Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old January 26th, 2009 (4:35 PM).
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delongbi delongbi is offline
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    I like it so far! Sounds like an interesting plot!

    I wonder what Leah has been doing these past years though...

    I have a tad of grammery-type stuff:

    Quote:
    Though, in the corner of her eye, she could easily make out several huddling, though cheerful, figures ahead of her, not having hardly a care in the world.

    Ahh! Too many commas. I would break that up...too many adjectices in a row. "Though" is unneeded. You could write:

    In the corner of her eye she could easily make out several huddling, though cheerful, figures ahead of her, none of whom appeared to have a care in the world.

    That's still a bit wordy, but it makes sense.

    Anyway, it seems like a very original story. You opened up a lot of questions in this chapter about Leah's past so it's a good start.

    Not much else to say; I like it.

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