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Frostweaver's Writing Academy
And finally, Frostweaver started his own thread as a place to dump all of his fanfic reviews ^^; As in the past, feel free to submit a Pokemon fanfic review request to me if you are not afraid of life-threatening remarks or heartbreaking comments. In an unlimited time limit, I'll eventually get around to read your story. A fanfic review will only be rejected if the story is totally unbearable because of its gruesomeness or excessive usage of violence (and anything that I strongly feel uncomfortable with. I need to have some right, after all.)
The marking criteria is based on a mark out of 100. A story is evaluated from all different aspects and viewpoints. Be aware that getting a failing mark *is* possible, and it happened before, so don't whine about it. Any stories with a mark of 90 and higher will be awarded with the "Standard of Excellence"title, and a link to their story (along with a short summary) will be posted here as well. These stories will be listed here by alphabetical order and not by marks. Basically, good stories are rewarded with free story advertizing opportunities. Writers may now quality to have multiple stories winning the "Standard of Excellance" award. However, if an author did not update a novel/trilogy even once within half a year, then his or her stories will be taken off the list. Unless you are Frosty's pairup/friends, there is no exception to this rule. If you dare to ask for a fanfic review, you can directly post here. Be sure to include a link to your story in your fanfic review request, so I don't have to spend time in hunting down your story. When I finish with your fanfic review, a PM will be sent to notify you. In the meantime, in this first post of the thread, there will be a Waiting List showing all the fanfic review requests from different authors. If you're wondering how long is it going to be until it's your turn, check the Waiting List yourself. I'll look forward to your fanfic review requests ^__^ Winner of the Academy's "Standard of Excellence" (this section is under construction, but the links are working) Quote:
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http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=41544
Could you review chapter 4 of HMW? I've been waiting for quite a while (since I sent that PM WAY back) |
sweet, my summary's up, and you managed to shorten what I originally submitted very nicely. Just so everyone knows, this story is written and posted very differently from the majority of stories out there, so it's recommendable you read the first post in the thread to have a good understanding.... but god, that first post's badly in need of an update.
BTW, I am serious about turning this into a doujinshi drama series, with the script and plot outline (IOW, the fic I'm posting right now) currently on its second revision (yeah, I think there're still many things I should change, but for now, I'm leaving them because I intend to get through the whole story before revising again). If it's not apparent enough in my writing, I really make an effort to give it the element of a commercial series. If anyone ever happened to professionally review anime or manga for some site, please give PMC a look, because any comments from you may prove extremely helpful. |
@ Guilty, by Dragonfree {Fanfiction of the Month for Oct, 2005}
Title- 4/5 5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story 4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story 3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich 2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories 1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories I'm pretty sure that "guilty" doesn't pin-point Scyther and the trainer's feelings. Scyther is partially guilty of the innocent blood (or so it seems, at least, reading Guilty alone without ch. 27), but it doesn't summarize the last half of the short story, especially the important scene of drinking the beer. A suggestion of escape seems to be much more fitting. Narrative Manner- 4/5 5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story 4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story 3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story 2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect 1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story Oh so close! It started really well with 3rd Person Objective, but then it went downhill as it changed to 3rd Person Omniscient. Just like the dialogues, everything gets more literal and obvious. It destroys/clashes with the mysterious scene in the beginning of the story. There's only 3 mainstream for any writing: plot-oriented (example: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter series) or theme-oriented (example: To Kill a Mockingbird, Lord of the Flies). Finally, there's the best of the three which is a mix of both (example: the first Matrix movie.) Short stories don't have the length to develop an excellent, intensive and unpredictable plot, so most of the time it heads towards the theme-oriented direction. This means that the theme is the central idea, while all other elements of writing points towards the common idea including the plot (where plot-oriented is the reverse, as everything is made to strengthen the plot while paying little attention to the theme, or have a simple/very obvious theme.) "Guilty"'s plot isn't that spectacular, so it's most likely a theme-oriented story as well. Since that is the case, the theme shouldn't really be so obvious or literal. There's only two things I got out of the story no matter how hard I try to look under the surface, and this problem exists probably because the surface has told me everything already. Look back to "Chains" and you will see the difference. You don't get anything sensible out of "Chains"'s literal meaning, and you need to re-read "Chains" over and over again in order to start understanding the true idea of the story. "Guilty" just failed to share that same charm. Grammar/Coherence- 9/10 10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot Oneshots always get the upperhand here. Shorter length means less room for errors. A mark off for coherence. The problem is discussed later on other sections. Major Character(s)- 13/15 14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant 12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant 11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant 9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant 7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision. 5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount. 1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters. Not really sure if the trainer or Scyther is multi-faceted. They do have 2 sides, but then both of them are actually identical underneath. It's a blind man's poor attempt to lead another blind man to cross the road. The trainer thinks that he is helping his Scyther by answering Scyther's questions, but really they are both at the same place walking in circles. But then, I suppose that being apathetic is better than being suicidal... There was a part about the drink being forgotton, and Scyther listened with curiosity. That part really bugs me because it clashes with what's happening before AND what's happening after. It's awkward... Part of the problem is the conversation, and I already talked about that earlier in the review. There's a LOT of potentials to strengthen the theme by describing the trainer. We actually know nothing about him physically. His physical appearance can be easily abused to portray the central idea for this story. Scyther's appearance is pretty good. It can be even better if the blade is actually dull. Now since this is treated as a seperate story from Quest for the Legends, the fact that Pokemon can talk will once again, become a