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November 4th, 2011 (1:45 PM).
You want the moon? I'll give you the moon.
So, I'm not a very good critic, so I don't know how much what I say will matter to you, but I'm gonna criticize these anyways.
So, I guess I'll start with this: (from Broken Windows)
down as I did
Not sure if this is on purpose or not, but shouldn't it be "fall" not "falls"? Not that this is major, but I read "Broken Windows" and saw that, and it forced me to trip up as I read. Everything else, I think, is fine.
Now, on to actual criticism. I might tend to ramble and stop making sense, so if I do, feel free to ignore it.
Bless Your Soul -
I saw the title of this poem, and loved it. The problem is, (and maybe it's just me) I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Perhaps if you could tell me what this poem is about, then I could criticize it better. It just seems like a very indecisive poem; what I mean by that is you sound like you are chastising someone about being fake, but then you say "bless your soul". Maybe "bless your soul" is sarcastic?
Also, one more thing here.
Nothing you say is authentic
And your defenses are laughable.
You claim to be freethinking
Yet you recycle old thoughts.
I feel like each of these stanzas (stanzi?) is incomplete when I read it, especially the first of those two. I would highly suggest merging them, but hey. It's your poem, and you're free to do what you want.
I like this one. Personally, I like more emotional poems, and this one seems to have much more emotion in it than the others. I also think that this poem has a really nice flow. Being able to make your poems flow naturally is an amazing gift, and flow and rythym are, for me, the two hardest parts of poem writing.
I can see the meaning of this poem easier. If I am correct, this one is about death not being the end, no? I can understand how naming it would be difficult, but if I were to suggest names, I would say something like "Unending" or "Endless". But maybe you don't want to name this, and that's perfectly okay. Like I've said before, it's your poem, and you should do what you want with it.
Broken Windows -
Since I have never heard the song "Skyscraper", and since I'm too lazy to look up the lyrics, I can't tell how it might relate to your poemsong at all (yes I made up that word). So I'll critique it as if it was totally unrelated to anything ever.
I like that each line in this poem ends with punctuation. It gives it a more heartfelt feel, maybe? I'm not totally sure if that's the right word. This poem has character of an emotionally scarred person on the brink of insanity. It seems that the narrator feels trapped by the broken relationship, and that he/she will be stuck fixing it forever. The flow of this one is okay, I guess, but I don't think it's as good as your nameless poem. But I realize it's a song as well as a poem, so it's understandable that the rythym would be a little strange. Overall, this one is good, but a little off in terms of rythym.
I'm running out of time, so I won't criticize your fourth poem right now. But I hope my reviews on the other three helped some, and thanks for posting here!
Joined Aug 2011
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