View Single Post
Old October 19th, 2012 (3:27 AM). Edited October 19th, 2012 by Volcanix769.
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769 Volcanix769 is offline
Known as the Quilava Guy!
    Join Date: Nov 2011
    Location: NJ in the U.S
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Careful
    Posts: 613
    I wanted to do this since I wanted to improve in my story. So here it is:

    Title of Story: Pokemon Johto Adventures

    Plot Summary: This adventurous 10 year old kid named Blake Chambers sets off a journey to follow his dad's goals. He can be a little hotheaded and lacks in tactics a bit while battling, but he is a very good trainer. When he bonds with this enigmatic Pokemon named Quil that has a temper, they set to work together to reach the goal of being one of the best teams there is.

    Genre: Action/Adventure

    Rating: PG-13

    Type of mentor needed: Comprehensive, Plot, Proof-Read, and Grammar

    Writing Sample:

    Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
    Then I got my Poke Ball out. "Ok Quil, come out."
    I threw out the Poke Ball and Quil was released as red energy until he was his real self. When he saw me, he turned around, feeling irritable.

    "Hey Quil, that's what I am going to name you, so.... I will be your partner. But first, I need to take you to my house. SO let's go."

    When I walked, Quil wasn't moving a bit. "I said, let's go." He still didn't move. Then I got a leash and tied it at his neck. Then I dragged his body, but he's heavy as a tomb.

    I groaned in annoyed way, seeing that Quil refused to walk. "Ok. I'll carry you." I picked him up and grabbed him tight, since he refuses to last in my hands. I came back, seeing my Mom cooking and Buzz playing by himself.

    "Mom, I'm back." I said.

    She stopped stirring and rotated towards me. "Honey, why are you back so soon, I thought that you started."

    "I did, but I want to show you my Cyndaquil." I put him at the ground. Buzz then ran to Quil, being excited that he could play with him. Quil didn't move a bit, he was like a petrified newborn.

    "Be Bee!(Hey there!)" Buzz greeted. Quil said nothing, it's like he was dead. "Bee?" Buzz tried moving Quil's front and back legs, but he refused to move. When Buzz used Thundershock to move Quil, that angered Quil, then he kicked Buzz to the wall. My eyes were in shock with my heart racing.

    "Quil, stop this instant right now!" I put my finger down.

    But Quil ignored my command, then he erupted his flame out, but this time, it was blue. I gasped. Like, how can a Cyndaquil have his flame be blue?! That's nearly impossible, except for a Charizard. Then Quil used Quick Attack and tackled Buzz, causing a big crater at the wall that's the size of a boulder. They rolled down to my creepy basement used by sewer Pokemon such as Ratatta and Spinarak. Then he punched him harshly and used Ember to burn him.

    Quil, like I said, STOP NOW!" I angrily commanded, then I stomped the ground angrily with my face having a serious grin.
    But Quil still didn't comprehend like if he has no consciousness. Then he used Ember again and burned Buzz.

    "Beeeeee!!" Buzz ran while he was on fire, at the point he passed out. My mom then ran to Buzz down the stairs, seeing if he was ok, then he slowly opened his eyes. I cried hardly, then I stomped my foot and ran down the stairs, seeing Buzz badly injured, with a slight bit of blood coming streaming out of his wide open mouth.

    "Quil! What is your problem! You are the worst Pokemon I have ever seen! Your disobedience is far enough! You almost killed Buzz for pete sake! Because of your problem! He would never do that to someone, and you don't even care about how much damage you caused!? I tried being your friend, but NOOOOO...... You TEND TO act like I AM YOUR ENEMY! NOW WE ARE. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND FINE! Get out of my face, NOW!" I then pointed the door, hyperventilating harshly.