The Ballad of Greg Thomas
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February 14th, 2012 (3:36 AM).
Lances beat swords
Central Coast - Australia
The spacing here is better now, for starters - that's what you want to aim for with stories on forums in your chapter there.
I feel the pacing of the chapter was also better here than in the prologue. I was a bit iffy however with how the crash with the portal was handled however as it kinda felt off - for instance I wasn't really convinced that the car would not stop moving or even slow down whatsoever, as it seemed that it moved for a while before he went in the portal. As for the prologue I can't say I have anything more to add to what
psyanic said, so I'll just throw my support to what he said when you get to editing if you do so.
Sometimes you tended to capitalise things that didn't quite feel right to capitalise as well, such as the gears of the car (Forward, Reverse, etc - I don't really feel these are proper nouns), and a couple of other instances I'll quote in a bit. I did prefer the introduction was better here though; more of a sense of the personality of this character established through this part. I also liked that he already noted how trees grew in this world, so I'm interested to see how he goes in the Pokemon world.
the current mayor of Pittsburgh(and a Democrat)
The info in the brackets didn't really seem necessary (what does it add to the story?), and given I am unfamiliar with American politics it's even less useful a fact for myself. Consider the info you add in brackets, and also note you'd want a space between the word before the opening bracket and itself.
and currently going with my life nowhere, and fast,
I feel this reads better as 'and currently going nowhere with my life, and fast' but that's just a suggestion.
You see, I had always been passed over for promotion despite 5 or so years of working at Maxi-Tech
Write out numbers less than 100 in letters, so five over 5. (I
heard a few people going with 10 or more being okay to use numbers for though, but here that difference does not matter).
We do have a daughter, Jessie, who's only 12(bless her heart).
Same as before; throw in a space there and possibly change 12 to twelve.
check up on Jessie in her
video game filled room
as she subjects even more people to a constant barrage of
on Rainbow Road,
up on Kimberly in the Living Room,
'video game-filled room' is another way to go about it and what I would personally use. I am sceptical of shells needing the capitalisation (maybe in the Mario universe it would be more applicable but in the story... I feel less so), 'check' certainly should be with a small c (a few times you capitalised words after a comma; only do this if it is a proper noun or the starting word of a sentence) and 'Living Room' feels unnecessary too as it's not a place of significant importance. 'living room' works better.
main reason I braved all that when I entered whatever tavern I went into was Ray Allison.
"**** you God!"
Side note but you can bypass the swear filter if you want (just need to give a warning about that at the start of the story), and I feel a comma before God could be added (as he is addressing God by that name after all, and when one refers to someone by name/nickname/etc, a comma should come before or after said name used).
Just a few things here; be sure to keep an eye on grammar. I feel a spell/grammar-checker would have also picked some of these so be sure to use that as well as a proofread before posting. That said it's not a bad beginning, and it has potential, certainly. Good luck with the rest of your fic.
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