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-   -   Fanfiction of the Month (December): Hoenn Mirror World (v.3) (https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=41544)

oni flygon December 4th, 2005 10:38 AM

You must've been waiting for this post for a long time... =D

Congrats! Fanfiction of the Month!

*confetti*

Strawberry Delcatty December 4th, 2005 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miyu-chan
Oooh, very interseting chapter. xD I love the way suspense builds up revolving around the black feathers.

My favorite scene was the one where Mariah and her counterpart were in the PokeShop. xD

Anyway, I'm glad you liked the chapter. I kinda struggled with this one with how it should go, but it's good to hear that I'm still going in the right direction.

As for the PokeShop, well, that won't be the last one... and the stuff there won't be anything less... out of the ordinary either.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Akinari
You must've been waiting for this post for a long time... =D

Congrats! Fanfiction of the Month!

*confetti*

Excuse me for a sec...

*restarts the browser, and then the computer, and finally rams her head against her closet door*

Wow... it's real... @[email protected]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v250/Ida-chan/doremi.png
*couldn't help but to put the happy Doremi pic again, as she is VERY happy*

Negrek December 26th, 2005 6:46 PM

So, I guess this thread wasn't that hard to find after all. ;) Anyway, sorry about how late this review is; I've already done it a couple of times, but this stupid computer keeps eating it. Hopefully, the third time is the charm.

Chapter Five: Clues

Quote:

Mirror Mariah had not been able to take her eyes off of the black feather ever since it had appeared.
Quote:

The feather, to their surprise, suddenly transformed in a dark, glittery mist that drifted around Mariah.
Did you mean into instead of in?

Quote:

I wish Mom was still alive... I wish I could go back to two weeks ago so I could stop that car accident...
Quote:

She knew that her mother was gone, and nothing--not even her powers--could undo what had happened.
Quote:

Mirror Mariah, a bit surprised but glad to see that Mariah regained herself, nodded and went ahead with her double close behind.
I don't think that regained herself is the best way to put it; maybe "had returned to herself" instead, or something like that.

Quote:

Facing in the direction of Moonlight City, she got out a wand with a gray and black Pokeball with bat wings on each of its sides.
This sentence is kinda funny. As is, it actually says that the wand had two pokballs on it: one on each of its sides (each being gray and black and having bat wings).

Quote:

The Girafarig, confident that it was on the offensive, charged toward the fallen monkey.
This sentence reads a bit strangely. Girafarig should always be confident that it's on the offensive whenever it goes to attack, because it knows what it's trying to do and should never doubt whether it's going offensive. Maybe something like "confident now that it was on the offensive" or "confident because it was on the offensive" would work better.

Quote:

However, the man saw that something was wrong; wild Girafarig did not learn Psychic naturally, and the Long Neck Pokemon did not belong to any Trainer.
Quote:

The Vigoroths trainer was surprised by what had just happened, but then he smirked.
Quote:

Everything from the ground to the buildings was as bright as its namesake color.
Well, moonlight isn't really a color. You'd be fine here if you just cut color off of the end so that the sentence ended with "namesake".

Quote:

It was hard for Mariah to believe that Moonlight City was to Mirror Mariah and Lemonade what Petalburg City was to her and Treecko.
Quote:

Mirror Mariah managed to make her heart-shaped bag appear.
I don't know if managed is the word that you want here. It implies that Mirror Mariah was struggling to make her bag appear, and only just was able to get it to show up. Unless you were going for the feeling that she had a hard time getting the bag to appear, then consider rewording this one.

Quote:

She still could not believe that, despite the fact that she did not know much about the Mirror Wand or the world she was currently in, Mariah had managed to defeat the likes of a Magma Magician.
Quote:

The rabbit then turned over on its back, revealing its paws that were white at the tip.
Remove the its before paws here, so that the sentence reads, "The rabbit then turned over on its back, revealing paws that were white at the tip."

Quote:

Lemonade knocked Treecko up, making him land on his back.
This modifier is a little misplaced. The way that the sentence reads now, Treecko gets knocked over onto his own back, not onto Lemonade's.

