Thread: [Pokémon] Drowning [PG-13]
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Old December 3rd, 2011 (12:59 PM). Edited December 3rd, 2011 by icomeanon6.
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icomeanon6 icomeanon6 is offline
It's "I Come Anon"
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: Northern Virginia
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    Well, this is an intriguing beginning. Even though there's not much that's been revealed yet about the main character herself or the reality outside of the dream, the way the dream itself unfolded was impressively visceral, and has me curious as to what gave rise to it. The description was rich, and it did a good job of illustrating Emily's mounting anxiety as the water rose. I particularly liked the image of Emily turning, and Michael being just out of her field of vision

    Not much left for me to say, as it's a pretty short chapter 0 (prologue? whatever). There's one grammar problem that I noticed come up a few times, and that's this:

    The water level was raising quickly
    The distinction between "raise" and "rise" is a bit tricky, and you want "rise" here. If there's no direct object, i.e. if you're describing something is itself moving upwards, you use rise. Like so:

    Originally Posted by Me
    The kid (subject) raised his hand (object).
    The kid's hand (subject) rose. (no object)

    Thing A raises Thing B.
    Thing B rises.
    Also grammar-wise, I think you should put this sentence in the past-perfect tense:

    Perhaps a leak sprung in the walls.
    The leak springing is more-past relative to the narration, so it should be "Perhaps a leak had sprung in the walls."

    tl;dr: I'm interested. Rite moar!

    Response to Author's Note:

    Two month's hiatus is nothing to be ashamed of. (Says the guy who hasn't updated his chapter fics since July of 2010. -_-) And though I can understand your desire to start everything clean, I'm disappointed that we won't be hearing any more about Chris from Best Laid Plans. But, if you feel that you really need the fresh start, you probably made the right decision.

    One thing though is that I would never advise trying to adhere to a schedule for fanfic writing, especially one as rigorous as once per week. We're all pretty patient around here, and I think the consensus is that quality is worth much more than quickness. I see that you decided not to force yourself to update on the 23rd, so good call. Just get to it when you get to it, and I'm sure this will turn out to be a fine story.

    Good luck with completing this one. I believe that you can do it.
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