[SWC] Havisham [PG-13]
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August 16th, 2011 (7:19 PM).
Originally Posted by
My word, you deserve some congratulations on writing one of the most ambitious and distinct entries of the year. Aside from the fact that you're not using Pokemon as a crutch, the way you had the parallel threads match so well was very impressive. The kiss(es) scene(s) in particular was a masterful touch; a seamless display of multiple perspectives and moods. I don't often see complicated narrative structures that are this well crafted in FF&W.
Thank you, sir. I mentioned that this was experimental in one of our conversations, and this was the result apparently. I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing the plot and receiving critique.
I hate to say this, but on my first read-through I got totally lost. You see, I had been under the impression that the second perspective was that of the woman who was meeting Geoffrey while The Crazy Woman was watching. It didn't occur to me that these two were the same person at different points in time until well into the restaurant scene, so I spent most of the time trying to reconcile contradictory details before just moving on in confusion. This may just be me, but I didn't get too much out of the story before I caught on and started over.
Ah yes, that was the one snag in my fics plan which I wasn't really sure how to fix. I kinda assumed that this would be a problem early on in the fic because Jennifer was watching a somewhat identical scene to what happened to her in the past. The contradictory details were intentional because it helped split the two threads, but I guess the power of suggestion wasn't an adequate substitute for, really, just outright stating it. On the other hand, if I were to just plop in the phrase "It was one year ago" or something like that, I felt I would have lost a bit of the subtlety in the narration. I wanted the reader to realise it on their own. Besides that, another method I had thought of was to just name Jennifer in the first place, instead of just referring to her as the crazy woman. I didn't really want to do that because I wanted to disassociate her decaying persona from the (somewhat) innocent persona of Jennifer from yesteryear. It was an artistic choice, I guess. I'm not sure how well that worked out.
*Shrug* A hotfix, I suppose, would just be to tell people to read it twice to really get it, but that's all that it is. A hotfix. On the other hand, it doesn't seem worth doing a rewrite... haha.
I do have to agree with Cutlerine, though, that the concentration of adjectives and adverbs (especially adverbs) could get a little overboard at times, but it's not too serious. Also, sentence structure could get a little awkward, particularly with dangling participles. On the whole, though, and considering the time limit involved, this read pretty smoothly, and the language was anything but too dry.
At the time of writing Havisham, I began to notice that the writing style in Breaking the Fourth was getting incredibly dry, with me having little to no adjectives/adverbs in the story. I thought I should try to experiment with modifiers so that I could get the hang of them. I admit, it did go overboard, but I'm glad it read smoothly
for your enjoyment.
It's a shame you didn't place higher, as your entry sticks out from the crowd in many good ways. Thanks for your generous congrats, and I offer you some of my own for this fine story. Here's hoping you really kick tail next year!
And I thank you kindly. I hope nothing comes up next year because I would be royally screwed if so. Haha...
Seriously, I always seem to busy this time of year for some reason or the other. Moving house this, internet maintenance that. Damn.
The Rainbow Chasers
SWC 2016 (1st Place)
The Promise I Made to You
SWC 2012 (2nd Place)
Pokecreepypasta Entry 2010
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Joined Sep 2008
Miz en Scène
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