Thread: [Pokémon] Marowak: The Avenger
View Single Post
Old December 7th, 2012 (10:00 PM).
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill bobandbill is online now
shake that booty
  • Administrator
  • Social Media
  • PokéCommunity Daily
  • Discord Moderoid
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 13,445
I'd say that there's still some work to do in editing here, primarily with tense confusion and clarity of the sentence structure. It's a consistent problem so I'll only mention a few instances of it, starting with the opening paragraph.
In Ilex Forest, frigid winds traveled across the silent, tropical area as they pushed leaves and grass lightly. Almost every Pokemon that resides at this distant, remote area are mostly set in intense hibernation. Except a lone wolf Marowak that’s in the center of the forest with no trees cascading her presence.
To begin with, there's 'traveled' and 'pushed', which are past-tense words. The next sentence however used 'resides', a present-tense word (rather than 'resided'). I'd suggest first deciding which tense you want to use in the story, and then stick to it. Mixing up tenses makes the writing sound awkward, messes with the pacing and is distracting to the reader as a result.

The last sentence shouldn't be its own sentence, as it is incomplete. Although you can start sentence with 'Except' it's not a usually good choice and here it sounds odd. As it is referring to the previous sentence you would be better off joining it with it (e.g. '...set in intense hibernation, except for a lone wolf Marowak...').

'No trees cascading her presence' sounds rather odd and too flowery as well; I'm not very sure of what you are really trying to say. Be sure that what you write is clear to the reader. In cases it is better to forego description if it's going to drown out the story. For reference, cascading means 'A waterfall or a series of small waterfalls over steep rocks.', 'Something, such as lace, thought to resemble a waterfall or series of small waterfalls, especially an arrangement or fall of material.' or 'A succession of stages, processes, operations, or units.', none of those which fit with trees (nor did additional ones such as electronic defininitions).
She swiftly grasped them and she slowly walks cautiously,
Sometimes you overdo 'She ___'; twice in the same sentence is a bit much. The main point here I want to make is on the tenses again; 'grasped' is past, and 'walks' present. It's either grasped and walked, or grasps and walks, not a mixture of them.

One other major point I'll raise is how you start sentences with 'He', 'The' or 'She' too often. For instance during the battles with Cyndaquil and Cubone the first two cropped up an awful lot, which began to make the story sound too repetitive. Try to mix it up some more.

There is improvement over the previous version I saw ages back from memory, mind, but there's still a lot you can do. If you wish to edit some more then I advise just working on these points for now. Clarity, proper/not repetitiven sentence structure and tense confusion are major aspects after all, so they deserve attention first and foremost.
Reply With Quote