Quote:

What she did notice was that the shelves on the wall had pink boxes of cupcakes, blue bags of peanuts, and red bags of peppers.
Quote:

You usually have to give it to your Pokemon before the battle actually starts, and the effects wear off after the battle since the Pokemon uses up more energy than usual.
Quote:

From Lemonades description, it was clear to Mariah that the Power Ups, Defense Ups, and Speed Ups were like the X Attacks, X Defense, and X Speed items back in her Hoenn.
Remove the s on X Attacks in order to keep it consistent with the rest of the items in the list; all the others are singular.

Quote:

A noticeable thing was that Mariah was surprised by her recent powers ever since the battle with the possessed Magma Magician.
Quote:

It was not every day that a cashier had an ability involving items condensed into little pearls...
This part of the sentence is put together a little strangely. I think that it would flow better if you could find some other way to say it; maybe something like, "It wasn't every day that you met a cashier with the ability to condense items into little pearls..."

Quote:

If there was, they would surely help Mariah while she was here in this strange world.
That seems like a somewhat odd assumption to make, given Treecko's experiences with Mirror Hoenn pokmon thus far. Even the normal ones like the rattata have been rather hostile, the only exception being Lemonade, who can get a bit overbearing. I would expect Treecko to be slightly more wary of the new pokmon.

Quote:

...you managed to do another important job when you found this girl...
Quote:

Before the fire chick knew what happened next, it was thrown off its feet when Treecko hit it with his thick tail.
You don't need "next" after "knew what happened."

Quote:

When it was less than a foot away from him, it jumped up and, in a kicking motion, scratched Treecko in the face with its talons.
Quote:

Mariah noticed that the Torchics Scratch attack had made a slight cut.
Quote:

While Treecko appeared to be on the verge of fainting, Torchic almost looked like it was unscathed.
Quote:

Before Mariah could figure out what would happen, the Torchic appeared from the ground and scratched her in the face with its talons.
Quote:

Mariah suddenly became surprised when she saw her, though.
You don't need "though" at the end of the sentence, unless there's some reason for us to assume that Mariah shouldn't be surprised by the sudden appearance of the bat-winged girl.

Quote:

...but from what Ive seen, that has ended in failure as well.
Quote:

...but Ive been taking care of this since Ever Grande Cathedral was attacked!
So, anyway, your errors again concern mostly confused tenses and prepositions, although you're doing better with both, which is nice to see. Your characters also came through better this chapter; I especially liked how we got to see a little more of Treecko and Lemonade than previously. Mirror Mariah's mudkip is now really the only one of the pokmon that remains sort of faceless.

Deviri seems an interesting character, though some of her actions appear contradictory. She doesn't appear to be openly against Angeri and Mariah, and even goes so far as to tip them off that they can find a shard in Rustboro Ruins (assuming that it's not a misleading piece of information). If this is true, however, why has she repeatedly attacked Mariah with her torchic?

Norman also seems slightly off; at least, he seems a bit harsh when interacting with Angeri.

I liked the shopping scene best, I think; it was particularly cute how you had all the writing backwards. That's something I wouldn't have thought of. Some of the healing items seem a little impractical for normal travelling trainers, though; the cupcakes in particular seem like they'd get squashed and/or go stale before they would be put to use.

Overall, I liked this chapter. It showed a nice improvement over the last and had good character and plot development. Oh, and congratulations on Fanfiction of the Month, too.

Strawberry Delcatty December 26th, 2005 7:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
So, I guess this thread wasn't that hard to find after all. ;) Anyway, sorry about how late this review is; I've already done it a couple of times, but this stupid computer keeps eating it. Hopefully, the third time is the charm.

No problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
As is, it actually says that the wand had two pokballs on it: one on each of its sides (each being gray and black and having bat wings).

I was trying to imply that the wings were on each side of the Pokeball.
*makes note to draw the wands*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
That seems like a somewhat odd assumption to make, given Treecko's experiences with Mirror Hoenn pokmon thus far. Even the normal ones like the rattata have been rather hostile, the only exception being Lemonade, who can get a bit overbearing. I would expect Treecko to be slightly more wary of the new pokmon.

Oh... I was trying to make it seem like that Rattata attacked Mariah out of suspiscion of her. If someone was following you, you'd be pretty suspiscious of that person... or at least, that's how I see it.
Thankfully, there would be Pokemon that would be a bit more opening to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
So, anyway, your errors again concern mostly confused tenses and prepositions, although you're doing better with both, which is nice to see.

