View Single Post
Old October 8th, 2007 (12:12 PM).
diamondpearl876's Avatar
diamondpearl876 diamondpearl876 is offline
you can breathe now. x
    Join Date: Jun 2007
    Location: Illinois, USA.
    Age: 24
    Nature: Careful
    Posts: 1,568
    Okay, here is the review that you have been asking for for days! I said ten pages but I don't think that's going to work out, buddy. XD And I want a large chocolate chip cookie and a good review response for this, damnit!

    Anyway, to begin, because I'm cool like that, I do have to say you've improved greatly since your first few chapters. When you asked me to beta the first chapter (I don't know if you ever got around to changing it, but whatever), I thought that I was reading a story written by an entirely different author because there was that big of a difference. The characters have always been magnificent, but your description has improved greatly, and so has your grammar, and you've managed to collect quite a few awesome fans on here and over at Serebii, aka the place that never loads. XP

    And, to get this out of the way, I still noticed some errors. I’m not sure if I missed them in the beta or if you added them in at the last minute. You can slap me later . . .

    I know Jeff was stubborn but he should know that I’d be always willing to help him.
    "Know" should be "knew".

    Corphish blinked twice “<…for the reason I JUST told you.>”
    Period after "twice", "for" should be capitalized.

    He knows how much I hate that damned prison, to even BLUFF using that is too far!
    "Knows" should be "knew".

    If this didn’t work… then I don’t know what’s next.
    "Don't" should be "didn't", and "what's" should be "what would happen" or something.

    I know Jeff was stubborn but he should know that I’d be always willing to help him.
    “I knew Jeff was stubborn” and “he should’ve known”.

    Corphish heard the unmistakable scuttle of Corphish coming towards me, I had my eyes closed.
    I think the first “Corphish” should be “I”. >> Comma would also be better off as a semi-colon.

    I must say this was a very well-written chapter. It was powerful and shows that not every trainer and their pokemon get along (which is rare to see), and when I was reading it the very first time, before you added anything we discussed, I seriously could not get my eyes away from the computer screen. The emotions from Treecko and everyone else were captured well, and some unexpected twists were added. Many things that happened were pretty realistic, which was good as well. I guess now would be a good time to point out some of my favorite lines/moments:

    What was wrong with Jeff? How can a girl change someone so much? I want him to be like he was when we first met… when he actually seemed to enjoy my company. When will he be normal?
    This line struck me on a more personal note, because I can’t tell you how many people I know have changed because some girl/guy had transformed them into something nobody really liked. It goes along with the “realistic” things I mentioned earlier.

    I knew this journey was too good to be true.
    This was a more powerful line that made me feel bad for Treecko; something great happened in his life and it was taken away before he fully got to enjoy it. Struck me on a personal note too..

    Obviously picking up on the fact that I was reiterating my earlier words, he yelled in frustration, “I MEAN I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU! ALL I HEAR IS TREE CKO CKO TREE TREECKO!” He collapsed to his knees and held his forehead in what must have been head splitting frustration.
    The best twist in the entire chapter. XP This is going to make it so much more difficult for the four of them on their journey, and I can’t wait to see how you’ll have them deal with it, as well as whether or not Jeff’s ability to understand pokespeech is going to come back.

    “” Treecko tried to explain his point of view in a volley of clumsy stammers.
    A nice example of just being so damn confused and being at a loss of words when everything is going wrong.

    Yupyup. XP I liked the entire chapter, but those were my favorites I suppose. I also have a question: Does Daedalus know that Jeff received his first badge yet? I just remembered Jeff didn’t want him to find out they went to the gym, and I’ve seen the badge mentioned, but not whether or not Daedalus knows yet.

    Another thing you put into this chapter was the song. Have you noticed how totally ironic it is? O_o It’s called “Talk”, and Jeff lost his ability to talk with his Pokemon. I don’t think that was intentional but it worked. XD Anyway, I liked the lyrics a lot; they fit well into the chapter. I also liked how they didn’t come out of nowhere and you brought the iPod into the picture.

    As far as length goes, I don’t think I’ve seen a chapter on PC go past one page in a very long time. So, kudos on that. There’s a whopping 25 and a half pages. O_O

    Unfortunately, there’s still some things you could work on. Your least favorite part of the review. =[ No review is really a review without pointing these things out . . . I have noticed that you change from past tense to present tense a lot, but it doesn’t really distract from the story . . . Those commas and semi-colons are your worst enemy, too. Your repetition issue has improved, though, and there’s very few issues with that now. :o

    Time to wrap this up, damnit. XD I had a fun time being your beta for this, and I’m glad to see that you’re dedicated in making this fic be the best it can be. So, keep it up and I look forward to your next chapter! =)
    Reply With Quote