Thread: [Pokémon] Crestfield (PG-13)
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Old May 27th, 2012 (4:38 AM).
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
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It's fairly well written for a story in your second language, I have to say. The story had a nice atmosphere to it, particularly during the blackout and clock chimes, and a natural change in that atmosphere too from the beginning to the end. The dynamics between her and her father were interesting as well, I felt. I quite enjoyed this. There were a few mistakes here and there but it's fairly solid nonetheless, and the ending was quite intriguing to boot.
Hey, I’m Luca! How are you doing?
I live on the second floor~
A timid smile appeared on one of her skinny mouth’s corner;
This part sounded a bit off. Maybe 'corners' at the least, but something like, say 'A timid smiled appeared in a corner of her skinny mouth' works better.
- Miriam. – Her father was leaning on the doorframe, watching. His voice startled her and she awkwardly folded the paper again and hided it in her back pocket. – I’ve called you already three times for dinner. – She didn’t listen. She was too immersed in her thoughts and in that note to hear even the loudest noise. – You’d better get going or the food will cool.
I'm not sure if this method of dialogue was purposeful or the convention for your country, but normally rather than - Hello. -, it's "Hello." - using "" for the quotation marks and without any spacing between them and the actual dialogue. Besides that it seems that the rest is done correctly for English based on what is there.
Miriam nodded and when her father turned back and closed the door, she quickly headed towards the dresser and returned the paper to its original position: under the winter wear that she didn’t liked anymore. Therefore, nobody would found it.
rather than liked it should be like, and find over found. It's correct to be using past tense in general as the rest of the writing is also in that tense, but not so in these cases of using those words. I would also be inclined to have the last sentence reworded slightly (such as just removing 'Therefore,' as it seems unnecessary in this case).
Miriam didn’t have much choice but obey.
'but to obey', I suggest.
She stood up quickly and tried to reach the electrical switchboard, but when she make a move, she stumble over her backpack and fell on her knees, onto the blue rug near the bed.
Here, made and stumbled over those two bolded words respectively. I also question the mention of the blue rug - is it important to mention that colour, particularly when the lights have gone out?

Overall it was an intriguing start, so I hope you'll end up posting more. Good luck with your story at any rate! =)
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