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I just want to say thank you to all of you. I am a bit too overwhelmed right now to make detailed replies to you all at this time, but I will do it as soon as I can, either in an update here or via private messages. Seriously, I can't thank you all enough 😭❤ Quote:
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Nearly had a baaad day yesterday, mum came over with ginger beer and I immediately thought I'd be right back at square one, but it turns out they were non alcoholic ginger beers and I'm a very happy frog! Nearly been a month without alcohol now, and I'm feeling better than I ever have. Spoiler:
Hope you're feeling okay Starlight ♥ and thank you for the game-buying discouragement, I'm going to really need it as I've just bought 3 new games on Steam within the last hour D: |
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Mmm, your brain is still reeling for a dopamine release of some kind to replace the rush. Super normal for this point in your sobriety, so don’t feel too guilty about it. It took about a year before I was chemically balanced again. Just relax and use the same restraint you use everyday to combat that desire to spend! |
Thank you all. <3 I'm quite proud of myself - I didn't do any harm, so don't worry. That massive bout of depression/despair has "settled" into high stress and anxiety but I'm on a healthier trajectory now, at least. :) One thing I actually like about myself is that I can bounce back really fast under the right circumstances. In this case it was "virtually" falling into my boyfriend's warm, loving arms. He somehow makes me laugh even when I'm at my very worst. He's truly my lifeline during these moments.
While I don't think issues like this should be stigmatised/hidden, I deleted my post out of privacy. By the way, to anyone who sometimes has toxic thoughts overpower them: draw those thoughts/feelings. Even if it's just an angry black squiggle. By drawing out my urges to self-harm, I quelled them just enough to stop it from actually happening. Free-drawing this way can be quite cathartic. I've drawn a number of my traumas. - - - @Fairy you hit the nail on the head - I have little to no control over so many aspects of my life, and that can drive anyone mad. The worst part is, I don't even have the control to do something about my lack of control! All I can do is the bare minimum; just slog on with my degree and hope new opportunities open up to me (in positive ways. I'm tired of big change only occurring after awful things happen). My struggle along the way is avoiding my triggers. I have PTSD and a lot of triggers. :( @Megan I'm very grateful for this community because I genuinely feel like I can entrust the people here with my feelings, and be listened to. So thankfully I do have people in my life I can go to in times of need, it can just feel like the opposite when I'm devastated, like the whole world's against me, so I tend to forget that. I suppose a lot of us do. @ZeoStar, you're absolutely right. These is still a stigma around seeking help in many places, since a lot of people don't understand how much strength and courage it takes to divulge one's deepest pain, worst secrets, life traumas. I imagine in cases as devastating as school shootings, the shock alone is a big factor. Sometimes it's like being trapped in time and we just clam up and keep things frozen. The brain's defence mechanisms against trauma are varied and fascinating. It seems mine is to wall off my memories until my brain receives a trigger. |
I like this direction that the conversation has been going in recently, seeing the strong support for others and kindness inhabiting this space, and reading about constructive ways of dealing with different problems.
I am inspired by Hyzenthlay's suggestion to draw images of what is on your mind, when you're feeling troubled. I will have to give that one a try next time I am feeling blue. I usually color in different prints of mandalas, things that are more abstract and tranquil, but it could be good to let it all out and draw something really different put the feelings to pictures! I think it would be nice to keep cool, creative ideas like that coming. So I am going to post it as a topic question, I don't think our club owner will mind :) Share a coping mechanism! For me listening to music can change my mood, oddly it's not necessarily peaceful, bubbly or romantic music that is the most helpful to me if I am downcast. That tends have the best impact on me when I am on the upswing, I try to listen to music that matches my mood at the time. When I am unhappy I find that music that's actually moody, angry, melancholy or self-depricating can be my release. It might not work for everyone, for me it's cathartic, the things that weighed me down all are channeled into the song and I am better off, like a weight has been taken off my shoulders, and can onto a better state. Emilie Autumn's music and writings are my go-to. |
Very dark thoughts warning, I suppose.
