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May 4th, 2013 (9:56 AM).
Alright, I figured this would be a good place to review. Please note that I have only read the first two chapters at the current time of posting.
Anyways, first off, I'd like to point out how unique I think this story is. Blending the elements of novel writing and a playwright, it's something that I have never seen before, and it is definitively something I want to see more of.
You spend a good amount of time on characterization. I feel like I can firmly see who Chrome, Melancholy, and even Chrome's mother are in my mind's eye, even without looking at the pictures at the top.
I also enjoy the backstory you have behind this. I'm intrigued ever so slightly at the debts Chrome's mother accumulated in Fortune City, hopefully more on this is revealed, as it is a neat bit of the plot. The same with Faust, since his character's absence had such a profound effect on Chrome, I would love to see more of that plot in the future.
Moving on, while I do enjoy the script format, I do feel some of the potential for making really good scenes and describing the world around the characters is lost somewhat. Also, at least in the first two chapters, you have a few mistakes in grammar. Mostly commas, but I saw at least one spelling mistake.
When Chrome is first thinking:
CHROME:[thinking] . . . Isn't it too earlier to be this happy?
The word "earlier" should be "early", as the sentence is in present tense, not past tense.
Other than that, I do like the interactions between Chrome and the Pichu are very well done. Though, the script format does make things seem a bit rushed. If it weren't for the novel description at times, I would have a hard time keeping track of everything that's going on.
So, there's my take on this so far. It's got lots of promise and I look forward to reading more of this.
Knightfall signing off...
Writers of Justice
Transcending the Abyss
Joined Apr 2013
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