Thread: [Pokémon] Pokémon - Legends of Kanto
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Old July 6th, 2011 (7:58 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
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Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash <3 I decided to review your story, but I only have the brain energy for the prologue.

At least you're devoting more time to the characters' home life than just rushing them out the door with Pokemon in hand. I'll keep the more plot/character-related comments for now, since that's the start of the fic. I'll see where everything goes.

There are quite a few typos all over your prologue, though. For example, you seem to always miss putting the apostrophe in possessive words. If you read through your prologue, you'll see all the possessive words that you typoed, since they're just plurals now.

Another big grammar thing that I noticed concerns dialogue. I'll show what I mean with an example.

“Son,” the brunette woman looked down to her boy, “have you given any thought to what Pokemon you’re going to start out with?”
Here, the comma after "son" should be a full stop. The dialogue is followed with a different sentence that doesn't explain how the speech was spoken, so the two are not connected. Same with the comma after "boy." That should be a full stop.

But, if you instead had:

“Son,” the brunette woman said to her boy, “have you given any thought to what Pokemon you’re going to start out with?”
Then the commas would remain because "said" is a dialogue tag, so it gets attached to the dialogue with commas.

Same thing here:

“What is it, mom?” He asked with a head-tilt.
"He" would start with a lower-case letter because "asked" is a dialogue tag, even though you keep the question mark. If you had "'What is it, Mom?' His head tilted to the side" then that would be how it looked.

By the way, you capitalize "Mom" or "Grandpa" or "Professor" if you're using the title in place of the character's name. The other times it's written in lower-case.

I think that was all that I noticed for sure. If you just keep these little grammar things in mind while writing or proof-reading, you'll be fine.

Hope this helps!


Originally Posted by Etoire View Post
Charmander is technically owned by Red, so "its trainer" should be possessive, I.E. It's.
Actually, Lash was correct there. "Its" is the possessive form of the word. "It's" is the contraction for "it is." Just pointing that out to help you and him.

Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
A bug in Ender's Game

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