To be honest, they were kinda hard to catch (even when I proofread it!).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
Your characters also came through better this chapter; I especially liked how we got to see a little more of Treecko and Lemonade than previously. Mirror Mariah's mudkip is now really the only one of the pokmon that remains sort of faceless.

Well, two out of three isn't too bad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
Deviri seems an interesting character, though some of her actions appear contradictory. She doesn't appear to be openly against Angeri and Mariah, and even goes so far as to tip them off that they can find a shard in Rustboro Ruins (assuming that it's not a misleading piece of information). If this is true, however, why has she repeatedly attacked Mariah with her torchic?

Kinda of a long story, but I try to keep it short and sweet.
[SPOIL="The reason the Torchic attacked Mariah was because..."]Shadow Wing (the main villian) possessed Deviri's Torchic, but it ended up being partial. The times she attacked Mariah was when Shadow Wing got his control over the Torchic back. Even if Shadow Wing gets defeated, there will be some times where Deviri's Torchic goes insane.[/SPOIL]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
Norman also seems slightly off; at least, he seems a bit harsh when interacting with Angeri.

Well, that's mainly because he sees Angeri as a bit incompetent for being a Guardian, but that changes overtime.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
I liked the shopping scene best, I think; it was particularly cute how you had all the writing backwards. That's something I wouldn't have thought of. Some of the healing items seem a little impractical for normal travelling trainers, though; the cupcakes in particular seem like they'd get squashed and/or go stale before they would be put to use.

The shopping scene seems to be pretty popular.
As for the food (especially the cupcakes), I never really considered stuff like that. I'm not sure about getting squashed, but food going stale/spoiling would be a good drawback to bring up in the story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Negrek
Overall, I liked this chapter. It showed a nice improvement over the last and had good character and plot development. Oh, and congratulations on Fanfiction of the Month, too.

Thanks, thanks, and thanks to the fifth power. =3

Strawberry Delcatty February 23rd, 2006 8:19 PM

MARIAH’S POKEMON: Treecko
MARIAH’S ITEMS: Mirror Wand (allows Mariah to use Pokemon attacks as well as having other unique abilities)
Rainbow Balls [x5] (???)

MIRROR MARIAH’S POKEMON: Mudkip
MIRROR MARIAH’S ITEMS: Diamond Wand (an advanced version of the Mirror Wand)

CHAPTER 6: The Upcoming Disaster?
A faint white glow enveloped Mudkip, and he propelled himself toward Mariah’s Treecko in a fierce roll. Treecko flung himself to the side, however, and the ice ball failed to hit its target. Agilely, Mudkip turned his assault around and headed back in Treeko’s direction. The Treecko chose not to panic, however, and his yellow eyes shifted toward his trainer for further instruction.

"Pound attack!" Mariah commanded.

Treecko immediately spun around. With one hit of his thick tail, he forced Mudkip to suddenly uncurl himself. Mudkip fell on his back and struggled to get up.

“Mudkip, try to use Ice Ball again!” Angeri shouted desperately.

Mudkip managed to curl himself up into a glowing ball again and headed straight for Treecko. The wood gecko scoffed slightly and jumped again to dodge, but Mudkip turned in the direction that Treecko landed and rolled right into him. Treecko, feeling a chill after landing on the ground, had underestimated his opponent a bit.

“Watch out!” Mariah cried, seeing that Mudkip was getting close to the shivering Treecko.

After a quick glance at his opponent, Treecko mustered his strength and dove out of the way. The Water-type suddenly uncurled himself, surprised that his foe was still able to continue fighting.

“Absorb, Treecko!” Mariah commanded, hoping it would clinch the match for her.

Treecko nodded, and took a step forward. He opened his mouth wide, allowing for a large green sphere to form in it. Mudkip looked on, curious and unsure of what exactly he should do. Suddenly, Treecko took a large breath through the sphere and Mudkip felt a sudden shot of pain. Angeri was starting to worry about Mudkip as she saw Treecko radiating the bright green color of the orb. Just then, she thought of a surefire way to regain control of the battle.

“Stop it with your Mud Slap!” she yelled.

Mudkip slowly got up and made his way toward Treecko. Then, he turned around and used his back legs to hurl mud into Treecko’s face. The lizard cried out and tried to shake the mud off of his face. Mariah became tense, seeing that the battle was now in Angeri’s favor. Before the Hoenn Mirror Girl could tell her Pokemon to do anything else, Mudkip curled up into a glowing ball once again and rammed into Treecko. The wood gecko soared through the air, and Mariah caught him in her arms.