problem... not sure how you can possibly fix this though without relating back to Quest for the Legends. Minor Character(s)- omit/10 9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways 7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story 6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story 4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story 1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story no minor characters, so omit Story Details- 10/10 9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components 7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components 5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered 3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged 1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged The curiosity part is mentioned already, being a relative eyesore. The setting of the small room is a very nice choice. Almost everything about the beer is worth a round of applause. Conflict- 5/5 5 At least 3 conflicts are present, good and evil cannot be divided 4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, good and evil are questionable 3 Man vs. Man along other conflicts, but good and evil are obvious 2 Man vs. Man only, good and evil are obvious 1 Man vs. Man only, ending is highly predictable An obvious "Man vs. Self" with "Man vs. Society" for minor support. Doesn't have 3 conflict, but this story doesn't need it. Diction/Tone- 13/15 14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable 12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant 10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant 8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant 6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant 1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author Tone of the trainer... that's something to improve on. There's only one case where his false tongue betrayed him, and that's when he swore. It'll be even better if there are more cases like that throughout the story. There's a relatively lack of evidence from the trainer himself that he is a hypocrite, and so far only the beer and the swearing really proves it if we exclude the huge support from the setting. The character should be able to support that too, and not just the setting alone. Author is obviously biased for Scyther here, because once again Scyther's tone is just fine. Diction melts in with the setting and Scyther's actions. They are great choices for the story. Story Structure- 13/15 14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components 12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components 10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components 8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components 6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components 4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components 1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components I'm not sure about this one... everything made great sense to me except for the very last line of the story: Scyther's question. It really doesn't suggest anything new, as it only reinforces a well-known idea that the trainer and Scyther are two of the same person. In fact, it takes away from the story because just 2 sentences ago, there's the perfect line (in my humble opinion) to end the story with: "he just stares at the bowl in front of him, deep in thought. Finally he starts lapping up the drink again." It would have been so beautiful... at least to me. Effort- 10/10 9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Authors re-read and editing are apparent. 7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary. 5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary. 1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices. No obvious mistakes, and there's probably a fair amount of editing going on to fit the setting so well for the story. Literal Device Bonus- + 3/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony 2/2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols 1/3, Theme /3) Total: 84/90 => 93/100 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE} I seemed to talk ill of this story quite a bit, but the relationship between Scyther and his trainer is quite interesting, and realistic in most senses. This story got nothing but this special relationship, along with some small secrets about the trainer's faulty character, but it manages to show the relationship very well. Again, I'll be needing a summary from you for this story of yours for the Academy. ^_^ |
Thanks for the review. =D Some comments:
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Oh, and that is also a part of why I chose to name it Guilty; he's on the way to becoming guilty of abusing alcohol. Quote:
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At least, thanks for the Standard of Excellence. ^_^; Summary... hmm... "A Scyther is saved from suicidal thoughts by his trainer..." Or something in that direction. I like the irony in "saved"... |
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(note: now it is possible for someone to tell the truth/recall the past correctly while being drunk, but to write it out becomes a lot harder. That situation only occurs unintentionally 90% of the time, especially with spilling out secrets, and hence the saying "the only people who do not lie in this world are children and the drunk." Alcohol promotes the lack of control, so usually the drunkard's recall of the past will be either unintentional, or a betrayal against the drunkard from deep within... either way, I'll discourage writing against the odds and the extreme difficulty.) |
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And also, your PM box is full so I'll tell you right here. I need a summary for your current Standard of Excellance winning story ^^; I need it so I can put a summary for your story (like how FFNet does it). |
Oh, OK, I'll write one up and give it to you, like, tomorrow ^____^
*goes off to look for the links to old stories to be re-rated* |
@ Reflect, by Act
Title- omit/5 5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story 4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story 3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich 2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories 1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories I'll go for an omit on this one. Nothing wrong with the title, but it's too early in the story to decide if the title is revelant or symbolic for the story. Narrative Manner- 5/5 5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story 4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story 3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story 2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect 1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story -By the way, "1st Person Omniscient" is part of "1st Person Narrative" because that just means the 1st person narrator is a god/legendary-whatever/writer him/herself. Nothing to complain here. The narrative manner is definitely one of the best ones I've seen in a very long time since Brian01. Grammar/Coherence- 7/10 10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot Quote:
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"not happy" => "unhappy" Quote:
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"gene" needs a s (need the plural form) "some thing" should be one word. Quote:
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Use whomever instead of whoever in order to be technicaly, but then again "whom" is slowly being completely replaced by "who" now. You always use "whom" if the sentence/phrase following the word does not have any form of the verb "to be" in it. Otherwise, "who" is used. ("Whom did this?" is correct and not "Who did this?" as the verb "to be" isn't following "whom" in the rest of the sentence. "Who is it?" is correct as the verb "to be" is used in the form of "is." "Whom is it?" isn't correct here.) Quote:
