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Old August 28th, 2012 (9:06 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,919
An alternate universe anime fic? Those are my favorite!

This is looking to be interesting. I like how you're taking your time in setting up the story and getting the characters connected. It leaves time for references to older characters, like Todd and Suzie. It's also just really nice to spend time with all these characters, getting to know how they've changed in the years and how you're writing about them.

The only advice I can give right now is to keep your eye on typos. There weren't any huge ones, but there were a lot of small ones. Mostly comma placements. Proof-read your chapters before you post, or you can ask for a beta reader to check them over for you. It's a step that, if taken, would help make your chapters read better. For example, towards the end of chapter one, the chapters weren't as numerous, and I didn't stumble over an unnecessary or missing piece of punctuation.

Good luck, and I'm looking forward to more!

Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
A bug in Ender's Game

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