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Old June 12th, 2012 (8:59 PM).
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moonlightning moonlightning is offline
Bird Of Thunder
    Join Date: Jul 2011
    Gender: Male
    Posts: 59
    Notes: I know I'm taking a pretty big risk by posting another story, but... yeah...
    What? Elite, you were the one who inspired me to get into fan fiction, which allowed me to gain the skills to get into original fiction (Not to mention finishing my first novel). Don't get so hung up about failure, because that's all it does: Hangs you up.

    Motivational speech aside *ahem*. . .

    Today, in this harsh setting, this girl’s gotta do what this girl’s gotta do. And someone’s gonna get what’s coming to him.
    Nice use of a cliché. They usually detract from a story, but in this case, coming from a narrator gives life and personality to the character. It makes her seem like a real person. That's important, right?

    That is a sexy word.

    The way you covered her rise to champion status was executed well. Backed by your rock solid style and a "tell it like it is" narrator, the "telling" instead of "showing" introduction was interesting and informative.

    Evidently, the Pokémon League thought I was doing a bit too well.
    Nice job giving the reader a taste of what is to come. That sentence drips with foul play.

    I liked your reasoning for why the "Legendary Trainer" hung out on top of a tall icy mountain in the middle of a dangerous wasteland. A good parody of one of the many logic farts that exist in the Pokemon universe.

    I returned to find that my trainer ID card no longer let me into the Pokémon League headquarters, so I couldn’t take up my usual post in the Champion’s chambers. I demanded an explanation. The League denied even knowing of my existence. And sure enough, I log onto a computer and go to the League’s web site only to find out two things. First, I wasn’t even registered as a trainer anymore! Then I looked up an article on Team Rocket and it said that, “A boy named Red was responsible for the group’s disbanding after defeating Giovanni. He later went on to become Champion.”
    I feel this way every time I start a new game. "Don't you people know I was the champion back in Kanto???" I'm also enjoying the way you keep slipping in the fact that Leaf is the true champion of Kanto, I know from your blog how annoyed you were when that weakling with the Pikachu appeared at the summit of Mount Silver instead of Leaf.

    (Sick of quoting, time for the rant!)

    A pretty solid piece in my opinions, this new character of yours has a great tone but I believe that she needs interaction with other characters for me to see her true colours. I can't help but wonder, "does she talk like this to everyone?" She seems like a down to earth, realistic type of girl who is ready to demolish anyone who stands in the way of her ambition. Stripping her of everything she had worked for was a nice way of starting the story and the whole injustice of the matter has me rooting for her all the way.

    It's sort of ironic for the ghost elite four member to die, isn't it?

    However, this character of yours has a flaw that I can see. Is there anyone who can oppose her? This battling god who can tear even Lance a new one, who is supposed to suppress her voice? Her cry of outrage that she was stripped of her rightful status? In order to combat this powerful protagonist you're going to need to employ a cunning, violent antagonist who isn't afraid to do anything to dirty her name and put doubt on her claims of a champion title. I'm hoping that this will become more of a psychological battle between the unknown antagonist (unless it is the elite four in general) and your protagonist with each trying to out-predict the other in a winner takes all think-to-the-death.

    As my wild and incoherent speculation suggests, this has plenty of potential and I hope that these words you are reading on the screen right now can convince you to continue!

    In conclusion:

    What is great for you!:
    • Great work on the voice of the main character!
    • Nice set up of the story, but make sure to keep it as fast paced and exciting as Lurking In The Shadows and A Coordinated Investigation.
    • Conspiracy is in the title, what more can I say?

    What is a pain for you. . . :
    • I'm expecting an amazing antagonist, are you up for the challenge?
    • Give me a clearer picture of your protagonist, make sure she interacts! I want to know if she is charming, careful or cocky, show me!
    • Having read two excellent fics before this my expectations are high! (Think J.K Rowling writing books after Harry Potter.)

    Thanks for the awesome read! Have a nice day!

    (Oh god, HARUKA? I must be a thousand chapters behind in ROOTS. . .)