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@Meg, I know how you feel on a thing or two you said
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Replying to the topic above about coping mechanisms:
I find talking it out the most effective coping mechanism. No expectation of solutions or advice, I just think it can be helpful to have someone who cares and listens. Therapy helped. Therapists do this as their job and this helped me detach a bit more from the toxic mentality that opening up was weak to do. It was a double standard I didn't realise that was super toxic to hold myself to. I realised that I would never think negatively of anyone else opening up and that I should respect myself also. I have tried to be more open but it's still difficult, and I would like to stop hiding how I feel because it's not healthy. I learnt a lot of coping strategies from previous therapy that have helped. At first I won't lie, it was so uncomfortable talking about any type of trauma and having a lot of it resurface through talking about it. But I learnt a lot and some of it, I still use today. I mainly went to help with my ED, depression and hypochondria when I was younger. Everyone's experiences are different and it might take a while to find a good therapist but I think it was helpful. Not an overnight change at all but I did notice things improving after seeing a therapist. I noticed things would relapse without a therapist for the first year or so afterwards but I learnt enough from it to self-manage things somewhat OK. Thinking of going back and also maybe starting medication though as things have been feeling really hard lately. I know everyone's experience with medication is different but it would be interesting to hear how people have found medication helpful for their mental health. Outside of that, there are a few small coping mechanisms I turn to if things aren't gong well. Music and exercise if I have the energy for it, help me. I like forms of escapism like reading, playing games, watching TV and so on to take my mind off things but if things are super bad and I just don't have an interest in anything, then the first two I mentioned above are the most helpful. |
So like, I’m not even sure where to post this but I just got some really awful news and I don’t want to just stew in it alone.
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tl;dr - my cousin got a liver transplant two days ago because of his drinking and no one told me about how sick he was and I hate alcohol and I’m never having children and I can’t believe I put my family through the same thing. |
So I've been seeing this group here and was initially hesitant to join it. I'm not the most open person, though I've been trying to be more open in the past few years. I tend to bottle things up, like putting mentos in a soda and trying to put the cap back on. These days, it feels like everything is the mentos trying to get me to explode.
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I can't really relate to the whole dugs/alcohol stuff because that's not as much of an issue in my family. But I can relate to not wanting children @Fairy
Thing is: my family has a lot of toxic subjects in it. And especially one person in particular fits that bill just a little too much. The problem is that he's pretty hated by my parents (well, my mother now, since my father isn't around anymore). the stupid thing they did during my childhood was whenever they started calling out my behavior by comparing me to him. We barely had money but my parents sure liked to compain about how stingy I was with my money (which is something he did to an extreme). But not just behavior: they even went down the genetics route. Constantly telling my that I had his genes and because of that I would also get hair loss and stuff like that. Even worse: since I have been constantly losing hair for the last couple years to a point where it very well is noticable it just feeds into my self hatred and who I was born as. Because of stuff like that, I pretty much knew even during my teenage years that I never wanted to have kids. I don't want to spread that curse of toxicity into the next generation. They should not have to go through things like these. <_< |
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Firstly, I'm sorry I haven't managed to reply to everyone properly yet, I am slowly working my way through but life has not being playing ball lately :)
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I do want to say though that your family is wrong, and what they throw at you is unfair and basically amounts to abuse. You are what you decide to be. I can promise you that your life isn't pre-determined by anyone's DNA otherwise I'd be a thug and a murderer. You might not "fit in" as easily as some do, but I can promise you that doesn't make you any lesser than anyone else. We are all different, we all like different things, and being one of the herd isn't necessary to be a lovely person <3 Quote:
Your decision is perfectly valid either way, but I will say this: the cycle doesn't stop with you because you prevent it from continuing, the cycle will stop with you either way because you are brave, you are strong, and you actually want it to end <3 Quote:
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You know, thinking about my childhood I really end up uncovering more and more emotional abuse. Like, whenever we sat down for breakfast or lunch during the weekend there would be a couch and a seat for my sister and mother and a special seat for my father while I ended up sitting on an old chair on the off side of the table. I would also either get called "the guest" frequently or thrown homophobe remarks at me just to get a reaction out of me (which never worked, of course). I've never considered myself gay. And while I'm nowadays kinda tending towards trans female lesbian territory I'm still not there yet and probably won't be for a while.
