I'm still not there yet and probably won't be for a while.

But yeah, as a result I have a somewhat deeprooted hatret towards (especially older) men who play father figure. It sucks since we live in a patriarchial society ruled by these types of people.

CiCi February 24th, 2022 9:01 PM

1 Attachment(s)
So I finally got into therapy. Of course, 2 days after my first session, I had another breakdown, which meant my morning was shit but here's hoping that I'll get better... Figures I had to be in the 10% of women with postpartum depression and birth trauma/ptsd. My therapist was even surprised at how intensely and detailed I remembered the birth. Yay me
Attachment 100549

Inky March 13th, 2022 10:19 AM

Hey howdy hi, how do I join a club :femme2:

I have bad anxiety & depression which have held a pretty vicelike grip over a lot of my life, which has been pretty miserable. I currently see a therapist semi-regularly (I'm bad at this lol) and take meds which are not really doing anything for me at the moment which is wonderful. I'd say the main thing that's bothering me currently is I'm just pretty flat, demotivated and apathetic to pretty much everything, which is really eating into my degree at university. I'm generally a pretty functionally depressed person? In that I can happily go about my day-to-day doing the bare minimum but I don't really get a whole lot out of it or enjoy it at all. Anyway,

Hope everyone in here is doing well <3

Starlight March 13th, 2022 12:27 PM

I just want to remind everyone in this thread that my pms / dms are always open. I'm sure others will say the same. I am no therapist, and am really struggling myself, but I still want everyone to know that you're never alone <3

Talk to someone - us in here, a friend, a therapist, your cat, even your gods. Just don't give in, because it's trying to isolate you and break you. Don't give it exactly what it wants.

Fairy March 22nd, 2022 6:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlight (Post 10481274)
I just want to remind everyone in this thread that my pms / dms are always open. I'm sure others will say the same. I am no therapist, and am really struggling myself, but I still want everyone to know that you're never alone <3

Talk to someone - us in here, a friend, a therapist, your cat, even your gods. Just don't give in, because it's trying to isolate you and break you. Don't give it exactly what it wants.

I want to echo this. I’m not at all a professional but I can be a good listener, so please feel free to reach out! This is a safe place of zero judgement and unconditional support. You are heard, valid, and loved. ♡

CiCi March 22nd, 2022 7:23 PM

Hey all. I didn't really know where else to turn to just get my thoughts down. I'll put my vent into spoilers, but I also wanted to touch on my therapy and let you guys know that I'm continuing with it. Things are a bit better. There's only been one where I was suicidal since then, which was today very fleetingly.

That said, I wanted to vent a little bit.
Spoiler:

So I recently got some puppies, Apollo and Hades. Brothers. Didn't really know what littermate syndrome was when I did that. Unfortunately, now I do. They kept getting into really nasty fights. No one was seriously hurt, thankfully, but I decided to separate them. My mom, being the wonderful person she is, offered to take one for me for a while until we figured out a solution. She took Hades (Apollo couldn't hold his pee worth a damn), and that was back in early December, maybe like the 12th at the latest.

They're going to be going to boarding school to be professionally trained so we'll have them under control and can stop their fighting (plus crates when no one is around to watch them to avoid potential future fights). I originally was going to have them both in the May class, but, well, things have changed.

My mom and her boyfriend she lives with have been having a lot of issues over these past years. A lot of it is about my drug-addicted co-dependent brother constantly mooching off and taking advantage of Mom. She and her boyfriend constantly fight about it. Well, tonight I was privy to a phone call very briefly when her boyfriend came home and they got into an argument (they're splitting up and things are dicey). He said, a direct quote: "I was at a hotel because I didn't wanna come home because of that fucking dog."

Obviously, he means Hades (they have another called Lily but he likes Lily). This just proved to me that I was right in how I was feeing. I felt like a burden, like I ruined their lives (to be fair, they already did that to each other before I came along). He has been saying shit about Hades and is obviously frustrated with him. Hades will hopefully be able to get put in the April classes, if that spot didn't get filled yet, so he can come back home sooner and get away from my mom and her boyfriend.

I don't think the boyfriend would do anything to hurt Hades, but I don't 1) want to take that chance, and 2) want to feel like I'm burdening them, even if it's just by keeping them together longer because of the extra dog and my mom not being able to get an apartment.

I've just been really upset about Hades not being able to live here already, let alone adding on resentment in anyway from the people who weren't supposed to be watching him to begin with. I want to get my family back together.

