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Old November 18th, 2007 (5:46 PM).
Elite Overlord LeSabre™'s Avatar
Elite Overlord LeSabre™ Elite Overlord LeSabre™ is offline
On that 'Non stop road'
  • Gold Tier
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Shimoda City
Age: 92
Nature: Quirky
Posts: 9,571
w00t! My first review here! Okay, so it's just copy/pasted from the one I put up on the big green lagger, but, meh...

but later slowly got up while panting.
I'd get rid of either "slowly" or "later" depending on how long it took Balin to recover from the hit.

I can't believe Balin can handle blows very well sometimes.
The "very well" there irks me for some reason. Personally, I'd replace it with "that well" or "that easily."

Inside the blue colored walls of the police station
Okay, a couple of officers will have a look at that.
Jenny wanted answers, she was very greedy for them
In truth, he knew about Suicune, but had never seen that Pokémon
Most of what I quoted above were examples of choppy sentences that didn't flow all that well. There were a few others, but these stood out the most.

Description was decent, but the battle could have used some more descriptions (i.e., of the reactions of the Pokemon). However, I'm not going to tell you that you have to include the thoughts of the Pokemon, as it's more of a writing style than a requirement (I don't go into the Pokemon's thoughts, and I noticed that you didn't in the last chapter, so I figured it was your style of writing.)

The mystery at the museum was intriguing, though I haven't seen any of the Da Vinci Code (and I really don't have the time to do so in the forseeable future...) Still, i thought it took an awful lot of shouting by Ernest and Jacob to awake the guard. maybe the guy sleeps with earplugs or something.

And I thought the inter-office romance between Timmy and Jenny (Ella) was cute. And w00t for her trying to differentiate herself from her sisters.

I'm sure that whatever secret Ernest had (and that Jacob desperately wanted to find out) will play a big role in the mystery. What that secret is, though... I'm drawing a blank. Your betas have fixed up the tense mistakes but some of the choppy sentences remain.

Nonetheless, you've crafted a very engaging mystery here, and that is what's keeping me glued to this fic. Well, that and the fact that Bunny is one of my fave characters for reasons I've already said in reviews in the other forum

Elite Overlord LeSabre™
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