Thread: [Pokémon] A New Generation episode 1
View Single Post
Old October 17th, 2012 (9:24 PM).
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus Astinus is offline
Remember NovEnder
  • EOEvent Organizer
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,001
Please include more description in your story and don't write in script fic. It's against the section's rules to post improperly-written script fics. So instead of
Tara: Daddy where the heck is Cole?
you could have
Tara asked, "Daddy, where the heck is Cole?"
Description would help let readers know who is who. It's hard to tell what's going on in the story and who everyone is. Like are Tara and Jerry twins of Gary's? And I'm not sure why you stopped the chapter right at the start of the battle. It's a weird place to end.

Grammar could use a little improvement too. Like
If you had not retired from being a trainer. You would be the one being the Master not Ash.
could be one sentence. There's missing punctuation and punctuation throughout your chapter. A read-through before posting by you and/or a beta reader would fix those.

You can try rewriting your chapter to fit in with the rules (no script for dialogue) and fix up the grammar and missing description. But this thread is closed for not fitting the rules.
Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
A bug in Ender's Game