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What's with the "why" in his life? I didn't get that and it sounded wrong together with life and love there. Major Character(s)- 15/15 14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant 12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant 11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant 9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant 7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision. 5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount. 1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters. Hmm... who else got the feeling that it's the NARRATOR who's actually the most important character of all? ;p We actually know more about the narrator than everyone else in the story combined. I'm pretty sure I can rant on quite a bit about the narrator. As for Negrek's comments about all those "off topic" comments of the narrator, I don't find them annoying because I don't believe that the "story" is the main focus anyway... Minor Character(s)- omit/10 9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways 7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story 6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story 4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story 1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story Using the above mindset again how the narrator is the only major character, this makes everyone else a minor character. I'm not sure how I should treat them because the narrator jumps ALL over the place in terms of description, which is something that's usually bad to see. Yet, the inconsistency in narration is part of the description for the major character so you can't say that it's wrong... so um... in the end... omit? Whatever is "lacking" for the minor characters is a result of a character trait of the narrator, so you can't blame anything as a "mistake" for having too little description about the minor characters... really, this story is about HOW the narrator tells the story, and not about WHAT is the story anyway. Story Details- 9/10 9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components 7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components 5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered 3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged 1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged Quote:
I don't really get what's going on when the narrator mentions Emmett's sister. I think it's mostly a grammar mistake that makes the section awkward and hard to understand. It's talking about Emmett's appearance but then suddenly talked about his sister... weird. I don't think "Ian Jordan" rhymes just because the spelling got the "an" there. Ian stresses the "I" so it doesn't reall rhyme to me... ah well. Generally it gives a fair amount of indirect insight into the narrator, which is the point of this story (to my opinion). The only complaint I got is that it's usually the same information repeated to the readers over and over again... nothing much that's new. Conflict- omit/5 5 At least 3 conflicts are present, good and evil cannot be divided 4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, good and evil are questionable 3 Man vs. Man along other conflicts, but good and evil are obvious 2 Man vs. Man only, good and evil are obvious 1 Man vs. Man only, ending is highly predictable None, so omit again. Diction/Tone- 15/15 14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable 12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant 10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant 8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant 6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant 1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author Quote:
Diction is the heart of character description here. It's pretty interesting to see that the narrator uses a wrong word that doesn't fit the connotation (but works in the denotation department) and turns a sentence against his/her will instead. Story Structure- 15/15 14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components 12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components 10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components 8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components 6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components 4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components 1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components One of the most original I've ever seen. I haven't read any fanfics that's based on the narrator for a very long time. Effort- 10/10 9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Authors re-read and editing are apparent. 7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary. 5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary. 1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices. Literal Device Bonus- + 2/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style 1/1, Foil 1/1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3) Total: 78/80 => 98/100 *note: this type of story sends this marking system to a complete break down with millions of omits, and the fact that any errors but grammar mistakes are a result of the narrator's character can dodge anything that appears "wrong" on this sytem... in the end, this mark isn't going to be an accurate one. |
Hehehehe... I broke the reviewer!
xD |
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Hoenn Mirror World (v 3) Ch.4 and onwards by Strawberry Delcatty
Title- 4/5 5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story 4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story 3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich 2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories 1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories Nothing much to say here... titles are relevant and descriptive, but is limited to the literal level. However, good titles are almost impossible to think of. Narrative Manner- omit/5 5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story 4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story 3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story 2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect 1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story omit... last time we talked about this already. It's unfair to take off a mark again for the same thing. Grammar/Coherence- 8/10 10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot -The part in ch.4 regarding the mirror wand and rainbow pokeballs has used the same type of sentence over and over again. It sounds a bit boring to read. That paragraph can probably be broken down to two smaller ones instead, and add a small dialogue to make it more interesting. Quote:
