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Old November 22nd, 2012 (4:36 PM). Edited November 23rd, 2012 by Volcanix769.
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Volcanix769 Volcanix769 is offline
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    Wait...... as I glanced through this, it made me wonder on how Pokemon and Minecraft both exist in this realm. I read that this is a crossover, so I can partially understand.........

    And I want to say this, but how is there a Pokemon in the Minecraft world? You didn't explain what's happening and it's hard to tell what's going on in this story since it's too shady to even comprehend.

    Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
    Today, I woke up in this strange blocky world. In my hand, were two intriging items, an empty book, and a sphere shaped red and white ball.
    Ok, there's a spelling error. intriging should be "intriguing". And this started off kind of uninteresting and just an empty void in my mind. Yes you described it, but its too vague.

    Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
    When I opened it up, i started to look at it closely, wondering what it was doing there. I saw a small note tucked into the spine, reading 'You are in Minecraft. Your name... is Steve.'
    I kind of have no problem with this paragraph of the imagery, though it needs to be better. You need to show by describing on what's happening, not tell by just words. And I should be capitalized.

    Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
    A strange orange doglike creature sat in front of me whining "growlithe..."
    Growlithe should be capitalized. No problem with everything else.

    Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
    The sun seemed to be in the center of the sky. Space Needed. I decided that I'd better hurry, I wanted to be safe and asleep at ightfall. I saw a tree nearby and tenderly poked it, leaving a large crack in it. How soft were these things? I punched all of the wood from the tree and fidgeted with it. I disovered that I could turn it into planks, and two of them into sticks.
    You need to show, not tell on this one. Describe on how the sun's like instead of just telling that it "seems to be at the center." There are 2 spelling errors, ightfall should be "nightfall" and disovered should be "discovered."

    And you need to add a period since it sounds better to me. Also, from this, you're telling what's happening again.

    Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
    Knife started to look worried around dusk, when I had just made a stone sword, and I leapt into the air. Space Needed. Since when was it so dark?!
    Again, another punctuation problem. I know that you don't really check your work since you're in a hurry for your exams, I do that most of the time, but you should be at least proofreading before posting it to be precise of your final draft. And there's a few unnecessary commas.

    The imagery is fine, but it should have been more avid to understand our perception of how Steve managed to jump or how it's starting to get dark. It should be like:

    I began to notice of how Knife was feeling a bit uneasy of how the sky began to darken with a dark shade of black as dusk began to make its presence. I just perfected a sharp, precise sword. I seriously glanced towards my right arm. It lets out bright, glimmering shine, It seems to recognize me as its master. I effortlessly leaped into the air.

    Originally Posted by chaoticlapras View Post
    I frantically made a small Space Needed. door, placed it, and made a tiny room of planks, with a torch there, and a furnace, crafting bench and a chest in the wall. Using some of my charcoal, I cooked some pork, and munched silently away throughout the night, slightly... OK, that underdoes it... tremblingly petrified by the freaky noises outside...
    I have a few problems with this. Again, another space error. There's another set of misused commas. Again. Show, not tell. And at the end, I don't know if he's talking or thinking in his mind. If he's talking, please add quotation marks.

    Overall, it's pretty decent. I can understand that you did rush in order to finish your things, but you should have proofread before typing this and submitting this. It's OK, but try not to leave that much errors.

    Also, when I mean by "Show, not Tell", I mean by describing what's happening in vivid words that can flow instead of just adjectives with short bursts. I learned that from a lot of people, so I can understand how you tried making this good by just doing that. Plus, Steve just seems kind of bland in my taste.

    I'm done.
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