Megan March 22nd, 2022 8:56 PM

I just recently realized that me trying to help out with something can easily bring out some toxic behavior in me. That's especially so when the person whom I'm trying to help doesn't recognize it as help and just as an attempt to gain an advantage. <- I actually don't know if that's the case but my head definitely interprets things that way.

The moment I realize that it quickly turns into shame which then turns into depression which in turn just makes me regret to still being alive. Very annoying vicious cycle. <_<

Hyzenthlay March 24th, 2022 1:51 AM

I'm also stuck in a vicious cycle of sorts. I'm so weighted down and sad, but I shouldn't be. I feel like sadness is just constantly forced upon me. I hate it. The way I am naturally, without people influencing my mental health, is a genuinely happy, positive, loving person who adores life and lets nothing worry them too much.

I miss that side of me so much. For so long now I've been fighting off toxic feelings instead and it's just exhausting.

This is why I prefer being alone, and I'm GOOD at being alone. I can be myself and it doesn't bother a soul. I can do things my way, the way that suits me and makes me happy. I don't have to stress, because the only emotions around are my own - I'm not being burdened by a constant barrage of negativity and bitterness. It's no wonder I'm withdrawing myself socially more and more. I just can't cope with more emotional baggage than what I already carry.

When I write these posts... it makes it sound like my life is awful. It's not really... there is so much good, yet the bad is far louder. The funny thing is, if someone else got to experience my life for just a day, they'd come out of it thinking "I could never stand to live like this". But my life in itself isn't bad - I consider myself blessed in countless ways - it's just that my home life is so broken and emotions are so repressed and everyone carries so much negativity with them, that their only release is spitting that negativity at each other.

Worst part is, it seems like there is absolutely nothing I can do. All I can do is wait for my life to start, and pray that before then, my family find their own paths that make them happy, or at least content... otherwise, I'll forever be tied down by the guilt of "flying the nest" and leaving my troubles behind for them to cope with instead, without the "big sister" of the family desperately trying to hold things together...

colours March 26th, 2022 12:22 AM

WARNING: HEAVY SHIT

Spoiler:
i am equal parts bloody frustrated, incensed, and sad.

i genuinely feel like i'm a waste of space in this world. like, if i offed myself right after typing this message or vanished or whatever, then it'd be a net positive for most people who know me. which is weird in a way, because i don't even know what the actual fuck i did. i don't really think this is my depression speaking anymore. it genuinely feels like my whole existence just pisses people off both irl and on pc. but before i go any further, let me introduce some more context/background as to why i feel this way.

for the longest time, me expressing any sort of vulnerability, WAY more often than not, has historically blew up in my face in the same way: i am basically expected to be as emotionally stoic in possible. bitching is bad. speaking up is bad. defending myself is bad. it's like a repetition of when i was bullied for my entire childhood; i am never expected to say anything in my defense, and if i do, it's a bad thing. i am an absolute failure both irl (lots of reasons) and on pc (where periodically i feel reminded that im bottom-of-the-totem-pole admin and shit-tier staff all around that almost nobody associates with), yet i'm expected to carry on as if nothing bothers me, because again, that's the expectation and the desire to not want to "deal" with me. does anyone understand i have feelings too, or does that not matter, anymore? i rarely want to rant or say something anymore, even to my closest friends, because i'll end up being a burden to them anyway and even to them, i bet the expectation is that the less i feel on the outside and carry on my work like a mindless drone, the better. my feelings don't matter. if i try to speak up on that, it might be construed as drama or something negative, so i shut up for the sake of peace and be on my way.

but on the inside, in the heart that shocking enough i actually have (surprise!), it hurts. it fucking hurts. i'm consistently in a "damned if i do, damned if i don't" situation. whether in a work setting, home setting, or in the goddamn internet where to think of all things i've tried to find some sort of home, it never seems to fail that regardless of where, the circumstances are the same. which is to say: fuck whatever i feel. i just do whatever im expected to do, and anything outside of that is irrelevant. feelings are ultimately an obstacle to productivity. the less i feel, and the more work i do, the better everyone is. except it is absolutely destroying my motivation because mentally and emotionally i don't know how much more i can take, and i don't know how to even escape from this, if it's even possible.

i constantly apologise for my fuckups, no matter how small, and try my absolute best to juggle as many people's feelings as possible before my own. at the same time, i'm finding that i no longer have the time, motivation, or energy to do things that i've once considered enjoyable due to this. i just... i don't know. i try to be this massive people pleaser, and even in scenarios where i would be the bearer of bad news, it's simply because i have a job to do and it's nothing personal. but yet, the anger and frustration towards me remains the same nonetheless.

i'd be genuinely surprised if anyone read this, not that i expect that. i'm an insignificant spec of dust compared to everyone in my life because that's how my life has always been. so i guess ignore me and move on.

