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Old September 16th, 2012 (3:42 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is online now
Remember NovEnder
    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: Connecticut, USA
    Age: 30
    Gender: Male
    Posts: 10,048
    Fanfics should be posted in the main section of FF&W. I'll move it there for you.

    Quickly glancing through this now, though, it doesn't seem complete. There's a lot of missing description, and it's hard to tell what's going on and why. It's really unbelievable too. I don't think that school officials would allow a student that started fires in elementary school, physically assaulted another student, and caused major distractions to be punished only by one detention. Not to mention the possible murder (suffocation and bleeding) happening on school property that no one gets punished for.

    Wait. They set a kid on fire? In a public area with witnesses and teachers?

    And everything gets solved by a simple speech? With no one getting punished?

    Moving on to something simple, your word choices are very odd.

    Droplets of saline water erupted out of his skin.
    Why not just say sweat?

    The saline liquid came out of his eyelids.
    Or tears?

    Dampness of the bed dripped out of it
    What? If he's crying that much that his bed is soaked through enough to leak tears, then he's at least massively dehydrated.

    This story was very hard to take seriously. Everything was over-the-top that it's almost comedic and completely unbelievable. Bob's reactions make him a character that comes off as more annoying than someone to care for, and all of his classmates should seek some help because they're little murderers.

    And don't the adults care? At all?

    I'll still move your thread, but it seriously needs improvements.

    "Bob, I will try to hang out with you and Bill

    The prologue begins now! Before you start to run
    Reach out with your hand and grab your freedom
    An absolute protagonist, a perfect hero...
    Sadly, these are things I'll never become

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