But yeah, as a result I have a somewhat deeprooted hatret towards (especially older) men who play father figure. It sucks since we live in a patriarchial society ruled by these types of people. |
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So I finally got into therapy. Of course, 2 days after my first session, I had another breakdown, which meant my morning was shit but here's hoping that I'll get better... Figures I had to be in the 10% of women with postpartum depression and birth trauma/ptsd. My therapist was even surprised at how intensely and detailed I remembered the birth. Yay me
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Hey howdy hi, how do I join a club :femme2:
I have bad anxiety & depression which have held a pretty vicelike grip over a lot of my life, which has been pretty miserable. I currently see a therapist semi-regularly (I'm bad at this lol) and take meds which are not really doing anything for me at the moment which is wonderful. I'd say the main thing that's bothering me currently is I'm just pretty flat, demotivated and apathetic to pretty much everything, which is really eating into my degree at university. I'm generally a pretty functionally depressed person? In that I can happily go about my day-to-day doing the bare minimum but I don't really get a whole lot out of it or enjoy it at all. Anyway, Hope everyone in here is doing well <3 |
I just want to remind everyone in this thread that my pms / dms are always open. I'm sure others will say the same. I am no therapist, and am really struggling myself, but I still want everyone to know that you're never alone <3
Talk to someone - us in here, a friend, a therapist, your cat, even your gods. Just don't give in, because it's trying to isolate you and break you. Don't give it exactly what it wants. |
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Hey all. I didn't really know where else to turn to just get my thoughts down. I'll put my vent into spoilers, but I also wanted to touch on my therapy and let you guys know that I'm continuing with it. Things are a bit better. There's only been one where I was suicidal since then, which was today very fleetingly.
That said, I wanted to vent a little bit. Spoiler:
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I just recently realized that me trying to help out with something can easily bring out some toxic behavior in me. That's especially so when the person whom I'm trying to help doesn't recognize it as help and just as an attempt to gain an advantage. <- I actually don't know if that's the case but my head definitely interprets things that way.
The moment I realize that it quickly turns into shame which then turns into depression which in turn just makes me regret to still being alive. Very annoying vicious cycle. <_< |
I'm also stuck in a vicious cycle of sorts. I'm so weighted down and sad, but I shouldn't be. I feel like sadness is just constantly forced upon me. I hate it. The way I am naturally, without people influencing my mental health, is a genuinely happy, positive, loving person who adores life and lets nothing worry them too much.
I miss that side of me so much. For so long now I've been fighting off toxic feelings instead and it's just exhausting. This is why I prefer being alone, and I'm GOOD at being alone. I can be myself and it doesn't bother a soul. I can do things my way, the way that suits me and makes me happy. I don't have to stress, because the only emotions around are my own - I'm not being burdened by a constant barrage of negativity and bitterness. It's no wonder I'm withdrawing myself socially more and more. I just can't cope with more emotional baggage than what I already carry. When I write these posts... it makes it sound like my life is awful. It's not really... there is so much good, yet the bad is far louder. The funny thing is, if someone else got to experience my life for just a day, they'd come out of it thinking "I could never stand to live like this". But my life in itself isn't bad - I consider myself blessed in countless ways - it's just that my home life is so broken and emotions are so repressed and everyone carries so much negativity with them, that their only release is spitting that negativity at each other. Worst part is, it seems like there is absolutely nothing I can do. All I can do is wait for my life to start, and pray that before then, my family find their own paths that make them happy, or at least content... otherwise, I'll forever be tied down by the guilt of "flying the nest" and leaving my troubles behind for them to cope with instead, without the "big sister" of the family desperately trying to hold things together... |
WARNING: HEAVY SHIT
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Ending this message with a bunch of wholesome Shaymin <3 Spoiler:
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