Thread: Improving
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Old January 20th, 2012 (8:33 PM).
PlayingAmongStars's Avatar
PlayingAmongStars PlayingAmongStars is offline
    Join Date: Jan 2012
    Location: Boston
    Nature: Careful
    Posts: 25
    I definitely think I've improved. For example, compare this:

    "The boy pulls her ponytail, and the girl responds by punching him. They soon get into a huge fight, paying no attention to the other duo that comes up behind them.
    'Mind if we take these?' A brown-haired girl asks. She's holding up the bag of food the kids have, dangling it in their faces.
    "Gimme that!' The girl yells. She tries to grab the bag, but fails. The brunette laughs. 'You'll have to do better than that!' The kids stand up, too distracted by the brunette to notice her brother taking everything else the kids have."

    To this:

    "Conversation comes to a complete stop while we eat. I thought Volkner looked healthy and well-fed, but he seems just as starved as the rest of us. His Pokémon eat quickly and heartily except for Scarlet, who takes great care to taste every little drop. My stomach is full before the bowl is empty, so I hand the rest off to Scout. Volkner notices this and puts his bowl down in his lap, face covered in soup. 'Aren't you going to finish it?'

    'Well, no. Not if I'm full…' he stares at me, looking somewhat disturbed. I try to explain, but he talks over me."

    That's a two or three year difference in writing, and holy crap does it show. o.o;
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