"ended up losing" => "lost," so again, there's some funny wordings like that Major Character(s)- 13/15 14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant 12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant 11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant 9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant 7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision. 5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount. 1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters. I personally think that Mirror Mariah warms up a bit too quickly to Mariah. It doesn't sound too reasonable for Mirror Mariah to tell her that she doesn't remember her life before she became the Guaridan of Hoenn. It sounds pretty private to me, and these two girls are basically strangers... What is "in common" to you? I personally think that the phrase doesn't describe Mariah and Mirror Mariah very well. They may think about the same problem, but I personally regard "in common" to act the same... yeah. The sudden appearance of the Diamond Wand sounds pretty iffy... it's as if the author can't pull off a cool trick in battle using the current Pokemon at hand, so she just have to invent something to get the heroines out of the hole. To solve this problem, it's best to mention or hint the existance of items for Guardian Mariah (that sounds so much better than Mirror Mariah) to regain portions of her power, so the items don't seem to come out of nowhere. On top of that, this wand got a conflict in terms of its name on the Pokemon department. We *all* know what the next generation of games are called, right? >>; "Blue, Yellow, Green, Red, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Pearl, Diamond" shouldn't be used for any name at all in order to avoid unintentional allusions. Minor Character(s)- 9/10 9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways 7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story 6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story 4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story 1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story You do remember that Mariah and Guaridan Mariah look exactly alike, right? I'm rather surprised that Norman didn't question Mariah's identity at all, unlike that of everyone else, even Lemonade... Awkward. I'll treat the girls' Pokemon as minor characters. Now Lemonade is dead loyal but at least we do get some history about him (former guardian's Pokemon.) Have Mudkip said anything yet? I don't think so... Treecko's connection with the inexistant Pokemon ("diamond tail pokemon") is an interesting start, and hopefully it will lead us to a good path. Overall, there seems to be a very strong basis for most Pokemon. It'll be even better if we get to see some more of Mudkip so Mudkip's development will also start at the same place... it'll suck to see Mudkip lag behind the others. This section improved significantly since v2. Keep up the good work! Story Details- 7/10 9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components 7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components 5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered 3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged 1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged The part in the beginning of ch.4 regarding the rainbow pokeballs and the mirror wand is slightly confusing... I still don't know what happened to Treecko there. How did Raichu manage to break through the gust attack from Dark Dustox anyway? We can certainly use a lot more explanations on that... As far as I know, this part of the battle is just like all of Ash's- it happened because it happened (example: Noctowl using confusion against the entire gym to hit Gengar in the gym battle against Morty. It worked this way just because... it's a strategy, but it's a very weak and boring one, just like using "protect.") Quote:
Girafarig and Rattata created a contradiction with each other. So wild Rattata got access to Fury Swipes (egg move) but Girafarig can't use Psychic (TM carry-over egg move)? Like, what if the Girafarig's father got psychic... watch out for your consistancy here. I'll just throw in extrasensory here because that results in an illegal moveset, and that's exactly what you want. If all the writings are backward, then "P-UP" should be "PU-P" isn't it? heh... not a big thing at all though. Conflict- 3/5 5 At least 3 conflicts are present, “good and evil” cannot be divided 4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, “good and evil” are questionable 3 “Man vs. Man” along other conflicts, but “good and evil” are obvious 2 “Man vs. Man” only, good and evil are obvious 1 “Man vs. Man” only, ending is highly predictable Really straightforward conflict... but as long as this mark goes up as the story progresses, I won't worry about it. So far, the only questionable "evil " is Deviri, but so far she appears more as a rival-like character (randomly attacks main party, but never do them in, and gives hints that she really didn't have to give if she's all that bad) than the great antagonist of doom. Diction/Tone- 12/15 14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable 12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant 10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant 8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant 6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant 1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author Quote:
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Now is it really appropriate to use the word "rock" somewhere in the description for Iron Tail? Just because "rock" implies a rock elemental attack, Pokemon forbids this type of diction. "Bird" obviously doesn't suffice anymore as a good terminology for the dark beings. It first appeared as a Dark Torchic so of course you can call it a bird, but then in this chapter, I think that it's time to give them a more proper name than "Bird." Afterall, Torchic seems to be only one of their many forms, so why bother naming all of them after that one single form? Quote:
Story Structure- 12/15 14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components 12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components 10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components 8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components 6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components 4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components 1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components What Norman talked about is confusing regarding spirits, and etc etc... It certainly needs to be clarified. In my opinion, a better solution is probably to break it into multiple parts, and explain the concept slowly throughout several chapters. Now at the end of ch.5, I just realized that I got stuck with a major confusion. Is the Dark Torchic the same as the "dark birds" or not? o_O; I keep thinking that they are until Deviri reveals herself, and that certainly proves how they're not the same type at all... There are some other problems as well, but they have been mentioned already because they overlapped into another area... surely you can pick them out and you'll know what I'm talk about. Effort- 10/10 9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author’s re-read and editing are apparent. 7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary. 5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary. 1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices. Again, congratulations for being fanfiction of the month ^_^ Literal Device Bonus- + 0/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3) Battle scenarios can be greatly improved. They make up almost all the action scenes in this fanfic, so you should pay extra attention to them. Right now, most of them are pretty short and simple except for the first encounter with Magma. It'll be great to see the wands and the Pokemon work together more often for some more strategic battling. Total: 78/95 => 82/100 |
Very nice review. Glad I managed to stay above 80. In fact, I've only lost one point. =3
However, I do have some things to say. Quote:
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[SPOIL="SEQUEL SPOILERS"]Then I'll get rid of Pearl Mariah, Ruby Connie, Sapphire Cascadia, Emerald Lyoko, their attacks and Angeri's Diamond attacks, and some of the Spirit Crystals (Lifespirit Pearl, Earthspirit Ruby, Seaspirit Sapphire, Windspirit Emerald) too. In fact, I'll cancel part 2 and go straight to part three.[/SPOIL] Quote:
That's how it describes it in the games. Quote:
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Notice how when the canon uses those terms, they're usually "balanced" by each other, or exist in some form of an equilibrium?
