The Beta Place
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November 19th, 2008 (1:46 PM).
I'm applying for the position of a beta client!
Title of Story:
Well, Pokémon, and that's it
A boy called Jack leaves to his trainer journey - and his mom tags along. His childhood friend, Mari, travels with the two and then there's also Lilian, the mysterious girl a couple of years older than Jack and Mari. Jack and Mari travel further and start to learn more things about Jack's dad and Mari's mom who both died in an explosion eight years ago - an explosion Jack's mom never talks about. As Lilian is revealed to be something completely different than she looked like, the mystery starts to unveil...
Comedy, adventure, and mystery, with a tad of conspiracy in it
Rating (PG, R, etc):
Eh, well, I don't know. PG-13, maybe?
Type of mentor needed:
Someone for grammar, really, athough I'd prefer Xanthine because she's so darn thorough and frank with her criticism. I want to get better with my writing. If there's someone who wants to help me become a novelist one day, then feel free to say so!
Writing sample of story:
"Jack Killigan, I believe you're the only one left," LeBlanc said smiling and had me open my eyes, "What would be your choice..?"
I had had a hard time deciding between piplup and chimchar, but now that Mom had a grass type, I had to have a chimchar. For that purpose, I had come up with this awesome strategy about a week ago. You know, when you're the last one to choose your starter, you never get the one you request for first. So, I decided to ask piplup first and when told there weren't any, I'd "settle" with my chimchar. The first thing I'd do with my chimchar, who I'd name either Marianne or Raymond, after my father, would be beating up my Mother in a fair fight. Maybe that'd make me feel better, too.
"I want a piplup," I said. I think I was blushing out of sheer enthusiasm. My dream was finally coming true. Now it didn't matter if Mom was with me or not, because I was going to be a real pokémon trainer with real pokémon. Nobody could stop me from being happy now!
"Here you go!"
"Ahhh, too bad, I guess I'll have to take chim... Wait, what?"
"Here's your piplup. He's the last one of his kind, too, so you were lucky, young mister Killigan!" LeBlanc smiled with his whole face, beaming of happiness for my heavenly luck's sake. Grownups really are more stupid than you'd think, aren't they?
"But, ah, I would want... I want a chimchar, really..." I mumbled, holding the pokéball of that held the last piplup inside it. I held it like an idiot, I really should have given it back and said I didn't want it.
"Go on, let the piplup out," LeBlanc encouraged me and pointed at the button on the pokéball. I was about to object, but a swift look at the round table silenced me. The section for chimchar balls was empty. I had not fooled the law of the last choicemaker after all. I had only fooled myself. Well, a piplup wasn't so bad, was it?
As expected, he wasn't a shiny. The only thing special about him was a dark stripe on his peck. He seemed like a nice fellow, looking at me curiously and all. I knew I'd get along with him, so I started to feel at ease again.
I've written stories since I was five years old, but I only started writing in English somewhere around last July. So, it's really the grammar that is my problem more than enything else. However, as I
plan on becoming a novelist, I need all the criticism and feedback I can get. So, any volunteers?
World Saviour Sora-chan (parody)
Once in a Forest Fire
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Joined Jul 2008
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