Eleanor March 26th, 2022 3:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by colours (Post 10486598)
pingery

I'm writing this more out of instinct than anything, so I will likely not be able to provide the best advice or the best words in general but... please, Angelica, let me just say that I can very much relate to that situation and you hit many delicate spots of mine there.
Spoiler:
Even as a kid I was taught to be "above" others, not respond to being provocated, not express vulnerability, all that kind of stuff- as if it could actually help me put myself on a higher moral level than others, whatever that means. Well it sucks now, because I'm still expected to shrug and move on in the face of problems, both trivial and serious alike. Honestly, it feels like there's people out there who still treat me like a kid, whose every nitpick is just a senseless tantrum and whose every desire is just a superfluous caprice. (wow where did I come up with those words).

This is of course just my personal path through this but something I've been trying to do, even just for scruple, is ask myself if I've been at fault myself in the way I raised these issues. Sometimes, the answer is yes: getting angry at trivial things and not reasoning with others is a thing that I do. But guess what- I probably act like this because I was never taught how to handle my feelings correctly and process them instead of bottling them up? Maybe telling me to shrug things off wasn't a good idea to begin with, uh?
And what if the answer is no? Then it's just a problem of who's listening to me. Which is something that can happen. People don't always get along and vibe with each other. Some people don't make any effort to help others feel at ease, open up, become more vulnerable, and let their thoughts out (or maybe do so selectively. I'm probably at fault of being like that...) but, and here is the beauty of PC I guess, I've eventually found some people that were more than happy to let me vent, offer help, and who I was also happy to help when they needed to vent. There's always someone out there in that sense <3

Now what if I actually shrug things off and try living in the most stoic way possible? I guess I tried, didn't work. Obviously. No one should be forced to go through that.
I've often been feeling like I have no future in front of me, no motivation to do anything that makes me happy, because my only goal is to work my life off and raise a bunch of children that my current parents will be proud of (not me, mind you). As if I could even find a significant other in this state of mind, ha. But of course there's always that pressure to not seek trouble, not change things drastically, not waste the time and resources other people are giving you, bla bla bla.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I definitely get how difficult it can be to open up and reach out to others after being taught to keep things inside. Realizing how bad that can be is already complicated, and trying to change that is even more complicated. I absolutely relate to feeling like a people-pleaser or, on the other side of the spectrum, being a complete burden to people. I've had a lot of trouble reaching out to friends and simply asking them "hey how are you" because I feel like I need a valid reason to bother them. Something like "hey I/you graduated, congrats" or "so hey we were forced to do this group assignment, please let's plan this out". It's a vicious cycle because it makes me feel like I can't keep people close to me except when I need to use them for something, hence making me just a terrible opportunistic friend. And even then... it's also difficult to love oneself. Keeping things inside clashes inherently with that notion. I'm still slowly making progress on that front and struggling to accept that what I think are "caprices" are way more important than I think they are. And I guess that if you've been around Staff a bit or saw some of my messages around, you may know at least one of the major things I'm referencing by that.

I'm sorry if I made this about my own problems also but I hope this can be useful for you nonetheless, Angelica. Even if we may not know each other super well or have talked much... I suppose humans in general can benefit so much from sharing similar experiences and getting closer to each other. It's a powerful thing, what we're all doing in here. So, as much as I can get that last part of the message, the "I'd be genuinely surprised if anyone would read this", I just want to let you know that it's not the case. You have my attention, and you can have my support whenever you need it ♥

If you read this until the end, thank you from the bottom of my heart, Angelica! And by the way, thank you for your efforts as an Admin- your contributions are valued ♥

Hyzenthlay March 26th, 2022 3:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by colours
WARNING: HEAVY MUK

Feel free to ask me to delete this if wanted, I thought I'd respond, though I'm unsure how helpful it can possibly be. It turned into a bit of a rant/preach in the end, so...