“I lost…” Mariah made the Mirror Wand appear in a flash of rainbow light and pointed it at Treecko. A green light shot out from the matching colored gem and transformed her Pokemon into emerald energy upon its contact before sucking it back into the Wand.

“Don’t feel so bad,” Angeri said as she recalled her Mudkip in a similar fashion with her Diamond Wand. Her wand then vanished in a puff of smoke.

Lemonade, who was watching the battle, jumped out of the tree and walked over to Mariah. “At least you made me feel less bored,” he said, trying to make Mariah feel better.

Mariah sighed. “Thanks… I think.”

An owl Pokemon with red and gold feathers landed next to Lemonade upon seeing him.

“Never thought I’d see you again,” the owl said to him. “I could tell you haven’t changed much, and that comment of yours proved me right.”

“Well, that battle wasn’t anything that special, but it’s the best that I could expect from a couple of beginners,” Lemonade said as he put his arms behind his head.

The owl noticed Mariah, who had never seen such a colorful Pokemon before. She was introducing herself, but the owl was constantly looking back and forth between Mariah and Angeri.

“Uh… Cinnamon?” Lemonade poked the confused Noctowl to snap her out of her surprise. “You okay?”

Cinnamon suddenly pointed her wing at puzzled Mariah. “It MUST be her! I know it! There’s no denying it! We just have to find the other five now!”

“The other five what?” Mariah asked.

Cinnamon took a few steps back.

“Forgive me,” she said, slightly bowing. “My name is Cinnamon, and I’m one of the previous Guardian’s Pokemon. I was with Lemonade… who can get on some nerves.”

“Compared to you, Raspberry’s my loving girlfriend,” Lemonade muttered under his breath.

“Anyway,” Cinnamon continued, “I’m sorry I’ve got excited like that. It’s just that I was expecting you to come earlier… as well as having the other five chosen ones with you.”

“It’s said that a while after Hoenn was restored, the Sovereign chose six people in addition to the Elders and Masters to keep it from ever being attacked again,” Angeri said. “Or at least… that’s what I’ve been told.” She then turned away from the group. “I’m guessing the same was for Deviri as well, but something must’ve happened…”

Angeri thought about Deviri’s words:

You, as the Guardian of Hoenn’s Light Universe, should take this situation a lot more seriously than you are now. It was rather disappointing for me to find out that the ones that the Sovereign chose to represent the Shadow Universe no longer exist. I was hoping you would do your share to find the ones that represent the Light Universe… but from what I’ve seen, that has ended in failure as well.

What had happened to the chosen ones who represented the Shadow Universe? It made no sense to Angeri at all.

“Anyway, what are you here for?” Cinnamon asked.

Angeri explained everything to Cinnamon. From the battle with the possessed Zigzagoon and Poochyena to the recent appearance of Deviri and her dark Torchic, the Noctowl felt that the worst had yet to come.

“Did you see anything weird at all?” Lemonade asked.

Cinnamon thought for a moment. “Well, come to think of it… there was this weird light heading toward Radish City last night.”

“Radish City?” Angeri said. “That’s where the Rustboro Ruins are!”

“You guys go ahead,” Lemonade told Mariah, Angeri and Cinnamon. “I’ll check out Petalburg Thicket and let them know about this.”

Angeri nodded. She held out her hand, and her Diamond Wand appeared in a flash of sparkling light. “I just hope I have enough power to at least get us to the other side of Rainbow Route 4.”

As Lemonade headed off, the Guardian held out her wand, and it slowly floated into the air. After a swift flash of light, a mirror that looked like a smaller and pale blue version of the Golden Gateway appeared. It slowly landed in front her.

Angeri went into the mirror, and then Mariah (after a moment of shock). After Cinnamon flew into the mirror, it vanished in a flash of light.

***

The tall trees of Petalburg Thicket blocked out some of the sky, yet their leaves had several blends of colors. Some of the vines that wrapped around the trees and stumps were the regular color of green, but others were black with thorns that were colored a greenish-yellow at the tip. Lemonade headed to one of the trees and looked up to see a sleeping pink Pokemon with leaves on her head.

“Angelcake!” Lemonade called to the Pokemon. “Get down here! I wanna ask you something!”

