A World Where We Exist
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January 8th, 2012 (4:37 AM).
Lances beat swords
Central Coast - Australia
Welcome to the section!
I'll just mention some points on presentation as that's a fairly important aspect of writing on forums. Firstly, I'd suggest avoiding using different text colours for different characters; it's not normally hard for one to keep track of who is saying what, and it can be hard to read on certain PC skins/styles (for instance the bright green text is hard for me to read on this white/blue background I am using atm). Just stick to the default.
I'd also suggest dropping the script format you have (ie ???: "I say words." in the Name: aspect)- that's more used for scripts and as your story isn't fully presented as one (lack of stage directions for one) I don't feel it's necessary; somewhat out of place if anything like so so try sticking to the usual way, so to speak (E.g. "Dialogue," said Person).
Watch for small mistakes here and there in your writing as well; for instance:
As Drey rides off from his town as he passes by his neighbors he says quick goodbyes to him then rides on and before leaving town he makes a stop at his good friend Julie's house. He ties his bike up on a chain and attaches it to the pole in front of Julie's house and runs up to the door and knocks on the door like mad man.
The first sentence is a run on - it continues and continues even though it should have ended earlier and sounds rushed as a result it is particular evident if you read out loud and this sentence should be a good example of one as well. =p Bits like 'he says quick goodbyes to him' is confusing as well as it suggests he says goodbye to himself while passing his neighbors whose gender/s have not yet been mentioned. The end of the second sentence could also use an 'a' before madman (as one word rather than two, but both are valid). Basically make sure that sentences sound complete/sensible.
Eevee being given as a starting Pokemon because the original trainer abandoned it, and it knowing a fairly strong move in Shadow Ball is a bit hard to believe tbh, as it's awfully convenient and odd that someone would give up what is regarded as a rare Pokemon in Eevee so easily as well... and that it immediately trusted this new trainer as well.
Lastly, some more description on how characters react would add to the story as well. For instance we can tell Drey and Axel are in an argument because you state that fact, but you could also show this. Saying how they talk (loudly? angrily?) can tell us enough to let us figure out they are arguing without saying so directly, which is basically a more engaging way to convey that information to us.
Furthermore, showing us how characters react to events can help us visualise said events better too. The battle was mostly 'Eevee did ____ Totodile then ___' in style, without much shown on how say Totodile reacted to getting hit by a pretty powerful attack in Shadow Ball (cry of pain maybe? Or a growl as it lashed back? And so forth; there's a lot of options so consider them). Trainers themselves could also react to how the battle goes, on that note. As for the battle itself, try going into more detail with the actions/fighting itself. 'used Bite' is somewhat vague and dull, and Pokemon battles are ideally meant to be the most exciting part of a fic too in many cases.
Hopefully that's of help to you. You have a good basis here already, certainly; it just needs some touching up. Fix that presentation first though as if something is hard to read for something, it's not likely that they'd continue reading it if they can read another that's better presented.
Good luck with the rest of your fic!
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