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Old December 24th, 2012 (10:23 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: Connecticut, USA
    Age: 31
    Gender: Male
    Posts: 10,062
    Why didn't you describe the battle at all? You just have short little paragraphs of the trainers commanding their Pokemon, but we never see the Pokemon use their attacks. This is especially bad because your chapters are going to rely heavily on the action of the battles. That's where the story is, since you're writing about Ash challenging a League. That's the time when you can get a lot of interest with battles, having them be between two really strong trainers. You can pull out interesting tricks and moves, or just describe how much power the Pokemon have.

    You have Ash battle two Elite Four members in the page length of barely half-a-page and in the story time of estimated half-hour, if even that. Ash should be challenged in these fights. There should be some drama during the fight, where at least one trainer on either side is worried about the match.

    Also, how do the Pokemon move in the battle. How do they perform their attacks and get around their opponents' attacks?

    Right now, your chapter is rather boring and rushed to read. There's still no sign of characterization of the characters. Where's Ash's care for his Pokemon and enjoyment at winning against the Elite? Or what about his friends watching him, since they always cheer him on and talk about his matches.

    Take your time writing your chapters. Read other fics to see how they write fanfiction or check out some of the guides posted around these forums.

    The prologue begins now! Before you start to run
    Reach out with your hand and grab your freedom
    An absolute protagonist, a perfect hero...
    Sadly, these are things I'll never become

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