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Old October 8th, 2007 (4:41 PM). Edited October 8th, 2007 by Grovyle42(Griff8416).
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Grovyle42(Griff8416) Grovyle42(Griff8416) is offline
No. 1 Grovyle Fan
  • Crystal Tier
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The Great Green North
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Posts: 1,104
Originally Posted by Eternal Smasher View Post
Wow, that chapter was so long...and emotional. I love these kinds of stories.

I personaly think that kind of chapter would be better suted for the a climactic twist, but I still loved it.

I actually cried a little reading the chapter. Poor Treecko...and Jeff.

I also have a good imaginaiton, so I can "put myself into the story", like I'm really there, watching the whole thing if you know what I mean.
Thanks! I'm really happy you liked it. Yeah I tried to put as much emotion into the chapter as I could. I'm flattered that it was tear-worthy. I also have a good imagination, but I wish mine was as deep as yours... maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. :p Anyways, I really appreciate the read and review. Thanks.

Originally Posted by Beret View Post
I loved this chappy. It was really emotionally charged and it felt much more substantial than any other chapter you've written so far. Good job!
Thanks again! I'll try to live up to its standards.

Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
Okay, here is the review that you have been asking for for days! I said ten pages but I don't think that's going to work out, buddy. XD And I want a large chocolate chip cookie and a good review response for this, damnit!

Anyway, to begin, because I'm cool like that, I do have to say you've improved greatly since your first few chapters. When you asked me to beta the first chapter (I don't know if you ever got around to changing it, but whatever), I thought that I was reading a story written by an entirely different author because there was that big of a difference. The characters have always been magnificent, but your description has improved greatly, and so has your grammar, and you've managed to collect quite a few awesome fans on here and over at Serebii, aka the place that never loads. XP
I thought it was 10 words... hmm. I'll AIM you the chocolate chip cookie and the review response will follow.

I'm very happy to know that I have improved so much since my start. I'm considering rewriting my first chapters completely. Thanks for the comment of the characters and for noticing the improvements.

Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
And, to get this out of the way, I still noticed some errors. I’m not sure if I missed them in the beta or if you added them in at the last minute. You can slap me later . . .

"Know" should be "knew".

Period after "twice", "for" should be capitalized.

"Knows" should be "knew".

"Don't" should be "didn't", and "what's" should be "what would happen" or something.

“I knew Jeff was stubborn” and “he should’ve known”.

I think the first “Corphish” should be “I”. >> Comma would also be better off as a semi-colon.
Thanks for the point outs.

Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
I must say this was a very well-written chapter. It was powerful and shows that not every trainer and their pokemon get along (which is rare to see), and when I was reading it the very first time, before you added anything we discussed, I seriously could not get my eyes away from the computer screen. The emotions from Treecko and everyone else were captured well, and some unexpected twists were added. Many things that happened were pretty realistic, which was good as well. I guess now would be a good time to point out some of my favorite lines/moments:
I'm happy that I managed to pull something original off and that I managed to enthrall you as much as I did.

Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
This line struck me on a more personal note, because I can’t tell you how many people I know have changed because some girl/guy had transformed them into something nobody really liked. It goes along with the “realistic” things I mentioned earlier.

This was a more powerful line that made me feel bad for Treecko; something great happened in his life and it was taken away before he fully got to enjoy it. Struck me on a personal note too..
The two lines were also two of my favorite lines.

The best twist in the entire chapter. XP This is going to make it so much more difficult for the four of them on their journey, and I can’t wait to see how you’ll have them deal with it, as well as whether or not Jeff’s ability to understand pokespeech is going to come back.

A nice example of just being so damn confused and being at a loss of words when everything is going wrong.

Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
Yupyup. XP I liked the entire chapter, but those were my favorites I suppose. I also have a question: Does Daedalus know that Jeff received his first badge yet? I just remembered Jeff didn’t want him to find out they went to the gym, and I’ve seen the badge mentioned, but not whether or not Daedalus knows yet.
No, Daedalus still doesn't know. Unless he saw the badge sticking out of Jeff's foot.

Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
Another thing you put into this chapter was the song. Have you noticed how totally ironic it is? O_o It’s called “Talk”, and Jeff lost his ability to talk with his Pokemon. I don’t think that was intentional but it worked. XD Anyway, I liked the lyrics a lot; they fit well into the chapter. I also liked how they didn’t come out of nowhere and you brought the iPod into the picture.
I actually DIDN'T notice the irony until you just mentioned it (with the exception of one of the lines). It took a bit of effort to find the right song. Yeah if there's ever a song there's usually going to be a ways for it be.

Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
As far as length goes, I don’t think I’ve seen a chapter on PC go past one page in a very long time. So, kudos on that. There’s a whopping 25 and a half pages. O_O

Unfortunately, there’s still some things you could work on. Your least favorite part of the review. =[ No review is really a review without pointing these things out . . . I have noticed that you change from past tense to present tense a lot, but it doesn’t really distract from the story . . . Those commas and semi-colons are your worst enemy, too. Your repetition issue has improved, though, and there’s very few issues with that now. :o
I actually like constructive crit. Haha, the comma axe needs to be sharpened, i agree. I'll work on those things.

Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
Time to wrap this up, damnit. XD I had a fun time being your beta for this, and I’m glad to see that you’re dedicated in making this fic be the best it can be. So, keep it up and I look forward to your next chapter! =)
Thanks for the extra long review and I hope that ypu'll keep betaing.
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