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Old December 1st, 2011 (9:31 AM).
Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
Gone. May or may not return.
    Join Date: Mar 2010
    Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
    Age: 24
    Nature: Impish
    Posts: 1,030
    I'm back, and the first thing I'm going to suggest is that you leave a blank line between each paragraph, purely for the sake of my and the other readers' eyes.

    Nextly, which is not actually a word, I'm going to get onto an actual review of this latest chapter. First off, I liked the way Boreas won; battles are at their best when off-the-wall tactics are used to win them. It definitely marks an upward swing in the way you handle battles, that much is for certain.

    I still think the battle's writing itself was a little wooden, though. You've got short, dull sentences that tell you what's happening without giving any sense of the energy of the fight. I think you can solve the problems by simply making them a bit more interesting; for instance, this:

    The flames' heat was terrible, searing his fur and making him hurt all over. He continued charging with tears of pain in his eyes as Trogdor got ready for another Incinerate.
    could be this:

    The flames washed over him in a wave of blistering pain, searing his fur and forcing his eyes shut - but Boreas didn't stop; he kept charging, tears pricking at his eyes, as more fire gathered in the corners of Trogdor's mouth. Through the pain, he realised there was another Incinerate on the way...
    Basically, I'm recommending more expressive language and more detail with it. It'll make the battle scenes much more interesting.

    Right. Major complaint out of the way. Now for the little stuff:

    “So this really isthe Gym?” Black asked.
    You missed a space on the bolded bit.

    “I agree with Chili's assessment.” Cress spoke.
    That should be a comma after 'assessment'. You've made that mistake several times.

    Cinder did a feintto the left
    Another space missed.

    with several rapid ducks she dodged Octa's vines and pounced him
    Missing an 'on' or 'at', perchance?

    “Yes, thank you, I know that.” Octa sneered
    Not sure if 'sneered' is really the right word here. Perhaps 'said quellingly' might work better. Also, you did that thing with a full stop instead of a comma again.

    Between the cover and the macaroni stinging in his eyes Trogdor didn't even remotely hit Boreas
    That makes sense, but it's a bit odd; 'remotely' wouldn't usually be used in this context. 'didn't manage to land a hit' or something similar would be better. 'Remotely' is more usually used with something less tangible than hitting someone, like an idea or a geographical location. I'm explaining that really badly, so I'm going to pretend I never said it and move on.

    The ending was a bit weak, I thought. Not awful, just a little weak; it could have ended on a slightly more dramatic line than 'with Munny as my new team member, I think I can beat him!' Eh, I'm being nitpicky.

    All in all, though, the battle ideas are getting more interesting, and the story continues to be not only worth the time spent reading it but also a source of enjoyment. Oh yeah, and as a habitual maker of jokes and suchlike, I really liked this:

    “I beg your pardon? I drink it, for wine is what makes the difference between supper and dinner and between lunch and luncheon.”
    “What about breakfast?”
    “Well, I suppose it also makes the difference between breakfast and alcoholism, but that is beside the point.”
    Mm. That's a good joke, and the Cutlerine likes it. And apparently he talks about himself in the third person.

    As ever, I await the next chapter.


    For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
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