Example: Ruby Plate vs Sapphire Plate (balance) Red orb vs Blue orb (balance) Those cases in the spoiler text *would have been fine* because you can tell how they're structured to be inter-related. However, the Diamond Wand is completely different. The opposite would have been Pearl, so you'll be expecting a Pearl Wand technically. However, it is shown to be a Crimson Wand, which breaks the balance of sort... In this case, I'll go for a rename for "Diamond" to be an adjective that is opposite to that of "Crimson." Afterall, those two Mariahs are complete opposites of each other in everything else, so how come their items' names aren't direct opposite of each other too? |
Frosty! You kinda owe me a review for my story...>>
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Would you be expecting "Pearl" to be associated with a devil-like character? Not really. Plus, I don't think "Diamond" would always have to be paired up with "Pearl". And yes, while I know I'll be violating canon with the colors, it's not that big of a deal. You're basically saying that red should always go with blue, yellow, and green. No red and black, no black and blue, and other stuff like that. EDIT: I forgot to mention something... Quote:
Plus, the Pokemon were poisoned at the time, so I doubt they could do anything until Angeri did something about it. |
(not finished... but going to reply here to "save" what I have so far)
~The Legendarian Chronicles~ Chibi Pika Title- 3/5 5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story 4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story 3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché 2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories 1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories It's not a very appealing main title... It's not that different from the numerous "legendary ____" out there. Personally, I strongly suggest all writers to avoid the word "legend" in their story titles like plague. As for the chapter titles, they aren't that attractive either. They don't suggest the seriousness that the story holds regarding the dark deeds of Team Rocket. Even the Pokemon Anime can use "Pikachu, we have a problem" as an episode title for something o_o; None of the other titles really stood out to me either. Narrative Manner- 5/5 5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story 4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story 3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story 2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect 1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story The narrative manner is well chosen. The beginning's 3rd person omniscient is effective to draw the readers' attention. The change to 1st person for Jade clearly seperates the background story from the actual beginning of the story very well. Is it normal for a first person account to retell this frightening experience of being kidnapped by Team Rocket in such precise and clear detail? She isn't that old either. I doubt that a first person account can do so at a time like that. The narrator's details betray the supposed "great fear" within her. I'm not sure if it's really such a good idea to switch to 3rd person narrative for a brief second to talk about the Rockets after Chibi unleashed the powerful attack. It defeats the purpose of the 1st person narrative to begin with- a realistic narrator who's close to action and isn't omniscient. Fortunately, this problem seems to be fixed later on in the story Grammar/Coherence- 9/10 10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot "the" earth... you need that article. On the other hand, species never require any article, so you just say "humans" and "Pokemon," not "the humans" and "the Pokemon." Quote:
Be careful regarding conjunctions and run-on sentences... "I assumed he was higher ranking" you need a "that" after assumed. This story barely suffers from any grammar mistakes... the mistakes are rare and far apart from each other. I'm not going to bother quoting all of them since that will take too long. I'll quote the relatively major ones from now on. Seems like Silverblaze got most of them anyway. Quote:
Major Character(s)- 13/15 14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant 12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant 11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant 9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant 7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision. 5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount. 1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters. You talked about the hair on 2 seperate occassions, basically repeating the same thing in ch.1. Cut one of those sentence out. It can be really boring that way to read 6 lines of what a Pikachu looks like, even if it is slightly different from an ordinary Pikachu... Aija really isn't making sense with her talk on sending out multiple Pokemon at once. Well, part of it is true, but then you have a wider option for combinations in attacks, and your Pokemon can support one another easily as a group. It's a seriously flawed strategy, and this flaw continues on in Stalker's short tutorial later on as well. I'll be quiet on Aija for now because somehow I think that she is... On another note about Aija, it doesn't seem very suitable to have Aija return for a chapter, and then she is never mentioned again at all by Jade. Afterall, Aija is/was her best friend, and after such an amazing adventure together, it only seems reasonable for Jade to bring Aija up from time to time. To me, this is quite a severe problem, as I'm even tempted to throw her into "Minor Characters" rating even though I feel that she is intended to be a major character. So far, it's easily the weakest of all major character... hope that in the future chapters, she will have a stronger character basis. Chibi doesn't impress me as much as the signature seems to suggest... I thought that he is pretty predictable o_O; However, just because he is predictable, it doesn't mean that he is a bad character. An experimental Pokemon that loaths the humans for 'controlling' Pokemon? I think I see something that's purple and white... Jade sounds underappreciated by your other viewers... I like her the most out of all major characters (yes, more than the spiky rat of electrifying doom.) Her narration can be classified as flawless after Chapter 1, and her narration is very precise and coherent to her character. I can easily envision the situation. Her narrated actions speak for herself, unlike many other