Thread: [Pokémon] Long Road to Ruin (M)
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Old December 30th, 2012 (5:29 PM).
Rissa_Napier23's Avatar
Rissa_Napier23 Rissa_Napier23 is offline
The Lass Class Trainer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Gotham City
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Nature: Quiet
Posts: 19
I like the interactions between Willow and her Gastly most of all thus
far in this story. The Gastly is quite cute in its behaviour and lively as
well, although I feel you could have gone without stating it when it
was introduced:

Suddenly, the woman's greying-purple hair was licked out of her face
by a Gastly who seemed extremely hyper and excited to have gotten
out of its Pokeball.

It's telling the audience facts in the 'seemed extremely hyper and
excited' part which for one is a bit boring, and too imo needless
because what Gastly does is more interesting to read and
communicates the same info to us.
Oh, I hope I'm quoting this stuff right, and if not, I apologize. I've been mobile for ages now, and it's difficult to make things look just right!

Continuing on, I think so far those interactions have been my favorite to write(Even in respect to the draft of the second chapter, where Lily is interacting with the newly hatched Pokemon)! A happy Gastly is a peppy Gastly. xD hmm... In retrospect, that really is pointing out the obvious, isn't it? In the future, I'll do my best to avoid obvious description.

"Gah, Obake! NO!" The woman scolded, wiping the ghostly spit from her

That 'The' should be a 'the'. That's because what follows the dialogue here
(The woman scolded,...) is a continuation of the dialogue itself. It tells us
who said it/how it was said, and reads as one sentence together (for
instance, it would sound odd if you read that quote as separate sentences
complete with pause. ('"Gah, Obake! NO! *beat* The woman scolded, wiping
the...' sounds odd and the part following the dialogue would not sound right
by itself). Hence there's no need to capitalise 'the' there as it is not truly the
first word in the sentence.
Whups, another silly mistake on my part. I really should pay more attention to exactly when my phone capitalizes letters, or possibly turn off autocorrect. Thanks for pointing it out!

Though, after a few moments of its foolish dancing about, it followed Joan
into her room and mimicked sitting on her bed, watching her intently as she
packed potions, revives, and berries in her purse, and pulled her hair back
into a ponytail.

This sounded a bit odd in starting the sentence with 'Though'. I feel it's
better just as 'After a few moments...' Maybe it would be an idea to split
this sentence into two as well as it's somewhat of a run on sentence. A lot
is going on (dances for a bit, follows into room, mimes sitting, watches her
back various things, fixes hair).
I honestly never thought about how that could look odd, but considering that "though" is more of a linking word, I can see how it would look funny. Oh, and the odd run-on! That looks funny now too, in retrospect.

The Pokemon that it often contained had been held it it for what felt like
This sentence sounds a bit confusing and could use rewording. I'm not
really sure what is being said.
Ah, on that, I think that was just plain error. If I recall, it should have said "The Pokemon that the Pokeball had often contained had been held in it for what felt like decades." but even that sounds a bit funny. Maybe it should be "The Pokeball had contained the Gastly for what felt like decades."

Thanks for critiquing! I really appreciate it.
One day I'll have something interesting to put here.

And you guys should check out my Journey fic, Long Road to Ruin!
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