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May 16th, 2010 (3:04 PM).
the hearts of lonely people
Originally Posted by
Might as well start at the beginning, eh? The grammar used there is completely off and makes no sense. For me, at least, it was annoying to read when the rest was pretty well typed.
I get what you are trying to do; summarizing an entire journey in a single paragraph isn't easy. Still, it was severely anti-climactic.
You lost my interest here. Two goons just nabbed my Pokemon and I'm going back to sleep to deal with it in the morning? No offense, but if someone stole my Pokemon, I'd be chasing them down. Now, mind you, that may not have been what you meant. Did you mean to say, "You ran after them, but they boarded a ship and set sail; you continued to chase them down the shore line, but they were nothing more than a speck on the horizon by time the implications of what just happened really hit you."? That's a bit wordy, and I wouldn't recommend using that (I'm just shooting for clarification here), because that would make more sense.
That character seems pretty narcoleptic at this point... Joking aside, this isn't very interesting either. I suppose I can't judge on this portion without seeing the dialogue, but you honestly make it sound really boring.
Again, you overslept? Not only that, but you see the exact same two goons running off with more bags of Pokemon? Do these goons serve a purpose here? Because honestly, unless they are plot specific or serve a purpose at this point, I can't see a use for them showing up randomly when you get off the boat.
And your rival? It's extremely odd for him to just show up now on the boat as you are getting off. The lack of back story, or introduction to him, makes him seem misplaced and forced into the storyline.
Take with a grain of salt, if you will, but you'll definitely need a more interesting story line if you want your game to stick out around here.
Did you not see that the story was being worked on a LOT?
Yes, I know there are tons of weird things in there, and errors, etc.
That is an old story.
Originally Posted by
looks like it's going to be cool.
Joined Feb 2010
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