Spoiler:
I will say though, that I relate to a lot of that. It's definitely one of the strongest factors of my low self-worth throughout my life, and why I (and my feelings) seem less significant than anyone else. I totally get that. I'm not sure what your interactions are like between staff - especially admins - but I've never had the impression that you're a bad staff member at all. You spearhead countless discussions for improvement and always have something to say, and that's being a proactive team member, not to mention just how long you've been here for the community. However, if you're anything like me, then maybe your ideas being shot down or having too many people disagree with you a lot of the time does plummet your self-esteem and make you feel undervalued and even disliked. I think that's a natural reaction when the situation repeats. The trouble is how we read into it, which most the time is far more negatively than what it actually is.

Childhood bullying has a significant impact on how we perceive these situations in adulthood, too, whether we are aware of it or not. I was emotionally bullied/emotionally neglected and so I relate to what you mean about "damned if you do, damned if you don't", because it's always perceived as our fault - we must have done something wrong, or be unlikeable, or be weak, because why else would this be happening to us? That thought process sticks. Especially when we are gaslit into believing it. Then we even start gaslighting ourselves.

So, we try so hard to avoid that pain. We emotionally seclude ourselves, and when we're around others, we elevate them, put them first, be that "people pleaser"; at least it gives us a vaguely positive social footing, right? But then voicing our own feelings and trying to justify ourselves to others always seems pointless - they (seemingly) either don't care, or they avoid you out of discomfort/helplessness, or get annoyed because your feelings and motivations clash with theirs. We reveal our vulnerabilities only to be punished for it. I get that. I often feel like people forget that I have feelings, too. That they cannot fathom how my feelings might be different from theirs.

But... a lot of that actually comes from a toxic cycle of thought processes. Chances are, we're completely misinterpreting how others see us, when they actually care. I've always felt generally disliked but is that actually true? I doubt it. Sure, it doesn't stop the feeling, but it helps if we can find validation within ourselves rather than always seeking glimpses of it from others. Like any behaviour, if we keep stewing in our negative perceptions, we only strengthen them. We're wiring our own minds to perceive ourselves as these worthless, intolerable beings and so nearly every moment of our lives revolves around that perception. It sucks. It's depressing. It eats at us constantly. Believe me, I feel the same. The struggle is breaking free of those mental shackles. But it's definitely possible.

I guess my advice - that I'm still learning for myself as I type this - is just... believe in your right to own your feelings, find the inner strength to say "psyduck it, this is how I feel and I have the right to manage my feelings in my own way, in my own time, and until I do, I can't keep putting others before myself." Find that time. Really try. One of the most exhausting things is pressuring yourself to be a people pleaser when you're dying on the inside. Like, you want to be that person because they expect it from you, you expect it from yourself, and the guilt of taking time for yourself is daunting, but... overall, it's worth it. And it's okay to do this. Not everyone can be a saint all the time. Some people manage it amazingly well, but most people don't. It takes time and strength and perseverance, and a lot of trial-and-error, to balance our mental wellbeing with those around us.

The people who do care will understand and will stick around until you're ready. And I know you have people that care, who consider you a friend. Sadly I've grown distant to a number of people by putting my mental health first, but I've also learnt which of them truly care - and they're the ones who appreciate me during my highs AND my lows. Some of them struggled to let go of their pre-established expectations of me at first, but eventually, they adapted, and accepted that I needed time to breathe and wait out my struggles in my own way. I have no idea how long this will last, but... I think it's working, in tiny little increments.

So yeah, try to find as much "you" time as you can. I understand how hard that is between work, family, daily commitments, the guilt etc. But try, even if it's doing nothing. Just, thinking, or gazing, or taking a nap. I find that watching calming watercolour YouTube videos has been a miracle worker for me, but it can be any video you find relaxing - or any hobby. It's unproductive, but I found my heart rate and anxiety levels go down so much - I can feel myself being lulled into a better frame of mind. It also helps me sleep at night. (For anyone interested, Paul Clark, Watercolor by Shibasaki and Oliver Pyle - Our Landscape are the YouTubers I watch to calm down - very soft and slow-paced).

I know all of this is just... re-iterating thoughts and stating things you've probably heard a dozen times before. But as someone who shares your sentiments, just thought I'd say you're definitely not alone in them and there are ways to overcome these feelings. Hopefully it helps just knowing there are people here who understand what you're saying, and have taken the time to acknowledged that.


Ending this message with a bunch of wholesome Shaymin <3



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