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Old July 28th, 2011 (9:23 AM). Edited July 28th, 2011 by Cutlerine.
Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
Gone. May or may not return.
    Join Date: Mar 2010
    Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
    Age: 23
    Nature: Impish
    Posts: 1,030
    Break his heart, Estella. Break his heart...

    I thought I'd drop by and read your story, since naming anything after the erstwhile owner of Satis House is enough to pique my interest, and also because you were kind enough to read one of my own stories once. I have to admit that it's definitely confusing. That's good, though; I like the way the various chunks of narrative are kept short and jumbled up, creating a sense of the fractured thought processes that power your crazy protagonist.

    One thing that did give me cause for concern was the ultra-high concentration of adjectives and adverbs in some of the sentences, as here:

    Originally Posted by Mizan de la Plume Kuro
    Her strained eye with its red, pulsating veins shining unhealthily scanned her limited field of vision erratically
    It might just be me, but I think that that's probably too much for just one clause. Every single noun and most of the verbs have at least one qualifier attached, which can be a bit overwhelming. That's not to say the description isn't good, just that a couple of the sentences aren't that nice to look at.

    However, I suppose that they could be intended to reflect the protagonist's state of mind, made deliberately clunky to hint at discord within her head. I don't know. In fact, I've confused myself and have completely forgotten what else I was going to say.

    Anyway, the main point was that I liked the story for the most part.

    As Colombo would say, one more thing. I just noticed this:

    Originally Posted by Mizan de la Plume Kuro
    “I love you too, dear,” he whispered back playfully. He didn’t meet her eye, nor did he give any indication that he had heard her, but, nonetheless, his words spoke volumes
    I see exactly why that's worded as it is, but when you read it, it just seems paradoxical. Speaking to her is, in fact, an indication that he's heard her (even though he hasn't really because it isn't real). It's perfectly correct, but could probably be worded more comprehensibly. As a side note, Geoffrey also does this simultaneous noticing-and-not-noticing thing in the last section, where he doesn't register Miss Gilligan's arrival and yet shakes his head solemnly.

    Anyway, that's enough from me. Despite my criticisms, it's a good story and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I also accept your congratulations regally, with a barely perceptible nod of the head. Like a very, very wise sort of king. Or a rather annoying sort of king; I can't decide. And after rambling for a while, I offer my commiserations that you did not place higher, despite writing an excellent story. The competition must indeed have been fierce.

    For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
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