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Old February 17th, 2013 (9:24 AM).
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Barrels Barrels is offline
The Fresh Prince of Kanto
  • Silver Tier
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Three thousand miles from home
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Posts: 82
I thought about the terms asexual and aromantic for a while
For a moment I read that as 'aromatic', and I was unreasonably delighted. Because I iz thick.

Right! Hello! Um, so I haven't posted in here (apart from joining) because, well, I'm heterosexual. And therefore have about as much understanding of everyone's problems and feelings as a particularly slow-witted tree. Having said that... I'm going to try to contribute, because something about your post struck a chord with me. So apologies in advance if I screw up...

(I also tend to think too much and generally make things more difficult than they are).
Welcome to the club, haha. No, wait, don't leave! We have donuts. Donuts shaped like thoughts. That's how meta we are.

As I said before I don't know what love is, so how do I know when I'm in love with someone?
Well... this is completely personal experience, and for all I know you're asexual/aromantic/aromatic, but... maybe it'll help. So...

How do I know when I'm in love with someone?
When people talk about falling in love, a lot of the time what they mean is - 'I can't stop thinking about this person.' I've had that. It honestly can keep you awake; you can't get them out of your head, but usually that's down largely to the fact that you don't really want to. And they'll also mean, 'I'm massively attracted to this person; I think they're gorgeous.' That's kinda the physical component there.

But then you've got the romantic stuff - and that, for me, has essentially consisted of either honestly believing the person is a wonderful, fantastic human being or knowing that they're only human like the rest of us but thinking they're special anyway. (The second is obviously a lot healthier than the first...)

Maybe I can use an example. I don't know if you've ever seen reality shows about relationship problems (there's a lot in the UK, which is admittedly no excuse) - where good people, decent people, will sit on a stage in front of an audience and expound at length on all the times their partner has messed them around/forgot their kid's birthday/cheated on them with their sister. And I always used to sit there wondering - 'how? Why? How can you still like that person after they've let you down so much?'

But the thing is...they do. Somehow. And as I get older, and meet more people, and fall harder and more often, I'm beginning to understand why. Maybe I'm beginning to understand love.

...None of which is particularly helpful, is it? I'm sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in answer to your question:
How can I know I'm gay if I don't know who I love or even who I like?
Maybe you don't need to worry about 'love'. Love is a funny old thing, and it's different for different people, and sometimes it hits you like a train and sometimes it takes years to grow. Trying to define love is a massive undertaking that you might not need to do just to figure out who you are. (If knowing what love was was a prerequisite for labelling yourself gay, straight or anything else, we'd all be up the spout.)


It really depends on how you define 'gay' (and 'straight', and 'asexual', come to that). Personally, I'm inclined to go with Gyardosamped:
I know I’m homosexual because I like males, and you like females, so I guess that labels us as gay?
In other words, if you're attracted to your own gender - if you can and do imagine kissing/doing-other-non-PC-friendly-activities with them, congratulations! You're gay.

(Oh Lord, that sounds so jumped-up and presumptuous and condescending and gaaahh, doesn't it? I'm so sorry. I have no intention of telling you what you are - like I'd know, anyway. This is just my personal view. It means nothing. It means less than nothing. It's like a great big stew of gaseous nonsense. By all means ignore it. The only reason it's escaped my backspace key is that you wrote, 'I'd like to be able to say that I know I'm gay', and I wanted to help.)

The more I think about it, though... 'gay' is just a name for a difference - something that you don't share with some other people, right? In this case, it's the capacity to feel attracted to girls if you're a girl and guys if you're a guy. Speaking as a boring old straight, we just don't - can't, even. So you and I, we're different in that regard: I've only ever liked the opposite gender, and you haven't. And the name we give to that difference could be 'gay'. (It could alternatively be 'mulpichurichious'. Whatever floats your boat.) And I think you can know you're mulpichurichious without ever falling in love.

Dunno if that's helped any. But before I go...

I'm capable of romantic (and sexual, but I'm not going to mention that) feelings, but believe it or not: for a lot of people.
So basically you fancy loads of different people. I have a feeling that's more common that you might think. Just speaking personally... if she's nice, funny and pretty, I probably fancy her. And quite a lot of people fit those attributes - simultaneously. That's fine! There's no rule that says you can Only Like One Person At a Time Or Else. That'd be a daft rule. And one I know for a fact none of my friends - male or female! - could possibly adhere to.

(That makes me sound so ... weird)
Nah, it doesn't.

But (and I'm seriously going to be mortified if I'm the only one who thinks like this) replace her with any of my friends (or other people, not everyone) and I wouldn't mind.
You're completely not the only one who thinks like that. What you've just described is having a casual interest in more than one person. Which is normal! And fortunate for our species, otherwise we'd all be obsessive crazies. It means if we get rebuffed at a party, no big deal, we can dance with someone else. And enjoy it. Millions of people do that every day.



Stop by my profile sometime, 'kay? You seem like a really interesting person. :D

Ramona Flowers