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Quote:
The start of sadness dawn it was morning and my mind was still feeble the world was still smiling at me no pains or wounds can be seen on me everyday before the start of sadness dawn my life was perfect untill came one part of the world that tried to hurt me i dont know why but he started acting weird he hated me so much that i coudnt take it anymore so i went to ask the world for help but he ignored me he said i was a whiner and i always ask for help i got angry and i punched him in the face but the world did not gave up he swore that he will make my life the worst and so i saw the dawn staring at me so sadly that the dawn even ignored everyhting i said i felt so alone that day i felt that the world threw me into a dark place scince then i became alone everyday everytime i go home, a scar or wound can be seen i always sleep with tears falling down on my face i cudnt think about the happy days before the start of sadness dawn it was clouded by the sadness i felt everyday i shall regret i ever knew the world i shall regret the day i ever met them.... how they became my friends... and so as i leave these last words the start of sadness dawn will be within my heart... forever a little something about the poem: it inspired me to make this poem when i was thinking of when my sadness started. and i figured out that it was from a kid whom i met in 6th grade that i had a little argument. he got hurt and embarassed so bad, that when i became highschool, he became tougher than usuall. i got a bit weak and then i refused to fight back. and then, he had many friends and i only had 2 (besides Witch girl pilar) but i somehow survived and i tried to "fit in" but they wont let me. so until now, i am still trying to fit in. its a bit sad, i gotta say. |
The story you added to the poem was a little more exciting than the poem, in my opinion.
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oh...well umm...what do you think i should do? no really? honestly i really am in need of tips and tricks i kinda suck! but not too much that is! lol!
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I suggest you scrap the entire thing and start over. It would be easier than revising.
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I would have said that, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
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You know what I do when I come across a story that has been brutally abused and is bad to the point that it's almost deleted but just has the perfect plot, story or characters? I open up the file, then open up a new file, hilight the important things in the story I want to keep and I just add them to the new document and work with them.
It works most of the time. When it doesn't, I put the document in the Demon Folder XD |
hmm....maybe the admant doger has a point. thas okay the hunk, i did made it in a rush so maybe i need to recap a few bits o' that thing. but its gonna take a while. still, i wont give up! oh yeah! im also gonna start writing small and simple love poems soon! i can feel it!
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Now I like poems with a little romance in them. They are so amazing. Most are good unless they get a little to explained, in a sence.
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I just love love poems they make me want to cry...
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Quote:
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I do not cry to often when I read stories. However there have been a few stories in which I have cried over.
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man! i just had a rough thursday! man! well im not making too much poetry these days coz i have to prepeare for a role playing next week and the bad part is, my role stinks!
okay heres a just-made 2 poems. the other one is kinda ugly but ill renew it once i get your comments: Humiliation at the start of fall The rain began pouring down my lonliness can be seen anywhere starting from my accident in the classroom from the laughing and yelling of the world saying things im not who i am they think im a person i least wanted to be this has led to me of the thought that this was no mere bad luck the leaves of fall showers me as i walk to the neverending road where the world never gets tired where the world never gets tired of bringing me down if only i was free to scream at them to say what i feel to them to say what i feel to them i wish that maybe someday this humiliation will vanish one day that the world will not tell me what to do but what am i saying? it can never happen to a person like me i can never see the sunshine that i once saw i will always wonder in the worlds back never thinking of anything but to live a lonely life and heres that love poem i did this is the ugly one Missing You people all around me everywhere that i go they all watch me like im some kind of show but i dont mind them i dont care what they say at me my world is at end untill i met you one day i saw you in a crowd, and you stand out amongst them your face can never be replaced by anyone for now but you where just an image in my head im alone again you image is gone i cant see it anymore my world is trapped in a cage forever i try to think of you everynight but i could find you anymore your'e lost inside my head im missing you now i can see hope through you i can see my happines through you but now that your gone i cant do anything but to forget you..... |
Pretty cool. I like it. I do not think I would change anything specifically. It is just good.
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oh yay! thanks! but do you think the last one stinks? that was a little bit depressing too. but honestly, i didnt cry when i made this.
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Poetry rocks. I've been trying to get a few of mine published. I actually have a thread in Poetry, check it out if you want. Or, if you're a bum, here's the link: TAD's Poetry Anthology.
Anyways, I'm proud of myself (though my teachers may not be). Today, during classes, I managed to write one short story and two new poems. I'll type 'em up and post 'em soon as I can. |
you said it admant doger! poetry does rock! lol! well, ive made another one and its a bit long so, i just hope you and the other members like it:
Untrusted you said i could always count on you whenever i needed you but instead, you were the one who always needed my help you where always laughing at every great things ive done you said it looked stupid but theres nothing more stupid than you i always thought that friends where supposed to help each other but i thank you for changing that you have showed me the bad things the world can do to me you said as long as we would stick together we'd be alright we'd be okay but i was stupid and you broke me down ill never forget the day you destroyed me but when the tables turn youll remember me youll be wishing i was there for you but all will be there is an image of me laughing at you and as time goes by youll wonder why youre all alone when you wake up you always call me but now that ive realized, i always hang up before you could speak you wish youve never done the things that the world is doing to me right now now is the time that you should disappear in my memory ill be fine as soon as i get your picture right out of my mind... so? how was it? its alittle bit rough, but i think it should do |
As a rough copy, it has potential, but it needs a great deal of refining. the idea is solid, but you stick to people rather bluntly. Try being a little more oblique.
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uhh....okay thanks! sure and im gonna post my new one tom. im gonna sleep first *yawn*
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