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Old October 18th, 2007 (9:36 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
Remember NovEnder
    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: Connecticut, USA
    Age: 30
    Gender: Male
    Posts: 10,021
    *dives behind couch* Are you planning on rewriting the other earlier chapters? It might be a good idea to do so, especially if you want to keep the quality the same and get rid of all those grammar errors.

    Speaking of which...

    Chapter Four

    "Chic! Tor Tor Chic! Chic!" It peeped angrily.
    Same dialogue problem. "It" should be lowercased.

    "I can only assume that’s something mean" Jeff said with a half-smile.
    Missing the comma after "mean".

    As Jeff dusted himself off and saw a person jogging towards him.
    Sentence fragment. Just get rid of the "as" and you’ll be all set.

    Jeff the feeling remained while they neared closer and closer.
    xD "Jeff the feeling"…

    "I can relate" Jeff thought to himself.
    Missing the comma after "relate".

    Jeff looked up and saw that Treecko began to take quite a beating from the large, jagged, beak of the Fearow.
    No comma needed after "jagged".

    Treecko was backed away from the trunk and Fearow was blocking it’s way to the main trunk, while laying a barrage of pecks on Treecko.
    Wrong "its". Without the apostrophe, that would be the possessive.

    "Cko, cko, cko, cko" Treecko would wince in pain with each beak strike.
    Missing the exclamation point after that last "cko".

    Just then, Fearow started to Drill peck the branch in front of it.
    "Peck" should be capitalized.

    "Call it even, this time?" Jeff asked, "Cko!" Treecko replied, agreeing with a large smirk.
    Full stop after "asked", and Treecko’s dialogue should be in its own paragraph.

    I don’t get any more sets of starters for another month, you should probably wait that long." Professor Birch remarked.
    Comma after "long".

    Jeff’s jaw dropped, "that was the day I met Treecko! That flash of light was Treecko being caught in a pokeball?!"
    Full stop after "dropped" and capitalize "that".

    Jeff quickly turned to Treecko, "All that time I waited for you and you just let yourself be captured?"
    Full stop after "Treecko".

    The professor beamed, "I remember I do still have an extra Torchic and a Mudkip in my desk!"
    Full stop after "beamed".

    "Gotcha," Jeff replied and then frowned, "…why do you dislike Treecko so much?"
    Full stop after "frowned".

    "You had extras of Mudkip and Torchic" Jeff pointed out.
    Missed the comma after "Torchic".

    Jeff smiled back "Therefore, I won’t force you to be kept in a pokeball!" He offered, sticking out his arm.
    Missed the full stop after "back" and the "he" should be lowercased.

    "You two really are…made for each other" Professor Birch smiled.
    Missed the full stop after "other".

    They blushed a little and Jeff added "Let’s just say that we’re like old friends."
    Missed the comma after "added".

    "Well let’s go Treecko," Jeff began to turn around.
    Full stop after "Treecko".

    "Treecko, Tree" Treecko replied, relieved that he has a good trainer and friend.
    Missed the comma after "tree".

    The biggest problem that I saw with this chapter was Birch’s characterization. He’s shown to be a caring man that cares for Pokémon. He doesn’t seem like the one that would point out a Pokémon’s flaws and force it into a Pokeball. I dunno. It just seemed odd to see him written like that.

    It’s fine that you’re taking your time getting the journey started in favor of your characters. They feel like real people/Pokémon that I can meet on the street.


    Chapter Five

    Jeff grunted
    Missed the full stop.

    Treecko shrugged, "Treecko cko tree, treecko treecko cko," he grinned, trying to say, ""
    Full stop after "shrugged" and the last "cko", then capitalize "he" before "grinned".

    "Hey mom, I’m back!"
    Capitalize "mom".

    o_o; I decided to just stop pointing out the dialogue errors. I’m sure that after four and a half-chapters of pointing out dialogue errors, it got annoying. Just if you want to catch them, go back and read through your chapters again.

    She was a dyed blonde, brown haired woman walked entered and looked at them.
    You might want to reword this sentence. "Dyed blonde" makes me think that her skin is blond, and you have one too many verbs in the second half of the sentence.

    Your description skills could be improved. When you described Corphish, it came out like a list. Instead, you should try to incorporate the description into the narration, like you did with "the moonlight reflected off its wet orange shell". And you really didn’t describe any of the surroundings that well. Describing the setting can set a mood for the story. Just take your time on that.

    So far, you just seem to be following the plot for the games. I’m just waiting to see if you deviate from that at any point. Again, I’ll wait to see when I catch up to where you are currently in chapters.
    Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
    I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
    A bug in Ender's Game

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