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Old October 22nd, 2007 (7:09 AM).
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Bay Alexison Bay Alexison is offline
O, Dance of Devotion!
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 5,006
Hey, Hanako!

Thanks for correcting some of the grammar mistakes for me. And it's all right if you are a grammar nerd. I need to learn what are my grammar faults and to fix them. XD I will fix them probably after I get out of my Stats class (which is coming up real soon, actually XD) or whenever I get free time. I have an Oceanorgraphy midterm tomorrow and I need to study for it. >.>

This is really kind of…skimpy for a description. You missed the two tails of Drifblim, the puff of cotton on its head, even the shape of its mouth! I’m not saying that you should describe every last detail of a Pokémon as soon as it is introduced. That depends on how important it is to the story, but you should try to paint a clear enough picture of the Pokémon for the reader. Like my description of a Grovyle:
DarkPersian said the same thing. XD Yeah, the thing with Pokemon descriptions is that I don't really want to just describe the Pokemon's body and such, I want to also describe the Pokemon with them doing something. Whenever I describe all or most of their features it is like just them standing there! XD Well, I will try my best to describe the Pokemon better.

General "Oh mah gods, Hanako! Stop being a grammar nerd!" time: Truthfully, your dialogue sounds a little stilted to me. It would sound more "real" for your characters to speak like you hear people speak. Just keep your ears open, and you’ll see what I mean. And read over your dialogue, seeing how it sounds to your ears. It just depends on how modern you want your characters to sound, I guess. Like if you want to show that Bunny needs to get out of the library more, keep her away from contractions, but have Violet use "don’t", "can’t", or "isn’t" in her speech.
Ugh...been reading a lot of "literature" books. XD Yeah, I tend to get too formal in my dialogue. I will try my best to change that. Even though I already send in Chapter Two to my beta reader, I will do some last minute changes before I post it. XD
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