Bob's Life in School 1
View Single Post
September 16th, 2012 (3:42 PM).
Fanfics should be posted in the main section of FF&W. I'll move it there for you.
Quickly glancing through this now, though, it doesn't seem complete. There's a lot of missing description, and it's hard to tell what's going on and why. It's really unbelievable too. I don't think that school officials would allow a student that started fires in elementary school, physically assaulted another student, and caused major distractions to be punished only by one detention. Not to mention the possible murder (suffocation and bleeding) happening
on school property
that no one gets punished for.
They set a kid
In a public area
with witnesses and teachers?
And everything gets solved by a simple speech? With no one getting punished?
Moving on to something simple, your word choices are very odd.
Droplets of saline water erupted out of his skin.
Why not just say sweat?
The saline liquid came out of his eyelids.
Dampness of the bed dripped out of it
What? If he's crying that much that his bed is soaked through enough to leak tears, then he's at least massively dehydrated.
This story was very hard to take seriously. Everything was over-the-top that it's almost comedic and completely unbelievable. Bob's reactions make him a character that comes off as more annoying than someone to care for, and all of his classmates should seek some help because they're little murderers.
And don't the adults care? At all?
I'll still move your thread, but it seriously needs improvements.
, I will try to hang out with you and
Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
A bug in Ender's Game
Joined May 2006
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Astinus
Find all posts by Astinus
Find threads started by Astinus
Ignore Posts by Astinus