Thread: [Pokémon] New Journies
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Old May 11th, 2012 (7:43 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
    Join Date: May 2011
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    Age: 21
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    Because Vato didn't touch on everything, I'll take it upon myself to elaborate on a few things.

    Originally Posted by Vato
    Just like we do with people, you must start a Pokemon's name with a capital:
    That's actually up to the author. See, happiny could simply be called the species and is simply a generic name. You don't call your dog Dog do you? You'd probably call him Clifford or something. In that case, you would capitalize it because it's the name. So if Happiny is the name of the Happiny, then yes, they should capitalize it. Even so, it is more of a preference since some people don't see it that way. Just remember that this is more of a personal preference and isn't exactly a rule or anything.

    Anyway, as Vato said, your pacing is ridiculously fast. One minute the character is waking up, the next they spot a shiny Pikachu out of nowhere. You really want to explain things and slow things down. Take the time to explain what your character is doing, who they are, and what gender they are, and even their name. (I'm totally assuming your character is a girl since you implied romance and the character met a guy, unless this is going to be yaoi or something.) In any case, there is little interaction with everything and there is little to no description where you should have some. Without it, we can't tell exactly what's going on and can't fully visualize what's happening in the story. Personally, I could barely make out anything about the character, their mother, and even the 'rival.' Their personalities have yet to be shown, which you should note since characters are defined by their personalities. This will become increasingly problematic because the narrative is in first person, and that's a really good way or portraying the viewpoint character, but you have yet to show us anything.

    Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
    I woke up at about five o clock in the morning to the sound of my alarm clock. I looked around a little scared before I noticed that it was only my alarm clock. So I went outside and ran into tall grass.
    There are a few things that are weird in these few sentences. Vato already said the time thing, so I won't bother with that. But the narrator gets really loopy here. They repeat alarm clock, when they apparently knew it was the alarm clock, and somehow notice it again. You wouldn't think 'sound of my alarm clock' and not assume it was your alarm clock, would you? Also, the running outside seemed completely random. Why in the world would your character do that in the first place? Think realistically. Your characters should be as human as possible. When you wake up in the morning, do you jump out of bed and run outside into grass?

    Also, this goes along with what I said above about the first person perspective. We - the readers - should be able to understand how the character thinks and why they're doing what they're doing. Why? Because the first person literally takes us into the mind of the character and everything they see, hear, touch, and think should be told to us. We need to know this character enough.

    Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
    While I was there a shiny Pikachu appeared, and electrocuted me.
    I'm nitpicking here, but why was the Pikachu even shiny in the first place? I'll just warn you right now that your character has huge potential to be a Mary Sue. If you don't know what that is, well, don't worry because I'll tell you. Mary Sues are characters that lack flaws and are perfect in every which way. They have everything go their way. And in the Pokemon fandom, they tend to have shiny Pokemon at random. I'll just warn you here. Tread safely, because the character is already on thin ice.

    Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
    I started crying and ran back home and told my mom. She told me to go catch it, and gave me a Pokémon and a pokeball. So she gave me her happiny and I was like WTF who in the world is going to try and catch a Pokémon with a happiny.
    Again, the mother character isn't very realistic either. Why would she encourage her daughter to go out and catch a random Pokemon that just attacked her? Mothers - and parents in general - are protective of their children, because that's their job. They love their children and subsequently worry for them. Also, I have a bit of an issue with the bolded text. I find that to be... unprofessional in story writing. And I found the character's reaction to be too little. There could have been more dedicated to her thought process and her way of thinking, since we aren't very engaged into her thoughts at all.

    Next, you have the catch the shiny Pikachu scene. Of course, this scene is a vital part of your story, and I didn't think it delivered. Remember, this is important. The first catch is a big deal in the Pokemon world, and the whole ordeal should be heavily elaborated. Not with all these descriptions of attacks, but with the character. How might they act in this situation? What's going on in their minds, are they excited, timid, worried? There's more to catching the Pokemon than just throwing Poke Balls and attacking Pokemon. Dedicate more word space to the character rather than dull attack descriptions.

    Also, why does the Pikachu know Volt Tackle?

    Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
    The happiny didn’t look to good but quickly countered with a Pound attack that barely did any damage.
    The bolded text should be changed to "too", because that would demonstrate the adverb, which should be used in this case. And again, the next clause starting with "a Pound attack that . . . " might have been better off by actually describing the attack happening. Engage the readers into the battle, because the narrator isn't really into it, apparently. Besides, how does the narrator know that the attack did negligible damage? Describe it to us, and not just tell us. Show, don't tell. It's more interesting to read about things when they're described rather than just in three words about what happened.

    And the subsequent scenes show the pacing to be even faster than before. The mother apparently doesn't care about her daughter, since she let her go off onto a journey within an hour. This raises the question, why start now? Pokemon are everywhere, and she could have caught them before, but why did she wait now to catch a Pokemon? Why in the world did the mother let her daughter go alone? Just because you own a Pokemon doesn't make you obligated to go on a journey. And journeying isn't easy, contrary to what the anime and the games show you. You don't simply pack to travel the world; you'd need to prepare and plan routes to follow to go to specific towns and such, not to mention the registration process.

    Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
    He has a Riolu, Zorua, and Torchic.
    Has is a present tense verb, and is grammatically incorrect in your story because the story itself is in the past tense. Be consistent with the verb tense once you establish it.

    And the battle itself was a bit lackluster - there wasn't enough description or even words to prove that this was an important battle, even though it was. Obviously, this is the character's first trainer battle and the narrator tells it as something unimportant. Again, show, don't tell. You wrote down what happened in a series of actions, without any sort of description to slow down the action, which would imply the significance of the event. Battles are a big deal in the world of Pokemon. Hell, many dedicate their lives to Pokemon battling or contests or whatever. Show us how big a deal this battle is. There wasn't much dialogue at all, and I could barely make out how the characters even met. You just randomly throw out that they want to battle each other, without either of them saying a thing. Character interactions are important, and a big part of that is dialogue. That's how characters communicate. Through words, just like how I'm communicating with you. And there was a lot of things we apparently missed, like naming the Pikachu.

    I should mention that I found these Pokemon to be ridiculously powerful, despite the narrator to be a neophyte trainer. And her Pikachu already knew a ton of moves, none of which she had to read off a sheet of paper to know what they were. The latter is inconsistent with the previous parts of the story, because she needed to read a sheet of paper to know what moves Happiny knew.

    Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
    I said as it's body was cloaked in a yellow glow and it charged towards Raime and somehow managed to knock it out.
    Here you should use "its" because that is the possessive form; the form you're using now is the conjunction of "it is."

    Originally Posted by Rafael p View Post
    The nurse looked suprised when she saw the shae that my Pikachu was in.
    It is spelled 'surprised' and you left out the p in 'shape.'

    That's all I can muster up, because I'm getting tired. Naix is an interesting name, as well as Raime, and they seem to be interesting characters. At least, that's what I got from the battle anyway. Although you do need to work on explaining things more thoroughly as well as telling readers just what's going on, you can make this story to be a masterpiece. The only setback you have is yourself, but luckily, there's an easy remedy. I would highly suggest that you proofread, not only for typos and mechanics, but for the story as a whole. Read the story out loud and then you can truly determine what parts of the story you liked and disliked. That way, you can edit. If you need help with that, we have a Beta Lounge where you can pick up a Beta Reader who can help you proofread your story before you post it.

    I hope that I provided some feedback for you to work with, and I hope to see you continue to write and strive to improve. Good luck!
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