narrators who lamely reads "I'm good at _______. I suck at ________." Plus, it's about time we see an original trainer who is actually terrible in battling. This negative trait of Jade actually makes her stand out above all other origianl trainers with unsurpassed realism. Great job on Jade's character! Minor Character(s)- 7/10 9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways 7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story 6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story 4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story 1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story Some characters, mostly Pokemon characters, also suffered a problem that the story comes to a complete halt in action just for the sake of physical descriptions... Always, always try to have something going on (like, any minor action, any verb) at the same time. Err Stalker (yes I see him as a pretty minor character) isn't very likable of a character actually. Seems to be a great guy, but then maybe I'm just picky about it? He is described to be "ahead of his teammates" once by Jade, and he forgot to find a way for The Rebellion to communicate with one another. The way how Stalker dispatched his agents on to important missions, such as interfering with the capturing of Raikou, isn't very realistic. He talked about battling but nothing on even general guidelines to stopping Team Rocket in field missions. It resulted in great confusion among his agents... sounds too unorganized for someone of his importance in the overthrowing of Team Rocket. Well, we'll see... As a character, he seems to be rather... poorly planned in comparison to all the others. His character is so general that he doesn't stand out at all if it isn't for his (fake) name. Just compare him in Chapter 1, and in Chapter 7, and he doesn't seem the same anymore. It's as if the author changed her mind about him, and then chose to develop him in another manner half way through the story. Rudy, Darren and Spencer are all pretty... ordinary. They're your usual cheerful little trainers pulled out from the gameboy game and the anime. They aren't that interesting if you ask me. They share the exact character as Swift and Firestorm, which is basically "no character." Darren and Spencer are definitely understandable if they are made that way, but Rudy is basically with Jade the entire time in the story, and deserves a bit of development. Tyson is probably the best minor character. He actually has an unique character (Tyson bickering with the executive after the crash landing is gold... hilarious scene that builds character as well) unlike the other minor character. It'll be very nice to see more human characters that have their unique trait like Tyson. He deserves a Rocket Cookie for being the 2nd best human character up to Chapter 8 (1st to Jade of course.) Ok really minor thing but it's the minor nitpicks that seperate excellent stories from legendary fanfics. Raikou is halted by Team Rocket due to their machinerys that are capable of absorbing and reflecting electric based attacks. So... what about Raikou's other attacks...? Like in Pokemon battling, it's best to consider all the moves available in the movepool, and ultilize as much of it as possible in order for action scenes to be more strategical and clever. Electric Pokemon using electric attacks? As what Lily loves to say, even in real life, "duh." If you don't think that you know the games well enough to do this, use SPP's pokedex and it will show you the Pokemon's movepools and ability traits (which is often neglected by most writers, and it should be constantly abused in order to heighten a battle's strategical setup.) Looking forward to see more experimental Pokemon in future chapters... they'll definitely be interesting. This fanfic, like most others, often put a heavier emphasize on the "darker" characters. They got more time to develop, and there's a higher percentage of these "dark" characters (such as the experimental Pokemon, Rocket members, and so on) who actually possess a unique character trait or personality. The good guys need some love too =( Yes, it's possible to be good and cool at the same time... Story Details- 10/10 9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components 7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components 5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered 3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged 1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged If it's that close to Viridian City, then it doesn't make much sense how basically no one else noticed the Rocket's attack on Entei, and the destruction of the nearby environment. It's not very believable. When Jade is opening the confiscated pokeballs, it's really hard to believe that Razors, the Pikachu and Tyson are still continuing their battle without being even slightly distracted by the sudden appearance of an entire herde of potential enemies (and like what Jade narrated, some of them are formidable and powerful Pokemon.) It's hard to believe that Jade got the time, undistracted by the others, to open all these pokeballs and see Rudy. Don't forget that Tyson probably got weapons of his own besides Razors (or other Pokemon) that can be used to fight Jade and the confiscated Pokemon. It doesn't make sense how no one interfered or even commented on what Jade in in those... 10 paragraphs? ... Wait! The explanation came at the very end AFTER all of that happened already? Hmm we can certainly move the explanation up front. Houndour has an illegal moveset containing Quick Attack. It's really not so thrilling to see an ordinary Pokemon with an illegal moveset =/ Try not to twist the canon unless necessary. Karen's talk about new recruits sound pretty lax, especially about those who joined for the heck of it... it kind of clashes the tough appearnace you've made for Team Rocket in the beginning. The battle against Umbreon isn't very realistic... Umbreon's strong trait is its great defensive ability that is comparable to those of Claydol and Weezing if we exclude type dis/advantages o_o; How did it get knocked out by 3 non-super-effective attacks shall forever be a mystery. Nevertheless, story details are probably one of the strongest points for this fanfic. It spends a lot of time patching up plotholes from the canon with fairly satisfying reasonings and explanations. Most of the time it changed the canon to only fix it up. Small, fine details strengthens the 1st person narrative manner, and it makes everything very real. It gives good insights to