Thread: [Pokémon] POKéMON Ruby Destiny [T]
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Old December 8th, 2011 (12:41 AM).
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Bay Alexison Bay Alexison is offline
O, Dance of Devotion!
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Okay real quick I'm only able to read the prologue and Chapter 1, so the review posted here are for those. Chapters 2 and 3 I might get to later when I get the chance.

All right first thing I want to say is I'm not a big fan of script fics as those stories ted to fall short in terms of characterization and emotions. I do commend you for putting the effort in the narration and description and it is better than other script fics I had read. The problem though is I feel this story would be better as prose. The thing with scripts is they're hard to write due to the purpose of them pointing out what scenes and dialogue the actors (plays and movies) will act out. There are some parts where you referenced the character's thoughts and feelings, which are rarely mentioned in scripts (unless you have the character say their feelings in a voice over or speak in front of the character/audience). Like I said, scripts mention how the characters will react and their actions. For an example of an effective script fic,, I suggest The Gym by Neko Godot. The way he wrote the story in script format is he only referenced what they were doing and their reactions while having them say their true feelings in the camera due to the story being a comedy one.

A couple other things I want to say concerning scripts:

-Scripts never have quotation marks like this: Rose: "Hey, Joseph. Come and join us!" You would see the dialogue without he quotation marks like this: Rose: Hey, Joseph. Come and join us!
-Also the character labels to indicate which character is speaking is never color-coded either as someone reading a script will already know which character is speaking. While I'm at it, scripts aren't bolded either (or at least the scripts I had read doesn't have bold).

Now, I'm not saying to downplay the description or the emotions, far from it. What I'm trying to get at is having your story in script format probably isn't the best choice here. The way I see it is I'm reading a story with decent narration but the dialogue in script, which is lazy writing to me. It's your choice in the end if you want to continue this story in script or narrative format, I'm just giving you points regarding how to write an effective script story.

Okkkkkay, sorry for the long ramble there. D: I had read and practiced writing scripts before so I know a thing or two about them. Granted, it's been like seven years since I last wrote one, so I'm a bit rusty on the explanation. ;

Moving on, the first chapter I feel things are moving a bit fast there, mostly with the Eevees battling against the Beedrill. You seemed to be telling instead of showing the attacks (for instance kept mentioning Shadow Ball instead of describing how it look like nor how that attack was launched). I guess this also has to do with the dialogue being in script format instead in prose format for the interactions to be more expanded upon, but you already heard enough of my talks over that. x_x

Over grammar, it’s not my strong in writing so I don’t tend to mention those, but I do notice several instances where you got the tenses mixed up.

Beedrill strikes with both his sharp arms, but before he could land his attack, a huge POKéMON came out from the treetops and with its huge talons, struck the Beedrill from behind, and instantly knocking it unconscious.
Here I bolded where you had present tense while the rest of the paragraph the verbs were in past tense. You need to keep you tenses consistent (from what I can tell, you’re going for past tense).

So far I’m not impressed with the story yet. Joseph’s backstory over how he got to the Pokemon world isn’t new as that happens to many characters who suddenly got transported in the Pokemon world, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon fics included. I haven’t read Chapters 2 and 3 yet, so perhaps the story will get better. I wish you luck though with this story and again hopefully I'll have time to look over Chapters 2 and 3.