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Old February 12th, 2011 (5:59 PM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
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Up to chapter eight now, and continuing to enjoy this story. =) Sapphire is making for a pretty interesting character herself here, and her 'partnership' with Kester is proving to be quite fun to read thus far as well! I was amused by her 'weakness' with the seasickness (I guessed as much that was her problem when it was first hinted towards). Puck is continuing to amuse as well, and I like how he is giving more and more advice and information on Pokemon to Kester as well. I also enjoy how both Magma and Aqua's grunts believe the other have the 'boy' and that Sapphire works for the other group as well - it seems to have a lot of potential, that (but what may happen is likely already partly written, so I guess I'll just wait and see when I read more. =p) On that note I like the new grunt characters that were also introduced, as well as Birch who certainly felt realistic and accurate in portrayal to me, given his fear of wild Poochyena/Zigzagoon in the games. XD

I do wonder about how if Puck can read Kester's thoughts (given he was remarking on Kester's insta-attraction to the Aqua girl) and Kester can't communicate to him without having to talk directly then - it seems a bit odd to me (maybe I missed something or it is explained later however?). The sixth chapter felt much longer than the other ones as well - I'm not one to talk about inconsistent chapter lengths myself but I did feel it was a touch imbalanced nonetheless, if not entertaining. The battle within it was quite good - you carried it well and also made it realistic having Kester overcome that challenge the way you did, with some help from Puck of course. =)
His subordinates hurried out as the glass smashed against the wall where they’d been moments before.
I feel it tends to be better to keep abbreviations to within dialogue in cases like "they had/they'd", personally - maybe something to consider?
“He’s right, you are.” Sapphire looked at my forehead. “Thank you, Puck.”

I like her.
Heh. XD I have to say I really like how you manage all the character interactions as well - quite enjoyable and what they say feels pretty... 'real' and believeable as well to me.
They were all occupied, and in the end they had to sit between a pair of old ladies who bounced astoundingly inane chatter back and forth between them at the same time as simultaneously knitting opposite ends of the same massive, multicoloured scarf.
“Do they look like they’re any use?” asked Sapphire disgustedly. “Talk to one.”

I did.

“Hi,” I said.

“Prof. Birch is studying the habitats and distribution of Pokémon,” he told me. “The Prof. enjoys May’s help, too. There’s a lot of love there.”

“O-K,” I said, backing away from his vapid grin slowly. “I see what you mean.”
This part was probably what amused me the most in those four chapters I read - nice usage of that NPC from the games. XD Certainly the comedy is another favourite part of mine as well.

I didn’t know what that was, but I wasn’t going to say.
ask over say, perhaps?

“What just happened?” asked Birch, who sounded even more confused. “Did it just—?”
“Quiet, Dad.”
Minor presentation thing, but you need an extra gap there between those two lines.

Blake stood up, gun aimed through the taxi’s windscreen, between the driver’s eyes; at this, the cabbie decided that discretion was the better part of valour, and, leaping, from his vehicle, ran off down the street.
I can see why you use all those commas there but it made the sentence feel too awkward with all the pauses there personally, and some minor rewording of the sentence or splitting it into two sentences might be better imo.

“Er – Sapphy – I agree with Kester,” Birch put in. Sapphire looked at us both in disgust.
“You spend most of your time outside poking dangerous wild animals with sticks,” she told her father. “How can you be afraid of a challenge? Besides, you don’t have to come. This is the sort of thing Trainers do, isn’t it?”
Again, another line gap is needed there between those two pieces of dialogue.
“... one... zero!” cried Sapphire’s mother, flinging her eyes open. When she saw I was still in the room, she got up and left without comment.
Birch's wife also amused me a lot. XD

This surprised everyone, since all he had done since he moved into the lonely cliff-top house was sit on a rocking-chair on the veranda, stroking an ancient, devious-looking Wingull called Peeko and plotting to overthrow the Emperor of the Moon; nevertheless, it had proved incentive enough for the cottage to be preserved as the official Admiral Briney museum.
XD I also enjoyed that piece of information thrown in as well. =D

Looking forward to reading more sometime!