View Single Post
Old June 9th, 2009 (10:30 PM).
9Gengar's Avatar
9Gengar 9Gengar is offline
    Join Date: Jun 2009
    Gender: Female
    Posts: 17
    That was one of the most touching pokemon fanfics I've ever read! Though I can't believe Charizard actually died...

    Now on to more specific comments:

    Really like the emotional descriptions:

    General Descriptions I enjoyed:

    "evanescent white"

    "bolting up into the blue noonday sky"

    "Nothing is held back. The flame washes over skin and plant like a giant tide, "

    (Great battle scenes btw)

    "his eyes glimmering like ice while his tone is just as cold.

    “Hold him down. Use Solar Beam. Don’t hold back.”

    "Vines loosen. " It's good to have short sentences like these to make a dramatic impact.

    "Your heart shoots up in your chest, and you think for a moment it just might leap out as the euphoria swells deep within you. " You can really imagine her/his joy here.

    Great suspense:
    "You notice his tail flame is low – dangerously low...."

    then "It is then you first know something is wrong."

    "Nurse Joy stops you, placing a cold, pale hand on your shoulder. It’s meant to be comforting, but it isn’t. "

    " she says in a fake, cheery voice that sounds robotic:"

    "Of all the emotions rising within you, anger and frustration erupt to the top." Lovely and moving.

    "The front doors whiz open, and the silence is shattered."

    "Flashes. Bright, inconsiderate flashes of light illuminate your face.........You are barraged with questions from a thousand different voices, all clamoring to get the first word out of you, but you aren’t going to give it to them. " (Nice how you describe the senses of the trainer to make the moment more vivid)

    The aura is a lot calmer near the end, but loses none of its depth of emotion:

    "You walk slowly, inhaling in the clean air, tinged with the fresh smell of the berry trees that your parents grow here."

    " once a living, breathing creature who, once upon a time, flew unchallenged across the heavenly sky." (No direct emotion 'telling', but the image still exudes a bittersweet poignancy.)

    Well done!
    Reply With Quote