View Single Post
Old September 24th, 2012 (11:56 AM).
TornZero's Avatar
TornZero TornZero is offline
Resident Yuri-ism Cult Leader
    Join Date: Apr 2010
    Location: In your pantry, eatin' your delicious cake.
    Age: 23
    Gender: Female
    Posts: 1,139
    Fuyu, as usual, you do amazing work. Even low on steam, I can't hate the prepubescent pipsqueak.

    As for YOU, Kiklion...

    All you need is The warden's acceptance and you're good to go! I would've liked to see more of an appearance-based relation to Cameron's Sin since there are, like, a thousand ways to make that happen, but I can happily deal with the work you've put into it. ^_^

    Make any changes you deem necessary, like for proofreading, and take a seat.

    Lt. Col. Fantastic, I like Dillon, really, and you're one of many people I wouldn't want to reject.

    That said, I'll try and give you as many chances as necessary to make Dillon a complete character. (Hopefully with the formatting and some of the errors fixed as well, since a lot of it is bolded where it doesn't need to be. If you need/would like some help proofreading, don't hesitate to ask someone.)

    First and foremost, there's still little to nothing on how Dillon's Virtue has affected him. His Holy appearance can also be expanded on without issue, but I'd /really/ like it if his Hell Form had some semblance to his Sin. From Belphegor to a real sloth, Sloth has quite a few portrayals and relations. The last thing on appearances is his Holy Artefact. I understand having the sunglasses, but it would be much, much, much better if it was actually embedded in Dillon's body. Magic can very easily be overpowered if someone is stronger either in abilities or just physical strength. (The Hulk, for example, would probably be able to rip those sunglasses off Dillon's face with brute force alone, and all the Sin & Virtue students are going to end up being stronger than the Hulk with their powers, not to mention a few as-of-yet unnamed NPCs.)


    • The human form abilities: I'd prefer if you changed his Sin ability to some point so it doesn't let the Sin actually take over whenever he uses it. You also need to add an ability for his Virtue. xD

    MASSive Power still needs some kind of balance (though mostly logic, rather than actual power balance). You'd have to be LESS than gaseous to pass through something solid. Maybe just concentrate that pseudo-intangibility to a certain amount of his body at a time to pass through attacks without losing his entire body to an atomic scattering in the process.

    Hothead and Mellow: These really just need expansion and some explanation; like, how much recklessness can Hothead cause, and how difficult is it for someone to resist the effects of these two abilities? (I'll go with the Hulk as the example again, because he probably couldn't get more reckless, and there's no sense in trying to make him level-headed.)

    Sunlight Blades: While the cutting through steel and iron is acceptable, it should require some effort since the school is mostly concrete. A missed swing could bring it down in no time. xD

    Willpowerups: This also needs some extra explaining. Is the boost affected by range; can it also affect those around him? That kind of stuff.

    Insect Manipulation: Personally, I wouldn't call hive mind insects dumb when you compare them to other bugs. This needs just minor expansion. Does he have an approximate range of effect, how simple does the order have to be for the bugs to carry it out?, etc. (Bugs and arachnids alike are rather stupid compared to humans; they wouldn't be able to understand something complex.)

    Webbing: Still love it, but 30lbs is a /bit/ much. Like, a fifth or sixth of Dillon's total weight, depending on how heavy he is. Putting it in terms of volume rather than weight also helps, such as gallons or litres. Strands of spider webbing are also ten times stronger than steel of the same weight. (Spider webbing can even be used in bulletproof vests!) Your webbing can be MUCH stronger than it currently is; just lower the amount he can use over a given period of time.

    I will be moving my account to Songbird over the course of immediately. The signature will stay as is for posterity and reference.