how the Pokemon World functions, and even some indirect character description. Conflict- 5/5 5 At least 3 conflicts are present, “good and evil” cannot be divided 4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, “good and evil” are questionable 3 “Man vs. Man” along other conflicts, but “good and evil” are obvious 2 “Man vs. Man” only, good and evil are obvious 1 “Man vs. Man” only, ending is highly predictable It's pretty easy to see who's good and who's bad here... However, there are numerous amount of conflicts and plotlines that are going on simultaneously, which is worth mentioning. It keeps the story alive and interesting. It's fair to say that this balances the fact that good and evil are relativley easy to find. Diction/Tone- 13/15 14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable 12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant 10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant 8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant 6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant 1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author Quote:
-the first sentence got some interesting content, but its presentation can use some work. It sounds like the beginning of an explanation as if this is an essay, and it lacks strength... essays are never interesting to read. -"tons of water" is very casual and also lacks strength. Use "within the depths" instead of "deep under tons of water" to emphasize the mysterious atmosphere. -the legendary's ancient power doesn't have much to do with its knowledge on "the time." I'll put this fact in with the previous sentence, or start a new one. -the last sentence is a very weak ending compare to the rest of the paragraph. Again, stay away from words that imply a casual tone such as "talked about." Generally, if a word has a very vague definition (eg. stuff, thing, talk, say) then it's probably very casual in tone. If the word has a specific yet abstract meaning, it is the word you're looking for. You'll probably want to keep up the seriousness throughout the section where the narrator talks of the legendary creature. "That was as it was" has so many "was" that it sounds repetitive. Always strive to use a word no more than once in a sentence, even if it is an article or a basic verb like "is." There are some other words that can be replaced by a more specific word. An example... "The ground started to sink, revealing a sort of ramp that led downward into darkness." The word "descend" can easily replace "led downward" and "descend" is a stronger word in tone as well. Quote:
Ok this is happening a bit too often... out of all the repetitive words, "and" seems to be the worse of them. Try using other conjunctions to replace "and." I find less and less things to pick on regarding diction as I progress through the story. Obviously, this section seems to be improving rather quickly, which is always a good sign. Story Structure- 13/15 14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components 12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components 10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components 8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components 6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components 4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components 1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components Quote:
As for what happened with the Dark Crystal before the explosion, you completely lost me there... I'm pretty confused about it =/ That part can use some clarity. In this section, the prophecy is mentioned again, but it appeared at a time that it seems almost as if it's completely irrelevant. Usually, writers use mythical or legendary prophecies in order to heighten the suspense or the seriousness of a situation, but it failed to do so here. Besides for the Dark Crystal, everything is pretty well planned out in terms of plot. This story has an interesting way to start, and new kinds of danger constantly appears to keep the action going. Effort- 10/10 9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author’s re-read and editing are apparent. 7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary. 5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary. 1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices. Literal Device Bonus- + 2/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony 1/2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme 1/3) Total- 87/100 Don't give up that this story didn't score into the 90s. I certainly see the potential of this story shooting into that range. The story is still early in development, and I personally sense that it won't be Chibi, but probably Aija, who holds the potential to bring this story to a new height in popularity (provided that they aren't scared of this story's length ;p) I wonder if anyone else saw something "strange" about Aija, or am I just thinking about it too much? Either way, I place my bet on her. Definitely, this story got a lot of potential... keep it going! |
I suppose it may be too early to reply since you're not done, but what the hey.
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I'm not sure how to defend the title. It's mostly symbolic of a plotline that comes in much later in the fic, mainly concerning the events that happened a thousand years ago. In any case, I hate the prologue. Were it not for its absolute necessity as far as backstory and forshadowing, I would've changed it ages ago. Is it alright if I please, please, please request that you at least read chapter one before posting the full review? *Runs off to edit stuffs and crud ><* EDIT: I changed some stuff, not sure if I made it better or not... ~Chibi~ |
I'm gonna post my new comments as a separate post so it gets noticed *shot for double posting* ><
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As for his character...well...*shuts up quickly.* Quote:
Meh, I gotta go, bell just rang >> I'll add other comments later today *is very thankful that you didn't notice the uber-plot hole in chapter 3 XP* ~Chibi~ |
Major plothole? You mean like, a living Aerodactyl processed by a super young and not-so-famous trainer? Aija seems to have suddenly return, yet after the battle Aija and Jade act like they have always been together. Why would Jade moving to New Bark Town affect Aija at all really? My take on it is that Aija herself is highly questionable, and if anything, she's <censored just in case if Frosty predicts wrongly.> If my guess is right, then it'll explain a lot of Aija's awkwardness.
