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Old September 23rd, 2007 (10:09 AM).
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Alter Ego Alter Ego is offline
that evil mod from hell
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
    Age: 29
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    Nyu, I've been meaning to do this one for quite a while but couldn't find the time. Somme commas will be mentioned, but I will try not to tread on your sensibilities too much. ;3 Also, hope you meant what you said about encouraging constructive criticism because my reviews tend to end up containing a lot of criticism. x3 Oh, and just as a note: most of the comments are from my own subjective point of view and you are by no means obligated to agree with me on all of them. Style is a subjective thing, after all, and you're the author here. :3

    Prologue: Okay, it's brief and suitably vague; both good qualities in a prologue. The chase scene opening is a classic and you've made it work for you. The only issue I have here is that part of your grammatical decisions are kind of interfering with the mood:

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    Everything was a dark green and brown blur in my eyes. I ran through the eerie, misty forest, bounding over roots and branches. There were few beams of light trying to enter the forest; they were clearly seen in the haze.
    Okay, this is a chase/escape scene so it should have that hectic feel to it. In this context, I found the 'they were' here a bit odd. I mean sure, it's grammatically correct but in this case you could have just gone with "There were few beams of light trying to enter the forest, clearly visible in the haze"; it's basically saying the same thing but without the semi-colon speed bump. If you feel like going extreme wing with it you could also replace the first full stop with an 'as'.

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    I knew I was being chased, I could sense it. Beside me was a moving shape…maybe a figure. It blended in with the forest but had blur of red with it, as it ran by my side, as if a piece of the forest was running with me.
    No comma needed after "blur of red with it"; I'm picking on the commas in this chapter because commas can slow down a passage a lot.

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    I heard whispers and high, raspy shrieks of a creature surrounding me. They gradually grew louder and I struggled, helpless.
    Small note: how can one creature surround anyone? o.O

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    I looked down at my left arm and saw a gigantic gash appear down my left bicep. It didn’t bleed but I could see the insides of my arm, revealing veins, muscle, and tissue. I, horrified, continued to try to stand up and run.
    You could just replace the comma after "arm" and the "revealing" with a colon since you're essentially listing the insides of the arm you mentioned. Also, the double commas around "horrified" seem a bit like overpunctuating to me; you could just go with "Horrified, I continued...".

    Like I said, it's a good prologue overall and certainly established my interest in finding out what the heck is going on. The first person perspective was also a good call since adds nicely to the chase feel and obscures the runner's identity even better than a third person narrative would. :3

    Chapter 1:

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    He held the back of his head. His hand going through his dark brown hair, which is light and somewhat dense; reminiscent of Paul McCartney’s hair in his early years, with the hair overgrowing in the back.
    First off, that should be "was" rather than "is" since this is a past tense narrative. Also, what about the hair is "light", precisely? It obviously can't be the color since you already stated that it was dark; so do you mean like...weight or something? o.O Either way, it's "Resemblant to" but "Reminiscent of", careful with those. :3 Also, I'm not too wild about real life references in description (Seeing as how it would be a bit of a stretch to expect some people to know what Paul McCartney's hair looks like); some kind of description of the hairstyle would have been preferable.

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    His eyes darted to the window, which had a leafy tree branch brushing up against the glass. His eyes then looked to the beige wall of his room.
    Style warning: you usually don't want two adjacent sentences to start with the same phrase since it does get that repetitive tone. You've already proven that you've got the vocabulary to avoid such things.
    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    He idly fondled a long, lance-shaped leaf of the dragon tongue plant, beside him, as he stared at his wall.
    There's really no call for either comma here. Yes, yes, I know...I should cut down on the comma remarks but I just couldn't help myself on this one. xP
    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    Jeff continued scrolling his eyes along the wall. He stopped at a calendar. He focused in on his birthday, which was a few weeks away. Jeff would become 17, shortly. A square on the calendar caught Jeff’s eye. It was today’s date circled in red marker.

    Jeff blinked in revelation. “Today’s the day I get my first pokemon!” Jeff thought to himself.
    Okay...there's just too much Jeff in this passage. Again, to avoid a repetitive tone try to cut down to only one mention of his name per sentence, using more alternative expressions. Again, you have the vocabulary so use it. ;3

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    Jeff has many friends who are aspiring pokemon masters/coordinators. Most of them have already set out on their journey during high school with their very own pokemon. They have been successful at doing what they do best…fight and show off.
    Again, you have a random splash of present tense in a past tense narrative, which isn't too cool.
    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    Jeff comes off as modest, but really he is an incredibly proud and stubborn individual and would not do anything that would compromise his pride. If Jeff was at a huge disadvantage in a game and was offered some help or a bonus, he would turn it down without thinking twice.