The Hoppip yawned and looked down at Lemonade. “What is it?”

“Did you see any black birds around here?” the Raichu asked.

The pink cottonweed drifted down and landed on Lemonade’s head. “No. Why’d you ask?”

“Get everyone here,” Lemonade said to the Hoppip. “I want to make sure everyone knows about this.”

Complying, Angelcake the Hoppip floated over to a small ledge and let out a whistle. Within a few seconds, a bunch of Taillow, Wurmple, Slakoth, Poochyena, Zigzagoon, Shroomish, and all of their evolved forms gathered to where Lemonade was.

“Okay, Lemonade,” Angelcake said. “Everyone’s here.”

Lemonade stepped up, looked at the Pokemon, and explained everything from the fake Dustox to the encounter of Deviri to them. The crowd occasionally talked amongst themselves about the situation, but it was not until Lemonade brought up Cinnamon seeing the light that he really caught the Pokemon’s attention. To some, the dark birds and the light were linked. To others, they were just separate omens that were prophesizing a catastrophe for Hoenn. Whatever the case, the Pokemon could not help but worry.

A butterfly Pokemon, however, felt that there was some light in the currently spreading darkness. In an attempt to raise to raise everyone’s now worried spirits, she stood next to Lemonade.

“Lemonade did say that the new Guardian is doing something about this, right?” she said.

Angelcake sighed at the vain attempt. “Sugar, I appreciate you trying to lighten things up like you usually do, but I’m getting the feeling that the last Guardian passed down his position a bit too early. No offense, but I don’t think I’ll be buying that ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ attitude of yours this time after hearing what Lemonade told us.”

“One of the chosen ones is found,” the Butterfree named Sugar said, trying to reassure the Hoppip.

“Yeah…” Angelcake said, a bit irritated. “But there are five more left out there!”

“There’s something else we need to worry about,” a Swellow said. “Lemonade said that the girl with the Treecko started crying when some dust surrounded her and said something about her mother and a car accident. If whoever’s behind this can break down one of the chosen ones like that, I don’t think that things will be looking bright.”

Sugar moaned. Despite her usual good spirits, there was nothing that could change what was happening. The Butterfree looked at Lemonade, hoping that he would have some, if not all, of the answers.

“I still don’t understand why Deviri would come to this part of the Light Universe,” a Shroomish said. “She’d normally care less about what happens here as long as it doesn’t involve her world.”

“It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either, Shiitake,” Lemonade said.

“Unless…” Shiitake the Shroomish turned away from Lemonade and the Pokemon and started to mumble. “A chain reaction between the Light and Shadow Universes will throw them both off balance and destroy them. In order for that to happen, someone has to destroy the source of Hoenn… which is the Golden Gateway. With the things Lemonade told us… If my theory about that light and Radish Ruins is true, then…”

***

In a far away temple, a bright shine caught the eye of a brown rhino-like Pokemon. He could not make out what it was, but upon closer inspection, it appeared to be something gold and pointed.

“It’s probably just some piece of junk,” the Rhyhorn mumbled to himself.

Finally, he dug up a small piece of glass that appeared to be a crooked diamond of some sort. For a few seconds, he was silent, but then something came to his mind.

“What would something like this be doing here? Maybe Roxanne--”

The Rhyhorn’s pondering was interrupted when an eerie, black glow surrounded the shard. Out of panic, he dropped the piece of glass, but instead of falling to the ground, it shot up into the air until it attached itself the ceiling. Bolts of dark lightning combined with a swirling wind were emanating from the shard, and black birds suddenly appeared and attacked the spiked Pokemon.

“Fudge! Get out of the way!”

The Rhyhorn turned around to see a girl with brown hair in slightly messy pigtails and dark skin. Seeing that she would take care of the situation at hand, Fudge knocked the birds back with his horn before finally getting out of the way.

The girl jumped into the air. With her foot out, she spun around as a red glow spread from her foot to the top of her leg.

“Magma Flare!”

The red glow shot quickly from her leg and became a shockwave that knocked some of the birds out of the air.

“Nice going, Connie!” Fudge said with a smile.

Connie landed beside the Rhyhorn. “Thanks. I’m sure it’ll keep them down.”

Still, it was too early to celebrate. There were still many birds to fight, and only a girl and a shiny Rhyhorn stood in their way…

End of Chapter 6


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