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Old December 9th, 2011 (5:35 PM).
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Squirrel Squirrel is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: England
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Posts: 9,512
This is an interesting poem you've written here with a unique writing style... "There was once a Snorlax,happy as can be, he is always filled with glee." - You've changed between past and present tense here. "he walked on the woods," - this doesn't seem to make sense, unless he was physically walking on the tree tops of the wood? Throughout the poem there are various places where you've used punctuation such as a full stop in the middle of a line where instead of creating a dramatic pause or making the reader think, it instead breaks apart the jolly nursery rhyme rhythm you seem to have tried to create. I'd suggest going back through the poem and re-reading it to yourself and hopefully you'll see what I mean by this. The story itself doesn't actually seem to go anywhere with the theme you're using, what were you trying to relay in this poem? Why was the Snorlax unhappy? Why was he being paid? What was he even doing? I think that how you've answered these three questions within the poem contradicts the rest of the poem, which could be something to check out. Also the last 2 lines are completely unrelated to, well, everything. All in all, not a bad effort, but it could certainly use some improvement :) Can't wait to see more of your work!
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