Zanas's Fired Red Nuzlocke
View Single Post
December 14th, 2012 (2:31 PM).
The title was what caught my eye with this. Do you mean to have that "d" at the end of "Fire"?
There are actually a lot of typos in this. Do you read over your chapters when you finish them before you post? That might catch a lot of the typos, along with having someone else look over it before posting to catch anything you might have missed. Fixing up the typos would make this easier to read because readers won't be stumbling over strange-looking words.
Another thing is that you tend to cram a lot of information into one or two sentences. Like here:
She’s wearing the usual gear for any trainer; short’s, an armband with a symbol of a PokeBall on the side, red all over with two arches on the top and bottom with a button like circle between them, easy to run in tennis shoes and an opened up silver jacket with a strapless black top snug under the zip up. He dark hair is tied into a ponytail the stretches down to a just past her shoulders.A finger length bundle of hair is died a crimson red and stretches from her scalp down along the rest of hair.
I had to read through this part several times to realize that not only are you listing what Catherine is wearing, but also describing what a Pokeball looks like and how she styles her hair. There are a few solutions to this. One thing is to interweave the description in with the action. Like, for a really quick example: "She pulled her silver jacket tighter around her. Despite the heat of the spectators, her strapless black top couldn't keep her warm on its own."
(I'd also say that I'm not sure if that's the typical gear of a trainer. Most tend to wear long pants, which are better suited for traveling. And not many trainers dye their hair or wear armbands.)
Another solution to that paragraph is to think about what's really necessary to tell the readers. For instance, right now I'd say that it's not really important to know what Catherine wore when she was younger. What would be important is the fact that Allin wears a fedora, so that when you mention that Zanas wears one as well, the reader can make a connection.
Onto Zanas as a character, I'm not sure how he feels about his ability to talk to Pokemon. He doesn't like people calling him a freak for it, but he doesn't really go out of his way to hide it. He's openly arguing with a Rattata in front of people, including someone he's never seen before. It's just weird that he doesn't try to hide it, since the ability could get him very unwanted attention.
Your story does have a different start to it other than a character waking up to be a trainer. There's just quite a few grammar issues to clean up. I'll wait for more chapters to see how you handle Zanas's journey.
Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
A bug in Ender's Game
Joined May 2006
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Astinus
Find all posts by Astinus
Find threads started by Astinus
Ignore Posts by Astinus