    Although Jeff has a posse of close friends, he has always made himself a bit of an odd man out and a lone wolf in the group. When his group of friends are laughing and playing he would always be a little bit off to the side, calmly relaxing and pondering about whatever is in his mind. They didn't seem to mind his lonerish ways, though.
    If this were in a character profile it would be awesome, but in a fanfic this sort of sticks out and not really in a good way. Your narrative was nice and flowing thus far, so this chunk of description just came as a bit of a letdown to me. :\

    Other than that...well, there's not much happening in this chapter but the dream thing and the mention of hospital (not to mention the twig) was enough to keep the plot hook in. Also, props for word choices and explaining the age thing. ;3

    Chapter 2: Okay, I've got to admit: I didn't expect a flashback at this point, but it was a pleasant surprise and explains his habit. (Aaand acts as a dead giveaway of his starter, as if the twig wasn't enough of a hint. xD) Anyway, good to see a little life-threatening scenario to counter-balance the rather passive nature of the last chapter. It's hardly a new thing in the pokémon franchise but it was well played so I'm not complaining. ^-^ Just a small point, though:

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    Jeff began to think, “Perhaps we were not so different after all…”
    I really don't think that the "Jeff began to think" bit is necessary here; touchy little phrases like that should be given their space. ;3

    Chapter 3:

    Originally Posted by Grovyle42(Griff4815) View Post
    The moonlight shone upon the Treecko, illuminating a healed scar down his green collarbone, which Jeff did not notice before.
    That should be 'shone' in this instance. Shined is only used when the verb is there are as a synonym for polish, e.g. "He stopped and shined his nifty gym badges".

    Anyways, nice to see a little conflict introduced to the growing friendship between Jeff and Treecko (and a very realistic reaction from Tyrogue's point of view, seeing as how he - the alpha male, as Chikorita very aptly put it - was essentially being upstaged by a stranger.). Got to feel bad for Treecko at the end there, but it adds interest to the future development of their relationship. Also, does Jeff understand Tyrogue or not? Because with that last sentence it almost seemed like he comprehended the words themselves. o.O Regardless, you did a good job on this one; very revealing about their shared past without going completely overboard with it.

    Chapter 4: Aww...Jeff's being all protective about Treecko this time around. Heh, those two really need to stop taking nasty hits for each other before someone loses an eye. And speaking of eyes...gawd, I loved that pokeball capture beam bit. They should really put security labels on those. xD

    Chapter 5: Yeah, seconding Glajummy's bit on Kristie. Maybe you should consider relocating that description, seeing as how we now have more than one reader who forgot about it? I mean, in chapter 4 the description has sort of been crammed in just before the really big self-sacrifice scene with Treecko and Jeff so it sort of fades into the background. Personally, I would have liked to have seen a bit of tension from the side of the fresh catch (I mean, Corpish seems to be taking this very calmly. It's like he's been caught before and knows the drill. o.O), but that's just me. Love the way Treecko and Jeff argue even though they're friends and...aww, let's face it: I just love Treecko as a character. His interjections are hilarious. xD The battle scenes were well done; you kept stuck to the low level and limited movepool jazz without making it a boring slapfight, though I hope that Treecko will get his loss sometime too. :3

    Chapter 6: Eww...Alan's a nakey! O=


    Sorry, I just couldn't resist. the battle and lose the that's got to sting. I don't know if I've mentioned it earlier in this review, but you really play your cliches well; as a reader I don't even notice them unless I look close. At any rate, the fight scenes are still going fine, but I've got to point out that you're brushing awfully close to the anime approach in handling Corpish and Treecko battle wise (Corpish tossing Bubblebeams and Crabhammers left and right and now Treecko's Bullet Seed). Please, pretty please don't make your battles go the way of the anime? I'd really like to see some battle style of your own design and not something from Satoshi. Other than that, it's a nice and enjoyable chapter. :3

    Now to round this off with a few things about the fic in general: I have to agree that the characters are what keep this fic alive. Really, you deserve an extra pat for the most palpable effort you've put into their personalities. You should work on describing the setting a bit more, though. My main concern, however, is plot development: thus far the big incentive to come back has been to find out about the characters' histories, but obviously there's only so much of that you can do before things get repetitive. Is there anything in the way of bigger conflicts or villains on the horizon? A good, solid quest of some sort would be nice. :3

    Anyways, I'm enjoying this fic thus far, so keep at it. Also, sorry for the somewhat superficial treatment that some chapters got, but if I sat down to really write my full, uncensored comments on each and every chapter you'd never see the end of it. Hope some of this was a bit clearer than mud. xD
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