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Old September 8th, 2012 (5:20 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
Which is which?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 13,526
Is it good? Was it scary? Please comment.
I'm afraid I can't answer that, as currently it is too hard to read!

You really would want to use some spacing and paragraphing there. Start a new paragraph whenever the general subject changes or when someone else talks, and use a line of spacing between each paragraph (much like this post or other stories on the forums; different from how books do it, but basically things computer screens aren't the best for reading things in the first place, so this is the usual method for formatting stories posted online).

At a quick glance, watch for small mistakes too; e.g.:
The Umbreon had a crooked smile, bloody tail, bloody ears and bloody feat.
feet, I presume.
It's sprite came up on the Gameboy with a grunt
Its; "It's" is short for 'it is', while Its is the possessive one that you want here (not 'It is sprite came up').

Try some more description as well and show us what the character felt rather than telling us; rather than saying 'he stood horrified' mention some details that'd show the reader that. Did his hands shake, heartbeat thump loudly, and so forth?

But main thing first; use paragraphs so it doesn't potentially give readers sore eyes before they look for a story that is better presented, I suggest.
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