As Silverblaze mentioned, there does seem to be a period of time where the Rockets aren't battling Jade's party at all. But then, there's still Espeon and Aerodactyl out there against the Rockets even though it's not mentioned. It's first person narrative. If the narrator shifts her focus away from the battle on to something else, then of course it's not going to be mentioned even if it is still on-going, right? So, what is the "major plothole" in chapter 3 anyway? |
Smitten, by Akinari
Title- 5/5 5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story 4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story 3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché 2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories 1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories Nothing much to say here except that it's original (I can't recall any other "Smitten") and it fits. The title is even used in the later part of the story. Oneshots always have an advantage that it's easier to find a suitable title. Narrative Manner- 5/5 5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story 4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story 3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story 2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect 1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story 1st person narrative shows the initial shock that Yellow is crossdressing better than all the other narratives. It is a perfect choice. Grammar/Coherence- 7/10 10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story 6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot 1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot Quote:
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Verb tenses shouldn't jump back and forth... verb tenses should always stay in the past tense unless the action continues on from back then all the way up until now. Green used past tense in this entire narration, so why would he talk about "tonight" when it's actually in the past? Use "that night" instead. Quote:
There's even more sentences that aren't independent and needs to join with each other... try to fix those ones. For a short story of this length, there can be a lot less grammar mistakes... Major Character(s)- 13/15 14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant 12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant 11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant 9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant 7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision. 5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount. 1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters. Again, it's a near flawless section for this story. Yellow barely talks so how hard is it to portrait her accurately, especially when she is pretty stereotypical as a shy little girl in the manga. So there's nothing much to say about her here. I only read synopsis of the manga so I'm not sure if Yellow really uses "______-sama" that much, so I'll ignore that one. As for Green, I'm not sure if I'm really hearing Green or is Frosty hearing "Niko" narrating in the middle of the story? Remember that it's first person, so you will have to try to write as Green rather than yourself. I'm very sure that the numerous account of "eyes" (that word is used more than any other noun excluding pronouns in the story too) meeting then sparkle is such a typical Niko-style writing, and I'm pretty sure that Green doesn't record these kinds of details (or at least, not talk about eyes and eyes meeting THAT much.) I know that the point of the oneshot is to see how Green softens up to Yellow on that night, then toughens up again, but that is getting slightly out of hand. I'm pretty sure that Green doesn't think exactly like you even though I only read synopsis about the manga, and if he does like Yellow, he'll like her more than just "eyes" "dazzing eyes" and "blue eyes" (YGO pun not intended.) I'm pretty sure that if Green likes Yellow, it'll be for her character, and how she summons up her courage for the task at hand even though she basically has none. You did talk about it a bit, but it's nowhere as developed as "the eyes." I'll strongly recommand you to shift the attention from "the eyes" to talk more about Yellow's character, and how that is likable in Green's perceptions. The ending of the story is very well done. It's very believable for Green to handle the situation in this exact same manner. No marks are given based on multi-facets because the characters are not original, and that the oneshot is trying to portrait the characters to be as close as those of the original. So, no marks loss even though Yellow has basically only two facets (and Blue gave her one of the two, so one of them isn't even really hers,) less than all the manga characters. Minor Character(s)- omit/10 9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways 7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story 6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story 4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story 1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story No minor characters, so omit Story Details- 8/10 9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components 7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components 5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered 3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged 1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged Nothing too much to say here... it's basically rewriting a very short and specific scene from the manga, with the author adding what he thinks will be running through Green's mind at that moment. It's so closely tied in with character, so just look back up there. Since this is a romance story and it's in first person narrative as well, all details come from the character... Conflict- 5/5 5 At least 3 conflicts are present, “good and evil” cannot be divided 4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, “good and evil” are questionable 3 “Man vs. Man” along other conflicts, but “good and evil” are obvious 2 “Man vs. Man” only, good and evil are obvious 1 “Man vs. Man” only, ending is highly predictable Obviously, the "good and evil" objective can't be applied here so ignore that from the marking guide... How else can you write conflicts for a romance story besides this? There's the "triangle" relationship, and internal problem (and Green decided to give up the relationship because his duty is more important.) So, this story got them all. Very tempting to just omit it cause it seems like this fanfic is stealing so much marks from me... Diction/Tone- 13/15 14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable 12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant 10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant 8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant 6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant 1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author "get warmth" works grammatically but it sounds so awkward to say that I just have to throw it here... o_O;; Green keeps shifting between apprentice and student for Yellow... now usually we do try to use different words so everything is not as boring, but in this case I think that you should consider being more consistent in student or apprentice. The word that's chosen reveals what Green thinks of Yellow. Student is closer, while apprentice is farther away, and for a romance story, these words that hint on a relationship is quite important. As we mentioned already, all the "eye"-talk doesn't fit very well as a tone for Green, even when he softens... tone builds the backbone for a romance story, so again, refer all the way back up there in character. Quote:
Story Structure- omit/15 14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components 12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components 10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components 8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components 6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components 4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components 1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components It's such a short, specific scene from the manga that what can I possibly say about story structure... omit Effort- 8/10 9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author’s re-read and editing are apparent. 7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary. 5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary. 1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices. Even if you're bad at the tenses and conjunctions, surely as a fanfic mod, you can do it ;p Literal Device Bonus- + 0/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3) Total- 66/75 => 85/100 |
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The Aerodactyl thing gets explained later. In any case, I'm pretty sure I know what your prediction is. Now I'm scared of what's gonna happen when you read chapters 15-17...ack, and 19 >< *hides under rock.* *Gets driven out from under the rock by an angry mob of readers demanding chapter 16.* Silverwing: Chibi, if you keep talking to him, LC will spontaneously explode >> Too late. *Grabs pieces of LC and a humongous bottle of glue.* Clear!!! Must save the dying ficcy!!!!!!! Silverwing: Ironic. A year ago she said, and I quote: "I need to get Frostweaver to tear LC to shreds so I can take my magic-fix-it-glue-and make it even better." Quote:
~Chibi~ |
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