Thread: [Pokémon] Mentor (PG-14)
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Old February 7th, 2009 (10:19 AM).
Incinermyn's Avatar
Incinermyn Incinermyn is offline
The Abomination Lives!!!
    Join Date: Aug 2007
    Location: Wisconsin, USA
    Age: 31
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Timid
    Posts: 647
    Okay, I know this is a bit delayed, but my Internet’s been screwy and I haven’t been able to get online the better part of this week.

    Before I get to into this review, Dagzar, I must say that I’m finding this more and more of an invigorating read as it goes on. But, there are a few issues I’ve spotted that you could probably work on.

    First off, you should gender the Pokemon. I feel a little sorry for Sands because you call him (or her) an “it.” Why is that? I mean, all writers should know that you have to make known whether or not a Pokémon is male or female, unless it really is genderless like Magneton. Even if the gender isn’t clear right off the bat, most people assume an organism is male. Don’t mimic the games’ inability to accurately discern between the sexes; it’s just bad showmanship all around.

    Secondly, this is a minor issue, but I think you’d do well to cut back just a little bit on the soap/anime-type drama and immature sounding stuff. Like that prelude to Leah and Ed’s first battle against each other… It just spoke badly to me because it was just too childish to be believable in a PG-14 fic.

    Also, little comments like “Damn it all the hell! Sands was poisoned! Fu-” detract from the flow of the story. Be more outright with stuff if you can. I could have figured that this was what Leah was thinking had you just said that Sands got poisoned by Effect Spore and described her reaction, instead of out and ranting it.

    Hmm… And that’s about all I wanted to make known…for now, at least. I really love how you handle the literary writing style. For some reason it reminds me vaguely of my all-time favorite game, Final Fantasy IV… Maybe it’s the way you write or how you let stuff unfold.
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